She just hit me with the sledgehammer

[Nextinline]

I had posted previously on the L2 Board about never knowing anything about BPD and NPD.

It should have been put in this section but being a newbie I was a bit lost.

Well she has just hit me in the head with a sledgehammer... .but for the last time.

I have now blocked all phone calls, SMS and emails. The brutality of her email assault has shocked me to the core.

It all started last Friday when she was SMSing me and inquiring about how I was. I should not have responded but I allowed myself to be pulled in by her.

She eventually told me that she has met another guy and is now happy. She also told me that she had been seeing him for about 5 or so weeks. We have been separated now for 9 weeks so she has already hooked up with the new guy some 4 weeks after she left the house. And she only left the house only 2 weeks after we came back from the 6th overseas holiday that I took her on in 4 years.

So the speed at which all of this has happened has astonished me.

So she texted me again on Saturday night to ask me if I was ok. I didn't answer within her allocated time frame and then she shoots me an abusive text for not responding.

But today took the cake. I am sitting at my desk working and the emails started to arrive, accusing me of passive/aggressive behaviour for not responding to her text from Saturday night. The tone of the emails was getting progressively worse and I was being accused of being the single source of every negative thing that had ever happened to her in the last 4 years. The abuse was significant. She also admitted that she broke into my phone for a second time and went through phone numbers, emails and SMS trying to find out who I was talking to and whether I was keeping in touch with an ex-girlfriend.

It got to the point today that I had to say that we were to have no further contact with each other as there was nothing to be gained in sending such emails that were full of venom and blame for things that had happened in the past.

Her comment to me was "how typical that you are running away again, you gutless ass"... .

And then the sledgehammer blow. She told me that the "new guy had already proposed and they would be getting married by the end of the year and that no one had ever loved her like the new man!"

So I guess the new guy can afford the $35,000 Tiffany engagement ring she demanded from me, the new Mercedes that she demanded from me and the $2 million house that she demanded from me as well as the six monthly overseas holidays and luxury weekends away in between and the weekly showering of gifts and dinners to show how much she is loved... .yet another demand that was placed upon me. I wish him luck as I am sure she is still in the honeymoon phase with him and has not cut loose on him yet with any of her poisonous bile that spews out of her mouth when she loses it... .not to mention the physical assaults of face slapping and body punching that she unleashes in a tirade of uncontrollable anger when something doesn't go properly for her. Sadly it is the same behaviour that is visible in her identical twin sister.

I cannot describe how I feel at this moment. I am so numb from this. I had given this woman everything for 4 years... .a home, a loving family (I have 2 sons from my marriage that loved her), overseas holidays, weekends away, a lifestyle that was beyond anything that she had experienced before and I now finally get the head shot to put me out of my misery.

I just don't know how I will ever get over this. I am broken and at the moment feel as though I am beyond repair.

I don't believe that I deserved this.

[LonelyChild]

Be thankful for this; it helped you reach a decision. No, you don't deserve it. Never look back.

[Deeno02]

Passive/aggressive. Boy, they sure like to throw that one around. I was replaced within 2 weeks. I loved her and her 5 kids like I loved my own, who also loved her very much. It is what it is. While I couldn't do all those things you did, I still offered her a decent lifestyle while she pieced together her life. I never got to propose because she had dumped me by then, thus never got to see the engagement ring... .Thank god for that. We dodged a bullet. While it still hurts now and again, I'm getting better after 9 months out. You will too. Hang tough, stay NC. You've done what you can for someone who doesn't appreciate a damn thing.

[Nextinline]

Thank you for your support and guidance through this abject misery. I feel like my face has been rubbed in acid and she has enjoyed doing it.

The thing in all of this is that I can't find any reason to understand why it got to this stage of destruction.

Yeah I accept and admit that I did things that were not 100% perfect. I even stood in front of her and admitted that I did those things, that I took ownership of my failures, that I should have done better, that I will do better if she gives me another chance.

So after 4 years of giving her everything that I could, she decided that I wasn't worth a second chance to fix things... .when I had given her endless numbers of chances after she left and then came back. Even after an all expenses paid trip to the west coast of the States, she needed to leave me for a few days because she could not cope with the feeling of having nothing to look forward to after I had just spent 30 grand in giving her a 21 day holiday in the States! I feel so damn angry right now.

it's 1030pm at night when I write this. It hurts knowing that she is laying in some other guys bed after everything that I and both of my sons gave this women.

Am I venting or just feeling sorry for myself but WOW I feel so angry now.

[CloseToFreedom]

It may be hard to realise it now, but in the end you'll find out this is a blessing in disguise. You say you don't know how to get over it, but time will do that for you. Time APART FROM HER. I was in a disfunctional relationship for five years and when it was over I felt like I could never get over it, but a few months apart did the trick. I know, I know, it is NOT what you want to hear right now, but trust me and others; this is best for you. Give in to the pain, really feel it, and then start living again.

[DyingLove]

It may be hard to realise it now, but in the end you'll find out this is a blessing in disguise. You say you don't know how to get over it, but time will do that for you. Time APART FROM HER. I was in a disfunctional relationship for five years and when it was over I felt like I could never get over it, but a few months apart did the trick. I know, I know, it is NOT what you want to hear right now, but trust me and others; this is best for you. Give in to the pain, really feel it, and then start living again.

You ain't kiddin' CloseToFreedom, it's not what anyone wants to hear, time apart that is, but it is the way.  I'm 93 days post B/U, and I'm 58 days N/C as of today.  I'm still feelin' it and I know something is getting better, not always sure what that something is. But pain is my middle name!

[CloseToFreedom]

It may be hard to realise it now, but in the end you'll find out this is a blessing in disguise. You say you don't know how to get over it, but time will do that for you. Time APART FROM HER. I was in a disfunctional relationship for five years and when it was over I felt like I could never get over it, but a few months apart did the trick. I know, I know, it is NOT what you want to hear right now, but trust me and others; this is best for you. Give in to the pain, really feel it, and then start living again.

You ain't kiddin' CloseToFreedom, it's not what anyone wants to hear, time apart that is, but it is the way.  I'm 93 days post B/U, and I'm 58 days N/C as of today.  I'm still feelin' it and I know something is getting better, not always sure what that something is. But pain is my middle name!

Exactly. I went a few months N/C and now that she's trying to get into contact again, it really doesn't phase me. Haha. I feel... .cured!

That's what you need, topic starter. Time apart. Its the ONLY WAY.

[mitchell16]

I know its painful but maybe look it as a blessing. can you really imagine having a life with this person? Mine didnt demand money things but would throw up that her " friends" said that I didnt treat her like a queen. of course I never heard anything from her friends on this and once I told her that I would be confronting these friends about these things she would start backpeddling. so im sure it was  never said it was just a way of insulting me. I have been NC with mine since august. I got the raging emails, texts and voicemails and then it would alternate with begging, pouring her heart emails. texts and voice mails only to switch back to the raging insulting ones when I didnt respond. It was sad, hard, painful to stay NC but also the way it would switch back and forth was an eye opener to her mental iliiness and really sealed the deal for me. For once in the 3 years of crazyness i could see it clearly. I no longer wanted any part of her. yes, I was sad and still sometimes I still miss her,but I just could no longer do it and I also had to relize the hell my life would have been if I had married her and stayed. In the end, I lost nothing.

In my experience once they relize that they have lost control over their victim they start the insults, the raging they lost control and in the end I believe thats what its all about. I beleive they wll do anything they can to inflict pain on you.

[Mutt]

Hi Nextinline,

She eventually told me that she has met another guy and is now happy.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If someone is happy then you simply are, there's not really a need to pronounce it?

So she texted me again on Saturday night to ask me if I was ok. I didn't answer within her allocated time frame and then she shoots me an abusive text for not responding.

I think she's likely attention seeking and that's why she sent you a not-so nice text. You're not separated for long at 9 weeks. Do you think there's a possibility that she's not being truthful and she's hurt and trying to get your attention? I understand how upsetting this news is.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Nextinline,

I am so sorry for the pain of what you are going through.  Like the other comments, know you are NOT broken and NOT beyond repair.  Indeed, life is about to begin again without the face slaps, body punches and poisonous bile comments.

My ex's b/u behavior was so hard core extreme that it left me reeling.  But, truth be told, had it not been as bad as it was I may have gone back for another round. I am not sure I could have extricated myself without him acting the way he did. 

That scares me and embarrasses me because in every other area of my life I don't suffer fools.  But boy did I suffer him.  I am afraid I would have continued to for quite some time.  I hate what he did AND I am grateful he was so bad that there is NO going back.

As you'll hear on this board, NC is a means to an end and not the end itself.  But it is the proven (albeit often painful) way to get there.  We'll support you in the hell that is.  The good news is that NC is short-term hell while marriage to her would have been lifelong (not to mention expensive!) hell. 

Hang here with us.  We got you!

[ZeusRLX]

I just don't know how I will ever get over this. I am broken and at the moment feel as though I am beyond repair.

I don't believe that I deserved this.

You will. I was in the hospital for weeks after my first BPD BU and I'm here and I am doing better than EVER! I laugh about that experience now.

But I know the feeling. It feels like there was some kind of glass inside your chest and it just got shattered to pieces. And everything just feels broken, broken, broken, shattered into a billion little pieces.

Talk therapy worked wonders for me, see what you can do to take care of yourself when you feel this way.

And you will need to make some adjustments in the future to avoid BPD women from using you... .no Mercedeses for anyone.

I almost bought a few of them cars... .don't EVER fall for that, brother. Give them nothing. Nothing.

But until then, just heal and remember, you WILL be okay. It wasn't love, it was a seductive, deceptive, manipulative disgusting sick web she pulled you into.

Now you're out of it. You're in pain now but in the end you will feel relieved.

Be grateful that you're not the one who will be married to her. That alone is an incredible thing to be grateful for.

You WILL feel better, just give it time. And under no circumstances ever allow them to pull you back in. Be cold. Give them nothing.

[ZeusRLX]

Thank you for your support and guidance through this abject misery. I feel like my face has been rubbed in acid and she has enjoyed doing it.

The thing in all of this is that I can't find any reason to understand why it got to this stage of destruction.

Yeah I accept and admit that I did things that were not 100% perfect. I even stood in front of her and admitted that I did those things, that I took ownership of my failures, that I should have done better, that I will do better if she gives me another chance.

So after 4 years of giving her everything that I could, she decided that I wasn't worth a second chance to fix things... .when I had given her endless numbers of chances after she left and then came back. Even after an all expenses paid trip to the west coast of the States, she needed to leave me for a few days because she could not cope with the feeling of having nothing to look forward to after I had just spent 30 grand in giving her a 21 day holiday in the States! I feel so damn angry right now.

it's 1030pm at night when I write this. It hurts knowing that she is laying in some other guys bed after everything that I and both of my sons gave this women.

Am I venting or just feeling sorry for myself but WOW I feel so angry now.

It may be helpful to not think of her actions as that of a person but as ravings of a personality disorder because it is what they are.

Once I realize someone I am seeing has BPD, I don't see them as a rational human being capable of empathy, I see them as slaves of a disorder that wants to wreak havoc on my life.

So the only reason it got to this level is not because of anything that you did (other than allowing her to manipulate you) but because it's a destructive personality disorder.

Don't take it personally, she is just severely sick. But be cold and give her nothing. That is the best strategy. You're dealing with a disease so the best thing is to protect yourself the best you can.

[Trog]

She sounds like a treasure! Pass my sympathies onto the new guy.  

We all feel incredulous when we arrive here 'I did all that/this and I apologised for blah blah' - me too, so no judgement. But read what you wrote! She's foul and she treats you like crud, you have so much to give across the board it sounds like and you are putting your coat over puddles for someone who treats you poorly. I did it too.

There's no doubt you are better off away from this woman, it's hard to see when you are fresh out, because you have clearly invested a lot, you did a lot and you expect a fair deal in return. Won't happen. She showed you she's a grabby, entitled woman, you think she's going to consider all you've done for her. Negative!

I know it hurts, and we're all here to help you along and just to let you know, the smoke clears, the pain subdues and all you're left wondering is 'what the heck'

[FannyB]

Nextinline

Sorry you've had to go through this - but it's better to know the horrible truth than live a lie.   In relationship terms you've been swimming in shark infested waters - now you've got to stop bemoaning the loss of a limb and start celebrating the fact that you've emerged battered but alive from your encounter with a heartless predator! The next guy might not be so lucky... .financial settlements, maintenance, a raid on their pension fund! Count your blessings you're not him and read the stories on these boards to ensure it doesn't happen to you again - there's lots of these gals out there! 

[Nextinline]

To all of you that have responded to my post I want to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart.

I am overwhelmed by the support that you are showing an absolute stranger.

I feel very humble that you have allowed me to post my experience here and that you have all taken the time to read it and respond.

At least I managed to get a better night's sleep last night. Hopefully that will be the start of a new trend for me as I start to move forward.

I re-read some of the deleted emails I received from her yesterday. The things that have shocked me in them was that she was continually breaking into my phone, reading text messages and emails. She was stalking me virtually and appeared to be so paranoid that I was keeping in touch with an ex-gf when I was doing no such thing. I did find out that the ex-gf had contracted MS about 2 years ago and when I expressed some concern for her I was screamed at relentlessly. I guess from that point she was breaking into my phone to keep tabs on me.

I think there may have been some serious trust issues. On the other side though,her mobile never left her side and I caught her regularly hiding in the bathroom sending text messages to people. I am not the suspicious or jealous type so it never really worried me.

The other major comments in her emails from yesterday were all about the amount of hurt that I caused her and that it was all my fault and that I should be a man and apologise, again, for all of these things that I did which broke her heart.

So it is the best that I just have no contact with her again. I will always be seen by her as the devil and she will never take responsibility for the hurt, stress, pressure and abuse that I copped from her over the years.

I am hoping now that she moves on and leaves me alone. After all, she is getting married to a guy she has "allegedly" known for 6 weeks, so she should be happy! But if you are that happy then why would you keep contacting your ex just to tell them how happy you are?

Too much damage done now. Best to have no association with her ever again... .despite her almost zealous approach to remaining in contact with me as a "friend". Can't help but think that she is trying to keep me in the cupboard just in case the new guy is not the shiny new penny that she thinks he is.

Once again, thank you to everyone who has read and responded to my posts.

Cheers

NiL

[JRT]

And then the sledgehammer blow. She told me that the "new guy had already proposed and they would be getting married by the end of the year and that no one had ever loved her like the new man!"[/quote]
Keep in mind that even outside of the framework of BPD, this is a rebound r/s... .it is HIGHLY unlikely that it will last very long if even to the altar. There is far more evidence that it will fail and fail MISERABLY that supports the notion that it will succeed. I would put money not only on the wheels falling off before the wedding, but when they do, that she will seek you out and attempt a recycle.

[Nextinline]

And then the sledgehammer blow. She told me that the "new guy had already proposed and they would be getting married by the end of the year and that no one had ever loved her like the new man!"

Keep in mind that even outside of the framework of BPD, this is a rebound r/s... .it is HIGHLY unlikely that it will last very long if even to the altar. There is far more evidence that it will fail and fail MISERABLY that supports the notion that it will succeed. I would put money not only on the wheels falling off before the wedding, but when they do, that she will seek you out and attempt a recycle. [/quote]
JRT

Thank you for responding so promptly. I had not considered this aspect for a moment. I was just in complete shock that she had moved on so quickly and to the extent that she had... .meaning talking about getting married to the new guy!

I can't help but feel that this clinging behaviour that she has demonstrated since day 1 with me will soon become evident with the new guy and I fear for her that if this one fails then she will collapse badly and may seriously consider self harm... .as she has attempted that before.

That kind of thing brings out the "whit knight" protective behaviour in me and I have to ensure that I keep that very much in check and do not allow myself to get pulled in again!

Thank you for you insight as it is certainly not what I would have considered.

Cheers

NiL

[JRT]

I had meant to say that I am sorry that you are going through all of this... .its very hard to believe that someone that you loved so much for so long would just pull the cork on your r/s and then agree to marry someone only days afterwards; sledgehammer to say the least.

Consider also that whomever it was that proposed to her in that short of time: if that man had any kind of self esteem, good looks, or something real to offer her or anyone else, he wouldn't be risking at all on what is clearly a hasty roll of the dice by proposing in such a short amount of time. Betcha he is hideous, broke, stupid, impotent and God knows what else! If the BPD doesn't crash the parade, she will likely wake up one day and gnaw her arm off and run with all that she can carry.

On a serious note, the basis for an upcoming recycle is being planted right now. If you are convinced that that r/s will fail... .AND if she has no where to run when it does... .she will look high and low and find the most easily securable host with who to attach... .not to say that it will be you, but you will be one of the first targets.

[Nextinline]

WOW.

I forgot to block my work phone. She has been texting me all day begging me to not block her out. She has been telling me how much she loves me and can't get by in life if I am not in it.

Then the abuse starts again about everything that I have ever said and done in the past and is blaming me for all the hurt and pain she now feels. And then she says she is only telling me the truth and I am too gutless to accept it or apologise for it.

And then she comes back begging me to unblock her.

Is this normal behaviour for anyone person?

I have told her one last time that I will not let her berate me any more and that I will no longer have any contact with her.

This is just killing me.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

NIL, sadly, this is not atypical.  It completely sucks, but it is not unusual and you are not alone.  Stay the course!

Check out this thread for confirmation and support:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276767.0

And keep on posting!

[Mutt]

WOW.

I forgot to block my work phone. She has been texting me all day begging me to not block her out. She has been telling me how much she loves me and can't get by in life if I am not in it.

Then the abuse starts again about everything that I have ever said and done in the past and is blaming me for all the hurt and pain she now feels. And then she says she is only telling me the truth and I am too gutless to accept it or apologise for it.

And then she comes back begging me to unblock her.

Is this normal behaviour for anyone person?

I have told her one last time that I will not let her berate me any more and that I will no longer have any contact with her.

This is just killing me.

A criteria for BPD is a fear of abandonment perceived or real and she's triggered and you're getting the incessant text messages. She sees herself and the world in black or white and has difficulties seeing the grey areas in life.

She's seeing you all good and telling that she loves you; you're split white.

A pwBOD feel a lot if shame and guilt and insecurities and split their negative feelings and actions and project those feelings on loved ones.

That being said; it sounds like she may of been  trying to get your attention with the other guy, maybe she's not attached or they could be broken up? What's the back-story are you certain there's another man from what's been disclosed in this thread?

From my experience and everyone's exe partner is different with different traits and personalities, I couldn't take my exe's word because she dissociates often, she's secretive and would say things because she feels insecure about herself and is trying to make herself look less inferior. I can't take her at face value and have to check sources.

[Nextinline]

WOW.

I forgot to block my work phone. She has been texting me all day begging me to not block her out. She has been telling me how much she loves me and can't get by in life if I am not in it.

Then the abuse starts again about everything that I have ever said and done in the past and is blaming me for all the hurt and pain she now feels. And then she says she is only telling me the truth and I am too gutless to accept it or apologise for it.

And then she comes back begging me to unblock her.

Is this normal behaviour for anyone person?

I have told her one last time that I will not let her berate me any more and that I will no longer have any contact with her.

This is just killing me.

A criteria for BPD is a fear of abandonment perceived or real and she's triggered and you're getting the incessant text messages. She sees herself and the world in black or white and has difficulties seeing the grey areas in life.

She's seeing you all good and telling that she loves you; you're split white.

A pwBOD feel a lot if shame and guilt and insecurities and split their negative feelings and actions and project those feelings on loved ones.

That being said; it sonda like she may of been in trying to get your attention with the other guy, maybe she's not attached or they could be broken up? What's the back-story are you certain there's another man from what's been disclosed in this thread?

From my experience and everyone's exe partner us different with different traits and personalities, I couldn't take my exe's word because she dissociates often, she's secretive and would say things because she feels insecure about herself and is trying to make herself look less inferior. I can't take her at face value and have to check sources.

Hi Mutt

She has managed to confuse the daylights out of me now.

She told me on Friday by text that she was in a relationship with a new man yet she texted me on Saturday night asking if I was ok. Because I did not respond, the emails yesterday were vicious and then the sledgehammer of getting married was wheeled out and used to hit me over the head with yesterday.

She now tells me via SMS today that she is "not getting married, not getting engaged and not pregnant"... .

And she has incessantly gone on and on about not being able to speak to me as she said she can't live her life without me in it. Her emotions are all over the place right now and she has no consistency at all.

So I have no idea what is happening in her head or what she is trying to do with me.

This is all new territory for me and I have no idea what is happening.

Personally I think she has an a meltdown today as she said she has been too sick to go to work today and that the sickness she is feeling is because of me not being in her life since I blocked her out of everything and cut contact with her.

I am out of my depth on this one.

HELP!

[Mutt]

And she has incessantly gone on and on about not being able to speak to me as she said she can't live her life without me in it. Her emotions are all over the place right now and she has no consistency at all.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like she's emotionally dysregulated. It takes one person to end the r/s. You were on Undecided and moved to Leaving and now she says she's not engaged, getting married or pregnant. The vicious emails are because she's hurt and feels threatened with abandonment.

An option is you could go to the Staying Board and learn the tools? I'm not telling you what to do and I do think that she's emotionally dysregulated and her fear of abandonment is triggered. I'm sorry I don't know your back-story and I can tell she's inflicted a lot of pain with her words and actions. You're also welcome to stay here if you're done and we'll support you.

[JRT]

She now tells me via SMS today that she is "not getting married, not getting engaged and not pregnant"... .[/quote]
I wonder if this was some sort of tactic to get your attention... .it failed and now she is upset... .the tantrum not unlike that of a child when they have not gotten their way... .

[Nextinline]

Guys this is all new ground to me. As you can see she is doing my head in.

I posted in L2 because of a rookie error. It should have been posted here.

The thing here is that she left me. I did not leave her. I begged not to leave and to try and work things through. She refused.

I do think there is someone else on the scene and he has been there for some time.

I have no intention of trying to reconcile as there is so much of these problems that are in her head. Her view of reality is distorted and does not reflect mine at all.

So me looking at another section at this stage is possibly not what I need as I am trying to block her out. I left one avenue open due to error and ended up having an SMS conversation that started out with her begging me to let her into my life, transformed to total abuse about things that happened 3 years ago and then back to being nice to me.

This is the nature of the rollercoaster that my life has been with her for 4 years.

[Mutt]

Block the SMS messages; go no contact and ignore.

Her behaviors are going to get worst until things get better.

Share with us. We'll be there every step of the way brother.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[gomez_addams]

Dude,

You'll be fine.  Not today.  Probably not 2015. 

Read the story about the scorpion and the frog.  It's her nature.

Gomez

[Nextinline]

I read about the scorpion and the frog on this site. It is so true, it is just the way they are hard wired.

And Mutt, thanks for the support mate! You have no idea of how much I appreciate the support and kind words from my "virtual brothers and sisters" who have trodden this path before me.

[Invictus01]

Not to make light of your situation, but I almost wish mine did the same thing. It would be so much easier for me in the beginning to leave and not look back. Not saying that I wouldn't be shocked and awed the day it happened like you are, but when somebody disrespects you to this degree, it is kind of tough not to say "You know what, I don't need this crap in my life."

[Deeno02]

Block, delete, block again, delete some more. Total NC. Block her on everything you can and do it quick. Read up on triangulation as this sounds like what she's up to.