Disappointed and empty

[shocked67]

My therapist recommended finding a blog to help accept what she’s been telling me for months and I’ve finally acknowledged but can’t seem to accept or resolve. How did this happen? Why? I feel like a whiny B even typing this but every time a visit a site and read an article I’m smashed upside the head and heart that yeah that just happened. I just want the feelings, memories and longing for her to go away since it was all BS from the very beginning. Can not believe at my age I fell for this, allowed it to happen and went back time again for the last 18 months (out of 3 years) for more. Now what?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

First of all, I am glad you have a supportive T.  It is extremely painful of have a pwBPD for a partner.

Part of a R/S with a partner wBPD is having to accept that the person they showed you at the time the R/S started was a charade.  I have been married for more than 20 years, and still hurts when my H splits and turns into a chameleon.  It's truly is like Jekyll and Hyde.  One minute he's screaming, punching holes in walls, threatening divorce, and the next day he wants a dinner date.  And yes, he love bombed me at the beginning of our R/S.

My H is one way with his adult children; one way with his work colleagues; one way with his friends, and yet another way with me.  (He saves his control needs and rage for me, and projects his anger at others onto me.)

Don't feel bad or foolish for this.  You didn't know.  Most of us have experienced the "play acting" of the pwBPD.  They put on an act because they really don't have an identity to display.  They "become" someone we wish to see.  We don't understand it's all an act, and we accept it at face value.

How do you see yourself knowing your partner is BPD and you understand what it is?

   

[Enabler]

Hiya Shocked67,

Great to see you here and great that you have T whom you seem to trust.

The information you have given is a bit scratchy and I'm guessing that's because you're dipping your toe in the water hoping that no one bites your leg off. I've found the community to be pretty safe and we're all here trying to help each other.

I know how difficult it is to full 'radically accept' the existence of a personality disorder in someone we fell in love with and accepted as 'normal' (whatever that is) for such a long period of time. I have 2 phrases that I like to wheel out at times like this, the first is "I've discovered the Enigma machine", you've found BPD, the psychology is the machine... when you feed your experience through the 'machine' you can make a lot more sense of the behaviours and thus make a lot more sense of your own reality. The second one is "I believe in unicorns". Not everyone 'gets' personality disorders, even people whom have spent significant periods of time with someone with a personality disorder. For me, it felt like I was trying to describe an alien to my friends and family, people who knew my wife couldn't fathom how she might behave differently when the front door was closed. For you, it might be pretty obvious that Borderline Personality Disorder is a thing, and it's a thing that describes your experience very well. It would seem you're also not yet in the right place to accept BPD is a thing either. It's good that you're honest and open about your hesitancy.

A good place to start on your journey is by giving us an outline of your experience of the last 3years.

We're all here for you.

Enabler 

[Rev]

I just want the feelings, memories and longing for her to go away since it was all BS from the very beginning. Can not believe at my age I fell for this, allowed it to happen and went back time again for the last 18 months (out of 3 years) for more. Now what?

Hi - so good of you to reach out.

Oh my this all sounds just like me.  I actually tried to leave twice in the a period of five years - two of which were long distance. So many red flags I ignored.  So many times I have blamed myself for staying.

I'll share what works for me and you can pick and choose what you think might work for you.  Okay?

I don't know about you - but I go back and forth - sometimes knowing about the BPD condition helps me put things into perspective - other times it doesn't. Then I need a fall back because I still need to put things into perspective.   So I allow myself to get in touch with my anger - because I know for a fact now that even the very premise of where she was at in her life was a lie. The whole thing - our relationship - my moving to be with her - our marriage - all of it was founded on a bold-faced lie.  Our breakup was inevitable. And when I get in touch with that, then I get in touch with my justifiable anger - and then I can read about BPD - and then it puts things into a better perspective - and then I wish her well in my heart, hope for the sake of her two children and their father that she gets help - and I am free to get on with my new life.

That is what works for me.  My hope for you is that as you reach out here, you will find what works for you. THIS PLACE is without a doubt in my mind and heart the BEST place of its kind. SO much good stuff here for you to choose from - and eventually you will share with others.

You did me some good today. I hope that I will have done some good for you.

You'll make it. You'll help others make it - even pwBPD in a way.

Thanks for sharing.

It takes guts.

Rev.