Did you know they were a loser at the start? What exactly were you going to fix?

[diotima]

Bleeds: when I said that "if she is smart she will use the guy... ." I wasn't recommending it but saying it was a possibility. I wanted to clarify.

No, I absolutely did not know that my ex was a loser at the start. He has a successful career--so far, although he is probably on the verge of sabotage by not being able to write more books. It took some time--being accused of weird things and there being odd misunderstandings and abrupt rages and criticisms. I think he held that stuff in as long as he could so it took a few months and then the cycles of splitting and raging started. So by the time the bad stuff started I was very attached to him. Lethal.

Diotima

[bf0207]

All interesting stuff. The 20 signs was really useful. Although I only had about half, it was early days when I got out (well, still trying to lessen the grasp!). Nearly got back with him, but realised that   are too great to ignore now.

Shouldn't have to think 'why is he saying this?' or 'why is he doing this?' 'is he manipulating me or am I going crazy?' on a third date!

Yeah, I feel sorry for BPDers, but I feel more sorry for us guys who have to pick up the pieces. I think if we decide to detach and leave, thinking of them in terms of 'losers' helps. Probably a bit unfair, but those we've left behind are losers. The ones who're making a go of things and trying are not losers though. Good on them for seeking professional help

[RedRightAnkle]

Yeah, I feel sorry for BPDers, but I feel more sorry for us guys who have to pick up the pieces. I think if we decide to detach and leave, thinking of them in terms of 'losers' helps. Probably a bit unfair, but those we've left behind are losers. The ones who're making a go of things and trying are not losers though. Good on them for seeking professional help

I don't think it's that unfair, considering a lot of those BPDers walk away with even worse perceptions of us than just "losers." Plus, the difference there is that a lot of them truly are losers - most of what they will say about us is either completely false or over-exaggerated. "Loser" is sort of a harsh term, but hey, for a lot of these people it seems to fit.

[Clearmind]

When I first met him he was in debt but told me his plan to actively pay it off. I thought that if he had a place to live/love that once the debt was paid off we would live happily ever after. How wrong I was - his issues are way more deep seated than money problems.

DOH!

[Chai67]

Mine was athletically gifted (and let's face it, smoking hot) and I thought I could do all the stuff he wasn't good at - marketing, dealing with customers, oh and of course I was going to "calm him down" when he got angry.  After all, he wasn't angry at me... .yet.

Now, almost a year later, I have an enemy who is doing everything he can to sabotage my life... .after I busted my ass trying to help him.  At least after reading these BPD sites tonight, I am no longer confused!

[T2Logan]

She used to constantly say (well, still does) that she is a loser. I always assured her she wasn't. When I met her she wasn't in school and told me at 18 due to financial issues and her parents she was not able to go to college right away so she worked for 10 years (up to management position). Anyway, I helped her find financial ways to attend college and she is 3 years in, but still considers herself a loser. I personally didn't see her as a loser, though maybe I should've realized a lack of drive, ambition, and self in the beginning.

[Beach_Babe]

why am i surprised at this outcome? She was a loser with a capital L 

[trampledfoot]

Wow this thread really hit home for me.  My gf BPD of 2.5 years whenever we had our very first fight it was a few months in when i asked her what her goals or ambitions were.  She has none still to this day she has no aspirations ... .  ask her what she wants to be... .  she doesnt care doesnt think its important... She is very bright and has a college degree... yet says finding a job is impossible and continues to waitress. I have done almost everything short of dressing in drag and going to an interview for her to help her in the process.  However, all of me trying to help almost always ends in a fight and a rage.