Contact yesterday

[spaceace]

I am really struggling and reading everything I can on this board today. I contacted my wife because she posted some property of mine on Craigslist and I wanted her to remove it and not to post my property for sale.

We went back and forth and it ended with her telling me she will be filling a restraining order today. I am not too worried about that.

What I am worried about it, I feel stuck. That is why I am all over the boards today looking for tools.

I do not feel like I am truly detaching and I know that is not only what I want, but I desperately need. There is no hope for reconciliation. I am fully aware of that. But why even after doing something as selfish and cruel as posting my property on Craigslist do I have some sort of emotion, (which I cannot fully understand at the moment) other than anger and wanting to feel like this person is just a bad person for me? Why do I feel empathy that maybe she needs money. I should help? She had asked me last week for money. So, maybe I should help her.

The problem is, I don't want to help her. I am of the mindset she needs to take responsibility for her actions. But I know even though she went NC on me, she blames me for not being there and her plight really is because of me.

This is some seriously twisted thinking that I am struggling with. If I am to be honest with myself, this is what is emotionally happening and I am exhausted, and I mean exhausted going in circles in my head.

I just want to be free from this. Just having a rough day, and I am tired of having rough days... Before I met this woman, I cannot recall EVER feeling anything like this. And it angers me that I am not breaking away and not looking back. It's 2 months already and what do I honestly believe can happen? She is gone. I need to let it go. I need to be gentle with myself and I am having the hardest time cutting myself slack. I am just here feeling lousy.

[bpdspell]

Hey Space Ace,

It's ok to accept that sadness of it all.  :'( :'( No one get's married with the intention of separating, parting ways, or getting a divorce and that's without BPD being involved. Accepting that our hopes and dreams of everlasting love have been crushed by the toxic dance of BPD will lead to feelings of devastation. Try not to beat up on yourself or be too hard on yourself. The sad feelings are hard to work through but there is healing on the other side.

Are you in therapy?

It sounds like you're in crisis mode and could really use the neutrality of a someone who can simply listen. By the time the reality of these relationships hit us we have a lot of emotional unloading to do. In the meantime do your best to take of you because it's too easy to get caught up in the emotional cyclone of rumination. Be proactive: Take walks, go running, stay hydrated, there's also groups you can join: www.nami.org, CoDepedent's Anonymous... .  www.coda.org... .  the point is... .  you have an abundance of healthy choices... .  

My ex was with someone else within the blink of an eye. Of course he already had her lined up as he was devaluating m. It hurt so bad to feel so used and discarded. If I could have bought his love to get him back I would have certainly tried but there's always a small part of us that knows that money and material things cannot win someone's affection. My ex was pathologically entitled and demanding of my earnings and pretty much acted out when I couldn't support his every whim and material need. Their love is very CONDITIONAL because of their mental illness. In their minds you don't love them unless you catering to their every wish & desire. It's all about them and filling up their bottomless pit of need until we rescue ourselves. I share this to tell you that it isn't your job to take care of her greed or entitlement. Material things will never give her the peace that she needs to fix her brokenness.

Please take care of you... .  

Spell

[Rose Tiger]

  Our heads comprehend a lot sooner than our hearts.  Think about when one of your kiddos let's you down, you still love and care about them.  Sort of the same thing, you can be angry with a person and still love and care about them.

The grieving process starts with feeling shocked, denial and then bargaining.  You might be feeling some of this today.  Bargaining is where we think of wonderful solutions that really aren't that wonderful.

Are you going to get some police assistance and get your stuff back?  That could be job one on the priority list.

[spaceace]

Thanks for the kind words BPDSpell. I appreciate it. Yes, I have a therapist. I have not seen her since the beginning of December. I called her today and I am waiting on a call back. I really felt like I could or should be able to just bounce back from this. I'm a guy... .  LOL...    I can do anything!

But this ain't easy... .  

And it's not like anything I have ever felt before. I don't know if it's because I just turned 48 and here I am getting ANOTHER divorce? This is my second marriage. I went into this full force and refused to fail at any cost. I think that was used against me! She knew this about me and twisted me like a bread tie. Choking the air out of me until she just spit me out and left me here understanding nothing. Other than, if she isn't a BPD candidate, then there is something severely wrong with me!

Logically speaking, I know it's not the case. I can see all that has transpired in our marriage. I see, pretty clearly my stuff and what I own. I have also happily carried my wife's stuff and accepted happily, when my wife demeaned me, that I was always the issue. I was the problem. I needed to change. I needed more skills. I needed more therapy, another day of 12 step programs, take DBT classes again... I needed to do it all! And in the end, the day she kicked me out, I was told, I am not doing enough work!

Ha! Last laugh is on her. She was right. I was only going to 12 step, DBT and Therapy 3-4 days a week! How dare I do such a paltry amount of work on myself!

It is truly terrible. I came to this relationship a hard working, dedicated dad, with custody of my kids, engaged man, aware of emotional needs, the list is long what attributes I possessed not too long ago.

And now, after what feels like my wife's experiment to convince me I was broken and I needed copious amounts of relational and mental help, I am limping and whimpering like a person who truly is broken. 

[spaceace]

Hey Rose Tiger, I don't know what I am going to do about my stuff at the moment. It seems trivial after all the back and forth texting yesterday and I just need a break. I feel like I got caught up in her chaos. I bought into the chaos.

I am now exhausted by the chaos and truly don't have the wherewithal to figure that out today.

Furthermore, at 6:50 am this morning, my door bell was rang by a Sheriff. He was serving me papers from my ex wife. I needed that like a hole in the head. My ex is stating she doesn't have the medical cards. I am so tired of nonsense like this. I have all of this info listed on a website due to a court order that was made 3 years ago, and now I am getting this? Crazy... No idea what her issue is. Don't care.

But I contacted Child Support and provided the medical/dental cards to them and I am hopeful I won't have to go to court... .  

[Rose Tiger]

I can relate, somedays the trash was lucky if it were taken out.  This crap is so draining.  The legal forum is great if you need any advice on the papers you received.  She is getting something out of this vindictiveness, who knows what, but it's like a way to continue the relationship for them.  She might have some NPD traits, they seem to thrive on court action stuff.  It helps to journal this stuff, too.  Journaling can help you to move past it enough to function.