Irony

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

October  10th 2014 I was sat at my desk and heard the words " someone needs to come in on Saturday" a deep voice said " I'll do it, got nothing better to do". I looked up and said, " how sad is that" ?. He turned to look at me, smiled and said " I know". Someone explained 10 minutes later he was 3 months out of a 21 year old partnership and was taking it very badly, including the loss of his 17 year old, disturbed son.
I was mortified. Later outside having a smoke I went over to him and apologised. He said " that's ok" looked into my eyes and that was it. Then began the most incredible mad bad and sad time of my life. 10 weeks of absolute blissful heaven, something I had been waiting for all my life, his too apparently. A hard, fast, dizzying whirlwind of joy and pleasure, love and intimacy I had never known the like of.
Yesterday 2 years, 2 months and 14 days of the most bewildering miserable soul destroying heartbreaking time of my life later my manager said to me " Someone needs to come in on Saturday" " I'll do it I replied, got nothing better to do".
The words hit me hard, the irony total, my loss and grief is devastating me again after months of NC I enforced until I accidentally saw him the other day. I am like I child, I want our beginning again and I know I can't have it. I don't know what to do with this misery, I feel drenched in sadness. Some of you know me from the last couple of years, I write poems, I wrote this one 5 minutes ago but  I can't finish it. My head is numb again. I understand the illness, I know the outcomes it's just the emotion I can't cope with. I don't know what to do.
 
I remember when you called me babe with love light in your eye
I remember when you raised your face to kiss when I walked bye
I remember holding hands so tight as down the street we walked
The nights by firelight flickering soft the music as we talked.
I remember thinking, this is what my life's been waiting for
A rainbows end, my pot of gold I couldn't ask for more.
I remember when your face got black you shouted at me loud
Your mouth once kissed with love was twisted, darkness like a cloud
I didn't know what I'd done wrong but sure I must be bad
I must try harder for your sake I mustn't make you mad
You tortured me withheld your love I grovelled at your feet
I'm sickened by the lengths I went for your demands to meet
The more I loved and tried the more you ground me into dirt
The more I tried to understand the more you tried to hurt.
UNFINISHED.
Sorry.
Love from
Sadly x

[Sadly]

October  10th 2014 I was sat at my desk and heard the words " someone needs to come in on Saturday" a deep voice said " I'll do it, got nothing better to do". I looked up and said, " how sad is that" ?. He turned to look at me, smiled and said " I know". Someone explained 10 minutes later he was 3 months out of a 21 year old partnership and was taking it very badly, including the loss of his 17 year old, disturbed son.
I was mortified. Later outside having a smoke I went over to him and apologised. He said " that's ok" looked into my eyes and that was it. Then began the most incredible mad bad and sad time of my life. 10 weeks of absolute blissful heaven, something I had been waiting for all my life, his too apparently. A hard, fast, dizzying whirlwind of joy and pleasure, love and intimacy I had never known the like of.
Yesterday 2 years, 2 months and 14 days of the most bewildering miserable soul destroying heartbreaking time of my life later my manager said to me " Someone needs to come in on Saturday" " I'll do it I replied, got nothing better to do".
The words hit me hard, the irony total, my loss and grief is devastating me again after months of NC I enforced until I accidentally saw him the other day. I am like I child, I want our beginning again and I know I can't have it. I don't know what to do with this misery, I feel drenched in sadness. Some of you know me from the last couple of years, I write poems, I wrote this one 5 minutes ago but  I can't finish it. My head is numb again. I understand the illness, I know the outcomes it's just the emotion I can't cope with. I don't know what to do.
 
I remember when you called me babe with love light in your eye
I remember when you raised your face to kiss when I walked bye
I remember holding hands so tight as down the street we walked
The nights by firelight flickering soft the music as we talked.
I remember thinking, this is what my life's been waiting for
A rainbows end, my pot of gold I couldn't ask for more.
I remember when your face got black you shouted at me loud
Your mouth once kissed with love was twisted, darkness like a cloud
I didn't know what I'd done wrong but sure I must be bad
I must try harder for your sake I mustn't make you mad
You tortured me withheld your love I grovelled at your feet
I'm sickened by the lengths I went for your demands to meet
The more I loved and tried the more you ground me into dirt
The more I tried to understand the more you tried to hurt.
UNFINISHED.
Sorry.
Love from
Sadly x

[earlyL]

This is a beautiful poem, I feel every line of it. I totally understand what you are going through. I wish I could give you the magic words to take away some of the emotion but we both know it isn't that simple. I read your previous post about being physically sick, I had a similar experience, I have taken comfort in peoples responses that this is our bodies protecting ourselves, because it knows the pain we have been through. it is quite an incredible reaction, I had no idea our guts were so clever.

I also wonder how you feel about the poem - do you want to finish it? or does finishing it make it feel like an end? I have written so much in a journal through the last couple of months and I have reached a point where I don't want to at times, like it is too much, that I can't quite let go yet. I know that time will come but I am not ready to accept everything that has happened.

Hang in there, we are here for you, keep posting.
Sending lots of love

[Sadly]

Thank you EarlyL, I don't know about the poem, not sure what happened. Normally when I write the words just flow out, I rarely have to stop or makes things fit but I suddenly stopped, my brain froze, is the best way to describe it, nothing came out and then I thought, that must be the end then, but it's an odd sort of end. Maybe it's significant I just don't know. The whole day is weird and sad, the full circle repeating the words yesterday that were our beginning all that time ago. Feel such a mess. Thank you for being here, I really don't know what I would do without you all.
Love from
Sadly x

[Duped 1]

Sadly I feel your pain. My story is also in your poem. It is very well written and you are obviously very talented. Mine crushes my soul and she could care less after idolizing me and pressuring me to marry. You should finish the poem

Thanks for sharing

[Sadly]

Thank you Duped, am so sorry you hurt too. The shock when the devaluation starts is huge and bewildering isn't it. Soul crushing indeed. I will read it again and see if any more comes, otherwise maybe it is finished. Thank you for your thoughts and words, I so hope peace comes to us both soon.
Love from
Sadly x