Always Drama

[obliv326]

So, it seems there is always drama... .

For those of you unfamiliar with my story, the fl;dr version is that I had a relationship with someone I suspect has BPD. It was the usual mix of painful ups and downs until March, when we had a nasty breakup after I gave her an ultimatum. We had patched things a little bit when she got angry at a friend of mine, and decided I was her problem and decided she needed "space"... .

Months later, she reached out, and we've been in sporadic contact since then. We seemed to be making some headway, as she had seemed to listen and respect my boundaries

In the meantime, I've been seeing other people, and I believe she saw some mention of it on social media. The day after it sort of became public, she posted some vaguely sad message on social media, and has been very distant. She hasn't responded to my last couple text messages.

She has also dove head first into pretty destructive behavior. She has jumped deeply into the kink world, where she gets a lot of validation, albeit not particularly healthy validation. I also know she is going to a kink conference thing with a guy she knew when we first started talking who is a real creep. Everything he has done has been an attempt to get into her pants, and if she lets that happen I don't believe I can have any warm feelings for her again, esp after she has often acted like I am the creepy stalker even though I genuinely care and want to get to know her.

The other person I am seeing isn't that serious, and I guess it's possible she doesn't know, but the timing and her reaction seem strange.

I've texted her a couple times in the last couple weeks and gotten no answer. I'm assuming she's upset and avoiding me, which she does.

Is there any point in asking her if something is wrong? The chance of me getting a straight answer is pretty slim, but if nothing else it gives me a chance to not overreact the emotionally. Or do I just wait?

It would be nice if I could stop the thing with the guy from happening, but she'll donwhat she wants.

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[Mutt]

Hi obliv326,



A pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem, self loath and hav chronic feelings of shame. I'm not saying this with 100% certainty, there's always a 2% margin for error but maybe she's ashamed of the kink community and that's why she has not responded? I can see how hard that would be when we have feelings for someone and they're going down a path that is not their normal behavior. I think I would give her her space, I have a feeling that if you text her it may drive her further away.

[obliv326]

Hey

Thanks for the response. I don't think she's not responding bc of the kink thing. She knows that I know she has been involved, and we don't really talk about that a lot. She had stepped away from it for awhile.

My experience with her has been that when she gets upset, her first reaction is to kind of go away and hide for a while, and then come out and get whatever validation she can. This often involves buying sexy stuff... .toys, lingerie, etc, which she really can't afford, and getting overly involved in the kink community, to the extent that everything else suffers. She gets lots of validation there bc, well, people like to encourage other people when they know they might get naked. My concern there is that, while it isn't really valuable validation, it is nonetheless easy to get and she might just convince herself that it is what she needs. I know that kink is fine for most people, but I think she's using it almost like an addict uses a drug.

Regardless, it seems like I have been split black. Things did seem to be going really well. I sensed her making an effort. And then the day after this other relationship goes public, she posted something on her profile, and she seemed to have entered her pattern. We've been getting along really well so that's all I can imagine that might have caused her to start acting differently.

I did send her a text today that asked if she was mad at me, and it seems like I'm being avoided. I'm not contacting her again until she replies.