I admit it

[Mara2]

I read a quote here in the Think About It at the top of the page that made me think about it.  It said that people select partners who have the same level of emotional maturity they do. 

This hit home because after years of putting up with his behavior I tend to think that he is the problem and I have little problems, but not like that!  After all, I don't throw things, break things, hit things, or yell at people. 

So I had to think back and admit that yes, we were at the same level of emotional maturity when we met and married.  Yes, I was very co-dependant and needy.  No, I cannot blame everything on him, after all I did enable a lot of his behaviors. 

I never wanted to admit that before.

[laelle]

Its funny you said that Mara, I just read that same quote this morning, and I thought "oh my, its right."  I have heard tho that women mature faster, so im sure I have a few emotional years on him.    

[marbleloser]

We all enabled to some extent. One of the best things I read on these forums was this.

"We teach people how they should treat us."

[P.F.Change]

 

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. 

What do you want to do with this newfound insight?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Mara2]

"We teach people how they should treat us."

I'm going to start here.  I told his T I would be willing to come to some of his sessions if I don't have to go home with him afterward.  I will be setting new boundries and if he is willing to accept them he can eventually come home- after lots of work.  I am doing a lot of thinking about how I want to be treated and what I will and will not put up with. 

She also said something that greatly encouraged me.  I was so afraid they were going to kick him out of the house he is in and he would end up here as usual.  She told me I had great power in deciding whether or not he comes home.  She is right.  I have the power of choosing. 

[C12P21]

She is right.  I have the power of choosing.

Yes you do have the power. How does that feel for you to know that you have the power?

I remember feeling lost when I realized that ultimately the choices I made should be in my best interest, not the relationship... but what I really wanted, for me.

C

[Mara2]

I like it.  I do have to remind myself over and over that my choices should not be about making someone else happy so they will like me.  My choices should be about taking care of myself and my kids first.  It is a work in progress, but I like being in charge of me. 

[C12P21]

I like it.  I do have to remind myself over and over that my choices should not be about making someone else happy so they will like me.  My choices should be about taking care of myself and my kids first.  It is a work in progress, but I like being in charge of me. 

C

[Maryiscontrary]

You know, I learned from that video series that clearmind posted on this board that emotional maturity is just expressing empathy and compassion. It is knowing when to cut your losses and detaching.

Like installing a transmission and break system for your empathy. That is maturity.