Releasing the Resentment --- Dealing with my own stuff

[hoping4hope]

I've had a lifelong history of dealing with pwBPD.

My father had to have had a version of this, he got very bad after his mother died.

My grandmother was a strong woman and he relied upon her.

In the 90's the last 3 of 5 siblings cut off communication with my dad and mom.

In college I fell hard for a guy with severe BPD  got him to therapy and diagnosed and everything.

He was completely out of control and for my own sake we parted after graduating.

Then I entered a profession that dealt with many people with BPD in a professional capacity.

But in my personal life I had stepped away from people who reminded me of dad.

I fell in love at a retreat center with a lovely man and moved to the other side of the continent to marry him.

He still is a lovely man whose ex-wife has the worst case of BPD I've seen.  Very, very limited contact with my husband except taunts from the outside.  Only time I met her she offered to save me if I would call her.  Their two kids were older.  Well, I can handle that. Now the oldest clearly has a pd probably BPD, not sure.  But his girlfriend lord in heaven, well he found his mother.

I am resentful that I am back in this.  Finally last night, my husband accepted  that I had been the target of 3 people with emotional problems who wanted me gone.  He kept insisting that I was just like them. Until I went over the facts again.  This is what they have done. This is what I quietly endured. This is when I lost my temper.  I've been waiting for him to see this, so we can work as a team and get at least his son and the girlfriend some help at the best, or at least keep their constant emotional turmoil out of the house.

Can't have BPD in my house.  Can't do it. Won't. 

What makes this more difficult is that I don't love these pwBPD in my life. They have been so rotten from the beginning that I don't really like them.  Under any other circumstances I would just walk away.  It's a universe I don't need to be in.

But I do love my husband and I can't abandon him to them.

Lots of his life and happiness was stolen by BPD  and you can't leave a man behind.

Especially one that you love.

Now, that we are on the same team... . things will feel safer and better.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Many of us here have BPD in our families. And because like attracts like, many of us are drawn to those with BPD traits. Once we recognise what BPD is, we can see it all around us. I do think it is helpful to distinguish between the disorder and the person however.

You mention that you are resentful to again have to deal with BPD.   I suppose that's understandable. I expect that you will need to come to accept that you have chosen for your dh's sake, to have BPD in your life again. It is your choice, so to be resentful is probably wasted negative energy. People with BPD are still just people, they still deserve respect for that fact. If there is someone in your life that you choose to have contact with, that you find hurtful, then look to your boundaries, they exist to protect you. Do you have clear in your mind the boundaries based upon your values? Do you have clear in your mind what your values are?

I was at a group meeting for those with pw with BPD in their lives this week. A mother who has two adult children with BPD and a deceased husband who was BPD said that being in this situation has brought her to a level of understanding of herself and peace with herself that she wouldn't have otherwise known. Interestingly, I can see this mother has so many   herself ... . but she is coming to grips with them, though she doesn't always seem to see it in herself.

I myself am aware of my own  . I work hard at changing myself. You can't come from a BPD family and not have them. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to learn a deeper level of understanding of yourself and a have a greater sense of peace.

What do you think?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[hoping4hope]

Been through counseling. Have my own fleas. But  no, after what these charming people pulled upon my arrival here,  I will never trust them enough to let them close.  I have no belief any of the three see other people other than someone to get something from. Now it is just a matter of supporting my husband

Managing a truce and protecting myself. And you know what that is a completely valid choice.

[vivekananda]

I would like to give you some advice, I hope you can accept what I have to offer.

Please take care of yourself hoping4hope. Remember that negative thoughts and emotions are not helpful for us. Being judgemental is not a positive trait and can sabotage our attempts to do the right thing. Harbouring resentment can eat away at our peace of mind. Practising acceptance and self compassion are two ways we can be more positive. I don't think there is anything new there, this I expect you already know.

Make sure your boundaries are values based. Boundaries are to protect us, not to punish or exact revenge. I believe you understand this well.

It would help to remember also that in any communication with pw BPD, validation of how they feel improves that chances for you in your conversations with them. I know you would see that and appreciate the importance of practising validation with our loved ones.

I am glad you and your dh are together in this. I hope he can continue to have a relationship with his children. I also hope that there is a positive resolution to the dilemma he faces with competing divided loyalties.

take care hoping4hope

Vivek    

[hoping4hope]

I don't believe that protecting yourself from someone who you strongly believe might hurt you in the future is revenge.

I will protect myself from people I believe would like to hurt me.

I understand they have conditions, but that does not mean that I need to expose myself to further harm.  This does not mean I won't speak to them and be pleasant, but they won't get close. I wish no one ill will in this situation and that includes me. Like I said, normally I'd just walk away from such destructive people and we'd all be happy.

I think it is important to remember that non-engagement is also an option for people.  Rather than drag myself through the emotional mire I'm just not gonna go there.

[vivekananda]

I don't believe that protecting yourself from someone who you strongly believe might hurt you in the future is revenge.

I will protect myself from people I believe would like to hurt me.

I agree with you. I also believe that it is helpful to investigate our boundaries and ask ourselves what are the values they are based upon. This then helps us maintain our focus on our integrity and keeps us on a straight path.

For example, when I was working on the boundary with my dh regarding our dd, my boundary was not based on a value at all. Yes I felt it was to protect me (and dh) and as a result not enable my dd which I thought we had been doing. My boundary was related to giving her money. Dh wanted to give her whenever she asked. He was petrified she would end up on the street and doing goodness knows what. The only time she contacted us was when she wanted something. I felt used by this situation (a bit more complex than I've put it here) and wanted to bring it to a head.

It was only when the good people here kept on at me about what value was the boundary based upon that I revisited the boundary and my values. The result of this was a solid understanding of why the boundary was important and I would have no trouble keeping it - or negotiating it with my dd which we have since done. That other reason it was so helpful was because I was able to persuade my dh of the importance of the boundary and how without it we were actually enabling our dd not helping her. It helped him stay with me on this.

With this questioning of myself and my motives, I was able to take the focus off my hurt at feeling used and instead I focussed on how I wanted to live my life.

Or another example: my BPD sister now 75 is someone with whom I have no contact. If she speaks with me I am polite, courteous and kind but I do not engage with her. This is not just because of how she has hurt me over the years, not just because she cannot be trusted and she hates me with a venom that is extraordinary. This is because of my values. Of course when I first set out on this course of n/c, it was just to protect myself. Then I learnt about BPD and our tools here. I re investigated my values. Now I have no problems at all with this boundary because it is in accord with my values. Previously I did feel uncomfortable and I was able to be sucked back into the drama she helped create.

I deliberating haven't told you what these values of mine are. Not because they are secret though   

Can you relate your boundaries to your values? It really does make it easier, doesn't it?

Vivek      

[hoping4hope]

My value for my boundary is self respect. No one including myself deserves to be treated without respect and I will not permit it to re-occur. Their illness is not an excuse for their behaviour.  The three of them are pre-destined to create a lot more pain. I thank you very much will stay out of the way of the approaching tornado. There are so many other more interesting things to spend my life on. They are not my problem and may God bless them but I am not the one to help them. But my husband, I can love him and listen to him and hold him. Be the safe port in the storm and he needs that more than anything else. THANKS writing this has helped define my role in this situation.

[griz]

hoping4hope:  I think you were on target when you said that you do not love the pwBPD in your life.  That is a very big key.  For many of us it is our own children that have this disease and chosing to love them or not is not an option.  For many a  mother's love is unconditional, so what we can do is use what we learn to help not only ourselves but also to help the people we love.  Their illness is not an excuse but their reality just as a person in a wheelchair cannot climb the stairs.

It sounds like taking them out of your life would be the best solution.  Having them in your life would take a lot of work and if you are not interested in them it would almost be pointless.

Griz

[hoping4hope]

Well thanks. It is true I don't love them. I  do love my husband and will be there for him. I also said I WOULD be polite but they won't be permitted to get close.  Not kicking them out of my life but not leaving room for damage. My trying to help them is not helpful to any of us. They have painted me black as you say before I arrived. There is nothing to be done about it. I can choose not to be involved in this mess and it does not make me heartless. My sweetie deserves a peaceful place after 20 years of dealing with a person with serious BPD. Now that is something I can do and gladly. But I do think people should know there is another choice instead of changing your behaviors all around to accomodate BPD.

[vivekananda]

Hi H4H,

Self respect is not so much a value, as it is a practice. Respect is a value though and one of my three core values. A value is what determines how we behave, not how others should behave towards us. So, if you practice self respect, you put into place the boundaries you need for that. Just trying to be 'precise' for clarity - our values are so important to us.

But I do think people should know there is another choice instead of changing your behaviors all around to accomodate BPD.

I am not just concerned with changing my behaviour but with changing the way I think as well. I am doing it because it helps me be a better person I hope, it brings me peace of mind and happiness and I hope it will help me in my relationship with my dd. I don't see myself as accommodating BPD at all. Instead, the way I see it, BPD has given me an opportunity to become someone better than who I was and the chance for a solid grasp of happiness - in spite of the pain of BPD. I would hope that others with me on this journey are also able to see beyond the immediate concerns of an improved relationship with the ones they love.

Like you have with those with BPD in your life, I have turned my back on my sister with BPD. My sister doesn't need me and I don't need her, even though I do love her. But I will not turn my back on my mum with BPD and neither my dd with BPD or my niece and nephew.

To turn your back on someone is a painful and cruel thing to do. It is something that we each have to decide on for ourselves. I would not recommend it to anyone. But I would recommend to everyone the benefits of changing to become the best person you can - using the tools we espouse here.

Vivek    

[griz]

VIV:  Thank you and so well put.  We all do have to make our own personal decisions and whatever that may be, only we can decide.

Self respect is not so much a value, as it is a practice. Respect is a value though and one of my three core values. A value is what determines how we behave, not how others should behave towards us. So, if you practice self respect, you put into place the boundaries you need for that.

I really loved this and I also have been learning to implement this  in my life, not just with the BPD people in my life but as practice for living.  The by product of this for me is that how I behave often dictates how others around me behave.

H4H:  I can almost feel through your posts the anger and hurt you must be feeling.  I am glad that you are able be there for your dh.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hoping4hope]

And my point is that it is also a kind choice to step away from a relationship where more pain and anguish is virtually guaranteed. It is not heartless to back away from relationship with a relative. In fact in some cases it may be more heartless to insist on a relationship just because you are related. It is also a possibility and a valid choice to walk away. The freedom to choose makes life more bearable and is the basis for true mutually desired relationships. How many holidays would be more enjoyable if it wasn't required that we spend them with people we don't particularly care for. Wouldn't both parties be happier if they didn't. Families and tolerance are important  but not that much more important than a little peace and happiness. Life is short.

[vivekananda]

H4H you have a lovely way of writing and you are very persuasive too.

When we decide to 'step away ' from a relationship with someone we best wishes, it is a hard decision and yes the rewards for that decision are an easier life.

Life is short. I recall hearing on radio that of those who 'die' and return to life, their stories - if they have one - are often similar. Out of body experience, the light, the tunnel feeling, the wonderful sense of peace etc. There are also those who say they have faced their life, seen it running in front of their eyes. But it is not what happened to them so much but a view of the hurt or happiness they have caused to others in their life that they see; they see those they have hurt and how they hurt them. Instead of being judged, they see for themselves and they judge themselves. This is apparently a deeply powerful experience for those who have returned to tell their story.

The bible tells us that if we are slapped, to turn the other cheek. I have been so hurt over the years with my sister's behaviours that I haven't been able to turn the other cheek. It is because of my sister's interference in my mother's health and care to my mother's detriment, that I finally decided to turn my back to her. My mother is very old, very frail and very vulnerable. I know my sister is deeply hurt by my rejection of her. I believe I have made the best choice possible.

I expect this is similar to how you see it for yourself h4h.

I know that there are many here on this site who have made this hard decision to have no contact with the people with BPD in their lives. Fellow travellers who nonetheless are with us in our journey towards our own personal peace and happiness achieved through changing the negative emotions that weigh us down, the negative thoughts that leads us astray and the negative behaviours that hurt not only others but ourselves as well.

H4H:  I can almost feel through your posts the anger and hurt you must be feeling.  I am glad that you are able be there for your dh.

  well said Griz, my thoughts are with you h4h   

Vivek