Baby talk

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Anyone else have an issue with their pwBPD using baby talk?

I've always found it annoying when women use it... . but when a 57 year old man does it... then MAKES a point of doing it when he KNOWS it annoys me... . OYE!

I really need to get my crap together and figure out why I still share a life with someone who's amused by doing things that  I ask him nicely to stop.

[froggy]

Anyone else have an issue with their pwBPD using baby talk?

I've always found it annoying when women use it... . but when a 57 year old man does it... then MAKES a point of doing it when he KNOWS it annoys me... . OYE!

I really need to get my crap together and figure out why I still share a life with someone who's amused by doing things that  I ask him nicely to stop.

[AwakenedOne]

He talks to you like a baby in regular conversation or in the bedroom?

[froggy]

oh my... . it truly could be worse... .

This is every day stuff... usually when asking for something.

[AwakenedOne]

oh my... . it truly could be worse... .

This is every day stuff... usually when asking for something.

Um... . mmmmm... . umm... .

Maybe hand him a diaper and then say "If your going to talk like that, shouldn't you be wearing this?"

[froggy]

... . usually I ask him if he's speaking english... cause I don't understand what he's asking for cause he's not speaking english.

He usually continues untill he gets fed up with me telling him I don't understand him... . then asks like a normal person... . untill next time.

Must try the diaper thing

what's the worst that could happen? He gets mad?

[day2day]

What could be worse? He wears it and expects you to change it!

[froggy]

Don't forget he askes to change it... . in baby talk!

[Leap]

Have you ask him if he even notices he does it?  And if he does, why does he do it?  I am beginning to really learn that there is a reason for everything someone with BPD does whether consciously or subconsciously.  Sometimes she does it and doesn't even notice.  She has a friend who does this all the time and the irony is that it annoys my wife to no end.  I don't know if my BPD wife's friend is also BPD (I never asked and she has never said) but I do know that she meets a lot of the criteria.  He may not even know why he does or even that he is doing it.  Just a thought.

[froggy]

He does it because he thinks its funny.

He is aware he is doing it and that it annoys me. When I ask him to please speak likw an adult. .he continues with a smirk on his face and then lays it on thicker.

He does this with other things... like if I'm waiting for him to unlock the car door for me and it's pouring rain... he'll sit in the car... take his time pretend to be doing something with a smirk on his face till I knock on the window... then he acts like I've just magically appeared even though he looked at me when he got in the car.

He does it to the kids too... . usually I could care less... but he saves it for when I'm dressed up and it's pouring rain.

When the kids were younger he would find something that bothered them... then continue till they got upset... . then blow up for  what he perceived as the being disrespectful.

[letmeout]

The maturity level is astonishing isn't it. My exBPDh called me 'mommy' for years and would often revert to childish behaviors. He thought it was funny too, but would have a temper tantrum if anyone called him out on it.

[froggy]

he seems to be getting more passive aggressive as he gets older.

Not sure if it's because I don't get baited into the big fights anymore and I've become emotionally detatched for the most part.

He started with calling me Mom along with the kids and I put my foot down with that... . funny thing is when we first got married he would constantly compare my cooking or other things with how his Mother did them... "that's NOT how my Mom does it"

or when I asked him to help with any thing I got "your NOT my Mom"

I was thinking about this the other day and I've noticed. ... As the intimacy has died the more the baby talk has appeared.

[AwakenedOne]

I was thinking about this the other day and I've noticed. ... As the intimacy has died the more the baby talk has appeared.

Hi Froggy,

That's interesting and also sad. What do you think is going on here? Do you think the baby talk could be he is trying to reach out and attempt in his own off the wall way to have a playfulness connection with you because he would like to reconnect in a deeper love / intimacy way but he doesn't know how? Or do you see this as a purely negative thing that's making your relationship worse? Hope things get better for you.  

AO

[Banshee]

Maybe hand him a diaper and then say "If your going to talk like that, shouldn't you be wearing this?"

I about chuckled myself right off the bed when I read that...

[Banshee]

He does this with other things... like if I'm waiting for him to unlock the car door for me and it's pouring rain... he'll sit in the car... take his time pretend to be doing something with a smirk on his face till I knock on the window... then he acts like I've just magically appeared even though he looked at me when he got in the car.

He does it to the kids too... . usually I could care less... but he saves it for when I'm dressed up and it's pouring rain.

When the kids were younger he would find something that bothered them... then continue till they got upset... . then blow up for  what he perceived as the being disrespectful.

This is my ex husband to a T! wow... he's not BPD but holy smokes batman he did stuff like this all the time!

If we were on our way home from out of town and one of us had to use the bathroom he wouldn't go 1 mile over the speed limit and then get in the neighborhood and would then creep along at a snails pace... Never understood the meaness for this

[letmeout]

Its a control issue. Mine use to do the same thing. He would drive at a snails pace if I had to go pee! One time we drove to Chicago and he refused to stop anywhere; I thought my bladder was going to bust I was in so much pain.

His brother chewed him out good when we got there for it too. He told him how cruel it is to do that but it didn't change his ways at all. Or maybe they derive some kind of sick enjoyment out of watching their loved ones suffer?

[froggy]

Do you think the baby talk could be he is trying to reach out and attempt in his own off the wall way to have a playfulness connection with you because he would like to reconnect in a deeper love / intimacy way but he doesn't know how? Or do you see this as a purely negative thing that's making your relationship worse?

AO[/quote]
AO

Don't think it's an attempt to reconnect. .he's the one that cut out most affection. He does not kiss or hug... . hasn't for years and has turned sex into a pretty one sided activity.

He kinda enjoys being a pest... . to me... the kids or anyone he is some what close to.

Banshee & Letmeout

his brother was really bad for the bathroom thing. I would tell him miles ahead of time that I would need to stop at the next rest stop... . and he'd drive right by and grin... . He'd keep driving till I was desperate. .then finally find a place... the go over EVERY speed bump he could. Made me pee on the side of the road more than once and made me pee in the bush in my wedding dress and heels in the dark when driving us out to our honeymoon hotel.

H thought this was quite funny at the time... he also has made me pee off the road more than once because he thought it was funny.

[AwakenedOne]

Froggy,

That's too bad, sorry your going through all that.  Between the baby talk and the not letting you go to the bathroom. Pretty sick actually isn't it? You say his brother is the same. My ex's family members all seem to have various mental disorders also. All undiagnosed, but being near them its like a carnival of sickness. You seem like a very strong woman. Hope things get better for you.

Peace,

AO

[froggy]

AO

His brother died in a plane crash 18 years ago. Think he was NPD. Not a screamer or puncher of walls. ... more silent treatment and pacive aggressive stuff. Things got MUCH worse with my H after he died as he was his only sibling and they were only 11 months apart. My H was the scapegoat and his brother the golden child.

Pretty sure BOTH his parents are disordered. .from talking to my ML... pretty sure her mother was uBPD and my FIL's mother also.

My father pretty sure was unpd/uBPD, ptsd , scycopath and what ever else you'd like to throw in there for pd and throw in alcoholic pedophile.

I don't have anger for either. ... the old man died 14 years ago and I decided a long time ago not to give the people that have abused me the energy it takes to fuel hate.

I survived and to do that you need to let go of that kind of energy... they still have control over you if they take up that much space in your head.

I feel sorry for my H... . it takes so much energy to always be miserable. .to always find something wrong with everything and everyone.

I'm just tired of it all after 33 years. The more I read the less hope I have of things ever getting better... of ever getting ANY of my needs met.

I know things will ALWAYS be my fault. .he will ALWAYS lose his temper over nothing... that the rules will always change... that there will always be a double standard.

I'm just tired and seriously. .but slowly working on getting out.

The kids are grown but still living at home... . so saving my money... sorting the house... detaching from him emotionally. ... still working on the little things that tick me off tho.

[AwakenedOne]

Froggy,

You have a really good attitude. I sure admire that a lot. Sorry you been through all of that. Congrats on 33 years. My wife (uBPDstbxw) almost drove me insane in just 4 short years. I never knew about BPD till after we split. If I hadn't of found this website at that point I'd probably be insane by now and just wondering around in the woods and talking to chickens and squirrels, asking them what was it I lived through for 4 years?

Peace,

AO

[froggy]

AO

Oh I've had my times where I thought I was losing my mind.

when I got pregnant with my first he lost his job (again) we moved 1000 miles away from family and friends... I had a difficult birth ... moved to another house... he lost his job we moved for him to get 6 months before he wad to write his ticket... found out I was pregnant again... more job problems and another difficult birth where I almost died this time. ALL this within 3 years!

So had 2 babies and a crazy man. He helped with nothing.

Fortunately he got a good job but shift work was hell.

The few years after his brother died were bad... he really started drinking... . we bought a house... he had eye surgery the same week we moved... . broke his back... the mill shut down that he was working in so no job... . I had to go to work full time... 2 jobs in the summer and I had to leave 2 early teen kids with him. He did some real damage to S those years I was working.

I only found out about BPD about 5 years ago... thought maybe he might be bipolar for years... but it didn't quite fit... . after a major melt down where he had us sit on the couch because he needed to "talk" to us... raged for a couple hours not being allowed to respond.

I googled bipolar again... didn't quite fit... googled bipolar with rage... . BINGO!

A year or so later I was staying at a long time friends who has known him since he was 19 and I had mentioned I thought I'd figured out what was wrong with him. ... both at the same time came out with BPD!

She had been doing some research because of another friend who has been working to get well for decades. I was given eggshells and sat and cried when I read it... . took a lot of weight off my shoulders... I wasn't crazy.

My childhood prepared me for this... . I figured thats just how men were... . my sister as well... she has been with her upwBPD for 40 years. I have just opened her eyes to BPD and bought her eggshells.

She is not as layed back as I am and after all the years of abuse she now has terminal cancer. After spending a month with her in the hospital... . discussing BPD... dealing with her H and mine (he wanted me to come home to take care of him as he thought I was having "fun" I've made the decision I need to leave.

There really isn't much between us any more. .I'm here just to take care of his needs.

... while I'm expected to not have any.

I've run out of patience for him... . but I'm stll here... . working on the FOO issues that keep me here.

My Mom was my age when she kicked my dad out and she still had 3 minor children. .if she can do it... . so can I.

I just need to work through my fears.

[Banshee]

he needed to "talk" to us... raged for a couple hours not being allowed to respond.

This ALL on it's own, will drive you out of your mind! It has got to be the worse feeling I have ever experienced. Being blamed and accused of things you never did or said and can't even blink much less speak up for yourself... My heart goes out to you  :'(

[froggy]

I HATED it as a kid... . never being able to explain or give my side of things... children were to be seen (as little a possible) and not heard.

I always let my kids explain and even argue their point as long as the tone was respectful. ... Unfortunately that did not work wth their father.

My son is like I was in the beginning of this relationship. ... . he LOVES to argue and HATES not being heard... . always likes the last word... . you can imagine how that works with dad now... . he is so much like his dad in so many ways.

My daughter is like me now... knows when it's not worth the fight.

[letmeout]

Why is life such a competition with BPD people? My ex was convinced that he who yells the loudest and the longest is the winner.  He never understood why terrorizing others chased them away instead of making them worship him. Sad and crazy... .

[froggy]

letmeout

as far as I can tell they think if you have a coment or an opinion other than their own you obviously haven't heard them so need to increase the volume as we are obviously deaf.

I don't even try any more. ... when he comes stprming that I've obviously done something ridiculous just to tick him off... . I just agree.

Why YES... . I KNEW this would upset you... or I moved your stuff (hid) ... cause that's what I do all day... . I hide your stuff and think of ways JUST to upset you... . yup nothin better to do woth my life.

I kust don't take the bait any more... . soo tired of this stupid game. ... . just no winner

[Banshee]

My ex was convinced that he who yells the loudest and the longest is the winner.

as far as I can tell they think if you have a coment or an opinion other than their own you obviously haven't heard them so need to increase the volume as we are obviously deaf.

isn't strange how we know so much but can do so little to fix it

[froggy]

Banshee

WE can't fix it... . that's the problem.

we either decide to be part of the paradigm. ... or not.

Either learn how to do the borderline dance... . or get off the dance floor.

[Banshee]

That is so True, I'm not dancing anymore... I think maybe bull riding may be less dangerous.

[letmeout]

Either learn how to do the borderline dance... . or get off the dance floor.

LOL I had the borderline dance moves down, but after 35 years my feet wore out, so I had to dance right out the door! I don't miss him or his insanity.

I am still learning how to interact with non disordered people though. Some of my thinking and communication skills are a little out of whack from being with my BPD spouse for such a long time. Its like learning a new language and I love it!

[froggy]

well AGAIN with the baby talk

and as suggested I asked him why he was talking like that... . so got a grin and he put it on thicker... . so just asked him if he does it  JUST because I don't like it?

His answer. ... YES

Better question to ask myself... . Why is it so hard to pull the trigger and just leave?

[letmeout]

Because he is like a child, and like your child, and people don't abandon their children.

At least that is what I always felt whenever I would try to leave him when we were younger.

He solved that problem for me when he got much older and became a monster; then it left me no choice.