So she called me last Saturday...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hadn't heard from her in over a month. She was crying on the phone to me, telling me how I was right all along and that she was sorry for not listening to me (blames the BPD). You can read about that here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271580.0

Apparently she tried to kill herself the day/night before she called me. She went to the hospital and everything. She also told me she was doing impulsive things such as sleeping with random guys off Tinder (gross). Told me how she feels alone and has no friends (even though she told me she was moving to be closer to all her friends, ). Told me she was depressed basically immediately once she moved, has hardly worked, ect.

She asked to see me. I saw her. Didn't do anything with her, didn't want to. I went over to her place, helped her make her bed, watched Netflix for an hour, and then she went to sleep. In the morning (last Sunday) she made me breakfast and I helped her with this video game she was playing. I also kind of told her I would lend her money because she was broke from not working (I'm too nice). I then went home and then went to work. After work she texted me saying, "I'm worried I'll wanna sleep with you one day." I ignored it.

We've been texting every day. She's always the one to text me first, I just go along with the conversation most of the time.

On Tuesday she sent me a VERY sexual picture of herself while I was at work. Basically, she was trying to get me to come over. I told her I was sick.

On Thursday she told me she was bitter. I asked her why and she said:

"Because I dislike the people in my life. I cannot rely on anyone. I feel really bitter towards guys. Mainly cause I was lied to and used... .and still am. So it's like do I cut them out... but if I do I'll be even more alone. And I can't meet new people. My trust is scorned. (I don't wanna go into it) I know deep down the person I am isn't only for myself and I'm caring but I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to care about anyone.

You're the only person I feel who actually cares if I'm honest.

Even if you're not asking how I am all the time and stuff. You know me and what I've gone through and understand. And you're not all f***ed up or have issues or gonna use me like other guys I know.

I don't know why you care. Maybe cause I was your first GF. I don't know. I won't question it I guess. You're just a really nice person and I'm happy I at least have you around."


She's been doing a lot of complaining how she has no friends or whatever, so I guess the people she knew weren't so great for her after all. However, tonight she sends me a selfie of her with a man's shirt on with food all over her. She says she got into a food fight with her ex boyfriend. I guess she got into ANOTHER relationship with somebody which lasted probably no more than a few weeks, . She tells me how they were friends before they dated and are now friends again so that's "good" but she still loves him... .

I think I'm starting to piece this all together now. I don't know what went down with her and this guy, but I bet after they broke up she went into a tailspin and that is when she started using Tinder to sleep around with random guys and then had her suicide attempt. Then she calls me, brings me back into the picture because she's feeling lonely. Smh.

Anyway, she's pretty screwed up. She says she's taking her mental health seriously this time, however she can't get outpatient treatment for like 6 months (the wait is very long). I'm sure she'll do something crazy before then, she always does.

[paperlung]

Hadn't heard from her in over a month. She was crying on the phone to me, telling me how I was right all along and that she was sorry for not listening to me (blames the BPD). You can read about that here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271580.0

Apparently she tried to kill herself the day/night before she called me. She went to the hospital and everything. She also told me she was doing impulsive things such as sleeping with random guys off Tinder (gross). Told me how she feels alone and has no friends (even though she told me she was moving to be closer to all her friends, ). Told me she was depressed basically immediately once she moved, has hardly worked, ect.

She asked to see me. I saw her. Didn't do anything with her, didn't want to. I went over to her place, helped her make her bed, watched Netflix for an hour, and then she went to sleep. In the morning (last Sunday) she made me breakfast and I helped her with this video game she was playing. I also kind of told her I would lend her money because she was broke from not working (I'm too nice). I then went home and then went to work. After work she texted me saying, "I'm worried I'll wanna sleep with you one day." I ignored it.

We've been texting every day. She's always the one to text me first, I just go along with the conversation most of the time.

On Tuesday she sent me a VERY sexual picture of herself while I was at work. Basically, she was trying to get me to come over. I told her I was sick.

On Thursday she told me she was bitter. I asked her why and she said:

"Because I dislike the people in my life. I cannot rely on anyone. I feel really bitter towards guys. Mainly cause I was lied to and used... .and still am. So it's like do I cut them out... but if I do I'll be even more alone. And I can't meet new people. My trust is scorned. (I don't wanna go into it) I know deep down the person I am isn't only for myself and I'm caring but I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to care about anyone.

You're the only person I feel who actually cares if I'm honest.

Even if you're not asking how I am all the time and stuff. You know me and what I've gone through and understand. And you're not all f***ed up or have issues or gonna use me like other guys I know.

I don't know why you care. Maybe cause I was your first GF. I don't know. I won't question it I guess. You're just a really nice person and I'm happy I at least have you around."


She's been doing a lot of complaining how she has no friends or whatever, so I guess the people she knew weren't so great for her after all. However, tonight she sends me a selfie of her with a man's shirt on with food all over her. She says she got into a food fight with her ex boyfriend. I guess she got into ANOTHER relationship with somebody which lasted probably no more than a few weeks, . She tells me how they were friends before they dated and are now friends again so that's "good" but she still loves him... .

I think I'm starting to piece this all together now. I don't know what went down with her and this guy, but I bet after they broke up she went into a tailspin and that is when she started using Tinder to sleep around with random guys and then had her suicide attempt. Then she calls me, brings me back into the picture because she's feeling lonely. Smh.

Anyway, she's pretty screwed up. She says she's taking her mental health seriously this time, however she can't get outpatient treatment for like 6 months (the wait is very long). I'm sure she'll do something crazy before then, she always does.

[Infared]

WOW Paperlung... .I am not trying to be funny here... .but that is a "Hot Mess" is I ever did see one!  So... .are you investing time with her just to be supportive and helpful? She seems quite confused and totally non-directed in life right now.  Looks like a very difficult dance even to be supportive with your history and that your could be devalued at any moment (not sure of your entire history of your relationship, but I know you are a valuable contributor around the website).

What is your plan, or hope moving forward? I would be careful, and consider you as well with any action that you take. I know how we can be our own worst enemies at times. It's admirable that you are being there for her, though. Just be careful of the "rescuing the victim" dance that we love so well... .

[paperlung]

Supportive, yes. Helpful? Not really, even though I did lend her $80 dollars, she'll be paying me back on the 16th. I will not say yes again. She needs to act like an adult and work for her own money.

It is a very difficult dance. I totally could be devalued at any given moment again. I could easily see her reverting back to, "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't have BPD again."

I'm a little skeptical about everything. Especially if she just made amends with her most recent ex. I obviously would like nothing more than for her to get therapy, but that's far away and I doubt she'll stay straight till then. I would prefer not to hear from her so often. Nor do I really want to spend much time with her. I care but I like caring from afar at this point.

I hate being such a caring person sometimes. I mean, I went over to comfort her the same day she called me. I fear I'm going to played again.

[Infared]

Supportive, yes. Helpful? Not really, even though I did lend her $80 dollars, she'll be paying me back on the 16th. I will not say yes again. She needs to act like an adult and work for her own money.

It is a very difficult dance. I totally could be devalued at any given moment again. I could easily see her reverting back to, "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't have BPD again."

I'm a little skeptical about everything. Especially if she just made amends with her most recent ex. I obviously would like nothing more than for her to get therapy, but that's far away and I doubt she'll stay straight till then. I would prefer not to hear from her so often. Nor do I really want to spend much time with her. I care but I like caring from afar at this point.

I hate being such a caring person sometimes. I mean, I went over to comfort her the same day she called me. I fear I'm going to played again.

I guess that you need to be VERY vigilant as to what your intentions are and set very clear boundaries with "you" for you... .as you cannot expect much from her in the way of "honoring your boundaries"... .she is not capable from what you are posting here. I would not be able to do what you are doing after the way I was treated, (I would not put myself in harms way with my ex for any reason... the vindictiveness was too damaging for me), but if you can stay detached and helpful with NO expectations I guess you can at least be supportive. What are you hoping for as an outcome to your efforts?

[Infern0]

A familiar sounding situation my brother and you seem like you know the score.

Right now you are important but what happens to you when she makes up with her friends or meets a new guy.

I've been in the position you are in and I struggled trying to force myself to not attach and just be helping a friend. I helped so much but then she made up with her friends and started talking to her ex again.

The phone suddenly went quiet and when I asked what was going on I was told to stop harassing her.

Be very careful.

[jhkbuzz]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

[.cup.car]

Sounds like my ex, right down to the "cut you out" phrase.

[LeonVa]

I won't help her at all. They are not the type that appreciates your help.

It's all about them! When she needs you, she's nice and all. Once you've helped her, she doesn't know you anymore, literally as you are finishing with whatever you are helping her with.  Sometimes if you deny their requests, they'll flip out on you the very next second. Is that a sincere way to ask for help? I think not.

I used to take it personally, but then I realized, they are sick.  Would you go to a mental hospital and reason with the patients there? I don't think so.

[cosmonaut]

Wow.  Man, paperlung, I can only imagine how emotional this must be to see someone you care about in such bad shape.  It seems pretty clear from your post that you aren't interested in a further relationship with her, but it also seems clear that you are very worried about her well being.  And with good reason.  She's in a bad spot, and without an attachment she is flailing.  You know how BPD operates, and you recognize all of this.  She really does need help.  It sounds like you have been so kind and so good to her, even as I know she has hurt you badly in the past.  That's a wonderful quality in you.

It's very positive that she seems open to getting some treatment, but it's unconscionable that she has to wait 6 months (!) when she is in crisis.  That is madness!  Are there truly no other avenues that she could use?  That could be one way you could genuinely help her if you could link her up with some faster professional help.  Maybe you could do some research and calling around on her behalf.  That would be a very noble thing to do.

I know it's not the popular view here, but I believe that we should help others when we can.  I don't think that you need to be a martyr, however.  If you feel that this is going to consume you, then step away as gracefully as you can.  Maybe you could put her into the care of her family.  But if you think that you are in a place that you can protect yourself, then I think it is a very noble and kind thing to help your ex.  Will she appreciate it?  It's very likely she won't.  But that's not the reason we help people, right?  Sometimes virtue is it's own reward.  Don't think that you are being some sort of codependent doormat for helping her when she is in real danger.

She needs professional help in the end.  If you decide to try and help her, I would impress upon whoever you contact that she is in crisis, is suicidal, and is engaging in extremely high risk behaviors.  She can't wait 6 months.  She may not be eligible for immediate inpatient or psychiatric hold since she doesn't have active thoughts of self-harm, but she clearly needs help sooner than 6 months.

Anyway, I just wanted to say again how kind I think you have been and how admirable I think that is.  You've had a real mess dumped in your lap, and I know you didn't ask for this.  Still, you seem to be handling it with remarkable grace.   

[paperlung]

I guess that you need to be VERY vigilant as to what your intentions are and set very clear boundaries with "you" for you... .as you cannot expect much from her in the way of "honoring your boundaries"... .she is not capable from what you are posting here. I would not be able to do what you are doing after the way I was treated, (I would not put myself in harms way with my ex for any reason... the vindictiveness was too damaging for me), but if you can stay detached and helpful with NO expectations I guess you can at least be supportive. What are you hoping for as an outcome to your efforts?

She stays grounded and gets treatment.

A familiar sounding situation my brother and you seem like you know the score.

Right now you are important but what happens to you when she makes up with her friends or meets a new guy.

I've been in the position you are in and I struggled trying to force myself to not attach and just be helping a friend. I helped so much but then she made up with her friends and started talking to her ex again.

The phone suddenly went quiet and when I asked what was going on I was told to stop harassing her.

Be very careful.

Wouldn't surprise me if this happened.

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

I won't help her at all. They are not the type that appreciates your help.

It's all about them! When she needs you, she's nice and all. Once you've helped her, she doesn't know you anymore, literally as you are finishing with whatever you are helping her with.  Sometimes if you deny their requests, they'll flip out on you the very next second. Is that a sincere way to ask for help? I think not.

I used to take it personally, but then I realized, they are sick.  Would you go to a mental hospital and reason with the patients there? I don't think so.

Makes me wonder when she said "I can't rely on anyone" if she was referring to her "friends". Could be something as simple as them not being able to take her to the grocery store and her being all dramatic about it. I know all about the pouting behavior with her if she doesn't get her way.


By the way, here is something she texted me last Saturday BEFORE I told her I would come over.

"Please believe in me that I do want to get better and this is not some tactic for you to be around or something I am not taking seriously because I am. I know you've known me for years now and seen all my self destructive behavior. I am afraid and I know the journey to get better will be a difficult one for me. I reached out to you because I barely know anyone who I spent that much time with or who knows about BPD or me as much as you do. I feel you can understand. I do not want to take advantage of you or hinder your life in anyway, it's genuine reach for human companionship in a world where I feel very alone."

That's what practically made me say yes to visiting her.

[paperlung]

Wow.  Man, paperlung, I can only imagine how emotional this must be to see someone you care about in such bad shape.  It seems pretty clear from your post that you aren't interested in a further relationship with her, but it also seems clear that you are very worried about her well being.  And with good reason.  She's in a bad spot, and without an attachment she is flailing.  You know how BPD operates, and you recognize all of this.  She really does need help.  It sounds like you have been so kind and so good to her, even as I know she has hurt you badly in the past.  That's a wonderful quality in you.

It's very positive that she seems open to getting some treatment, but it's unconscionable that she has to wait 6 months (!) when she is in crisis.  That is madness!  Are there truly no other avenues that she could use?  That could be one way you could genuinely help her if you could link her up with some faster professional help.  Maybe you could do some research and calling around on her behalf.  That would be a very noble thing to do.

I know it's not the popular view here, but I believe that we should help others when we can.  I don't think that you need to be a martyr, however.  If you feel that this is going to consume you, then step away as gracefully as you can.  Maybe you could put her into the care of her family.  But if you think that you are in a place that you can protect yourself, then I think it is a very noble and kind thing to help your ex.  Will she appreciate it?  It's very likely she won't.  But that's not the reason we help people, right?  Sometimes virtue is it's own reward.  Don't think that you are being some sort of codependent doormat for helping her when she is in real danger.

She needs professional help in the end.  If you decide to try and help her, I would impress upon whoever you contact that she is in crisis, is suicidal, and is engaging in extremely high risk behaviors.  She can't wait 6 months.  She may not be eligible for immediate inpatient or psychiatric hold since she doesn't have active thoughts of self-harm, but she clearly needs help sooner than 6 months.

Anyway, I just wanted to say again how kind I think you have been and how admirable I think that is.  You've had a real mess dumped in your lap, and I know you didn't ask for this.  Still, you seem to be handling it with remarkable grace.   

Thanks, cosmonaut.

I recommend she find herself a psychologist in the meantime that specializes in BPD and knows about DBT. It would be costly, though.

She doesn't have a family. Her mom is a drunk/drug addict and her dad doesn't care about her really. It's a pretty sad situation. No wonder she is the way she is.

[cosmonaut]

I recommend she find herself a psychologist in the meantime that specializes in BPD and knows about DBT. It would be costly, though.

I am not sure what country you are from, but are there any government programs that would subsidize the cost?  Any nonprofit groups that might help?  Religious organizations?  She clearly does need to be seeing someone routinely, and it will indeed be expensive.  Sounds like she has no way of affording it independently.  In the US she could either apply for Medicaid or SSI Disability.  Both can take a while to be approved, however.  Often many hospitals will accept charity cases, though, particularly religious hospitals.  They will write off the costs.  Some independent psychologists/psychiatrists will use a sliding scale in payment too.  It just takes some investigation and asking around.  That might be something you could do, since she's pretty clearly in no shape to be able to do that for herself.

And that is sad about her family.  Almost certainly does explain much of why she has BPD at all.  I can see all the more why she is reaching out to you then.

[paperlung]

I recommend she find herself a psychologist in the meantime that specializes in BPD and knows about DBT. It would be costly, though.

I am not sure what country you are from, but are there any government programs that would subsidize the cost?  Any nonprofit groups that might help?  Religious organizations?  She clearly does need to be seeing someone routinely, and it will indeed be expensive.  Sounds like she has no way of affording it independently.  In the US she could either apply for Medicaid or SSI Disability.  Both can take a while to be approved, however.  Often many hospitals will accept charity cases, though, particularly religious hospitals.  They will write off the costs.  Some independent psychologists/psychiatrists will use a sliding scale in payment too.  It just takes some investigation and asking around.  That might be something you could do, since she's pretty clearly in no shape to be able to do that for herself.

And that is sad about her family.  Almost certainly does explain much of why she has BPD at all.  I can see all the more why she is reaching out to you then.

She could afford it. She just has to work. She's a cam model. She hates doing it, but she dug her grave when she decided to move back out again. Rents like over a thousand dollars a month for her.

I think she reaches out to just about anybody in times of crisis.

[Infared]

I guess that you need to be VERY vigilant as to what your intentions are and set very clear boundaries with "you" for you... .as you cannot expect much from her in the way of "honoring your boundaries"... .she is not capable from what you are posting here. I would not be able to do what you are doing after the way I was treated, (I would not put myself in harms way with my ex for any reason... the vindictiveness was too damaging for me), but if you can stay detached and helpful with NO expectations I guess you can at least be supportive. What are you hoping for as an outcome to your efforts?

She stays grounded and gets treatment.


GREAT GOAL!... .was not so sure that you were that focused when reading the post.  Good stuff.

[jhkbuzz]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

[paperlung]

I guess that you need to be VERY vigilant as to what your intentions are and set very clear boundaries with "you" for you... .as you cannot expect much from her in the way of "honoring your boundaries"... .she is not capable from what you are posting here. I would not be able to do what you are doing after the way I was treated, (I would not put myself in harms way with my ex for any reason... the vindictiveness was too damaging for me), but if you can stay detached and helpful with NO expectations I guess you can at least be supportive. What are you hoping for as an outcome to your efforts?

She stays grounded and gets treatment.


GREAT GOAL!... .was not so sure that you were that focused when reading the post.  Good stuff.

I would obviously never say this to her, but I don't believe that she will. Sooner or later she's going to do something dumb again and end up neglecting her mental health (maybe she already has). I have zero expectations and there is no point of me getting emotionally involved anymore. She's proven time and time again that her words are meaningless.

Like I said, 6 months until she can get outpatient treatment. That's a long time from now. I kind of wish she would just leave me alone until she proves something, and obviously, she can't right now. Although I suppose she could find herself a psychologist for the time being.

[paperlung]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

[Mike-X]

Good for you for offering support after all you have been through with her.  Can you explain the 6-month delay to getting outpatient treatment? That is such a long time for someone who was just at the hospital for a suicide attempt.

[mitatsu]

Thats a funny pet name for you... .Last Saturday... . 

[paperlung]

Good for you for offering support after all you have been through with her.  Can you explain the 6-month delay to getting outpatient treatment? That is such a long time for someone who was just at the hospital for a suicide attempt.

I don't understand it myself. It's like with any referral here. I guess there's just many people waiting their turn before her? 

[Loosestrife]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

How does she reduce the quality of your life?

[paperlung]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

How does she reduce the quality of your life?

She doesn't. She's just kind of there, if you know what I mean.

But when she acts crazy and does stupid things thinking it's OK/normal, I get kind of irritated and worried.

[jhkbuzz]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

It sounds like you're torn... .on the one hand you feel that she may "play" (take advantage) of you - although I'm still not sure HOW you're afraid you'll be taken advantage of.  On the other hand, you feel a certain amount of empathy/sympathy for what's she's struggling with - it definitely sounds like she's had a difficult childhood - but her life as an adult is a train wreck because of the choices she continues to make.

How detached are you?  Can she REALLY take advantage of you if you're detached?  (We often get "played" because our emotions cloud our judgement and perceptions). Do you have the emotional strength to live through more of her poor decision making if and when it occurs?  :)o you want her in your life? Would you like to "be there" for her because she has no one else?

Your "irritated and worried" exemplifies your double mindedness about whether or not you want her in your life. That's a hard position to be in - I feel for you.

[paperlung]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

Do you have the emotional strength to live through more of her poor decision making if and when it occurs?  :)o you want her in your life? Would you like to "be there" for her because she has no one else?

Your "irritated and worried" exemplifies your double mindedness about whether or not you want her in your life. That's a hard position to be in - I feel for you.

I don't think I have the emotional strength, to be honest. I didn't last time, which was why I went NC.

I don't really want the current her in my life, no. Like, she told me how she will get outpatient treatment 6 months from now... .that's so far away. I just know I'll have to deal with a lot of her BS until then, and who knows if she'll actually get the help once it's available to her. This is my ex we're talking about. For all I know she could end up moving to Alaska to live in an igloo with a new man she met off the internet or something. She's very impulsive.

I doubt I'm the only one. She mentioned two other guys to me on the phone last Saturday. One's apparently an alcoholic. I assume that is her ex-boyfriend who she still loves. I don't know. She gets around a lot, it's gross. If she's friends with him still, and he lives in her area, I honestly would rather just walk away from this. I don't know how to, though. I'd feel bad. I mean, at the moment she has done nothing wrong, and it's not her fault she can't get treatment yet. Sigh.

[jhkbuzz]

I fear I'm going to played again.

How might that ^ happen? What is your fear?

See Infern0's post. And I'm afraid she'll just neglect her mental health again. I've seen her do it many times, even after hitting rock bottom. She'll see the light, tell herself she's going to get help, but doesn't follow through.

Can you speak about yourself?  How are you afraid that you are going to be "played" or taken advantage of?

Basically, whether she is or isn't in my life, it makes no difference to me. She does not improve the quality of my life in any way. I've watched her tell me things that she was going to do dating back to 2011 and then just not do it. I don't believe she lies on purpose, at least I hope not. Sometimes I think she just manipulates me, tells me what I want to here, so I will stay around.

Right now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Talk of her promiscuity, depression, benzo addiction, and suicidal behavior... .I don't need that sort of stuff in my life.

Do you have the emotional strength to live through more of her poor decision making if and when it occurs?  :)o you want her in your life? Would you like to "be there" for her because she has no one else?

Your "irritated and worried" exemplifies your double mindedness about whether or not you want her in your life. That's a hard position to be in - I feel for you.

I don't think I have the emotional strength, to be honest. I didn't last time, which was why I went NC.

I don't really want the current her in my life, no. Like, she told me how she will get outpatient treatment 6 months from now... .that's so far away. I just know I'll have to deal with a lot of her BS until then, and who knows if she'll actually get the help once it's available to her. This is my ex we're talking about. For all I know she could end up moving to Alaska to live in an igloo with a new man she met off the internet or something. She's very impulsive.

I doubt I'm the only one. She mentioned two other guys to me on the phone last Saturday. One's apparently an alcoholic. I assume that is her ex-boyfriend who she still loves. I don't know. She gets around a lot, it's gross. If she's friends with him still, and he lives in her area, I honestly would rather just walk away from this. I don't know how to, though. I'd feel bad. I mean, at the moment she has done nothing wrong, and it's not her fault she can't get treatment yet. Sigh.

There it is:  I honestly would rather just walk away from this. It's okay to put your needs first.  It's more than okay: it's necessary.

You "do know how to do this."  You go n/c. That's not to say that you can't send her a last text to explain your need to do so - I think that will help assuage your conscience, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Honestly, your assessment of the entire situation sounds accurate and healthy.  You know full well that it is more than likely she will repeat her poor decision making and destructive behavior without therapeutic intervention. You're aware of your own emotional landscape; you don't want this kind of drama and unhealthiness in your life - for very good reasons. It is hard to watch someone you loved continually self-destruct - who would want a ticket to that show? I wouldn't. I couldn't. If I was in the same situation with my ex, I'd have to let her go - for my own emotional well-being.

Who knows - maybe, in the future when she's in therapy and making better choices you will be back in touch.  But those are her decisions - and her changes - to make.  There's not a single thing you can do; it's all on her.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, paperlung.

[Infern0]

I know what you are going through.

You think you should help because it's the good thing to do. You don't mind sucking up a bit of pain. As long as she behaves herself you can handle it.

A small part of you is probably holding out hope too. But at the same time you know that's not a good idea so you are trying to force that out of your head.

I've been here tried the LC thing. It can only work if you stick to your boundaries.  Don't get pulled too far in with false promises etc.

Keep her at arms length

[paperlung]

The way I see it, I have two options: NC or LC. She has texted me every day since last Saturday. Today she sent me a picture of herself taken by someone else in front of the mall. She was wearing a backwards hat (probably belongs to whoever took the picture) and titled it "Swag". I never replied. I don't get it. She's been complaining to me how she has no friends but yet she's out at the mall with someone. Doesn't make sense to me. All this small talk doesn't sit well with me either.

[jhkbuzz]

The way I see it, I have two options: NC or LC. She has texted me every day since last Saturday. Today she sent me a picture of herself taken by someone else in front of the mall. She was wearing a backwards hat (probably belongs to whoever took the picture) and titled it "Swag". I never replied. I don't get it. She's been complaining to me how she has no friends but yet she's out at the mall with someone. Doesn't make sense to me. All this small talk doesn't sit well with me either.

Sounds you are doubting her assessment of her life ("no friends".  Is she lying?

It also sounds like you need to think about your boundaries since she doesn't have any.

[Suzn]

I would prefer not to hear from her so often. Nor do I really want to spend much time with her. I care but I like caring from afar at this point.

Backing away with a little Controlled Contact may be helpful. Keep your conversations boring. If you talk say on Tuesday, let her know you can talk again on Thursday, stick to that. Then slowly draw the time you are available to talk out a day or two at a time. Next time, past Thursday, maybe the next Tuesday. You get the gist.

This is your life paperlung, you get to choose who you spend your time with.

[paperlung]

The way I see it, I have two options: NC or LC. She has texted me every day since last Saturday. Today she sent me a picture of herself taken by someone else in front of the mall. She was wearing a backwards hat (probably belongs to whoever took the picture) and titled it "Swag". I never replied. I don't get it. She's been complaining to me how she has no friends but yet she's out at the mall with someone. Doesn't make sense to me. All this small talk doesn't sit well with me either.

Sounds you are doubting her assessment of her life ("no friends".  Is she lying?

It also sounds like you need to think about your boundaries since she doesn't have any.

I honestly don't know. Maybe she painted them black when she contacted me (hence why she said to me she can't rely on anyone) but now one or two of them are white again. I highly doubt I was the only person she contacted. Just look what she texted me on Monday:

"Im not gonna lie im a trainwreck right now. Im abusing my clonazepam and all sorts of crap. Not sleeping. Not really eating. Mixed up with the people from my past. I havent done any of the assignments the nurse told me to do. I just dont know. Im rendering 3 videos for work right now and i plan to take another pill after this."

There is nothing special about me. Anyone will do to soothe her.

What do you mean about the boundaries?

[paperlung]

I would prefer not to hear from her so often. Nor do I really want to spend much time with her. I care but I like caring from afar at this point.

Backing away with a little Controlled Contact may be helpful. Keep your conversations boring. If you talk say on Tuesday, let her know you can talk again on Thursday, stick to that. Then slowly draw the time you are available to talk out a day or two at a time. Next time, past Thursday, maybe the next Tuesday. You get the gist.

This is your life paperlung, you get to choose who you spend your time with.

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind

[jhkbuzz]

The way I see it, I have two options: NC or LC. She has texted me every day since last Saturday. Today she sent me a picture of herself taken by someone else in front of the mall. She was wearing a backwards hat (probably belongs to whoever took the picture) and titled it "Swag". I never replied. I don't get it. She's been complaining to me how she has no friends but yet she's out at the mall with someone. Doesn't make sense to me. All this small talk doesn't sit well with me either.

Sounds you are doubting her assessment of her life ("no friends".  Is she lying?

It also sounds like you need to think about your boundaries since she doesn't have any.

I honestly don't know. Maybe she painted them black when she contacted me but now one or two of them are white again. I highly doubt I was the only person she contacted. Just look what she texted me on Monday:

"Im not gonna lie im a trainwreck right now. Im abusing my clonazepam and all sorts of crap. Not sleeping. Not really eating. Mixed up with the people from my past. I havent done any of the assignments the nurse told me to do. I just dont know. Im rendering 3 videos for work right now and i plan to take another pill after this."

There is nothing special about me. Anyone will do to soothe her.

What do you mean about the boundaries?

Pretty much what Suzn said - it's your life, you get to choose who you want to spend time with and energy on.  If you don't like the constant, random texts, you have to draw some boundaries.  :)on't respond right away, respond a few days later, etc. Decide what level of contact you're comfortable with and stick to it - no matter what she does.

[Suzn]

Just to be clear, Controlled Contact is a compassionate way to back away. It helps both of you with abandonment fears/issues. We all have them to a certain degree.

NC is only a tool until you have a better footing emotionally. It's not for punishment.

[paperlung]

I don't know who or what she thinks I am to her. Not long ago she sends me this meme titled "when you thought you lost him because you were acting crazy but then he messages you" and it had two pictures of Rihanna; one of her crying and one her looking happy.

I do not need to be sent this stuff from an ex-girlfriend who treated me like complete crap towards the end of our relationship.

It all makes sense to me now. Whoever she was dating probably broke up with her because she was acting crazy and that sent her off the deep end. Feeling lonely, she reaches out to me. She's done this exact same thing before. I only exist to fill a void.

Knowing this, I got mad and took a jab at her saying, "Haha. Not me, I knew when to call it quits!" And then she, "After like a year or something." I then said, "Should've been a lot sooner ." Then she told me to "get f***ed". If that got her mad at me, I won't mind.

I need to find a way out of this with her. First, I need her to pay me back. She gets paid on the 16th so hopefully that will be settled then. I also need to worry about getting my video game system back from her that I brought over the night I saw her.