Feeling of loneliness

[happylogist]

I always felt somehow that I am lonely, no matter whether it was in the company or with someone close - with my ex bfs or with my husband - there is a feeling of being lonely.  Even when I was a child or growing up - it was there.

With my ex BPDbf that feeling faded away during the honeymoon phase, but then it came with even more clarity during the push/pull.  This is when I looked back at myself and realized that this was always there. While with him I felt I am not (maybe because of mirroring?), but had is stronger - when he started detaching. I acknowledge my self-perception of me with that dash of loneliness comes from my childhood, but I do not know why. I grew up in relatively happy family, there was no abuse or violence, no death or strong abandonment.

Obviously objectively I am not lonely - I have a small but loving family, I have really good friends, I love being surrounded with close people, I do not have any serious social phobias. Nevertheless, the feeling of loneliness is back again... .It is not very acute, it is just the background of my mood and my being.

I wonder whether it is something that others felt as well?

[rosannadanna]

Hi happy,

I can identify with you.  I think there are several variables at play for me.  I think I identify very closely with the "lonely child" schema.  Here is a link to the thread in which this is discussed thoroughly:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

Also, there was some discussion on here a while back on "the highly sensitive" person.  In reading some of the characteristics, I think I fall into this realm somewhat.  Highly sensitve people tend to observe their enviromment very thoroughly before taking action and can appear shy or introverted.  Having some of these traits can be isolating sometimes.

Lastly, for me, my mother pervasively struggled with depression and modelled off the charts codependent traits.  I inherited (both biologically and environmently) clinical depression, along with a good dose of codependent traits.  I manage my depression through healthful/mindful lifestyle and meds, but I know when my symptoms are creeping in b/c I have a distinct feeling of being a "ghost" when I am with people.  It's a very weird, scary feeling to feel nonexistent.

Footnote comment on codependency:  I think these traits can cause feelings of isolation sometimes.  I used to have a belief system that led me to over-caretake others then have anger or self-pity b/c they didn't caretake me.  That can make people feel lonely, IMO.

Well, that's me.  Take care and best wishes on your journey!

[Lucky Jim]

I can relate, as well, and suspect that those feelings of loneliness may have made me particularly susceptible to a pwBPD.  Now I can enjoy solitude and quiet contemplation after years of turmoil and drama in a BPD marriage.  My Ex and I were formally divorced this year and I welcome the opportunity to get to know myself again.  I guess what I'm saying, happylogist, is that being alone can be beneficial at times.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[happylogist]

Rosannadanna,

It was so helpful! Thank you for your link and the message. I am slowly processing the information, but certainly it makes so much sense now. It is incredible - I also do not think about my ex as I used to before.

I was raised as an "adult child", my mom had a difficult life with having so much to do and at the same time being chronically anxious and my dad always traveling for his work and being not at home, being emotionally reserved. She has never been diagnosed as having depression, but certainly had a strong PTSD (2 deaths in the family in one year, a new born child, war). Because I was the eldest sibling I internalized the behavior of an adult (or at least my understanding of that), which was positively validated by my mom. I was her friend, confident and in a way a caretaker. 

I often shift balance in my relationship with friends and family and become a co-dependent care-taker, basically repeating the same patterns and having the high of being needed (which I read as being loved) initially.  But at one point after I give-give-give, I feel that it is very difficult for me to take without a clear understanding that I myself modeled that relationship... .and feel lonely and not loved, for being loved for what I do, rather than for I am - unconditionally, spontaneously and intensely.

The dynamics between Abusive (Borderline) and Lonely Child written by 2010 was a painful script of my relationship with my ex.

Lucky Jim,

I agree with you completely regarding this sentence:

I can relate, as well, and suspect that those feelings of loneliness may have made me particularly susceptible to a pwBPD.

After having a short intense affair with my exBPD and a year of very painful LDR online communication with push/pull, define/redefine of our relationship,  I am re-building my relationship with my nonBPD husband.  It is difficult and painful at times, but it is a journey of self-discovery and understanding of how "corrupt" my ideas of love and giving used to be.

Hope you are enjoying your solitude  

[musicfan42]

Hi Happylogist,

I feel like this. I think it has a lot to do with the feelings of emptiness that I experience. I use coping tools to deal with the emptiness but it never fully goes away... this feeling that I'll never be happy... no matter what I do... wherever I go. It's not about how many friends & family I have in my life or my relationships... It's an internal feeling that seems to be there regardless of what's going on in my life... a gnawing sensation. I'm prone to depression so I think that's probably what it is. I could try to analyze this for ages but there's no point as far as I'm concerned... I just keep really busy... don't allow myself to think about it.

[Suzn]

I welcome the opportunity to get to know myself again. 

This is a good point and what I was thinking when reading your thread happylogist. Who are you? The question sounds simple enough, though it is far from simple. There are many complexities that make you who you are... your upbringing, your life experiences, your goals, your spirituality, your likes and dislikes. I know this little feeling of loneliness or simply seeing it as alone. I found that the more I focused on exploring who I was it helped this feeling quite a bit. Trying new things sometimes to see what I like or dislike was interesting. The there were things I went back to that I hadn't done in years that I use to do that I enjoyed, such as reading for example. 

What are some things you can do to get to know you better?

[happylogist]

Thanks for your reply and advice, suzn!

It made me think and look back again

I think intuitively I started pushing my limits and testing me at the end of my relationship. I always dreamed to fly, but never had guts - I did, I started drawing again, which I stopped doing for ten years or so, did some other things. Maybe at the time it was also a way to distract myself from being high on him. In a way meeting and being with him was an escape from myself and my loneliness as part of my identity, so I am slowly returning back to myself.