Split me black again, won't communicate about child

[motherof1yearold]

So 2 major things - I have been trying to communicate with exBPDH about our infant for about an entire week. He has completely ignored me and I haven't seen him at any exchanges at all this entire time, (I'm thinking he got arrested or something but I checked and it appears not to be) so he has just made up some reason to split me black ... .  

well  I had a few questions about the child so I e-mail, text as well after I got no reply . I have a big problem though, at an exchange a week ago he forgot to bring a carseat and I let him borrow one of my two car seats. I have very nicely asked for it back several times ... .   maybe he split me black and wants to keep the car seat so he isn't speaking to me? I can't believe I was so stupid, but now I guess I have kissed that car seat goodbye! He is probably enjoying the control right now right, having the car seat and not speaking to me?

So upsetting to me . I will be documenting all of this of course... .

1 step forward 5 steps back

[marbleloser]

It seems to go in cycles.We just have to ride it out.Remember that two can play that game tho.

[motherof1yearold]

Indeed. Now after I sent ex an extremely professional email he has called and texted. Guess he got scared.

I should be getting the seat tomorrow. He knows I am documenting everything and probably is getting a dose of reality about how is behavior is inappropriate when co parenting a child.

[Cmjo]

Hello, I am sorry for this frustrating time you are having, this has been going on for six months for me. I was with my expartner who is uBPD for 12 years, and our children were 9 and 10 when last year I left because finally his emotional cruelty to our daughter went too far, and I realised for the first time the extent of his disorder.

He has pleaded with me to go back, said I have destroyed the family, written me so many abusive emails, his protestations that he loves me fall on deaf ears. Sure he needs me to prop him up, but that is not love. Verbal and emotional abuse is not love.

So to anger, confuse and manipulate me he has behaved appallingly in the last six months. Using the children to get at me. I wrote to him last week that as time was going by I felt going back would probably be impossible, and this lead to four days of raging. I picked up the kids from him one morning to find about 10 bags of books, photo albums, framed pictures etc of mine on the garden path and saw him walking back into the house. The children looked very sad. He left me and our children to pick up the stuff and load it into my car. I tried to make light of it and not show my anger. Then a few days later, the next time I picked up the kids from there, my son came out with a pot plant, a present from my ex, and pleaded with me to go in and say thank you... .   thikning we could still kiss and make up! How cruel is that, sending your son with the peace offering, so if it is not acepted our son gets the rejection. I just said it was lovely and I would call Daddy to thank him later.

I would like to write to him to say how awful is behaviour is and I do not want to have any more contact with him except for discussing the children by email, until a time when we can agree to go to their sports events school meetings etc TOGETHER, which ideally I would like to be able to do for thier sakes. However, when I write an email, he responds abusively. As in our relationship, he is horible to me until I cant take it any more, break down in hysterics, hit him, we dont speak for a week then we laugh about it and move on. But there is no moving on now, no tolerance, no forgiveness. I cant accept it. He knows I have asked him to see a specialist for BPD, but as far as I know he hasnt gone. It is pointless talking any more... .

We always shared responsibility for school pickups around my freelance job and his shifts. But I always have to organise it. THe routine is he can go to work without thinking about who will look after the kids because I will always make the arrangements. If I need to go to work I need to check with him. I have to ask him every weekend what his shiftsare for the next week. SOmetimes he replies bluntly by email. Sometimes he doesnt reply at all. Sometimes he replies angrily that he wont tell me, he will only tell our daughter. He says I can sort out my own childcare, so when I have done, he then rings our daughter in the morning and says he will be picking her up from school. If I write back to confirm the arrangements for the next week he will reply sarcastically like "Life is all about timetables isnt it", or "Arent you the clever mother". I feel it is the children's right to have a routine and to know at least for the next few days where they will be sleeping. I could apply for a court order, but that would escalate the conflict in my opinion, and a court cannot order a fixed routine easily with our flexible and varied working hours.

I now live round the corner from our house in rented accommodation, but even if the kids are with him I will see them every day, taking them to school in the morning, making sure they have all their books, medicines etc.

So obviously he wants to keep you car seat, but let him, at least you will be more comfortable about the fact your child is being driven around safely. YOu have to let some things go. At least your exchanges sem to be agreed, follow the rules, and enjoy your child when he/she is with you, I think at this stage you have to read up about "parallel parenting", as co-parenting just wont happen. If they wont communicate, thinking it will hurt you; they are hurting their child through this, my strategy now is just not to react.

Good luck and keep posting how you are getting on!

[motherof1yearold]

Thanks for sharing CMJO! I also must commend you on the way you are handling your BPD! I wouldn't know what to do.

Luckily after I sent the email he probably realized how terrible he looks, and gave it back finally. Although I am still split black in the mean time for whatever I must have done to him that was soo cruel! (Just kidding) But it is frustrating.

[Blazing Star]

Indeed. Now after I sent ex an extremely professional email he has called and texted. Guess he got scared.

I should be getting the seat tomorrow. He knows I am documenting everything and probably is getting a dose of reality about how is behavior is inappropriate when co parenting a child.

I like this, it sounds like sending emails in that tone is a great way to communicate with him! Sounds like he respects that kind of tone. Keep it up!

Love Blazing Star

[motherof1yearold]

Indeed. Now after I sent ex an extremely professional email he has called and texted. Guess he got scared.

I should be getting the seat tomorrow. He knows I am documenting everything and probably is getting a dose of reality about how is behavior is inappropriate when co parenting a child.

I like this, it sounds like sending emails in that tone is a great way to communicate with him! Sounds like he respects that kind of tone. Keep it up!

Love Blazing Star

Ya using that tone is pretty much a win - win right now so I'll continue with that

[changingme]

My child is 13, I have been dealing with this for 13 years.  I don't believe hanging onto the car seat (for example) is a control thing.  I don't think its a "thing" at all in his mind.  I think the issue it just he isn't in the right state of mind to communicate about anything.  He is shut down.  Eventually it will pass because it always does, so keep your focus on that.  Eventually you will get your car seat, or anything he may have of yours in the future.  I learned to hard way, being so angry and fighting about things like that which doesn't help the situation.  Sometimes just keeping quiet (even if that means in the meantime you have to buy a new car seat or whatever it maybe) makes it pass faster and the faster you will get what you want.  Also keep in mind, it will happen all over again. 

[ForeverDad]

I have a big problem though, at an exchange a week ago he forgot to bring a carseat and I let him borrow one of my two car seats. I have very nicely asked for it back several times ... . but now I guess I have kissed that car seat goodbye! He is probably enjoying the control right now right, having the car seat and not speaking to me?

Sorry, I'm late reading this.  This is part of the exchange issues with items not coming back.  We periodically get reminders we're dealing with self-centered persons who give us us zero or minimal concern.  For whatever reason, at best, it just doesn't register on them, at worst, it's entitlement and control.

Just another lesson that we exposed ourselves to an opportunity to put us at a disadvantage.  Maybe next time something crucial like that happens you just say No to the exchange, maybe give him a few minutes to go get the car seat he left behind?  View it as another boundary you have to set?  You have to send your child wearing clothes and perhaps other necessities, but set certain limits - and try to remember those limits.  Yes, hard to do on the spot and when caught off guard.

[motherof1yearold]

I agree FD! Now if that ever happens again ( and I'm sure it will!) I will wait for him to go get his own car seat and return with it. I won't be sending anything with my daughter except her clothes and shoes.

and like changingtimes said, it will happen again! But next time I am handling it differently, I am way too quick to just be a nice person and let him use my car seat.