I can feel the fight response kicking in and I want to talk this out

[foodlover]

I am fuming. About to explode. I can feel the fight response kicking in and I want to talk this out before exploding. Maybe you guys can help me.

She texted me asking how everything was going at work and I was loving in my response. She later went on to tell me that she needed to get her car serviced and didn't know what to do. I told her how to make an appointment but she acted like it was such a HUGE deal and really upset about it. So I told her I would do it. I went ahead and called them and talked about her problem and made an appointment.

So in my head I am thinking I did something good. I took time form work to help her because she is important to me. How did she react? So badly. She said, How can you have time to do that? You are working? Are you really working? What are you doing? Why did you do that if your busy? I feel weird that you say you are busy at work but can just take time to make calls.

I started to argue with her about how I did it to show love and care for her. She just argued back that I have too much free time and I always tell her I am working hard but now she doesn't know if I really am working hard.

AHHHHHHHH!

Someone shoot me.

I later said, "do you not appreciate what I did?" and she said "I just don't get how you have all this free time now". She is short and kinda snippy in her responses. Now If I get upset she will just blame our arguing on me.

[BowlOfPetunias]

The answer is obvious:

Any free time you have at work should be spent talking to her on the phone or texting her.  If you have free time, why aren't you focusing it on HER?

Also, even if you don't have free time, you should still be talking to her.

[foodlover]

The answer is obvious:

Any free time you have at work should be spent talking to her on the phone or texting her.  If you have free time, why aren't you focusing it on HER?

Also, even if you don't have free time, you should still be talking to her.

I don't have all this free time. I took time to help her. I did something for her that she was too scared to do. Instead of saying thank you it upsets her. I feel like she thinks I don't do anything all day and just have time to hook up or hang out with all these women she has in her head.

[Skip]

The answer is obvious: Any free time you have at work should be spent talking to her... .

A little cynical... . 

She was off from the start. That is your clue. When someone is off saying or doing things doesn't always make them upright.

She certainly knows how to make appointment, that was not what was bothering her. It could be a lot of things - she could feel bloated, she could be mad at your for forgetting the it was National Brandied Fruit Day (it is by the way - see you forgot), she could be mad that she destroyed a $10 bill in the washer.

I started to argue with her about how I did it to show love and care for her. She just argued back

This is JADE. We never win at JADE. The minute you start telling someone how nice are to them, they make take it to mean, they are not that nice to you, or you're condescending, or... .

I think the best way to handle situations like this is to open the door for her to tell you what she is mad about. If she doesn't take it, drop it. If she want's to talk, she will tell you what's up. If she doesn't want to talk, she will most likely remember that you offered and appreciate it later.

We all get caught in this trap. Takes skill to respect the other persons space and still be there for them.

It was very nice that you took the time to help her. Most likely she would have eventually seen that and appreciated it - even if she doesn't say.

This is a common husband wife conflict. See it more often in pwBPD.

[BowlOfPetunias]

You know that you don't have free time.  The problem, however, is that her insecurities won't allow her to stop obsessing about how you must want to cheat on her and therefore you must be cheating on her in your free time.  Her insecurities are not dependent on what you do.  They are part of BPD that she has to learn to manage.  You need to find a way to set boundaries.

Admittedly, I did not do a good job of this early in my marriage.  My wife did not complain about cheating, but she did constantly interrupted  me with several calls spaced out every few minutes.  It made it impossible for me to work on my dissertation--which I believe is was the object of her jealousy.  How could my dissertation be more important than her?  (Even though finishing my dissertation would mean I could get a better-paying job and we would both be better off.)  She also exploded one time, for example, when I brought my shoulder bag along on a trip to the synagogue.  What, I might try to work if I had some down time?  How could I?  Also, my time was apparently better spent running errands for her.

[Grey Kitty]

The answer is obvious: Any free time you have at work should be spent talking to her... .

A little cynical... . 

Yes... .and there is a truth underneath that. She had difficult feelings she didn't want to experience, and her way of coping with those feelings at that time was to blame you and take it out on you.

When she's in that mood, if you try to "prove" that her reason for being angry at you is wrong, it is like playing whack-a-mole, but worse. A new one will pop up, just like that game, with the "bonus" that she will be more upset at you... .

Try not to take it so personally--it isn't really about you, and (eventually) that mood will pass.

[formflier]

She texted me asking how everything was going at work and I was loving in my response. She later went on to tell me that she needed to get her car serviced and didn't know what to do. 

Was this all done via text? 

My r/s has gotten tons better by moving "feeling" off of text.  Took a while to get that accomplished.  Like... .over a year while.

Do you normally handle car servicing?  I do that in my family and train kids to help me and eventually do it themselves. 

I'm assuming this was unusual request.   Can you clarify?


OK... .trying to be "loving" via text is perhaps something you want to avoid.  Try to stay neutral to "slightly positive". 

You CAN and SHOULD express that you are there for her... .or when you will be available for her to be supportive and empathetic.

If work interruptions are common... .then perhaps best to move more towards NC during work... .or LC.

"Hey babe... .I'm about to duck into a meeting.  Will check in with you at 5pm before I start home"  or something like that.

Do that for month or two and then slowly respond less and less. 

For me, my wife and I were in family therapy when the T came down pretty hard on her.  She was not to "stop by" my work or contact me unless it was a genuine emergency.  Those were covered with examples of real emergencies.

My work life got much better after that.  Honestly she seemed better as well.

FF

[PFCI]

It's really hard, but the thing to learn is to not take this personally.  It's not about you, or what you did or didn't do, but about her and how she feels. 

BPD wife maybe felt bad that you took time out of work to help her.  But she doesn't know how to handle those feelings, so they get reflected onto you.  My wife does this to me all the time.  The other day she (accidentally) really hurt my injured toe whilst bandaging it, and she felt bad about that, but it came out as anger against me, as my reaction made her feel bad.

It's hard to not take the insults etc personally.   But it's all about her, not you.  And, as others have sadi, don't react, don't JADE.  You can only lose in that situation.  And often, if they see you react to a certain kind of attack, they'll keep pushing the same button to get the same reaction. 

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey food lover, Why are you doing something for someone else when she is perfectly capable of doing it for herself?  It's unhealthy for you and her, in my view.  Of course you were trying to be helpful, but think about how you were setting yourself up for this letdown.  Suggest you let her solve her own problems in the future.  Try not to take responsibility for her problems, is my suggestion.  It might be different if she had asked for you to do it.

I did the exact same thing in my marriage to my BPDxW, yet now I view my behavior as codependent and unhealthy.

Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[foodlover]

Hey food lover, Why are you doing something for someone else when she is perfectly capable of doing it for herself?  It's unhealthy for you and her, in my view.  Of course you were trying to be helpful, but think about how you were setting yourself up for this letdown.  Suggest you let her solve her own problems in the future.  Try not to take responsibility for her problems, is my suggestion.  It might be different if she had asked for you to do it.

I did the exact same thing in my marriage to my BPDxW, yet now I view my behavior as codependent and unhealthy.

Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

In the past I have tried this. I gave up trying to help her but things got worse. She said I didn't care, didn't love her and wasn't being the man in the relationship. She wants the man to take care of man stuff like the car.

[Skip]

You may want to read Gottmans 4 horsemen article. He is a scholar that has predicted divorce in 88% accuracy based on the concepts in this article.

When relationships breakdown to the point the point that we are ruled by resentment (anticipating an bad outcome and withdrawing) or stat stonewalling (shutting down) the failure if the marriage is only a matter of time. However justified your feelings may be, resentment and stonewalling are precursors to divorce.

Some of the advice your getting is to resent and stonewall - well intended - but not effective.

Cycle of conflict have two side spinning the wheel - you can't stop her from spinning it, but you can stop yourself.

1. Making the car appointment was a very loving gesture. You know it. Feel good in it. Be self confident enough that you don't have to be rewarded and validated. You're not handicapped one.

2. Do nice things like this, they are good for your marriage.

3. Learn how to defuse or constructively and emotionally exit her drama. She has to have it - its hardwired. Learn to duck and weave like Mohammad Ali. Get out with her even know you are ducking a weaving. Then go celebrate with a beer.

Please read the article. You can search Gottman in the google box on the main page.

[formflier]

Absolutely correct that walking away (close cousin to stonewalling) is not a good long term strategy. 

Sometimes its good to dramatically change to "prove to yourself" that you don't have to stay and listen... .or be at her beck and call.

Once I built my confidence that I can leave when I needed to, that gave me confidence to be more empathetic to stay and listen to more hard emotions coming out (in their various forms) and not be "reactive" to those.

I think my wife is now "getting it" that I am more available to talk, that I will leave a conversation when I need to... .and... .most importantly... .that I will come back.

Just a week ago she was asking me if I thought she was "overcommitted".  I gave her some initial impressions, promised her I would think deeply about it and get back to her in a day or two.  Which I did.

A couple years ago "the schedule" would have us all twisted up in knots.  Now, it's still a challenge, but a manageable one.

FF