Sister with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I'm new to this. But here's a go. I'm a sister of a BPD sibling. She's my sister. I like to use the term "sister" loosely because I feel like she's only my sister because we have the same parents. She was diagnosed with this illness in her teens and I was just a child. I'm now 31 years old and she's 35. My whole childhood was complete chaos and very emotionally draining. I was mentally, verbally, and physically abused everyday until I finally got out when I was 19. I've been beaten, stabbed, and even chased with a gun. I have hard time having respect for my parents as I've gotten older because I now have a child and would never allow the things that have happened to me happen to her. I was never truly protected from her physically and it still carries with me til this day. I can't get over it. Its like don't worry about her, she has her head on straight, she excelled in school and music and has an outstanding family. She can take care of herself. Towards the end of my high school years I started changing. I constantly had panic attacks, passed out when I got overwhelmed, cried when I had to go home. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I'm now 31 and nothing has changed and its only gotten worse. My sister lives with my mother and father and her 2 youngest kids. My mom has become a parent again and my dad has pretty much checked out. He's there physically but not mentally. I could really write a book right now but my main problem right now is that I have a child that should be allowed to have a relationship with her grandparents and cousins but unfortunately my sister is around and I just cant risk my child witnessing a hint of what I did. How does this work? How do you continue to have a somewhat family life without her being a part of it. I try talking to my mom about it !but she always changes the subject and has never apologized to me for what she allowed me to witness and has never apologized for not protecting me. She thinks I should get over it. However if it wasn't for my 3yr old I wouldn't have anything to do with my family anymore but I cant do that to my daughter, she has a right to have a relationship with my parents and her cousins until she decides for herself when she's older. What do you do? I don't think I could talk my family into counseling at all but I almost feel like this is the only way I can move on and have my voice heard for once. What boundaries do you think should be set and met?

Thank you Everyone

[SClittlesister]

Hi, I'm new to this. But here's a go. I'm a sister of a BPD sibling. She's my sister. I like to use the term "sister" loosely because I feel like she's only my sister because we have the same parents. She was diagnosed with this illness in her teens and I was just a child. I'm now 31 years old and she's 35. My whole childhood was complete chaos and very emotionally draining. I was mentally, verbally, and physically abused everyday until I finally got out when I was 19. I've been beaten, stabbed, and even chased with a gun. I have hard time having respect for my parents as I've gotten older because I now have a child and would never allow the things that have happened to me happen to her. I was never truly protected from her physically and it still carries with me til this day. I can't get over it. Its like don't worry about her, she has her head on straight, she excelled in school and music and has an outstanding family. She can take care of herself. Towards the end of my high school years I started changing. I constantly had panic attacks, passed out when I got overwhelmed, cried when I had to go home. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I'm now 31 and nothing has changed and its only gotten worse. My sister lives with my mother and father and her 2 youngest kids. My mom has become a parent again and my dad has pretty much checked out. He's there physically but not mentally. I could really write a book right now but my main problem right now is that I have a child that should be allowed to have a relationship with her grandparents and cousins but unfortunately my sister is around and I just cant risk my child witnessing a hint of what I did. How does this work? How do you continue to have a somewhat family life without her being a part of it. I try talking to my mom about it !but she always changes the subject and has never apologized to me for what she allowed me to witness and has never apologized for not protecting me. She thinks I should get over it. However if it wasn't for my 3yr old I wouldn't have anything to do with my family anymore but I cant do that to my daughter, she has a right to have a relationship with my parents and her cousins until she decides for herself when she's older. What do you do? I don't think I could talk my family into counseling at all but I almost feel like this is the only way I can move on and have my voice heard for once. What boundaries do you think should be set and met?

Thank you Everyone

[clljhns]

Hi and  SClittlesister,

Wow! Chased with a gun and a knife? How horrible! I am so sorry that these were the experiences that defined your childhood. I had a similar situation with my sis51 when we were growing up.

As to your question about including your parents in your child's life, I am wondering if you could have grandparent time at your home. I am also thinking of "play dates" with your parents at the park or other community centers. How does this sound?

Keep posting and give us updates.

Peace and blessings! 

[SClittlesister]

Thanks for the advice slljhns  , I guess the problem I come into with my parents having meetings or playdates at my house is that my mother always has my sisters kids with her since my parents raise them. It seems as if there's always an excuse as to why they can't come over because of the kids. And there's never one on one time because of the kids. Its like I'm reliving the same experience even though I'm older. My parents, especially my mom never really gave me the one on one attention because it was always about my sister. We never even went on vacation because of my sister's outbursts. Now that I'm older I figured we would be able to make more time for each other but once again my sister and her kids are the reason we can't. There's always something. Even when my mom comes to my house for just a few minutes my sister is blowing up her phone to come home so she doesn't have to deal with her kids. I do worry about the kids a lot. They are now witnessing what I witnessed as a child and still my parents don't try to protect them either. My mother has become quite the enabler for her illness and uses it as an excuse almost always. I believe my mother has started to believe all the bad behavior is normal and its not at all. All I want is a relationship with my parents without my sister being a part of it and for my daughter to have a relationship with them without my sister and her kids always being the excuse. I feel like my mother needs a lot of therapy for herself but would probably  never go through with it.

[SClittlesister]

Slljhns,  How did your parents cope with this, and did they protect you from harm?

[Harri]

Hello SClittlesister and welcome!  Having parents who enable your sister while invalidating you must be so hurtful, and to have to see her kids going through the same thing you did must be hurtful as well.  You deserved parents who would protect you and who gave you the attention you so clearly needed.  It is all too easy to look at the kid who is so capable and together and figure they are okay... .as if you can possibly raise yourself, never mind having a frighteningly sick sister who made you fear for your life!  I am sorry for the neglect and suffering you went through.

Would you ever consider having the kids visit with you for the day without your parents around?  You mentioned wanting your kids to get to know their cousins, so maybe this would work?  Your mother can go back to coddling your sister and your nieces/nephews can get exposed to a healthy adult who loves them and demonstrates love and acceptance all the while playing with their cousins.  Not that you have to, but you could perhaps be the one safety net these kids have.  As for alone time between your kids and your parents... .well, it does not sound like that is possible due to their behaviors as well as your sisters.  I am not sure I would want to leave any kids alone with them anyway, especially not if your sister is around (sorry, I mean no offense by that).

I am out of ideas and suggestions.  Hang in there though.  Maybe someone will figure out a way it can be done.

[clljhns]

SClittlesister,

My situation was very different. My mother beat on my sis51 and brother often, but not me and oldest sister. There was no consideration for stopping any of the abuse in the home. I didn't want to see my sis51 get abused, so I would often stay silent about her abuse towards me. I do remember a time when sis was 18 and I was 16. I was visiting her for the weekend at her college. She became enraged at a comment that I made concerning a television show. She accused me of calling her a ___ and threw her bowl of cereal across the room. As I went towards the door, she grabbed a steak knife and held it at my stomach and threatened me. I was terrified, but knew to remain calm. I was able to convince her that I was not referring to her in my comment. I never told my parents, or anyone about the incident.

As to finding a time for just you, mom, and your kids, perhaps you could create a grandparents day at your home. Say, every Saturday morning. Make it a tradition in your home to have just grandparents come and visit for a couple of hours. You could always include outings with this. I would also set some firm boundaries with mom if they agree to a grandparents day---no cell phone communication during this time.

How does this sound? Maybe even have the kids create a puppet show to present to the grandparents. This might sweeten the pot if your parents know that your kids have gone to great lengths to present them with something special!

Hope all is well.

Peace and blessings!

[Linda Maria]

HI SClittlesister!  Sorry to hear about your troubles.  Your situation is way tougher than mine - now I know about BPD it explains a lot about my uBPDsis over the last 20 years.  But she really only started making my life hell after my Mum died last year.  My kids are now nearly 14 and 10 and I feel really sad that they don't have their auntie (she doesn't have any kids and there is just her and me left now my Mum and Dad are gone), and that they even have to be aware that this sort of mad horrible thing can go on, where suddenly they don't see their auntie any more.  But I made myself ill with all the worry last year, all the horrible lies and stuff that went on, and then she started telling lies about things my daughter had said, and sent her a text that was a bit weird (the only text I think she ever sent her) and I just realised as a mother I had to protect the kids.  How could I even think about letting them have any contact with someone that I personally felt afraid of and wouldn't be prepared to be alone with after the things that had been said?  uBPDsis was so out of control that she had said really awful and untrue things about me to my daughter on the last time I brought my daughter to see her - which was very unpleasant for my daughter.  Your situation sounds different, as you have your parents and the other kids to think about, so I'm sure its worth at least trying some of the great suggestions that other people have made.  But all I would say - is - if it gets too hard - and you find yourself constantly worrying about the situation then try not to force something.  As a Mum your gut instincts are usually right - if being around her cousins and grandparents is going to become any sort of negative experience then it's not worth having.  Plenty of kids don't have cousins or grandparents and they do fine.  You sound like a great person and your child will be fine with or without these other relatives, so do whatever is right for you, but if it doesn't go ok, allow yourself to let it go for a while at least.  It is so hard I know.  Best of luck.