How many times can she use fear, obligation and guilt. It appears 5

[Moselle]

My separated uBPDw phoned today to ask for money for a detox programme.

She tried nice, and I said "no". She got very upset, then she tried guilt ("you always say no", then she tried fear ("I've given you an ultimatum", then she tried obligation ("its your duty", then fear ("I'm going to die if I'm not healthy", then fear again ("I'm angry now"

I said very calmly, "I really don't care if you get angry"

"I'm happy to explore other ways for you to detox"

I remembered this is a person with a serious mental illness, and I was able to remain calm and aloof during the threats.

I'm pretty angry now though, and the one about dying if she doesn't detox has me giggling a bit :-)

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[Boss302]

My separated uBPDw phoned today to ask for money for a detox programme.

She tried nice, and I said "no". She got very upset, then she tried guilt ("you always say no", then she tried fear ("I've given you an ultimatum", then she tried obligation ("its your duty", then fear ("I'm going to die if I'm not healthy", then fear again ("I'm angry now"

I said very calmly, "I really don't care if you get angry"

"I'm happy to explore other ways for you to detox"

I remembered this is a person with a serious mental illness, and I was able to remain calm and aloof during the threats.

I'm pretty angry now though

You have a right to be angry. No one should ever put you under that kind of stress. But talking about it is HUGE. And kudos on making her responsible for her own detox. 

[Moselle]

Thanks Boss, it's been quite a journey.

After 14 years of marriage to my uBPDw, and 7 months on this site, I can consider today's discussion a massive achievement for me. I held my boundaries, and said when she was infringing. I stayed calm and her being angry did not make me feel like I need to 'fix' it, probably for the first time ever.

I see from your status, that you're divorced. Could I ask how you made that decision? I assume your ex was BPD?

[Boss302]

Thanks Boss, it's been quite a journey.

After 14 years of marriage to my uBPDw, and 7 months on this site, I can consider today's discussion a massive achievement for me. I held my boundaries, and said when she was infringing. I stayed calm and her being angry did not make me feel like I need to 'fix' it, probably for the first time ever.

I see from your status, that you're divorced. Could I ask how you made that decision? I assume your ex was BPD?

It feels really good to be able to say "I let go this time," doesn't it? The good news is that before long that becomes a very good habit.

But it took me a LONG time to get to that point - probably three years after leaving her and probably a year or so after the divorce being final. And I'm not 100% perfect - every once in a while I catch myself engaging with her emotionally (like a couple of weeks back - I raised my voice to her on the phone). But for the most part, I mainly ignore her now unless there's some pressing issue with the kids that needs immediate resolution. And thankfully, since her parenting time is limited to a couple of weekends a month, they're with me the overwhelming majority of the time so, there's not much in the way of immediate kid crises anymore. 

The next thing that happened is that I figured out why I was angry with her - it wasn't necessarily that she kept doing the same old crap, but that I WASN'T ABLE TO FIX HER, EVEN BY LEAVING HER. It took a long time to figure that one out too.

It's definitely a process, and you'll stumble (I still do), but simply being where you are is a HUGE step forward. Once you figure out what the anger is over, then you'll be able to take another step forward.

[Panda39]

My separated uBPDw phoned today to ask for money for a detox programme.

She tried nice, and I said "no". She got very upset, then she tried guilt ("you always say no", then she tried fear ("I've given you an ultimatum", then she tried obligation ("its your duty", then fear ("I'm going to die if I'm not healthy", then fear again ("I'm angry now"

I said very calmly, "I really don't care if you get angry"

"I'm happy to explore other ways for you to detox"

I remembered this is a person with a serious mental illness, and I was able to remain calm and aloof during the threats.

I'm pretty angry now though, and the one about dying if she doesn't detox has me giggling a bit :-)

I think you saw this for exactly what it was and handled it beautifully   now just let the anger go and don't stop finding the humor in the nuttiness of it all   

[Moselle]

[quote author=Panda39 link=topic=230805.msg12474712#msg12474712

I think you saw this for exactly what it was and handled it beautifully   now just let the anger go and don't stop finding the humor in the nuttiness of it all    [/quote]
Thanks Panda. Amazingly, we just had a positive discussion about when "no" is "no", and she agrees we should respect that.