The Fresh Loss, Starting Over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all,

I've been working on my "escape plan" for a while now, talking endlessly with my therapist and a DV advocate. I've had several opportunities that I let slip through my hands because I wasn't ready to break up with my BPD husband. I always hoped it would get better. if he just loved me enough, could remember the amazing bond we once shared. Then, we could have the life that we dreamed of, that he promised me.

I am financially dependent on him, too, and in college so there's little to no opportunity to support myself. The only choice is to make him pay spouse maintenance, which will infuriate him. So I couldn't talk to him about it. He kept threatening to cut me off, anytime he was displeased with me during our relationship. He threatened to end our relationship all the time. I became so sad and miserable and lonely in my marriage that I thought pretty hard about suicide. I withdrew from my friends. I felt ashamed of what was happening. Our facebook-perfect marriage was a lie. Looking back at those smiling photos of us on adventures, I remember the blow-ups just before or after, where he berated me for hours at a time, ruining almost every vacation and holiday.

Last week his sister was in the hospital with a heart attack. I spent all week running back and forth to the hospital and taking care of my husband and his family. On Friday morning after that week of intensity, he blew up at me for leaving coffee in the coffee pot, which he didn't notice and spilled on the floor. Told me I was a selfish ___ for not making him coffee (he hadn't asked me to, he doesn't like the way I make coffee, but I would have if he had asked). I was getting ready for work and I cut him off, telling him that I would have a discussion with him after work if he can speak calmly. I was shaking and scared because of the intensity of his attack in the early morning, and I could tell I was going to be in hell all weekend after that. Last winter after his dad died he got very scary with me and was using psychedelic mushrooms a bunch of days in a row in the house with me there. I was really worried that he was going to lose it over the stress of worrying about his sister. I left the house as quickly as I could, still scared. But I was mad, too. I realized I was going to have to leave for the weekend again to protect myself from his rages, and suddenly I had had enough. I was tired of having to leave my home and stay on a couch to protect myself. I was tired of having to stay utterly calm through being relentlessly attacked, berated and belittled, of being raged at and charged at and waiting for the day he would finally just use his fists on me.

I texted him from my car and told I wanted him to leave for the weekend, and that I did not deserve that aggressive and demeaning behavior. I suggested he stay with his mother or sister nearby.

later that day I felt sorry for him, and decided it wasn't fair to send him away after all he had just gone through worrying about his sister. I called him up to check in. He started shouting at me right away, how dare I kick him out of his own house (we rent together) and he was moving out this month and divorcing me for being a selfish ___ who wouldn't even make him coffee. He became incoherent. That moment was a terrible mixture of relief and despair for me. Finally, we are done. No, it can't be. We can't be over. No.

Afterward, he texted me with apologies. He hadn't meant that. He was sorry. I got sucked in a little. I apologized for leaving a little coffee in the bottom of the pot, he apologized for blowing up again. Said he knows he is volatile. He stayed gone overnight. I realized that he was planning to come back the next day, and that this was my chance. So I texted him in the morning that I agreed with his decision for him to move out, and for us to separate. He wanted to debate me, but I kept to the facts. He accused me of framing him, and I just didn't engage. I had the house locks changed that day. I felt sad but liberated. He came yesterday for more of his things, and I made sure to have a friend over with me. I never saw him, I only heard the sound of his packing, the slam of the front door and squeal of his tires as he left.

I wont engage with him. I wont give him a chance to be violent with me. I wont give him a chance to draw me back into the marriage that I can see he hates. Just two weeks ago he shared a song he wrote about how he doesnt believe in fairytale romances and he doesnt need anybody but himself. if that's true, then everything about our courtship was a lie. He withholds affection and sex, would rather jack off than have sex with me his wife, he broods and disappears, and brazenly flirts and stares at other women right in front of me. He throws me scraps of attention and affection, and I feel like I am starving for it. Just a few minutes a day is all I get. Any more than that risks a major blowup afterwards because the closeness is so hard for him.

But now he is gone, and I have to figure out what to do with myself, my life, my bills, this house I cant afford, the housemates I will need to deal with, and the emptiness of my home. Last night the tears came and they kept coming, keeping me awake long into the night. Came tumbling out of sleep many times to weep more. It hurts to live and breathe and stand and walk. Everything hurts so much.  All I can think of is him. 8 years together. My remaining fertile years, given to a man who didn't deserve them and used my longing for a child as a weapon to taunt and punish me with. 8 years of joys and intense pain. Major highs and lows. How much we loved each other in the beginning, how I would have done ANYTHING to be with him. I convinced myself that he was the love of my life and we would get though it all together. The highs and lows of our early years were just circumstantial. Once we were through those crises, we'd be happy and peaceful and fine. But it never stopped. And I am so very exhausted.

I want off the rollercoaster. And now there is a long, long road to travel to come back to myself, to the new me, the me who is in college and finishing no matter what, who is in a promising career, who made myself connect with friends over the past year.

I have to figure out how to get spousal maintenance. I hate that I have to ask for it. It will infuriate him because he hates spending money on me unless its completely his idea. He's threatened so many times to leave me with nothing. And when I petition the court for maintenance, he is going to get dangerous. So I will need an order of protection. And the thought of standing in court with him nearby as I testify about his 8 years of crazy violent behavior, terrifies me. I am told I can have a DV advocate with me. But still. I am betraying him, betraying us. By telling the truth, I shatter any chance that we would ever have for a life together. I already know that we have no future together. I've accepted and mourned that over the past couple of years of our marriage. But now I have to stand up and put it on record, and he will likely have to go to rehab in order to keep his job, which he lied about his drug use to get.

Last night the grief hit me so hard. The sadness, anxiety and exhaustion are overwhelming. The pain is so real, so deep, so raw. I feel his arms around me, smell his skin and hear the rumble of his voice as if my ear is pressed to his chest. And yet I will never feel that again. Unless I give in and go back, tomorrow, and betray myself, giving up all the ground I have gained in the past few days. I am afraid to make it real, so I haven't said Divorce to him. I havent told most people. I still wear my wedding ring. I packed up some of our couple memorabilia and put it on a closet shelf. cleaned the house. Made myself do some simple cheap things today after school that made me feel comforted. Getting sushi, buying cute stickers and putting them into my planner. And at moments, the agony and grief overtake me, and I lost in it. My eyes are raw from crying. My heart hurts. It is the worst pain I can remember, comparable only to when we broke up for a few months prior to getting married.

At some point this week I have to stumble through this cloud of grief to go to the courthouse and start the process of legally dismantling our relationship. I planned to go tomorrow morning, but the pain and mental left me reeling this evening when I had planned on doing paperwork. I guess baby steps are the key. Im trying to get my feet under me so I can get this taken care of before he cuts me off legally. Meanwhile, I need to stay present for my college classes. I am doing this for me, for future me. "Us" is dead, and I am in the long process of mourning.

Thanks for reading.

[Gardengoddess]

Hey all,

I've been working on my "escape plan" for a while now, talking endlessly with my therapist and a DV advocate. I've had several opportunities that I let slip through my hands because I wasn't ready to break up with my BPD husband. I always hoped it would get better. if he just loved me enough, could remember the amazing bond we once shared. Then, we could have the life that we dreamed of, that he promised me.

I am financially dependent on him, too, and in college so there's little to no opportunity to support myself. The only choice is to make him pay spouse maintenance, which will infuriate him. So I couldn't talk to him about it. He kept threatening to cut me off, anytime he was displeased with me during our relationship. He threatened to end our relationship all the time. I became so sad and miserable and lonely in my marriage that I thought pretty hard about suicide. I withdrew from my friends. I felt ashamed of what was happening. Our facebook-perfect marriage was a lie. Looking back at those smiling photos of us on adventures, I remember the blow-ups just before or after, where he berated me for hours at a time, ruining almost every vacation and holiday.

Last week his sister was in the hospital with a heart attack. I spent all week running back and forth to the hospital and taking care of my husband and his family. On Friday morning after that week of intensity, he blew up at me for leaving coffee in the coffee pot, which he didn't notice and spilled on the floor. Told me I was a selfish ___ for not making him coffee (he hadn't asked me to, he doesn't like the way I make coffee, but I would have if he had asked). I was getting ready for work and I cut him off, telling him that I would have a discussion with him after work if he can speak calmly. I was shaking and scared because of the intensity of his attack in the early morning, and I could tell I was going to be in hell all weekend after that. Last winter after his dad died he got very scary with me and was using psychedelic mushrooms a bunch of days in a row in the house with me there. I was really worried that he was going to lose it over the stress of worrying about his sister. I left the house as quickly as I could, still scared. But I was mad, too. I realized I was going to have to leave for the weekend again to protect myself from his rages, and suddenly I had had enough. I was tired of having to leave my home and stay on a couch to protect myself. I was tired of having to stay utterly calm through being relentlessly attacked, berated and belittled, of being raged at and charged at and waiting for the day he would finally just use his fists on me.

I texted him from my car and told I wanted him to leave for the weekend, and that I did not deserve that aggressive and demeaning behavior. I suggested he stay with his mother or sister nearby.

later that day I felt sorry for him, and decided it wasn't fair to send him away after all he had just gone through worrying about his sister. I called him up to check in. He started shouting at me right away, how dare I kick him out of his own house (we rent together) and he was moving out this month and divorcing me for being a selfish ___ who wouldn't even make him coffee. He became incoherent. That moment was a terrible mixture of relief and despair for me. Finally, we are done. No, it can't be. We can't be over. No.

Afterward, he texted me with apologies. He hadn't meant that. He was sorry. I got sucked in a little. I apologized for leaving a little coffee in the bottom of the pot, he apologized for blowing up again. Said he knows he is volatile. He stayed gone overnight. I realized that he was planning to come back the next day, and that this was my chance. So I texted him in the morning that I agreed with his decision for him to move out, and for us to separate. He wanted to debate me, but I kept to the facts. He accused me of framing him, and I just didn't engage. I had the house locks changed that day. I felt sad but liberated. He came yesterday for more of his things, and I made sure to have a friend over with me. I never saw him, I only heard the sound of his packing, the slam of the front door and squeal of his tires as he left.

I wont engage with him. I wont give him a chance to be violent with me. I wont give him a chance to draw me back into the marriage that I can see he hates. Just two weeks ago he shared a song he wrote about how he doesnt believe in fairytale romances and he doesnt need anybody but himself. if that's true, then everything about our courtship was a lie. He withholds affection and sex, would rather jack off than have sex with me his wife, he broods and disappears, and brazenly flirts and stares at other women right in front of me. He throws me scraps of attention and affection, and I feel like I am starving for it. Just a few minutes a day is all I get. Any more than that risks a major blowup afterwards because the closeness is so hard for him.

But now he is gone, and I have to figure out what to do with myself, my life, my bills, this house I cant afford, the housemates I will need to deal with, and the emptiness of my home. Last night the tears came and they kept coming, keeping me awake long into the night. Came tumbling out of sleep many times to weep more. It hurts to live and breathe and stand and walk. Everything hurts so much.  All I can think of is him. 8 years together. My remaining fertile years, given to a man who didn't deserve them and used my longing for a child as a weapon to taunt and punish me with. 8 years of joys and intense pain. Major highs and lows. How much we loved each other in the beginning, how I would have done ANYTHING to be with him. I convinced myself that he was the love of my life and we would get though it all together. The highs and lows of our early years were just circumstantial. Once we were through those crises, we'd be happy and peaceful and fine. But it never stopped. And I am so very exhausted.

I want off the rollercoaster. And now there is a long, long road to travel to come back to myself, to the new me, the me who is in college and finishing no matter what, who is in a promising career, who made myself connect with friends over the past year.

I have to figure out how to get spousal maintenance. I hate that I have to ask for it. It will infuriate him because he hates spending money on me unless its completely his idea. He's threatened so many times to leave me with nothing. And when I petition the court for maintenance, he is going to get dangerous. So I will need an order of protection. And the thought of standing in court with him nearby as I testify about his 8 years of crazy violent behavior, terrifies me. I am told I can have a DV advocate with me. But still. I am betraying him, betraying us. By telling the truth, I shatter any chance that we would ever have for a life together. I already know that we have no future together. I've accepted and mourned that over the past couple of years of our marriage. But now I have to stand up and put it on record, and he will likely have to go to rehab in order to keep his job, which he lied about his drug use to get.

Last night the grief hit me so hard. The sadness, anxiety and exhaustion are overwhelming. The pain is so real, so deep, so raw. I feel his arms around me, smell his skin and hear the rumble of his voice as if my ear is pressed to his chest. And yet I will never feel that again. Unless I give in and go back, tomorrow, and betray myself, giving up all the ground I have gained in the past few days. I am afraid to make it real, so I haven't said Divorce to him. I havent told most people. I still wear my wedding ring. I packed up some of our couple memorabilia and put it on a closet shelf. cleaned the house. Made myself do some simple cheap things today after school that made me feel comforted. Getting sushi, buying cute stickers and putting them into my planner. And at moments, the agony and grief overtake me, and I lost in it. My eyes are raw from crying. My heart hurts. It is the worst pain I can remember, comparable only to when we broke up for a few months prior to getting married.

At some point this week I have to stumble through this cloud of grief to go to the courthouse and start the process of legally dismantling our relationship. I planned to go tomorrow morning, but the pain and mental left me reeling this evening when I had planned on doing paperwork. I guess baby steps are the key. Im trying to get my feet under me so I can get this taken care of before he cuts me off legally. Meanwhile, I need to stay present for my college classes. I am doing this for me, for future me. "Us" is dead, and I am in the long process of mourning.

Thanks for reading.

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand because I'm there too. Ours was 25 years. He's been bouncing around in hotels in another state for two months.

I homeschooled my our kids, and both are now commuter college students. So I gave up my career, although I continued to work part-time in higher education. For the last few years I taught online classes from home so I could be available to our children.

It's becoming clear that I need to get a full-time job with benefits, and he wants to sell the house and divide the proceeds. I'm beginning the full-time job hunt and have some leads. My kids and I have to do all of the work to get the house ready, find a rental, and move amid their college, my job hunting, and my current work. My hope is that we can stay in the same town where we are now.

My oldest works and carries all of his expenses except for tuition, but he should be able to take that over shortly. My younger one battles anxiety and depression but is doing well in college. At some point I'm hoping she will improve enough to get a job as well.

People like us need a lot of support and counsel. I'm blessed in that I have a great therapist and multiple friends who are in constant contact with me. I have two friends who have offered multiple times to take us in if we need it. And yes, at times I neglected those friendships and didn't tell them the truth. Thankfully they are standing with me now.

A friend at the gym has recommended that I begin attending the local NAMI support group.

It's hard to get these things going, but you'll begin to see a glimmer of hope if you do. You need to begin reaching out. Yes, it's hard. Things won't get better quickly, but they will get better.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mutt]

Hi Gardengoddess,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. It has to be difficult to have your H's anger directed at you for something as trivial as coffee. It's heartbreaking when we're invisible to our partner and we sacrifice ourselves to them and giving attention is to much to ask for.

I want off the rollercoaster. And now there is a long, long road to travel to come back to myself, to the new me, the me who is in college and finishing no matter what, who is in a promising career, who made myself connect with friends over the past year

I am betraying him, betraying us.

What do you mean by betrayal?  You have a right to be happy, your career was on pause for your ex, he is obligated, you're not responsible for someone else's feeling. Don't put all of this on your back, if one partner refuses to change is destructive towards to r/s, what else can you do? Take your share and leave his share where it belongs, on him. From where I'm sitting he doesn't respect you, a r/s is about reciprocity, empathy, communication, compassion, respect ... .

At some point this week I have to stumble through this cloud of grief to go to the courthouse and start the process of legally dismantling our relationship. I planned to go tomorrow morning, but the pain and mental left me reeling this evening when I had planned on doing paperwork. I guess baby steps are the key

I agree, take it one step at a time.

People like us need a lot of support and counsel. I'm blessed in that I have a great therapist and multiple friends who are in constant contact with me. I have two friends who have offered multiple times to take us in if we need it

I agree with MeandThee29, lean on as many resources as possible your advocate, family, friends, therapist, this support group, please don't feel like you're a burden to others. You reconnected with people, which was a good thing, you probably reconnected for a reason.

[happendtome]

Our facebook-perfect marriage was a lie. Looking back at those smiling photos of us on adventures, I remember the blow-ups just before or after, where he berated me for hours at a time, ruining almost every vacation and holiday.

This (facebook) is one thing i have thought about a lot. I recently found out about couple who had (i think they still have) serious problems in the relationship and yet it didnt take a long time when they posted "happily together" pictures again.

Would you like to tell why did you post those happy pictures? Or i could understand why you did that - to show and maybe assure even yourself too that everything is ok. But do you remember how you exactly felt when you actually made those posts? Maybe it would help you if you give deep analysis for those moments.

I think that when people put pictures where they are together with their gf/bf/husband/wife to their profile or display pic then it is the sign of insecurity and in some cases also the form of manipulation. It gets people tied and thats why also people stay in these unhealthy relationships so long. If there are so many happy pictures then how do you explain to your friends and relatives that it was all scam. BUT, in the end we only waste our own years.

[MeandThee29]

If there are so many happy pictures then how do you explain to your friends and relatives that it was all scam.

I like Facebook for keeping track of friends I don't see much, but it's not reality. People show others what they want to show, period. I don't mind the happy couple pictures because people do that in person too. All lovey-dovey, and then you hear that they are separated and headed for divorce.

It was a big step when I told a friend, "My husband is mentally ill and won't seek help."

Not long after that, we separated, and I gradually began telling people what our marriage really was behind closed doors. It was hard because we were considered the ideal couple at times. Some of that had been shattered after his suicide attempt earlier this year, but I know that people thought we were working through it successfully. He had told me not to tell everyone what was really going on. Oh, the shame of being real. Some people didn't handle the truth well, but enough did that we have a lot of support and love.

His side of the family is still in denial to some extent, and I have chosen to keep some distance to let them draw their own conclusions. He has told them things about me that he should not have said and blamed my own psychological struggles. He says that his siblings are all that he has now, so I also don't want to cut loose the only support he has. That's fine.

Last night I was at a community group with a friend of mine who went through a divorce from a mentally ill man who was a pastor and well-loved in the community. When I was getting ready to leave, she said, "You're going to make it through this because you want to make it through. You are not the marriage that is falling apart."

Good advice!

[snowglobe]

@Gardengoddess,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m very sorry for the overwhelming emotions that you are going through, they are the invisible scars that form while we grieve. Reading your posts was like looking in the mirror, the only difference is that we made two children together, that have become a collateral damage of our relationship. I can feel your frustration for having to ask you spouse for financial assistance. I’m also in a process of obtaining my degree, completely financially dependent. Your feeling of anxiety and uncertainty is also very familiar to me. The very being here and sharing, feels like I’m letting him down. My uBPDh has been threatening to leave and divorce me, all throughout our relationship. It makes my fear almost palpable, I can’t support myself and two kids while at school... .dear Gardengoddes, this is extremely traumatic time in your life, no doubt, like any loss it takes time to process and heel. Have you accessed any psychological services through your college tuition? They usually offer tons of mental health resources. Mindfulness and meditation sometimes gives me a break from this excruciating feeling of heavyness in my chest. It’s a cliche, but try living one day at a time, until life becomes bearable again. Paying forward, types of behaviour makes me appreciate many other things that are good in life. Helping others, might bring another purpose for walking and breathing. You mentioned working in School, do you have any students that need extra attention, perhaps with disabilities? Although spending time with them won’t fix current setuation, it could certainly give you a perspective of how lucky you are to be in good health and have a new lease on life everyday. How do you plan to protect yourself if, or should I say when, your pwBPD contacts you? Can you ask your friends to stay with you temporarily? I can’t be much help when it comes to actual logistics, as I’m in exactly same boat, still trying to figure out how to make it on my own with two minor kids. I wish you strength and sending you a vertual hug

[Gardengoddess]

Thanks to everyone for your replies, sympathy, suggestions.

The last few days were very hard.
The grief of loss took my breath away, it was so painful. The only thing holding me together was having my home as a safe place. I put up an ad to search for housemates. Then I got an email from my landlord of seven years, telling me that she was going to charge an extra $700 per month for subletters. She has never mentioned that before and it simply destroyed all of my hope for the future as i would not be able to afford the rent increase. I called my husband and fought with him. Our fight continued over text until I was so exhausted I had nothing left.

I was overwhelmed with the urge for suicide. I resisted it with every bit I had left in me, which wasn't much. Called and left messages for friends, my therapist, called the DV agency (got someone on the line who said that they couldnt deal with suicidal thoughts and I should call the Crisis Line). I went to the kitchen and had a drink, hoping it would calm my nerves. But instead I woke up hours later covered in vomit and tears and pills, talking to my therapist who I apparently called in a blackout. EMTs broke into my house to save my life. My next 6 hours were spent strapped to an emergency room bed trapped in a waking nightmare of PTSD flashbacks that no one helped me with. Once I ran out of energy for crying and screaming for help, I was transferred to the psych unit, where my cell neighbor was a violent psychotic. I begged staff to move me and they finally did move me to another room to be away from his angry shouting and pounding on the walls. Thankfully I had come back to myself enough to be able to have a coherent conversation with the social worker who agreed to release me around midnight. She was the first person who treated me like a human being during my hospital stay.  I had also texted my husband just before they took away my phone as I was transferred into psych. He came and sat with me for the last hour that I was there. He was concerned. He held my hand. He gave me his jacket to wear back to the car in the cold and drove me home, and then he went back to the room where he is staying with a friend. I wanted so badly to ask him to stay the night, to sleep next to me so I wouldn't feel so alone. But I didn't. And he didn't offer.

Being in the ER with a mental health crisis was a horrible and traumatizing experience to have on top of all of the anguish of losing this relationship. It's been over 20 years since I was that suicidal. The strength of the feeling was overwhelming. I didn't do it for attention or to suck him back into relationship. I did it because I felt I was out of options.

I woke the next day with a bad head cold and feeling like my heart had been ripped out and my body run over with a truck. I realized that the only way I can get through this is with the help of my community. So I started calling friends and telling them what happened and asking for help. Friends have brought me soup and tea, a couple of them helped me by letting my husband in and helping him pack his things so I wouldn't have to be there.  I was also able to negotiate with my landlady and she reduced the rent increase to the point where it will be possible for me to stay here. That has been a huge relief.

I have moments when it doesn't hurt too much. But mostly the pain is overwhelming. I missed nearly a week of college classes, including some assignments that I can't make up. My mid-terms are coming up. I think I will do all right on them, but it's hard to think and focus on anything. Everything feels so damned hard. I am still having suicidal thoughts but will not follow through on them. The booze is gone. The pills are gone. There are no "easy" options for suicide at the house. And I sure as hell never want to go through anything like that ER experience again. I'm keeping track of the days as a way to chart my progress sort of. Right now I am 12 days out of my 8.5 year relationship. I'm still getting sucked into thinking that if he would only understand how much he has hurt me, he would change and we could be together. But that is a fantasy. He won't change. And while he does love me in his own way, he doesn't want to be with me. Oh, that hurts.

He's agreed to pay the rent and household bills for the next month but seems to think that I am on my own after that. So it does seem likely that I will have to take him to court. I hate that.

The DV agency I work for has assigned me a legal advocate to help me though the legal process. I meet with her next week. I am very grateful for the support. I will need it!

Thanks for reading. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Gardengoddess,

How are things going since you last posted?  I am so sorry to hear that you got so low that you felt out of options.  I hope that you will call a crisis line if this situation arises again.  Your hospital experience sounds like no fun at all so perhaps if there is a next time that you hit bottom you can help yourself before reaching that stage.  I do hope so.  We are here if you need someone to talk to as well.  Has anything changed or advanced in your situation with your husband? 

Love and light x

[Gardengoddess]

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thanks for checking in.
I am still alive, though there are moments where I don't know how I am still breathing. I will call the crisis line if I get desperate again. I made it through the cold and the ptsd from the hospital, interviewing a bunch of housemates and negotiating with my husband about bills. I made it through my former best friend telling me that she was going to have sex with my husband against my wishes to teach me a life lesson because I had asked her not to. I made it through two college exams, and passed both of them. I made it through the shock of my friends as I revealed to them what I have been living with from the guy they thought was "chill" and who seemed like he really cared about me.
As I reveal the way that he has behaved over the years and especially in the last couple, people are horrified. I am horrified too. This "not normal" life has been my secret shame for so long. I tried everything to make him stop hating me. I stepped up, I improved myself in every way. I was exhausted all the time from waiting for him to blow up at me again. Two different mutual friends have told me how in private he complained bitterly about the money he had to "waste on our relationship" paying the bills while I went to school. They both said that at the time they were flabbergasted at his selfishness, that he was so resentful about something they thought is normal in partnerships; you lift each other up. That's what you do. But instead of being honestly proud of me for getting my education and being a straight A student while working as a teacher and running my own program, he was bitter and resentful. He told me several times that he resented me because it wasn't his fault I didn't already have an education and yet he had to support me. Whereas he came into a relationship with a masters degree (which he got in part as a result of his former wife's support and an inheritance.) He had told me many times over the 8+ years of our relationship that he would support me through school, but when it came time to do so, he tanked our relationship. It is maddening! I feel so angry and hurt by his behavior. It leaves me in a terrible position, and it was cruel. He has a great career and could have easily supported us both until I graduated and finally eligible for the great jobs that are out there in my field. Now I am left with so little. Even if I take him to court, I will get very little to live on, and not enough to support me through the rest of my school. We weren't married for long enough.

I can't seem to stop trying to engage with him. I miss him. I wish we could be together. I bargain with him in my head. I wish that he would show up and say he's sorry, that he realizes how much he's hurt me and will be different. I wake up listening for the normal household sounds of him in the morning, and there is nothing. The pain hits me and it crushes me. I don't see how to get through this, but I am. I am still breathing. Still eating, talking to friends, going to school, going to work, looking for housemates, taking care of the cat. I feel like I am at war inside of myself. The part of me that longs for him and would do anything to get him back, is battling the part of me who sadly says, "enough. It is over."

He acts like he still cares about me. Tells me he is going to pay some of the bills so that I don't "fall flat on my face". But I know I can't trust him. He has broken his word on so many things. He thinks that at most, he will be able to pay for a couple of months and then drop me. He would have done better if I had just died two weeks ago. Then he wouldn't have to support me at all, ever, and he could blame my PTSD for my demise. I have the feeling he is only being civil to me at all because of the suicide attempt.

He is very integrated into my life as we shared many common interests and are active in the community. I am worried about running into him all the time. I don't think he would physically threaten me right now. It just hurts to see him and not be able to be with him. It makes me furious to see him posting feminist memes on facebook, knowing how disrespectful and abusive he was to me, the woman he could have lifted up and instead tried to crush. I want to expose him so everyone will know what an abusive ass he is.  Such a hypocrite! I don't say anything.  I am so angry and sad. I wish he would disappear so I could really start over. It is an agony to see him.

[Harley Quinn]

It's great to hear from you and to know that you are managing to go through the motions of functioning at least, even with all of the pain and turmoil that you feel.  This shows great strength.  I know it is awful to be in the situation you are, and was in a severe financial crisis after I left my ex so can relate to the worries over covering costs.  Perhaps this is something you can turn your attention to resolving by seeking other avenues of support.  Have you looked into any trust funds or charitable organisations that might be able to help you regards your tuition?  It might be worth speaking to a tutor to see if they can point you in the right direction.  Having a challenge to concentrate on can take up some of the time in the day that you would be feeling overwhelmed by the situation and your feelings.  Whilst it's healthy to allow the feelings to run their course it is also healthy to recognise when they are getting the better of you.  What does your therapist suggest would be good to consider right now?

From what you write I can feel your angst at seeing him and crossing paths at so many opportunities.  This must be really trying and keeping you on edge (I felt this way too).  It might be completely off the wall given your current financial scenario but would it be possible to take any paid leave and have a little break - staying with family or friends maybe, even for a few days - just to take you into a different environment where you feel safe and allow your nerves a rest?  Also, are there any changes you can make to your routine arrangements with the mutual activities which allow you to continue these without it putting you into the same space together at least temporarily?  Personally, I was struggling similarly with proximity and regular opportunities to bump into him, the money worries and emotional impact of the breakup and I saw my doctor in the end and accepted an SSRI which helped me enormously.  Have you spoken to your doctor about what you're going through?

Remember, this place is a safe space to share and offload your feelings, worries, struggles as well as successes, so keep posting and reading as this helped me a great deal when my world felt like nothing was certain any more.  Venting here can be very therapeutic and you will find others who can understand completely what you are having to handle, which is a lot and you don't need to handle it alone.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

 

[so_overit]

I made it through the shock of my friends as I revealed to them what I have been living with from the guy they thought was "chill" and who seemed like he really cared about me.
As I reveal the way that he has behaved over the years and especially in the last couple, people are horrified. I am horrified too. This "not normal" life has been my secret shame for so long.

Oh hun I am feeling this too! I have asked for divorce after 12 years, so much of your examples of his belittling sounds just like my STBXH, wow. Except not the coffee, I just got screamed at so violently 2 days ago because of 2 water bottles. Yikes it is scary.

You are lucky in that you at least got him out. My BPD won't leave. He expects me to find him a rental. Honestly, if I don't he'll still be on the couch. I can't stand to see him every day wondering when he will explode again. Sadly, we have little children in the mix.

Anyway, is it possible you could disconnect from the facebook and stop torturing yourself with his posts? No contact... .would be better, even if it is cyber contact.

If it makes you feel any better, you are not feeling this alone... .I am in the same boat. Want him gone so bad, but keep "imagining" he might wake up tomorrow and realize what he's done and POOF he'll change. He's promised it so many times it's unbelievable. I've just got to get up, put on my big girl pants, and get on with my life and this divorce. Now if only I could get him off my couch!

[heartandwhole]

It just hurts to see him and not be able to be with him. It makes me furious to see him posting feminist memes on facebook, knowing how disrespectful and abusive he was to me, the woman he could have lifted up and instead tried to crush. I want to expose him so everyone will know what an abusive ass he is.  Such a hypocrite! I don't say anything.  I am so angry and sad. I wish he would disappear so I could really start over. It is an agony to see him.

Gardengoddess,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Having the rug pulled out from under you can be devastating. I can understand your feelings running the gamut from wanting to be with him and wanting him gone. Very human under the circumstances.   

It sounds like you are pulling strength from deep within you. Keep going. This too shall pass—and you will thrive again. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this kind of pain and loss can be overcome. Many of us here are the walking proof of that. I didn't care about life or whether I lived or died after my breakup. I was in a dark place, but things turned around and got so much better. They can for you, too.

Keep posting and sharing. It helps.

Are your friends supportive?

heartandwhole

[so_overit]

Gardengoddess,

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this kind of pain and loss can be overcome. Many of us here are the walking proof of that. I didn't care about life or whether I lived or died after my breakup. I was in a dark place, but things turned around and got so much better. They can for you, too.
heartandwhole

This is very reassuring and life-affirming for someone who is in the trenches. Thank you, I know you wrote it to her, but I needed it too. 

[Gardengoddess]

"Have you looked into any trust funds or charitable organisations that might be able to help you regards your tuition?  It might be worth speaking to a tutor to see if they can point you in the right direction.  Having a challenge to concentrate on can take up some of the time in the day that you would be feeling overwhelmed by the situation and your feelings. "

I am definitely focusing on the challenge of paying my bills, finding housemates, and getting on with the business of life. I found a charitable org that will help me with a couple of bills. There is nothing that will help me over the long term and I am coming to the realization that I might not be able to get my BA as planned. I am going to do what I can to make it happen anyway.

"Whilst it's healthy to allow the feelings to run their course it is also healthy to recognise when they are getting the better of you.  What does your therapist suggest would be good to consider right now?"

I think I am doing about what my therapist suggests. Detaching from his behavior including attempts to rile me up (causing damage to the house when he was moving out, throwing away gifts I had given him so that I would see them in the garbage.) Focusing on healing myself through self-care, processing via talking and writing, and spending time with friends.

"From what you write I can feel your angst at seeing him and crossing paths at so many opportunities... .It might be completely off the wall given your current financial scenario but would it be possible to take any paid leave and have a little break - staying with family or friends maybe, even for a few days - just to take you into a different environment where you feel safe and allow your nerves a rest?"

I did take a couple of days off following my hospital stay, when I came home I had a terrible cold and was emotionally and physically flattened. I can't afford to take any more time off, wish I could.

I have been careful to stay away from the non-profit where we have both volunteered our time for years. He is often there. This year he began really obviously undermining my work there by telling me that the work that I did (focused on outreach and education) was not necessary and was a distraction from the goals of the community organization. I knew it was bullsh*t but it still hurt so much coming from him. I feel very sad to leave the organization where I have given thousands of hours over the years. Maybe I can find a way to continue, but right now it feels like "his" place as he has integrated himself into a key position.

"... .I saw my doctor in the end and accepted an SSRI which helped me enormously.  Have you spoken to your doctor about what you're going through?"

Yes, my doctor recommended an anti-anxiety drug. I am very resistant to taking pharmaceuticals due to terrible experiences in the past, but I caved because I was desperate for sleep and couldn't rest. It does seem to be helping.

"Remember, this place is a safe space to share and offload your feelings, worries, struggles as well as successes, so keep posting and reading as this helped me a great deal when my world felt like nothing was certain any more.  Venting here can be very therapeutic and you will find others who can understand completely what you are having to handle, which is a lot and you don't need to handle it alone.  We're here for you."

I am very grateful for it. This board has helped me a lot over the last year. Reading about others' struggles and understanding more about BPD relationships helped give me the courage to find a way out. It's giving me the courage to find a way through this terrible time. My husband is very good at twisting reality to suit him and there have been so many times I thought I was going crazy until I realized that he was just gaslighting me. He is still doing it at nearly every opportunity. Since I tried suicide he now has more ammo to "prove" my instability. It's also possible that he is being kinder and calmer than he normally would in this situation because he thinks I might haul off and keel-haul myself at any moment. I know that I am not necessarily healthy, but I am trying to be. I am working hard at it, and have been for years, and he is not.  I have to stay firm that I am through with him, no matter what. We will not be friends. He is too volatile, and can't help but try to charm me as soon as the emotional pressure is off of him to perform as a partner. But I do miss him. It's hard. I married him for life, and it's been a heartbreaking and draining process to discover that the only way for me to live in safety and to heal is to be away from him.
What the heck! It's so unfair. I know life isn't fair, but still... .I've been handed sh*t on a platter my whole life and have worked my way through it to create a good life anyway. I try hard to be ethical, conscientious, generous, and honest. I thought I had found someone who could be a true partner with me. I am starting to really understand how he tricked me by pretending to be someone he is not... .and how deeply angry he is inside that I wanted him to be that person. Who he really is: selfish, angry, self-absorbed, childish, dishonest, explosive... .that person is not loveable, though I tried. He has had over 8 years of chances with me and blown them all, showed me his true colors. So why do I miss him so much? It is maddening.

[Gardengoddess]

Gardengoddess,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Having the rug pulled out from under you can be devastating. I can understand your feelings running the gamut from wanting to be with him and wanting him gone. Very human under the circumstances.   

It sounds like you are pulling strength from deep within you. Keep going. This too shall pass—and you will thrive again. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this kind of pain and loss can be overcome. Many of us here are the walking proof of that. I didn't care about life or whether I lived or died after my breakup. I was in a dark place, but things turned around and got so much better. They can for you, too.

Keep posting and sharing. It helps.

Are your friends supportive?

heartandwhole

Thanks so much heartandwhole. I am doing this for future me. I don't quite believe in a better future yet, but I am doing it anyway. Going through the motions until I can meet life head-on again. I am glad to hear that it got better for you and  it does give me some hope.

Many of my friends have been very supportive, particularly other women. I was worried about telling my mother as she seems to think I have been overreacting, but I finally told her and she has accepted it without trying to apply more of her antiquated notions of how to save a marriage (she told me I should put on some makeup and make his favorite dinner to save my marriage! I already make his favorite dinner all the time, and haven't worn makeup for decades). Spending time with my woman friends has been lovely and healing. I feel a small portion of my "self" coming back in the past couple of days. Slightly less clouded by grief.

I am angry, more than anything right now. Really angry at him for tanking our marriage, for lying, for pretending I was crazy, for screaming at me over nothing, for having emotional affairs, for breaking my precious objects, for ruining vacations, for shaming me over wanting to be a parent. For so many things! I did not deserve to be treated in that way.

I wish he had had the strength of character to address his mental health issue and work to heal himself. He has the money and the help is easily accessible. All he had to do was make a couple of phone calls. I gave him the phone numbers and begged him to do it. I told him it was a condition for me to continue in relationship with him. He still wouldn't do it. He chose to spend his money on drugs and drum lessons.  He said he spends enough money on our relationship paying the bills. So clearly it wasn't worth it to him. Clearly I am not important to him. I had to get out.

[Harley Quinn]

It's perfectly natural to miss him, and it's OK to love and miss someone who has treated us badly.  I felt just as you do when I left my ex who was physically violent towards me.  I still loved him and missed him like crazy.  The main thing is that at some point we have to also know what is good for us and make those healthy decisions for ourselves.  It is hard and takes real courage so recognise that about yourself.  The best things we can achieve in life are seldom easy.  When you are through this difficult time you can hold up your head with pride for what you've done.  Keep searching for that support and ways to stay with your goal of the BA.  Sometimes things can have a way of working out.  Keep the faith.

I can imagine it is especially difficult if you are having to have ongoing communication with him, and at times it sounds like this has a negative effect on you.  This article on BIFF (brief, informative, friendly and firm) may be helpful in how to manage that and narrow down the opportunities for him to affect you.  I found it extremely useful when dealing with my son's father. 

The qualities you listed as your aims for yourself sound a lot like my outlook on how to be a good person also.  Unfortunately these things can sometimes make us vulnerable and inclined towards persisting too long in an unhealthy relationship.  I have a repeating pattern of this and it's something I plan to address in depth in therapy.  I'm sure your therapist will work with you on how to be less demanding on yourself over time.  We caretaker types can be the worst at taking care of ourselves and I'm so pleased that you are putting yourself as a priority now and wanting to do the right thing for you.  It takes a lot of effort, so remember to be kind to yourself in the process and keep a check on how you are doing.  Stay in contact with your doctor for reviews of the medication you've been given, to make sure it's right for you, that you're happy with it, and use all of your support network.  Things can, and do, get better.   

Love and light x

[Gardengoddess]

Not long after we married, my husband moved into a bedroom at the other end of the house. This was pragmatic as we have never slept well together and would keep waking each other up. But his bedroom became his hiding place where he would retreat, seethe at me, get high and watch Netflix or read sci-fi. He became so withdrawn and angry.

Since I changed the locks almost a month ago, I have allowed him to come by appointment to move more of his stuff into the garage or out to his storage unit. He told me he is moving into an apartment at the 1st of the month. Each time he has showed  up with no boxes and no helpers, and has slammed and shoved things around and broken things. Last time he managed to break a lightbulb in the hall, but didn't tell me it had happened. When I went to vacuum his room to get it ready for a housemate to see, I discovered the broken lightbulb in the hall, and also the gift I had given him for our most recent wedding anniversary in the wastebasket, clearly left there for me to find. I felt so  hurt and angry. It was a beautiful gift, a handcarved winged frog spirit statue from Bali, and I thought it was really special. I've been giving him frog gifts since we've been together and that was a really lovely piece. I also make very little money so it was an extravagance for me to buy it for him. But he just threw it away to teach me a lesson, or something.

I was angry. I texted him. I was furious about the light bulb and the discarded gift, and about realizing he had lied to me about planning to have sex with my former best friend. We had just agreed to not have sex or relationships with other people when I found out he had already been having phone sex with her and was planning to get together with her. This happened last week. I shouldn't have even played into it but I contacted her and asked her to not have sex with him. I was sick and so upset at him that he was ready to jump into (a relationship? At least sex) with this person just a couple of weeks after our not-even-official breakup.

My last partnership ended when my former fiancee had sex with my best friend and they both lied about it, and then after we broke up he had sex with another one of my close friends, and they both lied about it too. It was super painful for me and triggers a lot of anguish for me in this situation. This was a little different as this was a person who I had stepped away from due to her volatility and vindictiveness toward other people, particularly former friends and lovers. In my experience, that behavior will eventually be turned on to me, so I don't stay friends with people like that. She had been acting weird and seductive toward my husband the last time I saw her 2 years ago, telling him in front of me that she is a great f*ck and has a tight ****.  Last week, this former friend dumped a bucket of crazy all over me, telling me that she is a sacred whore and channeling the destroyer goddess Kali, and that she was having sex with half the city and she would have sex with my husband if she wanted to, whether I liked it or not, but maybe I would get lucky and the fates would spare me. A serious bucket of crazy.

I did end up calling my husband and reasoning with him about her. He is a not-great judge of character when people are charming him and she has a lot of crazy charm, enough that I looked past her crazy for a couple of years before I'd had enough. He agreed to not have sex with her, but he would not agree to stop "talking" with her despite her vindictiveness and the poison spilling out of her mouth about me. It wasn't until a few days later, the moment when I saw my gift to him in the garbage, that I realized he had lied to me about her too. And I realized that I didn't want to ever have trust his word again. I am *so* tired of being lied to. Whether he actually had physical sex and cheated on me in that way or not during our marriage, he divorced me in his heart a long time ago, and had many emotional and energetic affairs with other women from the early days of our relationship. It makes me sick to think of how often I have had to play damage control on our lives and enforce reasonable boundaries that he just ignored whenever it was not in alignment with what he wanted in the moment. Like when I had bronchitis and he wouldnt stop smoking pot and vaping nicotine in the house even though I could barely breathe. He just waited until I was in the other room and did what he wanted. If I smelled pot or vape and confronted him about it, he either lied to my face or blew up at me and stomped out. And the women "friends" he had that he went on friend dates with and traded flirtatious texts with. I'd nip another relationship in the bud, and he'd go out to lunch with her again anyway. Because it was wrong of me to keep him from having friends.

I told him yesterday that I was removing the restriction against sex with other people. He had no objections, but says he isnt getting involved with other people. Really, I just dont want to wonder and worry about what he is doing and with whom. I want out of this toxic hellhole of a relationship that has kept me twisted up inside and physically ill for years. It doesnt matter whether I love him or not, or if he loves me. I can't be with this man any more. I've given him over 8 years of my life, for better and for worse, and he is not able to willing to change his behavior enough to be a safe person for me to be around for a whole week, let alone for the rest of my life.

So... .long story slightly shorter:  In a burst of angry energy yesterday, I moved all the rest of his belongings out to the garage. Including the wastebasket with my gift in it.   
Out in the garage, I saw an early gift I had given him sticking out of a box. It was a dreamcatcher that I commissioned years ago, from a native artist friend of mine. The hoop was made of native dogwood. The web was handspun yarn I'd made on our first road trip together. The crystals knotted on there were ones we had found together. and an owl feather we'd found on a mushroom hunt together was hanging from the bottom. An african bone bead carved into a frog was stitched onto it. It was special and beautiful and I put a lot of thought into designing it for him. And yesterday I cut it up into little pieces with my sewing scissors. I was thinking, "You have shattered my dreams. You don't value my contributions."

Afterward, I hated that I had destroyed that beautiful artifact of our relationship. I'm still crying about it. It was vindictive and not like me. I am afraid of his retaliation now. I don't like that I did that. I wish I hadn't. Maybe he would have thrown it away on his own. I guess I should take it out of the box it was sticking out of so he doesn't see it. He probably won't even remember it. My gifts and contributions didn't matter to him.

I am so angry at him. I have let him hurt me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for years now. I want him to hurt now too. I want him to feel the pain of loss, to realize what a good thing he had in me. The only thing I couldn't do was make much money, but I was in school so that I could in the future. And yet he treated me like I was a piece of sh!t who just mooched off of him. "Sucking his life energy", he called it, because he was responsible for most of the bills when I was injured. He also made 5x (or more) money than I did. I treated him so well. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him. I forgave too much. I trusted him too long far past the point where he showed me with his words and actions that I shouldn't believe him.  I am so angry and hurt. I need to unhook myself from him in as many ways as possible.

Now I have to start over the best I can. 40 years old, childless, separated, broke, PTSD and a host of physical ailments, and in school with people who are half my age and have their whole lives ahead of them. I don't feel that I have a lot of good going on in my life. I am still going on though, and in moments the grief lifts for a few minutes of hours. Time with friends helps. Little victories, like getting my bills paid and organizing the kitchen, also helps. Spending time with my cat helps. Knowing I get to tend my garden for another year at least helps. Writing here helps.
Thanks for reading and for your supportive comments, they are really appreciated.

[Gardengoddess]

I'm up and down a lot lately. Sometimes I have a ton of energy and I spend it cleaning and organizing the stuff that I was too depressed to take care of in our last months together. Sometimes I feel so scattered and exhausted that I can't concentrate on anything.

He shows up in my dreams, smiling and fit and looking as handsome and inviting as he did when we first met 8.5 years ago. He holds out his hand to me and gazes at me lovingly. I feel that electric shock to my heart, that deep energetic connection, a soul connection. Back in the early years, we could always access that. In between horrific, violent arguments and his baffling behavior. Still, the connection, the sharing of breath and longing and total energetic unity, was the most exciting and delicious thing I had ever experienced. I didn't know that love like that existed. It was love beyond my wildest dreams for myself. And so anything that he did to crush me or back away from our love was just another obstacle to be hurdled so that we could have our beautiful and loving future together. Adversity made my love stronger.

We broke up when he changed his mind about having a child with me. We had a few terrifying and violent arguments. He moved out. We couldn't stay away from each other. I realized I had to make a choice. I handed it to him. We needed to either stop seeing each other forever, and or I needed him to make a commitment. That included getting married, having a child together, and him getting treatment. Back then I suspected he was bipolar (it's likely to be a dual illness with his BPD) and I knew he needed to be on an even keel. He thought about it and said yes to all of it. He asked me to marry him a few days later. In the end, the only thing that he followed through on was marrying me. And even that, he soured. We spent under $4K and had a truly amazing community-focused artistic wedding that my friends and family still talk about being the best they have ever been to. And for years after, he was furious at me for the money we had spent on the wedding, money he had agreed to spend. Every argument, he'd bring it up to hurt me with it. I felt so sad and depressed, I couldn't bear to look at wedding photos. I never did sort them into a photo album. It was so disappointing to see them and feel the ache in my heart from my husband's scorn. it was my labor of love, my way of showing him and the world how much I love him. A celebration of our uniqueness and individuality, and what made us special as a couple. And he now hated and resented it and used it as a weapon to hurt me.

That's what it always came down to. We would be so close. SO close! Closer than I ever realized two people could be. And then something would come over him. Sometimes I could see him fighting it. Trying to stay respectful. Using tools he'd learned to calm himself. But eventually it would overtake him like a tsunami and he would have to reject me and hurt me just as much as he had merged with me before. Eventually I didn't want to merge with him anymore. It hurt too much. He took this as rejection of himself. In some ways I did reject him; I became more independent and autonomous. It was what he said he wanted, but it seemed he was always trying to sabotage me. Mostly by crushing me with his emotionally violent outbursts. It was almost always over something small, but was huge in his mind because it was attached to all of these other things, usually having to do with money and how I was "bleeding him dry". Back, of course, to the cost of our wedding (which I paid for too!). And how he won't have a child with me because that would mean that I would stay home with a kid and he would have to work and that wasn't fair. But he also didn't want to support me through school so that I could have the degree, get a career job, and support him while he stayed him with a kid. He resented me for any obligation it caused him. If my car broke down, he flipped out.
Last year we went on a vacation to a retreat center, and something melted in him. He had a hugely healing experience and when we came home, he was ready to have a kid with me. We started making plans to get pregnant and move out of state, pursuing our dreams. We told all of our friends. We started saving money.
 Then he started to withdraw. One night I finally told him that I was worried about him, that he seemed depressed. He suddenly exploded, and it was worse and more terrifying than ever before. He started roaring like a furious beast, chased me into my bedroom with his fists out,  and pounded on the locked door, screaming incoherently. I thought he was going to kill me. I am surprised he did not kick in the door, he could have. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I wish that I had called the police in that moment. Or a friend to come be with me or take me somewhere. I felt utterly alone. It was the most crushing betrayal I can imagine. I felt my heart break into a million pieces.

He was ashamed afterward. He said that he would go in for testing and diagnosis. That's when he got the BPD diagnosis. He said he had been abusive and I didn't deserve it. That his problems stem from very early childhood trauma and he was going to deal with it so that I didn't have to anymore. That he understood if I left and he would support me in doing so because I deserve to be safe. He even told a bunch of friends and family that he was abusive and he was going to change. I seriously thought about leaving him. Ultimately I stayed. I was injured not long after that and needed his support, and I believed that he was on a healing path. He started a new job with a commute that he hated. It spun him right back into bitterness. He never came back from it.

His dad died and it sucked him into a terrible spiral of drugs, crazy impulsive behavior, and constant criticism and judgement of me with the constant threat of violence. We never again made plans to follow our shared dreams. He only cared about his own dreams. He set out to make them come true. I was not part of them. He wanted to be a pro drummer, and that meant buying expensive drumsets, late nights drinking and partying with musicians, and lots of LOUD drumming practice at the house. I was going to school, and he would alternate between helping me with my homework and raging at me for needing him to support me while I am school. His face, once relaxed and happy and loving, excited to be with me, was pinched and angry so much of the time. I could see and feel his bitterness. I was working with a DV agency at this point. I realized he was never going to change. I had to find a way out.

There is so much more to a relationship than I can write here. There is, or was, so much love between us. I am angry at him and terribly hurt and traumatized by his behavior. I know I can't be with him. I long for him. It is a deep confusion for me. I read here that the conflicting feelings are normal. But it feels like I am being torn apart. Some days I have been glad to be rid of him. Other days I don't know how I can live without him. My soulmate. I married him for life. I would have stayed with him forever. It hurts so much. Thankful for my friends and how loving and supportive they have been. But I'll never have another love like this one. My husband, my soulmate, my tormentor. 

[so_overit]

There is so much more to a relationship than I can write here. There is, or was, so much love between us. I am angry at him and terribly hurt and traumatized by his behavior. I know I can't be with him. I long for him. It is a deep confusion for me. I read here that the conflicting feelings are normal. But it feels like I am being torn apart. Some days I have been glad to be rid of him. Other days I don't know how I can live without him. My soulmate. I married him for life. I would have stayed with him forever. It hurts so much. Thankful for my friends and how loving and supportive they have been. But I'll never have another love like this one. My husband, my soulmate, my tormentor. 

Reading this made me cry. I feel the same way. My husband and tormentor. Mine moved out yesterday. Today I feel a sense of peace along with a horrible longing for the guy I married (in the beginning). You are lucky to have supportive friends. I have a few... .good luck.

[Gardengoddess]

Reading this made me cry. I feel the same way. My husband and tormentor. Mine moved out yesterday. Today I feel a sense of peace along with a horrible longing for the guy I married (in the beginning). You are lucky to have supportive friends. I have a few... .good luck.

It sounds like it was definitely time for him to go, and I hear that it is very painful for you.

I haven't had the energy to be close to friends for a while, as my marriage was so painful it sucked most of my energy up and sapped my confidence. I've started reaching out, though, and friends who were acquaintances before have now become a lifeline for me. it took me being desperate after my suicide attempt last month, realizing that the only way I was going to get through this was with help from my community. Don't let yourself get that low! The days and weeks following a breakup like this will put you in a very vulnerable space. Be bold, reach out to people. You never know who will become your ally and what blessings they will bring to your life.

Abusers are good at isolating us and making us feel alone and dependent on them for all kinds of things, including our self esteem. Will he kind and loving, compliment us and adore us today? Or will he be harsh, critical, explosive, and cruel? Keeping us guessing, walking on eggshells exhausts our minds and bodies. It saps our energy and spirit. Take this time to replenish yours. Treat yourself to soul-nourishing whenever possible. and vent here. It's really helping me. Find a great therapist who is training in abuse dynamics, if you don't have one already.

Take care. You can get through this! <3

[Harley Quinn]

Gardengoddess,

Thank you for sharing your story with us and the impacts that all of this is having upon you right now.  What you describe about your current state of mind and emotions resonates with me and I feel explains really well the confusion and pain that we go through after ending a destructive relationship.  This was especially poignant to me:

But I'll never have another love like this one. My husband, my soulmate, my tormentor.

I feel your pain at this statement and can totally relate.  Perhaps we can in time - when we are emotionally healthier ourselves, find that connection again with someone.  Without the heartbreak.  Right now, taking care of ourselves needs to be top priority so looking for a mate is not even on my list.  But who knows what the future may hold.  I'm able to say that now.   

I am so pleased to hear that you are getting good support from your DV worker and are reaching out to connect with friends again.  Can the DV service offer you support around recovery from the emotional impacts and perhaps put you in the right direction for financial support services that might be less well know?

There is underlying strength in your words and a clarity about the situation that I feel only comes when a little time has passed.  Well done for taking the steps that you are and for having the awareness that you do.  Being able to sit and process things that are painful to us isn't easy, yet a necessary part of detaching and healing.  Making sense of and accepting the reality, whilst making it no less painful does help us to step back a little and begin to separate ourselves from it enough to take better care of ourselves and I see you doing that.  Stay strong and keep posting.