I want to see him but I know I can't

[apple2]

The comment about repetition compulsion got me thinking - for me, I think I keep yearning to re-engage because I dream that we could make it work *this* time.   All signs during the recycle events in the past year point to her not having changed one bit (maybe even a bit worse) so why am I being so delusional.  I found the following on cirp.org and it seemed to relate to some of the "addiction" that I seem to feel for her:

Thanks for sharing all the information. I also kept thinking we could make it work this time, and of course nothing is changed.

That was addiction. I realized it. It is hard to detach, but even harder to keep oneself away from the "drugs", when they come back into your life unexpectedly. It brings happiness for short-term, but just as drug, not healthy in the long run.

NC is at best. I don't have the dream any more. After the broke up circles I feel I don't want to engage in any relationships right now... .

[apple2]

in short I KNOW all the reasons. My head tells me that but my heart has never absorbed the message. I question, continuously, why do I care after all the pain, rages, blaming, projecting, splitting, lies, silent rages etc. It truly is a phenomenon. There is no rhyme nor reason to still caring. I would never treat myself the same way; but I can't stop ruminating about good times, belief of his lies about how he'd never leave me no matter what!

I truly understand the split of the head and the heart, the life wisdom and the emotion. All of them are controversial, because of the partner with BPD.

I was once in a "dangerous" situation. I began to think if something bad happened, and if I didn't have enough time to call everyone, whom would I call? I sadly saw that I would definitely not call him, because I didn't know whether he liked me at that time or hated me, whether he wanted to hear my voice or not. I would give the precious time to people who care about me without doubt.

I once had bad mood, and needed a talk. I sadly saw that I could not call him, because he would not have patience to hear what I was saying, if his feeling on that day was somewhere else.

I once forgot my key and could not enter my apartment after finishing work at night. I took out the phone, tried to call someone to stay there for a night. I sadly saw that I would never call him in that case. Rather prefer a hotel.

The thing is, even I love him, I know he is not a reliable person when I need help, comfort, support... .he can be very considerate and helpful, but only when he is in that mood.

We all know, trust is an important issue, even for a normal friendship... .Not refer to a life partner, a lover, a husband or a wife. 

[jhkbuzz]

The comment about repetition compulsion got me thinking - for me, I think I keep yearning to re-engage because I dream that we could make it work *this* time.   All signs during the recycle events in the past year point to her not having changed one bit (maybe even a bit worse) so why am I being so delusional.  I found the following on cirp.org and it seemed to relate to some of the "addiction" that I seem to feel for her:

       Self-help organizations for people with addictions or with backgrounds that include childhood traumas or parental addictions have elaborated a model of treatment that appears to address many of the core issues of repetitive traumatization. These groups provide people with both human attachments and a meaningful cognitive frame for dealing with the sense of helplessness that is central to these problems... They focus on the development of "serenity," which can be understood both as a state of automatic stability and of being at peace with one's surroundings. These groups teach that the way to gain this serenity is by learning to trust, by surrendering, and by making contact and developing interpersonal commitments. They provide a support network that attempts to avoid the barriers that people create to bolster their individual differences, and they thus endeavor to circumvent the shame of being helpless and vulnerable that perpetuates social isolation. Shame and social isolation are thought to promote regression to earlier states of anxious attachment and to addictive involvements. In these circles it is said that: "No pain is so devastating as the pain a person refuses to face and no suffering is so lasting as suffering left unacknowledged."23 There is emphasis on living in the here and now, generally with the acknowledgement that in contrast to victimized children, adults can learn to protect themselves and make a conscious choice about not engaging in relationships or behaviors that are known to be harmful. The underlying assumption is that conclusions drawn from a child's perspective retain their power into adulthood until verbalized and examined. In a group context, victims can learn that as children they were not responsible for the chaos, violence and despair surrounding them, but that as adults there are choices and consequences.23,137

These groups also teach that in order to avoid repetition, one has to give up the behavior, drug, or person involved in the addiction. Acknowledging the addictive quality of the involvement is known as overcoming denial. Avoiding acknowledging the feelings promotes acting out. Traumatized people need to understand that acknowledging feelings related to the trauma does not bring back the trauma itself, and its accompanying violence and helplessness. There must be emphasis on finding replacement activities and experiences that are more rewarding, successful and powerful in the immediate present. These may include being of help to victims of similar traumas as one's own.

This was really fascinating and I went to cirp.org to read more but it's a website about... .circumcision?  !

[BatMasterson]

that's the funniest thing!  yes, correct website but i got to the article by a direct link.   Here it is - sorry about that!  www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/