"Friended" by the Ex and now Death Silence

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

   Just out of pure curiosity... .how many of you has had an ex BPD come back to you after tossing out pictures of you (practically erasing you) and blocking you on FB etc? My ex recently did this. Every time she has left (5xs this year) she has dumped me quickly and with much anger. If I contacted her she would rage, but would eventually contact me via phone, like nothing happened.

This time she was cold for a few days and actually came to my house to break up with me.  She told me she wanted to be friends and that my friendship was irreplacable. I resisted that (because darn it, I love the woman) and it is to the point she blocked me off everything and wants nothing to do with me now. She said if I kept contacting her she would change her number (I stopped and I know for a fact it is in service).

One of our mutual friends was at her house this week and says the ring I gave her was on the table by her bed and all my gifts are still around her place including some mosaic tiles we made in a class a few weeks ago.  She does have my pj's in a box on the table to ship back to me, but my friend says they have been sitting there since last Friday (we broke up last Weds). She threw out all our pictures and notes I would leave her around the house (she had them in a frame she has since tossed out) but she still has a love card I sent her (the first one).

Her place is a disaster zone as if she is in a bad state of depression. My friend was shocked.

Our last break in June she thretened me with a restraining order for trying to get some closure out of this situation. She had blown up at me, ended us and ran to Minnesota to try to rekindle a relationship with her ex, "The one that got away". Seven days later on her drive home she called me incessently and we got back together. My trust sure was shaken and my friends thought I was nuts for taking her back.

This time her break up was very methodical. She said we were best friends but we were very different and would be best with other people.

Has anyone had an ex show back up from that? I am a little relieved but at the same time I know everytime I thought it was over it wasn't. I have no idea what to expect. Anyone have someone come back from friending and splitting you black? Thanks!

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All,

   Just out of pure curiosity... .how many of you has had an ex BPD come back to you after tossing out pictures of you (practically erasing you) and blocking you on FB etc? My ex recently did this. Every time she has left (5xs this year) she has dumped me quickly and with much anger. If I contacted her she would rage, but would eventually contact me via phone, like nothing happened.

This time she was cold for a few days and actually came to my house to break up with me.  She told me she wanted to be friends and that my friendship was irreplacable. I resisted that (because darn it, I love the woman) and it is to the point she blocked me off everything and wants nothing to do with me now. She said if I kept contacting her she would change her number (I stopped and I know for a fact it is in service).

One of our mutual friends was at her house this week and says the ring I gave her was on the table by her bed and all my gifts are still around her place including some mosaic tiles we made in a class a few weeks ago.  She does have my pj's in a box on the table to ship back to me, but my friend says they have been sitting there since last Friday (we broke up last Weds). She threw out all our pictures and notes I would leave her around the house (she had them in a frame she has since tossed out) but she still has a love card I sent her (the first one).

Her place is a disaster zone as if she is in a bad state of depression. My friend was shocked.

Our last break in June she thretened me with a restraining order for trying to get some closure out of this situation. She had blown up at me, ended us and ran to Minnesota to try to rekindle a relationship with her ex, "The one that got away". Seven days later on her drive home she called me incessently and we got back together. My trust sure was shaken and my friends thought I was nuts for taking her back.

This time her break up was very methodical. She said we were best friends but we were very different and would be best with other people.

Has anyone had an ex show back up from that? I am a little relieved but at the same time I know everytime I thought it was over it wasn't. I have no idea what to expect. Anyone have someone come back from friending and splitting you black? Thanks!

[fiddlestix]

Wow! Five breakups this year.  You sound like a sucker for punishment... .just like me.  My ex left a couple times, came back, couldn't behave, left again... .recycled me after a year apart... .vanished with her new guy... .now would like to be my buddy. She said I am her "best friend."

Phooey!

What friend treats another human being the way she treated me?  Earth Angel, we don't need this crap.  We have/had strong emotions and love for our exes.  But they are just not equipped to be with us in a healthy way. They have proven it over and over. It is a very bitter pill to swallow... .but we must move on.  They are tragically toxic and greatly to be pitied.  My heart aches for all of us :-( 

Fiddlestix

[strikeforce]

The third and final time me and my BPDex split which is now over a month ago, she told me never to contact her again. About a week later she was texting wanting to be best friends. Its complete crap. Everyone she knew she called her 'best friend'.

They treat you like crap in the relationship and then again as 'friends'.

What a nightmare. I am so glad that I am out after just one year.

[ShadowDancer]

Continually I am amazed and horrified at our stories. What, and I mean WHAT! about this story and this woman commands your "love"? She ran off to another state to chase down another man and you take her back with her tail between her legs without so much as a rational social contract between you.

I admit I went through a three month period of intense anger and dissonance but once I realized what this person is ALL ABOUT I took IMMEDIATE proactive self preserving actions after that person called asking for a substantial favor. My reply other than we are NOT now nor will we EVER be friends I won't repeat here, but my one outraged telephone response to this person when she called with her request I can assure you was not nice nor was it civil.  

The very first thing I did after was I IMMEDIATELY changed all avenues of communication and I do mean ALL. Mail, e-mail, telephone, place of residence, and most important was I shut down all social media, especially Facebook which I consider as juvenile. It continually is presented on this board as a persistent problem for us and as a weapon and tool of manipulation of the disordered. Real "Friends" are not created by pushing the enter button.  

Some communication avenues had to be changed several times due to this persons persistence and stealth.

I realized I was not going to get closure from that person. That person is not capable. I don't want that nightmare back.

But then again in my case that was all after that person and her "ex" robbed my home.

[EdR]

The third and final time me and my BPDex split which is now over a month ago, she told me never to contact her again. About a week later she was texting wanting to be best friends. Its complete crap. Everyone she knew she called her 'best friend'.

They treat you like crap in the relationship and then again as 'friends'.

What a nightmare. I am so glad that I am out after just one year.

The truth is in bold. You never know the reason for her Silent Treatment. Could even be the following: she wanted to remain friends, but she noticed her feelings are more profound than that -> ultra-trigger -> Silent Treatment

You'll still be treated as crap, regardless of the nature of the feelings they have for you. It seems the way they are wired.  :'(

[strikeforce]

Take last night for example.

She text me around 9PM while she was at her work asking how I was and if we could chat.

I didn't not reply because I knew that 'the chat' would be 2 texts and then she would go silent until the next time she decided to text.

My BPDex cant seem to leave me alone. Maybe due to the fact that her previous relationships lasted as long as a week and that I stayed for a year.

I would just love to understand why she needs to contact me. That would help me beyond words.

[KE151]

Earth angel, your frustration is soo clear. You must be suffering like hell. You're trying to understand a person who is disordered and whose behavior cannot be rationalized. It's difficult to accept but you, just like all of us are not unique to them. Her problems started many years ago in childhood and she has been living like this for a long time and is NEVER likely to stop. There are and will be others after you. Paradoxically, if you think it is important to have been somehow special to her, you need to leave her for good and never look back. Go NC, block everything and start working on yourself. She cannot be rescued.

[ShadowDancer]

The third and final time me and my BPDex split which is now over a month ago, she told me never to contact her again. About a week later she was texting wanting to be best friends. Its complete crap. Everyone she knew she called her 'best friend'.

They treat you like crap in the relationship and then again as 'friends'.

What a nightmare. I am so glad that I am out after just one year.

The truth is in bold. You never know the reason for her Silent Treatment. Could even be the following: she wanted to remain friends, but she noticed her feelings are more profound than that -> ultra-trigger -> Silent Treatment

You'll still be treated as crap, regardless of the nature of the feelings they have for you. It seems the way they are wired.  :'(

Or they are boffing someone else.

[EdR]

Take last night for example.

She text me around 9PM while she was at her work asking how I was and if we could chat.

I didn't not reply because I knew that 'the chat' would be 2 texts and then she would go silent until the next time she decided to text.

My BPDex cant seem to leave me alone. Maybe due to the fact that her previous relationships lasted as long as a week and that I stayed for a year.

I would just love to understand why she needs to contact me. That would help me beyond words.

My opinion? I think the reasons for contacting/coming back is a different subject than the entire Silent Treatment thing.

I think you should try and think why someone would like to contact another. And then magnify that for a pwBPD.

Reasons for anyone:

- you like (or even love) that person

- you want something specific from that person

- if they reply you maybe have a tiny feeling of being happy/acknowledged/confirmation of being friends etc.

I think if you'd magnify that for a pwBPD you'll end up with something like this:

-She likes/loves you, or

-She needs you to do something specific for her (doesn't seem to apply here, but idk for sure)

-She wants to feel acknowledged and happy, she wants a confirmation of her existence. She's like chasing her next high. So if you have replied, that 'high' has been achieved and she can cut off the conversation. She already feels happy. No need to risk sudden changes to that feeling by continuing the conversation.

I feel it's a combi of 1 and 3 ;-)

[strikeforce]

Take last night for example.

She text me around 9PM while she was at her work asking how I was and if we could chat.

I didn't not reply because I knew that 'the chat' would be 2 texts and then she would go silent until the next time she decided to text.

My BPDex cant seem to leave me alone. Maybe due to the fact that her previous relationships lasted as long as a week and that I stayed for a year.

I would just love to understand why she needs to contact me. That would help me beyond words.

My opinion? I think the reasons for contacting/coming back is a different subject than the entire Silent Treatment thing.

I think you should try and think why someone would like to contact another. And then magnify that for a pwBPD.

Reasons for anyone:

- you like (or even love) that person

- you want something specific from that person

- if they reply you maybe have a tiny feeling of being happy/acknowledged/confirmation of being friends etc.

I think if you'd magnify that for a pwBPD you'll end up with something like this:

-She likes/loves you, or

-She needs you to do something specific for her (doesn't seem to apply here, but idk for sure)

-She wants to feel acknowledged and happy, she wants a confirmation of her existence. She's like chasing her next high. So if you have replied, that 'high' has been achieved and she can cut off the conversation. She already feels happy. No need to risk sudden changes to that feeling by continuing the conversation.

I feel it's a combi of 1 and 3 ;-)

Yeah I think your spot on.

As soon as she has her fix she disappears until the next time.

[mitchell16]

this year alone with mine it was 6 breaks up that I can remember, each time she would reach out for me and I fell for it. But this times its been 4 months. She did attempt some contact in the first few months but I havent heard anything in about 2 or 3 weeks. My birthday came and went without a sound. The only thing was she had a picture of us on a social media and the day of my birthday she decided to remove it. BUt who cares. Ive reached a point of I really could care less.

it my opionion being friends with them is impossible. The last time she texted me she compliment how good I looked, I thanked her. I said something polite back. She asked me was I complimenting her, I told her no. I was just making a statement. I havent heard a word from her since. In other words she wanted me to stroker her ego, pine over her, tell her how good she was looking, and how much I missed her and then she would be off with her fix. I didnt bite. Nor will I ever again. She has got her last fix from me.

Its does get better, when you get rid of them from your life. when they keep you up in the mix you cnat heal and move on. In the past we would go about 3 or 4 weeks and she would reach out, I repsond, cycle start over and over. same thing this time only diffrence she tried and I resisted and it has pretty much stopped.

[Juno]

This is the reason that made me join this site. I've been searching for this answer for about a year. My ex was/is a high functioning BPD. She retired two yeas ago as the head of the Science Dept of a local high school. She is now an adjunct professor at a major university. I was her former student when our relationship began. Nothing happen while I was enrolled in the high school, but within weeks after graduating we began a very toxic relationship. I was 18 and used very poor judgment. She was married and told me at the time she was only 28. (I just found out this past year that she was actually 34) I won't bore everyone with all the details. I've posted enough about all the letters and msg's she sent me during the two years we together.

I went 26 years without contact with this woman. She still taught at the local high school and still remained married to her husband during those years. Last November she sent me a fb friend request. I thought that was really strange. I couldn't understand how she would think I would accept that. I've been married for 19 years. My wife knows about this woman. It would be extremely awkward explaining why I accepted her friend request. The next few days I received a fb private msg from this woman telling me all about her life. She tells me about retiring from the high school and her new position as a professor with the university. She goes on to tell me how happy she is with her husband, and brags about her two kids who are grown up. At the very end of the msg she informs me that MY SON is now in his first year of medical school. Then she just routinely signs off like this is just everyday news?

This caused me to really hit the skids. I have been going to therapy since last November. Its opened so many wounds that I really wanted to block out. Its caused a strain in my own marriage. I have spent countless hours doing background checks with public records and I have hired an attorney. My intro explains everything in more detail and I'll save everyone all the details.

After the initial shock and with the help of therapy I'm trying to come to terms with this. My therapist has told me she's trying to establish some type of communication. Its all about getting me to meet her somewhere. His take on it, is its nothing more than shes bored and wants to see if we could hook up. He told me most likely she's lying about the child. I followed his advice and did not contact her. Then in February of this year she sent me another friend request. I ignored that one as well. Then in March of this year she sent me a letter to my work that was delivered to my company mailbox. In the letter she just slams me to no end. She goes on and on how I abandoned her 26 years ago. She goes on to compare me to her husband and how much of a loser I am. Then she says I don't deserve to know anything about my son because I wasn't there for her. She goes on to explain that the friend requests and msg was her way of trying to destroy my marriage.

I find myself reliving the past year over and over trying to make any sense of this. As the month of November wears on I find myself cringing every time I log onto fb or go to my company mailbox. I keep expecting her to pop back up.