31years

[31years]

I titled the subject line 31years because I have been married 30 years and hope to stay married for 31 and beyond.  I have a loving spouse of 30 years and a great mother of two children 27,28 years old.  My 27 year old son suffers from BPD, my father did and I believe I do as well.  My wife has dealt with and raise my son and I as if we were both ill and stayed around for us so we would succeed.  We are both very high achievers and to the public all looks good.  Well that is until now.  My wife has decided she is through with caring for both our illness' and move on to a better life for her. I don't blame her.  She has had 30 years to study me and 27 for my son.  Now I must care for myself and my son on my own.  I would not be honest if I did not say I hope she changes her mind and spends the next 30 years with us both but that is unlikely to occur.  I always thought sometime in life things would slow down enough that I could learn the disease, discover the cure by hiring the best person in the world on how to treat us both.  Then we would get treatment and healed.  I guess I was crazy to think that is possible.  Now I am lost just trying to find the best way for my son and I to get well.  Any ideas where to start, where there has actually been treatments that have saved families would be much appreciated. so far all I read is how if you are a victum to a BPD is how to get away from them.  But how does one ever have healing if you have the God awful disease.  I now recognize it but now what? Is there a person or place you can reach out to to receive intense 24/7 treatment?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[halcyon]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I'm not sure about treatment centers in your area.  But a quick Google search for "free mental health clinics" might solve that for you.  I know there is such a center in my area, and we take full advantage of it!  It doesn't offer 24/7 care (most do NOT).  But they do offer therapy, life-coaching, and medical care.  And the three combined have helped my partner SO much! 

This site offers a lot too.  If you look to your right, you'll see links to a LOT of reading material and videos that are very helpful. 

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.  I hope this place offers you some solace.  Even if you can't fix the relationship, it is never too late to work on yourself.  "Fill your own void", as my therapist likes to say.

Good luck and best wishes

[Pulka]

Sorry to hear your wife has made the tough decision.

All I can advise is to be reflective about your past behaviours, mentality and emotions. It's a very difficult task, but with a objective approach I believe BPD can be managed successfully.

You need to be as open and honest about your feelings, fears and understand where these thoughts stem from. There's a lot of informative posts out there, which will enable you to have an insight of how your brain works.

I would recommend DBT/CBT which is challenging, as you'll need to open up and be honest about how you have behaved and how your current thought processes work.

Do you know if you're a high functioning or low functioning BPD and what type you are? There are different types Hermit, Waif, Queen etc. Which category you fall under will enable you to see it from a non perspective on how you behave. This could help prevent you from behaving in particular ways and acknowledge unhelpful thought processes along the way.

Do either you or your son suffer with any other mental health illnesses? I know often PD's include things like Anxiety and Depression that can trigger BPD into its full cycle.

Anxiety is a killer, it allows the bad thoughts to ruminate in your brain and you to focus on the negatives. It effects decision making, self-esteem and belief. CBT helps with this element immensely, it reprogrammes the way you think about certain scenarios that trigger unwanted thoughts and the attached feelings.

I'm not sure which area you're from, but if in the U.K. Have a chat with your Dr, there are in and out patient facilities available, which can give you intensive treatment options. Alternatively depending on the severity of your symptoms they may offer counselling/CBT services which can be as flexible as you choose.

There's also mind.org.uk who offer free help for people, group sessions for you and your loved ones.

I hope this helps you in some way - without sounding patronising, well done on making the first steps into progress! Keep us updated.

[Tattered Heart]

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you well on your journey.