Tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today my H tells me he's going to be home early and can watch my youngest daughter while I'm out tonight with my oldest.  The way he worded it though was - "Tell me if I can be home with her tonight." I told him I wasn't sure of my plans if I would be bringing her.  It was a very bizarre conversation and I didn't care for the way he looked at me or his tone of voice.   

I'm heading to the DV center on my lunch to meet with a counselor.  Am I required to leave my D with him since he is still living in the house? This is awful how he tries to pressure me into this kind of a situation.  Please advise! 

[Mind]

Today my H tells me he's going to be home early and can watch my youngest daughter while I'm out tonight with my oldest.  The way he worded it though was - "Tell me if I can be home with her tonight." I told him I wasn't sure of my plans if I would be bringing her.  It was a very bizarre conversation and I didn't care for the way he looked at me or his tone of voice.   

I'm heading to the DV center on my lunch to meet with a counselor.  Am I required to leave my D with him since he is still living in the house? This is awful how he tries to pressure me into this kind of a situation.  Please advise! 

[catnap]

Is it possible to take your younger D with you?  It may be the safest course and lessen your anxiety.   A good question to ask at the DV center. 

[Mind]

I am going to ask them today.  I typically do take her with me.  I have a feeling this is going to trigger him.   I could tell this morning by the look he gave me since I didn't reply to his text.  He can ignore my texts but when I do it's a different story.   I also need to file the DIR still and I was hoping to do this tonight and bring my D to my Dad's for that hour, if need be.

I guess my question is do I have to leave my kids with him?  And, now, he's written something on the calendar about the kids going somewhere?  next week with his parents and they got ticket for some performance?  No details. No times. Hasn't informed me, made the plans definitely to get back at me.  He's off next week for break and I will be working. 

I am so uncomfortable with all of this... . He can be so pressuring and controlling.   

[ForeverDad]

This was my experience... . Keep in mind it was high conflict, your situation may be different... . I was the one working - she claimed she "worked from home" - and I of course was just the father, not the Mother.  While we were separated but before I had filed for divorce she started blocking all father-child access.  I never found a time she left our preschooler anywhere since she had her own schedule, didn't use a daycare and son wasn't in school.  The police refused to help me see our child nor accompany me for a peace visit, I was told I needed a court order in hand before they would step in, though I was also assured (warned) that if I went to her residence to see our son and she called the police then they would respond immediately, presumably to protect her from a dangerous situation.

After a month of blocking I filed for divorce.  Nothing changed because I still had no order.  I had to wait nearly two more months to finally get to visit with our son a few days after our hearing in family court.  The magistrate knew I hadn't seen my son for 3 months yet saw no urgency for a father-son reunion, in fact she asked for an extra day's delay since she wanted to take our son to an out-of-town event the next Saturday and so the magistrate delayed the reunion by 26 hours to accommodate her.  Maybe in his mind he reasoned I had been blocked 3 months and if I was going to have to wait for my newly scheduled upcoming weekend then what was another day and two hours?

This may be how your court could see your parenting choices, that without a court order in place then you can pretty much do as you please, as happened with my uncooperative spouse.  Then again, maybe it won't.  It's hard to say in advance.

My point?  Do what you feel is right and reasonable for you and your children.  You don't have to respond and appease his every demand.  Yes, he's trying to make you out to be blocking or unreasonable.  But the court is not likely to scrutinize your every decision or choice, especially if you're just continuing your typical schedule and pattern.  I think.  So don't seek confrontation but on the other hand appeasing could send him a message that you don't have firm boundaries and he will push even more.

Right now you're probably encountering what we have termed an extinction burst, where he's been triggered and is demanding more and more control in order to get Compliant Spouse back where you were and as you were before.

[Mind]

He just texted me, "Please let me know if you are taking our D before 3."  This is bizarre.  He never asks or cares.  I feel very pressured and I am just about to head over to the DV center and will bring this up. He was so threatening and nasty the other day. Now he's so nice?  I don't buy it.

High conflict is exactly what this is, ForeverDad.  Every. Single. Day.  with this man is high conflict. I'm so sorry to hear how yours treated you with your son.  I still to this day can't imagine treating people as poorly as these people do.

I've heard of the EB.  I'm not going backwards this time around.

[marbleloser]

Just in case he's keeping all of the texts for use in court,be calm and polite.

[Mind]

Yes, everything I write is always calm.  Do I have to reply?

[marbleloser]

I would.Just be cooperative.For one,you'll keep the drama to a minimum this way and two,you prove that you're a cooperative parent.

I do understand the feeling to not reply.You're still walking on eggshells.Let go of that power he holds over you.

Once you file,then you can choose to communicate by email only,and take your time responding if needed.

[marbleloser]

Also,until you have PO,your H has equal rights to the kids under law.If you leave them somewhere and he goes to get them,the person who has them can't stop him.That would be custodial interference.

If you do get a PO,and you feel he is a danger to the kids as well,include the order for the kids also.Otherwise,the PO will just protect you.

[Mind]

I texted him back that our D can stay home. I got home and he starts calling the kids sweethearts in his fake cheery voice that I've only heard the past few weeks. Then says he's taking my daughter out. He didn't give details so I asked. He was vague - said he's taking her out and maybe to dinner. I got home and he never said a word as to where he took her.

He cannot communicate healthy with me about the kids. He is using them clearly to get back at me because he knows like any mom, I want to know where my kids are and that they are safe! He is nasty. These games have to stop!