Who in their right ‘mind’?: the positive aspect and breach of contact.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

She called this morning.First time since the morning of the ‘police’ call two weeks go. I didn’t answer. The time she called was the time of day where she’d return from work, shower and crawl into bed with me. I missed her a lot last night. It almost made me angry the emotional shutoff. The ‘no big deals’ turned into delusional and dramatic maelstroms. I spoke it over with a friend who reminded me how I learned to keep a packed bag by the door of my apartment just in case I had to ‘run’/‘escape’. I watched part 1 of the Beatles Get Back and contemplated lasting dysfunctional relationships. The Fab Four, Patty and George, John and Yokohama, Paul and Linda, Ringo and Maureen. When that footage was shot no one knew where those relationships would end, if they would end. Jump ahead to now and we know. I watched the Beatles communicate  with each other and utilizing the skills they learned over all that time to communicate civilly. Also see how despite that: John was John, Paul was Paul, George was George, Ringo was Ringo. I didn’t answer.
  I was hoping(hope again) for a voicemail or follow up text or email but nothing. I honestly didn’t know what to do so I googled : nc broken by ex Bpd gf what do I do. The post read :wait 3 hours to respond if you are going to. Hour one went so slow.Hour 2 I called my mom and expressed my desire to keep on this path and my hunches that this call may coincide with my ex having taken on someone else, waking up after to either argue or be sweet with me as to justify her choice to do so. I remarked at how even just having that thought reminds me of how much work it all requires, how much thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. How that’s what it did then, consumed my thoughts when I wasn’t with her wrapping my brain or at least trying to around all the experiences to see where I stand. And where did I stand when had those thoughts? Alone..not beside her but alone. There has been a lot of alone considering I was in a relationship. Hour 3, I wrote this instead.
 If it’s important she can leave a message. Put it in writing by friend says. Then the thought came to me. How can I use this to grow and heal, to move forward?

 The closure hypothesis:
   In a way that call can maybe count for some sort of closure. There it is, she reached out to me. Yell, scream, speak lovingly who knows what waited on the other end of the line. What does it matter.in some capacity she is checking in. Why not accept the possibility maybe a little empathy is peaking through. Maybe not. It’s better than being on the phone defending myself or being toyed with. Being lured back with little increments of love and disgust. None of that sounds good to me. I hope for better so put this hope to use. I hope she was calling to be positive and civil. Compassionate,considerate and sweet like the woman I miss yet never really was there.

 The Ghost
 Well she ghosted me till now. You ever have that feeling like you are holding or being held by your ex though you aren’t together, dude by side? Maybe not but I have and it first I chased it away. When it returned this time I let the ghost alone. It held me and I her. Instead of the fear and sorrow I felt the warmth and kindness. As I did I thought, I’m okay and this ghost is rather comforting. Unconditional. Imaginary? How does that differ from when we were together, I thought to myself.( I know ‘ghosting’ refers to silent treatment etc)

The positive side of the false allegation
  I decided last night to try and find a positive side to the ‘false allegation’. Considering any conversation that tries to offer the other side of the story just seems to lend itself to the turmoil of conflict to which I say , fine. I’ll not try to offer the other side of the argument (again I want to state we aren’t communicating back and forth, this is me and my brain processing) I will choose instead seeing a bright side to the allegation. The more I tried to do it the more ridiculous my ‘bright side’ became. Like a lengthy explanation that seems to go nowhere. Almost as if I were now dissecting the allegation and when this occurred, how much more ridiculous and less impactful the allegation: it had no power over me, not anymore. I no longer was feeling this sense of needing to be understood or need to defend my case. There was no case, just a control measure backed by a delusion drummed up by my Ill ex-gf. Now mind you I knew these things all along but the PTSD I suffer from makes it hard to gain clarity when in its throes but besides that. Looking back at it and seeing that : ‘wow actually nothing really happened’
 Well almost nothing.
 The police were called and it was an impulsive, unwarranted, unnecessary and abusive display of power.

 About 5 or so hours later I sent a text. ‘Sorry I missed you, what’s up?’ Why, you ask? It was difficult to do. We do still have the house and lease to work out. I felt even as I sent it, ‘god I wish I didn’t have to do this’, and I guess I didn’t have to but we need a small channel of communication. As I write that I realize that means for any little bit I allow myself to communicate, which in truth is ‘engaging’ I just need to toughen up and be wise and careful in my dialogue. Tend to my emotions and set and follow personal boundaries. Don’t discuss the past, reconciliation, big gushings of apologies, just stick to task and keep moving forward. To remember who I am and not be pushed around yet maintain peace and peaceful dialogue if any at all. I do wish however that we didn’t live together as I do think I wouldn’t communicate at all. I feel for anyone who shares children with their ex Bpd. You have to still communicate even though you know it’s be so much healthier for all parties if you didn’t.
 Well there is my abstract attempt to weather the changes of the mental preoccupation with less heartache and more optimism.  It’s not an easy journey, nothing short of a struggle but as sad as it is, I’m so thankful I didn’t suffer worse.

[Firsttimefather]

She called this morning.First time since the morning of the ‘police’ call two weeks go. I didn’t answer. The time she called was the time of day where she’d return from work, shower and crawl into bed with me. I missed her a lot last night. It almost made me angry the emotional shutoff. The ‘no big deals’ turned into delusional and dramatic maelstroms. I spoke it over with a friend who reminded me how I learned to keep a packed bag by the door of my apartment just in case I had to ‘run’/‘escape’. I watched part 1 of the Beatles Get Back and contemplated lasting dysfunctional relationships. The Fab Four, Patty and George, John and Yokohama, Paul and Linda, Ringo and Maureen. When that footage was shot no one knew where those relationships would end, if they would end. Jump ahead to now and we know. I watched the Beatles communicate  with each other and utilizing the skills they learned over all that time to communicate civilly. Also see how despite that: John was John, Paul was Paul, George was George, Ringo was Ringo. I didn’t answer.
  I was hoping(hope again) for a voicemail or follow up text or email but nothing. I honestly didn’t know what to do so I googled : nc broken by ex Bpd gf what do I do. The post read :wait 3 hours to respond if you are going to. Hour one went so slow.Hour 2 I called my mom and expressed my desire to keep on this path and my hunches that this call may coincide with my ex having taken on someone else, waking up after to either argue or be sweet with me as to justify her choice to do so. I remarked at how even just having that thought reminds me of how much work it all requires, how much thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. How that’s what it did then, consumed my thoughts when I wasn’t with her wrapping my brain or at least trying to around all the experiences to see where I stand. And where did I stand when had those thoughts? Alone..not beside her but alone. There has been a lot of alone considering I was in a relationship. Hour 3, I wrote this instead.
 If it’s important she can leave a message. Put it in writing by friend says. Then the thought came to me. How can I use this to grow and heal, to move forward?

 The closure hypothesis:
   In a way that call can maybe count for some sort of closure. There it is, she reached out to me. Yell, scream, speak lovingly who knows what waited on the other end of the line. What does it matter.in some capacity she is checking in. Why not accept the possibility maybe a little empathy is peaking through. Maybe not. It’s better than being on the phone defending myself or being toyed with. Being lured back with little increments of love and disgust. None of that sounds good to me. I hope for better so put this hope to use. I hope she was calling to be positive and civil. Compassionate,considerate and sweet like the woman I miss yet never really was there.

 The Ghost
 Well she ghosted me till now. You ever have that feeling like you are holding or being held by your ex though you aren’t together, dude by side? Maybe not but I have and it first I chased it away. When it returned this time I let the ghost alone. It held me and I her. Instead of the fear and sorrow I felt the warmth and kindness. As I did I thought, I’m okay and this ghost is rather comforting. Unconditional. Imaginary? How does that differ from when we were together, I thought to myself.( I know ‘ghosting’ refers to silent treatment etc)

The positive side of the false allegation
  I decided last night to try and find a positive side to the ‘false allegation’. Considering any conversation that tries to offer the other side of the story just seems to lend itself to the turmoil of conflict to which I say , fine. I’ll not try to offer the other side of the argument (again I want to state we aren’t communicating back and forth, this is me and my brain processing) I will choose instead seeing a bright side to the allegation. The more I tried to do it the more ridiculous my ‘bright side’ became. Like a lengthy explanation that seems to go nowhere. Almost as if I were now dissecting the allegation and when this occurred, how much more ridiculous and less impactful the allegation: it had no power over me, not anymore. I no longer was feeling this sense of needing to be understood or need to defend my case. There was no case, just a control measure backed by a delusion drummed up by my Ill ex-gf. Now mind you I knew these things all along but the PTSD I suffer from makes it hard to gain clarity when in its throes but besides that. Looking back at it and seeing that : ‘wow actually nothing really happened’
 Well almost nothing.
 The police were called and it was an impulsive, unwarranted, unnecessary and abusive display of power.

 About 5 or so hours later I sent a text. ‘Sorry I missed you, what’s up?’ Why, you ask? It was difficult to do. We do still have the house and lease to work out. I felt even as I sent it, ‘god I wish I didn’t have to do this’, and I guess I didn’t have to but we need a small channel of communication. As I write that I realize that means for any little bit I allow myself to communicate, which in truth is ‘engaging’ I just need to toughen up and be wise and careful in my dialogue. Tend to my emotions and set and follow personal boundaries. Don’t discuss the past, reconciliation, big gushings of apologies, just stick to task and keep moving forward. To remember who I am and not be pushed around yet maintain peace and peaceful dialogue if any at all. I do wish however that we didn’t live together as I do think I wouldn’t communicate at all. I feel for anyone who shares children with their ex Bpd. You have to still communicate even though you know it’s be so much healthier for all parties if you didn’t.
 Well there is my abstract attempt to weather the changes of the mental preoccupation with less heartache and more optimism.  It’s not an easy journey, nothing short of a struggle but as sad as it is, I’m so thankful I didn’t suffer worse.