co-parenting with borderline - would love any advice/resources

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I am the step parent to 2 great kids. We have equal time sharing with my husband's ex, who I firmly believe has Borderline. I am not sure what exactly she's diagnosed with, but I think most clinicians would agree once they hear the circumstances. She was hospitalized two times in the past year. The most recent hospitalization was a suicide attempt and the first one, was apparently a voluntary admission. She has impulsive spending habits, where it is detrimental to herself and family. She had had a boyfriend, same guy for the last 5 years, however, they have broken up possibly 2-3 times a year. There was a breakup with the boyfriend immediately prior to each hospitalization, in the last year. We have equal time sharing, and pay a considerable amount of child support. We have exactly one week on and one week off. However, the children come to us for 100 % of all school related, extra-curricular things, because she tends to cry, fall apart and breakdown about her finances in front of them. She has told her children that she cannot pay her rent sometimes, etc. She has a job, where if you don't see clients, you don't get paid... .so cries about her finances in front of her children. They have learned to just come to their father and I for their needs past food, and clothing at their mother's house. She has also told the son that the reason she was hospitalized was because she felt he was becoming distant. Um... .he's a 17 yr old with AP classes, a serious girlfriend and 5 extracurricular clubs. He's not distant, he's just an average teenager doing above average things, that take his time. Regardless of financial factors, she is also not supportive of the children and their ex-curricular activities. When my step-daughter was a girl scout, immediately after the divorce, the mother refused to take her to girl scouts. So my husband would take his daughter on his weeks and her weeks. He never told his daughter why. There's countless other stories I can tell, where we've shouldered the burden 100 % for the children and it's just taking a toll on us. I understand the need for limit setting, however, it's hard when the end result might mean the kids suffer. For example, my step-daughter just asked to participate in a sport. The fee was $200. If we set limits and just pay our half, (legally, it's 50/50 % for extra-curricular activities), she will in all seriousness just not pay... .and then the little girl suffers... .so we just pay it. It's not just this, it's everything all the little things, that add up. My step son is driving age and there are just things we cannot handle the burden anymore of handling it 100%, without it adding incredible pressure and stress. But if we don't do it, the kids lose out. So, any resources/advice on how to set boundaries and not reinforce that she can just contribute nothing to the kids development, while not setting a scenario where the kids lose out, is greatly appreciated. I feel like we're a car with a flat tire. When you're driving with a flat tire, the other tires have considerable pressure and eventually they will wear away unless that flat is changed or replaced. And I can't exactly "replace" a co-parent. So, not sure how to navigate the rest of our co-parenting years without all this stress. Thank you in advance to anyone reading!

[Stpprnt]

Hi, I am the step parent to 2 great kids. We have equal time sharing with my husband's ex, who I firmly believe has Borderline. I am not sure what exactly she's diagnosed with, but I think most clinicians would agree once they hear the circumstances. She was hospitalized two times in the past year. The most recent hospitalization was a suicide attempt and the first one, was apparently a voluntary admission. She has impulsive spending habits, where it is detrimental to herself and family. She had had a boyfriend, same guy for the last 5 years, however, they have broken up possibly 2-3 times a year. There was a breakup with the boyfriend immediately prior to each hospitalization, in the last year. We have equal time sharing, and pay a considerable amount of child support. We have exactly one week on and one week off. However, the children come to us for 100 % of all school related, extra-curricular things, because she tends to cry, fall apart and breakdown about her finances in front of them. She has told her children that she cannot pay her rent sometimes, etc. She has a job, where if you don't see clients, you don't get paid... .so cries about her finances in front of her children. They have learned to just come to their father and I for their needs past food, and clothing at their mother's house. She has also told the son that the reason she was hospitalized was because she felt he was becoming distant. Um... .he's a 17 yr old with AP classes, a serious girlfriend and 5 extracurricular clubs. He's not distant, he's just an average teenager doing above average things, that take his time. Regardless of financial factors, she is also not supportive of the children and their ex-curricular activities. When my step-daughter was a girl scout, immediately after the divorce, the mother refused to take her to girl scouts. So my husband would take his daughter on his weeks and her weeks. He never told his daughter why. There's countless other stories I can tell, where we've shouldered the burden 100 % for the children and it's just taking a toll on us. I understand the need for limit setting, however, it's hard when the end result might mean the kids suffer. For example, my step-daughter just asked to participate in a sport. The fee was $200. If we set limits and just pay our half, (legally, it's 50/50 % for extra-curricular activities), she will in all seriousness just not pay... .and then the little girl suffers... .so we just pay it. It's not just this, it's everything all the little things, that add up. My step son is driving age and there are just things we cannot handle the burden anymore of handling it 100%, without it adding incredible pressure and stress. But if we don't do it, the kids lose out. So, any resources/advice on how to set boundaries and not reinforce that she can just contribute nothing to the kids development, while not setting a scenario where the kids lose out, is greatly appreciated. I feel like we're a car with a flat tire. When you're driving with a flat tire, the other tires have considerable pressure and eventually they will wear away unless that flat is changed or replaced. And I can't exactly "replace" a co-parent. So, not sure how to navigate the rest of our co-parenting years without all this stress. Thank you in advance to anyone reading!

[Struggler123]

Hi, I am the step parent to 2 great kids. We have equal time sharing with my husband's ex, who I firmly believe has Borderline. I am not sure what exactly she's diagnosed with, but I think most clinicians would agree once they hear the circumstances. She was hospitalized two times in the past year. The most recent hospitalization was a suicide attempt and the first one, was apparently a voluntary admission. She has impulsive spending habits, where it is detrimental to herself and family. She had had a boyfriend, same guy for the last 5 years, however, they have broken up possibly 2-3 times a year. There was a breakup with the boyfriend immediately prior to each hospitalization, in the last year. We have equal time sharing, and pay a considerable amount of child support. We have exactly one week on and one week off. However, the children come to us for 100 % of all school related, extra-curricular things, because she tends to cry, fall apart and breakdown about her finances in front of them. She has told her children that she cannot pay her rent sometimes, etc. She has a job, where if you don't see clients, you don't get paid... .so cries about her finances in front of her children. They have learned to just come to their father and I for their needs past food, and clothing at their mother's house. She has also told the son that the reason she was hospitalized was because she felt he was becoming distant. Um... .he's a 17 yr old with AP classes, a serious girlfriend and 5 extracurricular clubs. He's not distant, he's just an average teenager doing above average things, that take his time. Regardless of financial factors, she is also not supportive of the children and their ex-curricular activities. When my step-daughter was a girl scout, immediately after the divorce, the mother refused to take her to girl scouts. So my husband would take his daughter on his weeks and her weeks. He never told his daughter why. There's countless other stories I can tell, where we've shouldered the burden 100 % for the children and it's just taking a toll on us. I understand the need for limit setting, however, it's hard when the end result might mean the kids suffer. For example, my step-daughter just asked to participate in a sport. The fee was $200. If we set limits and just pay our half, (legally, it's 50/50 % for extra-curricular activities), she will in all seriousness just not pay... .and then the little girl suffers... .so we just pay it. It's not just this, it's everything all the little things, that add up. My step son is driving age and there are just things we cannot handle the burden anymore of handling it 100%, without it adding incredible pressure and stress. But if we don't do it, the kids lose out. So, any resources/advice on how to set boundaries and not reinforce that she can just contribute nothing to the kids development, while not setting a scenario where the kids lose out, is greatly appreciated. I feel like we're a car with a flat tire. When you're driving with a flat tire, the other tires have considerable pressure and eventually they will wear away unless that flat is changed or replaced. And I can't exactly "replace" a co-parent. So, not sure how to navigate the rest of our co-parenting years without all this stress. Thank you in advance to anyone reading!

The idea is to set healthy boundaries, and at times you will feel like you are becoming the bad guy, and the truth is theres no winning with BPD. You have to keep in mind that you are human and you have needs to. I recommend that if its possible to get professional help. But setting boundaries will take some time, the most common module in my opinion is the silent treatment when things get heated and out of control in terms of arguments. The other is the idea of extinction, don't respond to the behavoirs and those behavoirs will eventually go away. Its not one solid idea. But you have to concentrate on your sanity as well. As you morph, you can develop the same unhealthy habits of the BPD. Only difference is your mind has an emotional trigger, it understands how difficult situations are on a LOGICAL level, in the meantime I think that depending on the kids ages, they should be prepared and should be told that, their needs and feelings matter to, is it going to be easy off course not but it avoids the whole mess with future therapy sessions, and you can't always play the role of the caretaker. I am just gonna be straight forward, those that ask for help will recieve it, but if your not ready for it no force on Earth can stop the wrath of a BPD. Set up boundaries, according to your needs, and if it fits great, if not then change the circumstances. Only you know the solutions, wish you the best.

[aphf]

Hi there,

I'm really glad you are reaching out to the community here. Unless you have experienced it first hand, it's difficult to relate to co-parenting with someone with BPD. My wife and I are both in the role of co-parenting with BPD and being the step parent since we both have children from past relationships with  someone having BPD.

I would say, regardless of if the ex has BPD or not, I agree with the last reply. Bounderies are going to be the hugest benefit. If the ex doesn't recognize she needs help there is little chance of it getting better on it's own. The kids may suffer a bit in the short term, but in the long run, setting that precedence and not enabling may proove to be better for you, your husband, and role modeling fo the kids. It sounds like they are very aware of their mothers patterns. Of course I don't know  everything about your situation, and from what I'm reading here, it sounds like they are, understanably taking caring for and/or enabling their mother so showing them how to set good bounderies and not getting taken advantage of would be a good tool for them.

Since you are in the court system you could also ask the child support judge to impute her income which might give her insentive to do a bit more, or at least create a documented trail of her patterns for the future.

I'm very sorry you are in the position to need to reach out for help at all. Understanding you are going forward with integrity and there is nothing you can do, or no lengths you can go to "fix" this may help at least get through it. I would also recomment therapy for yourself and the kids as this is a lot of weight to carry.

[Nope]

But if we don't do it, the kids lose out.

This has been the hardest part for my as a step mom. We've had to put everything we do for the kids into different categories: Needs. (Glasses, school supplies, counseling co-pays.) Great Wants that are not needs. (Smart phones, extra curricular activities, anything to do with access to a car.) Flat Out Wants. (Anything to do with access to a car to drive, the latest video games, brand name clothes.)

IF both bio parents contributed the way they could, the kids would have all needs, most reasonable great wants, and occasional flat out wants. Without the other parent's help the best we can do is all needs and the occasional great want or Flat Out Want for birthdays. Yes, it sucks. We want to give them every opportunity and every fun thing their peers have. But we also need to stay in a good financial place so that we aren't always stressed about money, which is still the number one thing couples fight about.

It's ok to set boundaries with the kids and explain to them what you can and cannot financially do. But in that conversation you can let them know you'll always make sure their needs get metkidIt'll be painful for the kids to miss out, but it sounds like they are old enough to understand some hard reality.

As for the legal aspect, you won't know how much she actually does or doesn't make without taker her to court for child support. If you have teenagers and it isn't likely their mom makes much it may not be worth it and could even backfire. From my own experience, even though we went to court she is refusing to pay support and just screams at Child Support Enforcement every time they contact her about paying. Meanwhile, SS's braces need to be paid for.

[Panda39]

I agree it is okay to have your own financial boundaries, frankly you would if your stepkids were yours together without a BPD parent.  We all have financial limits.  I would brainstorm with the kids... .is there anything that could be given up to get something else, or could they work for it... .mowing lawns... .washing cars... .babysitting.

It's hard because we want to give our children everything but the reality is that we can't and frankly getting everything they want isn't really good for them. Life isn't easy, life isn't handed to you on a silver platter, you learn from those hard knocks.

I'm a step-parent to 2 young ladies, and I have had to let go, let them miss out on somethings and let them watch their mother fail and disappoint.  Their dad and I prioritize and help where we can.  His youngest daughter just went to prom in a dress she already owns... .basic black, looked great on her... .we couldn't afford a new dress for hundreds of dollars,but what we could do was get her some smokin' shoes, an updated clutch and some costume jewelry to update her look.  She looked great and she and her friends had a wonderful time all without breaking the bank.

We focus on their needs and then their wants and we don't expect anything from their mother (everything comes with strings anyway) she is gonna do what she is gonna do... .or not.

Panda39

[Stpprnt]

Wow, thank you all soo much for taking the time to respond to my situation. This is my first time here, and I hope to pay it forward too, with the more time and skills/resources I obtain in time as well. That is helpful advice about the short term vs long term gains. The ex is a hair stylist and only works Wed - Sat 10 am to typically 1 pm. I know her work schedule more or less because legally, she's also supposed to pay for 50% of after care for the little one. But she hasn't paid in 3 years because she doesn't use it... .and will be home by 3 pm. She's 9 now, and soo can be in aftercare. (She's in aftercare on our weeks, we pay 100%, but it's only used half the time). It's a catch 22, if she used it, she might have more money. But it's not about having more money. She's reckless with her money, so any amount doesn't last long - she just has to make the decision to use it on her kids. We have mutual friends that have gone to see her, for color and she does not take appts after 2 pm or 3 pm. Esp on Friday's and Saturday's. Now, we live in a big city, and if you're not booked on a weekend until 5 pm, you're intentionally trying not to work. I had a neighbor that used to see her in the very beginning, and she had referred 10 clients to her, (she's actually very talented),  she ruined all those relationships because they were teachers and women, well, who worked, who couldn't accommodate her schedule before 2 pm.  I agree with the short vs long term... .but here is a quandary that I'm in now. Situation #1 - we did put the 9 yr old in therapy, the very week her mom tried to commit suicide a few months ago. According to the MSA, it's 70% for the father and 30 % for mother of all medical/psychotherapy/dental. The fee is exactly $100 (we were recommended an AMAZING child therapist, who unfortunately wasn't in network. His normal rate is $150, but reduced it to $100 for our situation - mom was in the hospital, so wasn't exactly in a position to vote for which therapist to send her daughter). And we only rushed the poor girl to therapy, because her mom was in the hospital. Before that, she was a happy go lucky kid. Anyways, we pay $100 every time, but mom only pays $30 the every other week she takes her, and we pay $100 on our weeks AND $70 on her weeks too. But she doesn't pay $30 on our weeks. She was reminded multiple times that her portion is $30 for each time the daughter went, but doesn't care.

She's actually not taken her a few times to therapy, but one of those times took her to get her nails done before the appt and had her call from the car her father and me to see if we were coming to the appt, cause she didn't have the money.
We can't exactly just not take her to therapy.

We found an amazing kids fitness gym for my 9 yr old stepdaughter - that has classes similar to crossfit. It's actually owned by an occupational therapist, so they do cater to special needs kids (autism, etc). Anyways, they take typically developing children too. We took her there and she LOVED it. And I think seeing other kids with less advantages in life, really helps ground her. She is such an amazing spirit after every class. It's 2x a week (8 times a month). my stepdaughter does have a few lbs she states she wants to lose. We tell her we just want her to be healthy - but regardless of what her motivation, she loves it and it's so beneficial to her soul when she goes. Anyways, we didn't ask for any payment from the mom - just the commitment to take her. She's only taken her once in 2 months. So, my husband's suggestion is for us to take my stepdaughter 3 times on our weeks and one time on her weeks (cause we have a random switch day on Thursdays where they go to the other parent for a day). I'm all for that, but we both work full time. If she was a doctor or attorney that worked 12 hour days, I'd have no problem with us taking on the burden of ex-curricular. So, it just sucks, and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Cause it's expensive if she only goes half the time. I don't mind paying, but it has to be used - otherwise it's a waste. In this situation, we're taking on not only the financial burden, and the emotional/support.

2nd scenario, is my step son turned 16 Dec 2016. We gave him my husband's car at the time. It was paid off. He drove that until last summer and started breaking down. Now, he does have 5 after school clubs, a serious girlfriend and is in 5 AP  classes and is a great kid. However, I don't feel that driving is a right of childhood. But... .if we can do it considering how active he is, it's all good.Because the car was paid off, we just split the cost of the driver's insurance with the mom $100 for each parent ($200 total monthly). It was on her policy and we gave her an add'l $100 to the child support payment every month, to cover it.  ALL year, she would send text messages/emails how she couldn't pay for it anymore. It took a lot of energy from us, because we really wanted the poor kid to drive, he deserves it, ya know? Anyways, last summer, she cancelled with Geico, told Geico that we had primary residence and cancelled him. He was put on our policy without us knowing. This went on for 3 months until we realized (we have auto debit for all our bills). She was continuing to take the money from us every month as well. (This whole ordeal cost us hundreds of dollars) Anyways, my step son was then added back to her policy after we discovered this. We resumed giving her the $100 for our half of the driver's insurance. Anyways, when the first car broke down, I gave him my car (used cadillac - 2010), which was in great condition and I got a new used car for me. We didn't ask for any payment for my step son's car payments or car insurance. It was steep for us to pay for three car payments, but he picked up my step daughter from school as well, so that had tremendous value because we both work full time.

So, She cancelled my step son's car insurance again in FEB of this year, after he'd already been driving for almost 1 1/2 years. So the poor kid hasn't been driving since Feb of this year and it's awful cause I feel like he's had his wings clipped. (consequences of boundaries) So, I agree about the short term vs. long term consequences, but it's hard. Yes, could we take on the full car payment, car insurance and driver's insurance, but the total cost is $700 monthly for him to drive. Her cost was only $100 of that amount. So, we're forced to sell his car, and hopefully he can just have driver's insurance and have access to a car when needed. It's something we're at peace with, as again, this doesn't fall under absolute "needs". But it's all these little things that add up, that are taking a toll on us.  

[DreamGirl]

An important lesson I've learned is just not to depend on mom to do the "right" thing. I use the air quotes ---- because, her "right" does not have to be my "right". Or vice versa.

Example - I believe in kids playing sports as a good tool to learn all kinds of life lessons. Teamwork. Responsibility. Accountability. Fitness. Health. Social skills.

Mom doesn't agree to it being important. She thinks that it's time consuming, costly, and that extra time should be focused on family.

That's OK. Not right or wrong. Just what's "right for me".

So if the kids play sports? I don't depend on her to help financially or in any other way. I also don't get to dictate her time spent with them so if she wanted to do something else, she gets to decide.

And when the kids get older, they decide whether they want to be more like mom in her values or follow in dad's example. Or neither. Or some version of both. We do the best and we hope for the best.     

I agree with others that boundaries are being set financially and that's a good thing. I might also set reasonable expectations of the other parent. If she wants to work part-time and at inconvenient hours for her clients? She gets to do that. She gets to live her life to how she sees fit and while it's unfortunate that her fiscal responsibility plays a role in how she contributes to your providing for the kids, it's just how these situations work. My peace was found long ago when I quit holding her to a standard that she was just incapable of adhering to. She is who she is. She's kind of selfish. She's bad with money. She makes poor choices sometimes. In the end she's just like me though. She's doing the very best she can (no matter what her best may look like) with the hand she was dealt... .

As far as your 16yo driver? Is it possible for him to get a job? My youngest kiddo pays all of his insurance and gas. We got him the car, which is worth about $1500, but the rest is on him.  

$700/month seems like an awful lot by the way... .are there ways to reduce that amount?  

[worriedStepmom]

If she's been hospitalized twice in the last year for mental health issues, are the kids safe with her?  Is she stable enough to take care of them, especially the younger one?

As for finances -
We pay all extracurricular activity fees for my bio kids and for my stepdaughter. 
We will pay all car-related costs for stepdaughter.
We will pay all college costs for stepdaughter.
It is likely my ex will assist with car- or college costs for my bio kids, but if he chooses not to, we will pay them all.
We will pay all mental-health related costs for stepdaughter.
I pay all costs for day care, even on the weeks that my ex has the kids.

None of these expenses are listed in our legal agreements.  Therefore, we pay them because it fits our values (and, luckily, our pocketbook) to do so, because we want those things for the children (or need day care on our time).  Also, we aren't willing to fight about it.

If the legal agreement specifies that the bio mom owes $X for child care and health care, then keep great records. Your husband will have to take her back to court.  If he's not willing to do that, then you have to let it go.
If the legal agreement doesn't specify, then it's really up to the two of you to decide if you're willing to front the whole cost or not.  If not, the child just doesn't get it.

[Stpprnt]

Hi! Again, thank you all for the responses, this is incredibly helpful. I recently read Walking on Eggshells and just about highlighted every page, saying, this is my life. I agree with Dreamgirl, yes, we have lowered our expectations. I honestly would not care how she lives her life, if it didn't directly affect me, but a lot of things are legally mandated of her, that she does not cooperate with. And honestly, I wouldn't be bothered as much by the disparity of $ contributions, if she was flexible in other ways. For example, we've always been able to get the kids from her any time during her weeks. (Oh, there's a birthday party, can we get ___ and ___, Sure thing!) She's not like a normal mom I supposed that feels like they're losing when they don't see their kids. She feels like she's winning... .however, she doesn't want that time back with her kids. (She enjoys time with her boyfriend). And if we had to travel for any reason, she will not trade a day. Not even trade. Legally, she's supposed to pay for aftercare, she doesn't. She's supposed to pay 30% of psychotherapy. She only pays that on her weeks she takes my stepdaughter. Our weeks, we pay 100% and then 70% on her weeks. My poor stepdaughter said to me the other day that she asked her mom for $10 for school books and she said she didn't have the money... .but then the next day had a full set of acrylics nails with glitter and ombre color.

Monday was a switch day, where we got the kids, and my 9 YEAR OLD  step daughter came home with ACRYLIC nails. Now, I was appalled because I have had acrylics nails before... .you have to commit to them. It's about $40 ish to apply, they drill your nail bed, superglue a nail tip, apply this liquid/powder thing on your nails, then drill some more. When you decide to soak them off, your nails are super brittle from all the drilling/filing on your nail bed. It's also $25 per refill. So, of course the mom has acrylics. So my stepdaughter actually is seeing now that she has money for herself, just not us. Anyways, did I mention my stepdaughter is only 9 years old and already has highlights on her hair (her mom is a hairdresser - thank god isn't a plastic surgeon). And she has long acrylics nails. I just can't get over it.

I agree 100% with not relying on her for anything, even extracurricular stuff, because it fits our values... .But here's the thing, mom has historically, hated driving her kids to anything. Just laziness, no other excuse, it's not work hours... .it's just plain lazy and self-centeredness. Anyways, my stepdaughter wants to flippin compete now in kids crossfit! Which I applaud her for wanting to. But with anything, you don't get good at anything, unless you practice. She asked if she could go one extra session next week. I told her, I have no problem, there's actually a lot of sessions you can make up, but next week is your mom's week. She called her mom and told her she wanted to make sure she goes to her fitness classes and she said "I'll think about it". She was trying to encourage her to just join the gym near her house. But it's like a normal gym, no classes for kids. We don't mind again paying the full rate for her fitness classes for the month, but I don't know how to navigate my step-daughter and her plight to encourage her mom to take her. The kids are going to have her as their mom for the rest of their lives, so I think it's great she's trying to advocate for herself. I suggested that when she does talk to her mom, to keep it focused on herself and not on her mom, so she wouldn't get defensive. Meaning she could say "mom, I really want to get in shape and maybe compete in a kids/youth crossfit competition one day and I really want to go to these classes cause they're good for me"... .instead of what I would want to say to her "mom, you're lazy and you need to not be a selfish ____ you need to take me"

And we've only had court once, to answer the question about whether she's stable. She's always going to be a hot mess, not sure about the state of her illness. She tells everyone she's going to therapy and on new meds. The judge did not order temporary full custody to us, but she did order a court ordered evaluation for mom. Which is now finished, everyone's been interviewed, we still don't have it, I'm not sure what happens now, if we're given a copy before court, or we hear the psychologists's recommendations at court. Luckily, there's my 17 yr old stepson, so if she's unstable, he can intervene. I'm more worried about her influence on her daughter, in the sense of the constant victimizing herself and the modeling of helplessness. Raising girls is hard enough, this little girl is part of my life 50% of the time, and I've known her since she was 5 years old. In some ways, I feel she opens up to me more than her mom probably. She told me last week that sometimes she feels like a dog to her mom. Meaning, she just has to feed me, but she doesn't care about my needs.

And my stepson, at first my husband was hesitant for him to work during the school year, because he did legit have a huge courseload with his 5 AP classes. He is likely to get scholarships and is doing fantastic in school. So, if we can save on his college, by supporting him now with his car expenses, that's all good. But now, things are calm for him, and he is working to contribute. The reason why it was almost $700 for him to drive is complicated. We first gave him my husband's used car. It was paid off and we just had to split his insurance on his mom's policy ($200, 50/50 split - $100 per parent). But then the transmission went kaput. I was driving an old Cadillac, but still making payments. We owed $7K still, and 2 years more of payments. Anyways, any used car we would have gotten him would have been in the $3000-5000 area anyways. So, we decided to just give him the Cadillac, since he's going off to college in less than 2 years and we didn't want him driving anyways his freshman year. It was definitely more than we wanted to spend, but he takes his sister to school and picks her up, thus allowing us to work more, so there is value in that. We never asked the mom for a cent to contribute towards the car or the car insurance... .Just his driver's insurance - on her policy because it was $200 more on ours when we got the quote. Now, he's 50/50 between both homes, so he has to list one address on his driver's license and insurance. She was ALL drama all year about it, cancelled it like 3 times. It was only $100 her part to contribute every month. That's maybe one haircut and a half for her a month. Then I got a new used car. Anyways, the payments on the caddy were $287 and $200 insurance, plus his insurance on his mom's policy. Well, I actually got rid of the Cadillac yesterday, so it's a clean slate, and I told him, let's pretend you're turning 16 years old again, and we can all start over with getting you into something. You can work, then can decide what they want you to drive, etc. For whatever reason, a free car to them, was clearly not a good deal. This part I didn't say to him, but I guess I'm a horrible person for providing my stepson a car to drive and working hard to make sure that happens. I get she doesn't have to like me, but if someone was providing my biological son a car to drive, that I didn't have to contribute to, because I'm always "broke", maybe that person's alright.

So when we sold the Cadillac yesterday, my stepson then called his grandfather (mother's side) and reminded him of their previous conversation when he was 15 years old how "papa" wanted to be able to get him into a mustang ,  when he turned 16. (uh, by the way, when he turned 16, everyone but my husband and I had alligator arms) So yeah, in their own way, the kids are learning how to advocate for themselves, by circumstance. We do not disparage her, she can do well enough on her own with her actions and decisions for her kids. I keep my fingers crossed that my stepdaughter gets to do whatever kids competition she wants to do, and my stepson gets access to a car - because we're damned if we do and damned if we don't, so it's now in his mom's and maternal grandfather's hands to figure it out what car if any they can contribute to. We'll contribute, but they've now forced a more equitable situation on the car, because of their desire to spend more energy getting out of something, than just sucking it up and doing it.

[worriedStepmom]

It's frustrating to be the responsible parents when you know the other parents refuse to even try to fill that role.

Your choices are pretty limited -
1) tell the kids no
2) pay 100% for the things that are important to you (even those mom is expected to contribute to) and provide 100% transportation (I used to pick SD up for her gymnastics classes on her mom's time until mom decided I was spending too much time with SD)
3) Take mom to court to get contempt orders since she isn't paying what she's mandated to pay

You describe a lot of awesome moments for teaching your stepkids about priorities and budgets and needs vs wants.  I hope you're all having those conversations - not pointed at their mom, necessarily, but in general.

You can't make her share your values, and the sooner you stop trying, the better for your own mental health.  My ex doesn't have mental health issues, and I wasted a lot of time fretting or angry because he wouldn't do X, Y, or Z.  Now I can accept that those things are not important to him, and he's never going to do them.  They're important to me, so I'm going to do them.

[Klera]

Hi Stpprnt,

Even though this response is a month past your post, I wanted to reach out. 

I'm a step parent to two kids as well, boy 13, girl 15 and can definitely relate to things you've mentioned about pwBPD (mom's behaviour, attitudes etc).   It's difficult for us emotionally when the values are not shared and that "she's not normal mom"... .I don't have bio kids myself - you don't have to, your natural maternal instincts kick in, which, for me is; protectiveness, nurturing, kids' needs are met and their wellbeing comes first.   After a decade, I'm still learning to curb my frustrations about their mother's priorities (herself comes first, what's in it for her... every time).   ie:  the acrylic nails on a 9 year old but has no money for her activities type of thing.  I know this very very well. 

As long as you're consistent, that the kids learn to understand your way of life in your house, meaning: everything you stand for, your values, rules, way of life in general etc, I believe that they will absorb it and it will eventually rub off on them (I call it:  'the normal house'.  It's great that they can have things, but at the same time 'things' are not a right to have, they are a privilege.  With our modern society of much and plenty, this is a difficult lesson and still is, even for us adults!  ... .as long as kids know your heart's in the right place, they are very resilient beings.  Communicate well, respectfully and as long as they feel safe and well cared for, I don't think you can lose.  Hold firm to your boundaries (practice makes perfect) and often will test your sanity but it's well worth it. 

Anyway, just hang in there, do the best you can and don't hesitate to reach out when you need to!

Cheers,
Klera

[kells76]

Welcome from another "stpprnt" 

You mentioned this incident a few posts up:

In some ways, I feel she opens up to me more than her mom probably. She told me last week that sometimes she feels like a dog to her mom.

I'm glad she is able to be open with you about these things. That's really important.

It reminds me of something another member posted a while ago. Apparently her daughter (not entirely out of the blue) asked her, "Mom, is Dad a psychopath?"

It would be tempting to go the route of "You're absolutely right, he is, and now that you know, let me tell you the truth about all the things he's done."

To this person's credit, she had a very wise response: "Why do you ask, honey?"

That's great validation. As soon as the pivot is made away from how a kid feels, and towards how the adults are feeling, it can feel really invalidating to the kid. This mom made the right call -- instead of taking the tempting opening to complain all about this girl's dad, she turned it right back to what was important -- how her daughter was feeling. Any kid who wonders whether their parent is a psychopath is in a hard place and needs a lot of validation and empathy.

So, as your stepkids continue to confide in you about these tough things their mom is doing, you have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate with your actions how you care about them. Validating how they're feeling and asking empathetic questions can help them get the focus and attention on them that they might not be getting at Mom's house.

Keep up the good work, and let us know if you'd like any specific tools or reference books. We can definitely help you out.