Apology letter BIG MISTAKE. (Valerie porr's acceptance acknowledgment letter)

[Shockandawe]

I finished reading Valerie porr's Overcoming BPD book. I decided to validate all my 16 yr olds hurt feelings and loneliness etc over the years and say how painful it must have felt for her dad and I to have not shown her the compassion she was needing.  Since I gave that letter her behavior has been off the charts bad!  Daily verbal attacks.  Lots of leave me the hell alone, I hate you, you are an f ing weirdo etc etc    Tonight it culminated in a convo that started after a request for her teeth to be whitened. We said we won't pay for that. She has cash from her birthday and do we told her we would by the items online if she gave us the cash.  Her dad said "ok are you ready to make the purchase?"  She responded "you just want my money!"  To which my husband laughed and said "no, I think it's you who need my money first ". This made her ruder and angrier but we explained that because we are fronting the money for her it's an even exchange... .No one is trying to TAKE something from her unfairly!  More rude comments ensued... .  So her dad said "ok so if you are going to be rude then I'll just let you handle it on your own". I told her that I understand that she doesn't like to feel like she needs people. That she likes to be independent but that when you do in fact need people it helps to be kind and respectful to them or else they won't likely continue to help you.  She told me to shut up and stop talking to her. Etc etc etc. I said you know I do not deserve to be talked to like this. I am not your enemy.  To which she said "you do deserve it!  You said do in your letter!"  I was shocked!  She went on to explain how she interpreted my letter as a complete and total mea culpa!  She is now using it against me like PROOF that everything is in fact all my fault!   I want to tip Mrs porr off right now because I was not prepared for it to make matters WORSE!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[8daysAweek]

I am recommending that you ask your d16 to sit down and talk (in a time of calm) about why you wrote the letter and that you are recognizing the mistakes you made and that you weren't a perfect mom and you are currently doing your best to be compassionate and understanding towards her by learning how meet her needs and understand what they are.

[Lollypop]

Hi shockandaw

It took us a really long time to understand that the way our BPDs25 thinks about money is entirely different to ours. We spent years trying to explain and justify why he should give/pay/repay for perfectly reasonable exchanges/purchases. When in fact the root of the problem was that he doesn't want to part with that money.

Handing over cash = complex emotions = erratic thoughts = erratic behaviour

This is a scenario a few years ago, pre diagnosis.  I realise this is a bigger deal than your daughter wanting whitener but it really wouldn't matter to my BPDs if we were talking about a New pair of shoes or paying for a flight.  we think it works like this in his mind

Bpds has no bank account, in debt to bank on seized account

We are "encouraging" BPDs to learn to drive.

He wants to learn to drive but is scared

We pay for lessons. He's doing great

He knows he needs to pass the theory test but is scared

He needs to pay  £40 for theory test but online

We pay online and ask for the cash

It is at this very point everything changes. Bpds doesn't want to part with the money. That then is: He feels forced to part with the money. That then is: he feels that we are taking that money from him. That then is: He feels that this is so unfair as its his money and he verbally resists. I think he's wondering why I'm not paying because that'd be so much easier for him, substantiated by the fact I pay for most things. That then is: BPDs is confused as to why are we are doing this to him. I think there's a LOT more going on his mind at this stage. That then is: we are making him do this test. That then is: what's the point? I'm going to fail any way. " I don't want to drive."

We are left bemused: may be he just doesn't want to drive? If he wanted to drive then he'd pay right?

If BPDs hands over the money he's left feeling very resentful, scared at the theory test, fear of failure. He's got NOTHING immediate in his hand to show for the loss of the money. He can't see forward to future gratification.

If he doesn't hand over the money he feels sad because he knows he won't do his theory test and he wants to drive, he knows we're disappointed, he feels he's failed... .nobody understands me... .he runs out if the house

I've no idea if this is helpful or even relevant to your daughter. But I hope you can take something from it. I haven't added the addition of "if they loved me" in this scenario but I think it's definitely in there too. It's all so complex but I'm finding out that I don't need to be drawn into the drama. I can distance myself and avoid leaving him to resolve the problem himself. I'm not there yet but getting so much better

The consequence of all of this was we just found it easier to pay. Stupid is as stupid does.

How would have all of the above situation he better resolved?

We be patient, let him sort out his bank.  Him pay for himself online when he had the money. Simple!

What happened next? He passed, we bought him a truck, paid for insurance and car tax, he totalled it. The consequences of our own behaviour!  

Good luck, you'll find a way forward I'm sure

L

[Slipping]

Hi Shockandawe,

Wow, I'm so sorry.  I know how hard it is to pour your heart into trying to make things better for your child, only to find that it actually made things worse.  Been there so many times and just have to keep picking myself up to try again another day.

My BPDd29 is undiagnosed, but has had BPD symptoms since early childhood.  I learned about BPD only about a year ago, which was fortunate b/c I was at the end of my rope.  My daughter would not see a counselor, so I went to a DBT therapist for myself.  I thought that first of all, he could give me insight into the disorder and my daughter's behavior and maybe give me skills to cope with her rages.  Not long into the therapy, I realized how I had been invalidating to her all of her life.  My natural impulse was to run to her and apologize, but my therapist very strongly cautioned against doing so.  He said that merely reading the letter would make her relive all of the painful emotions from her memories that would be triggered by the apology, and he thought it would not end well.  I know he was right, b/c now that I know what I'm seeing, I realize how the slightest mention or allusion to a bad experience can cause her to become dysregulated and begin to scream at me. 

And in reference to your daughter using your letter against you, I totally get that too.  I try not share anything at all about myself anymore b/c I know it will be taken out of context and hurled at me in the future. 

I remember another post here, months ago, where some of the other parents wrote of having great success with a letter like yours.  I was surprised, b/c I know it would not have worked for me.  What has been better for us is ever-so-slowly building up trust by validating her current emotions.  Sometimes we can have a conversation without it ending with her screaming or throwing something at me.  It's been a very gradual process, but I believe she is finally feeling heard and our relationship is improving bit by bit.  It's true that BPD can look so different from one person to the next, so maybe it shouldn't be surprising that what works for one family won't work for another. 

I have the Porr book, but I have only skimmed through it, so I can't speak to that specifically.  I hope hearing about my experience will help you in some way.  How are you responding when she says that you have admitted everything is your fault? 

[bpdmom1]

Thank for sharing.

This all very interesting.  My daughter has issues with money also.  It is very confusing to me.  She says she feels guilty for us spending money on her, but they constantly asks for us to buy her things.   

She plans to check herself out of the RTC now that she is 18 partly to save us from spending our money. 

For my daughter a lot is having control.  She doesn't want to be parented or told anything.  When she ran away and I tried really hard to validate and understand her feelings she respond by lashing out big time and told me how awful I am.

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDmom

I'm really interested in the term you used "she doesn't want to be parented". What do you think she doesn't like specifically?

I can see we had our BPDs25 on too slack a leash but would then try and pull too hard. We were very inconsistent.

how long has your daughter been in RTC and has she improved?

L

[bpdmom1]

Hi Lollypop,

"She doesn't want to be parented" in that anytime we try to put in even little rules she pushes.  The more we stand by these rules she escalates.  For example, rule not to wear makeup ended up with her stealing makeup from relatives, stores etc.  Then she would escalate further from not wearing her school uniform to inappropriate texting etc. etc.  This makeup issue went on for a year while in Jr. High until a therapist stated we should let her wear makeup.  We would have allowed her to earn the privilege, but instead she escalates.  We found it very difficult to hold our boundaries, be consistent or parent her due to her escalating.  I could give you other examples besides makeup.

She has been at the RTC since last August.  Overall she has improved.  She is still trying to push for control and recently decided to check herself out (in a few months - we are working on guardianship) and reverted back to some of the old behaviors she had in the beginning such as leaving group sessions and not complying with rules.  Her issues are very deep and appears she was either born with them or developed due to being in an orphanage her first year of life and a serious injury later on hasn't helped any. 

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDmom1

Thanks for explaining. I have two sons so them developing and making their own decisions is more male related. It's hard enough dealing with normal adolescence, throwing BPD into the mix really complicates everything. I really struggled (pre diagnosis) to pick my battles, nothing ever worked. Bpds absolutely hated anything authoritarian and our behaviours and expectations were too soft or too hard.

I had somebody once say to me "just enjoy him, he'll be gone before you know it".  Enjoy? I honestly couldn't think of one good thing about him.  I was so negative.

I'm trying hard to build up a relationship, he feels safe at the moment and things have very much improved.,I'm not saying it's all happy families with shared interests because it's not, but it's relaxed. We've got some trust growing and better understanding of his needs. I admit our situation is a lot different as he's 25 and this actually makes things a bit easier because there's no doubt, he should be responsible for himself and making his own decisions.

Is your daughter your eldest child and how long has she been in the rtc?

[bpdmom1]

Lollypop,

I have 5 children (2 step) didn't live with, one bio and two adopted.  Our BPD d is the youngest.  We've had issues with the oldest, but he lived with his mother. 

She has been in the RTC since August.  I see a lot of wonderful qualities in her and feel terrible that she can't regulate herself well enough to show how amazing she can be. She has such a wonderful personality when she is doing well.