Sometimes I feel healed, other times I have days where I feel as if I haven't

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Dated someone with BPD very briefly, around a year ago. This person presented themselves as having issues around closeness/intimacy - an obvious red flag that I should have listened to, but they appeared very vulnerable and 'sweet', there was no indicator of the person being aggressive or abusive - they would often distance themselves whenever we started to get closer, which was really difficult for me. Whenever they’d do this, they wouldn’t allow me to discuss it or to talk about how I felt, so I was keeping a lot buried. I respect that if someone wants to end something that they are entitled to, but it always felt very sudden and very blunt, in that even a message saying "hi, how are you?" after one of these break ups would cause intense anger/annoyance within the person.

They ended things with me for the final time in a very explosive and sudden way, in front of people, and never offered me a chance to talk about what had happened, shutting me down very rudely each time I tried. They then took to just ignoring me, immediately after telling me we could be friends - which I know is something exes do, but this person had a pattern of push/pull, and I was also in a very heightened emotional state as well as being very confused about what had just happened re: sudden break up.

I did try and reach out - many times, actually. But each time, I was very calm, rational, patient. I would space the contact out and sometimes there’d be months between each attempt. I had been diagnosed with CPTSD because of this, and to be honest, I was heartbroken, and didn’t feel that I was able to move on because I had no idea why this person had turned on me after pretty much acting like we were soulmates.

Eventually, after a while, they responded. We had a phone call in which this person apologised and said I hadn’t deserved that treatment, etc. That they had sabotaged the relationship on purpose. They said they didn’t think we could be friends because it gets “too intense and codependent”, and they don’t have the capacity to talk everyday with someone. I hadn’t suggested I wanted to talk every day, so I’m unsure where that came from.

I suppose I feel a bit frustrated with the situation, still - they ended things with me for reasons they admit were in their own head, and now they still don’t want to be friends. I have been sitting with my feelings and I realise that I still have feelings for this person, and feel a sense of unfinished business and also frustration... even in our last phone call, we got on well, which the person admitted to, too. It feels as if there isn’t an actual reason that this person keeps rejecting me. It’s not as if we had started to argue or become distant with each other, which has happened to me in other relationships.

Sometimes I want to contact this person and say all of this, but I find that they sometimes (intentionally or not) misread what I’m trying to get at - for example, getting angry at me wanting to talk, they view it as me being persistent or “melodramatic”. I personally feel it’s fair to just say look, actually, this is how I feel about this situation?

They’re also really unpredictable - I might be ignored, blocked, or even insulted - which has happened in the past when I’ve even just asked to talk! I’ve literally been insulted for just asking to talk. Like, it’s hard to even approach this person. I’ve said “hey, how are you?” and been blocked, too. I’ve been blocked for no reason at times, also.

I’ve been accused of being “spiteful” when I tried to reach out to to ask why I was being treated badly, despite my emails being very carefully and rationally written. I actually found one of the emails I had written - it was very compassionate and patient and calm. No spitefulness at all. This also seems to be something this person does - say something rude/untrue/blunt as a reason for not wanting to be with me, they have done this before.

The content of the emails seems to have been totally ignored - I was often overlooking my own emotional pain and being VERY patient and kind to someone who had hurt me.

They also seem to have new friends and have dated other people, so I feel a sense of embarrassment about getting in touch with them. But, I’m running out of ideas as to how to feel better about the whole thing, to be honest. Sometimes I feel healed, other times I have days where I feel as if I am back at square one.

I feel that the main thing is general disappointment that I believed I had found someone who I got on with and who I could spend time with, and there doesn't seem any way to get back to that place. There isn't a tangible problem that could be addressed or worked on, and the person I was spending time with seems to have disappeared completely. I feel frightened that I will feel like this forever.

It's just all very painful, really. I wonder how people get through something like this.

[karrimor]

Dated someone with BPD very briefly, around a year ago. This person presented themselves as having issues around closeness/intimacy - an obvious red flag that I should have listened to, but they appeared very vulnerable and 'sweet', there was no indicator of the person being aggressive or abusive - they would often distance themselves whenever we started to get closer, which was really difficult for me. Whenever they’d do this, they wouldn’t allow me to discuss it or to talk about how I felt, so I was keeping a lot buried. I respect that if someone wants to end something that they are entitled to, but it always felt very sudden and very blunt, in that even a message saying "hi, how are you?" after one of these break ups would cause intense anger/annoyance within the person.

They ended things with me for the final time in a very explosive and sudden way, in front of people, and never offered me a chance to talk about what had happened, shutting me down very rudely each time I tried. They then took to just ignoring me, immediately after telling me we could be friends - which I know is something exes do, but this person had a pattern of push/pull, and I was also in a very heightened emotional state as well as being very confused about what had just happened re: sudden break up.

I did try and reach out - many times, actually. But each time, I was very calm, rational, patient. I would space the contact out and sometimes there’d be months between each attempt. I had been diagnosed with CPTSD because of this, and to be honest, I was heartbroken, and didn’t feel that I was able to move on because I had no idea why this person had turned on me after pretty much acting like we were soulmates.

Eventually, after a while, they responded. We had a phone call in which this person apologised and said I hadn’t deserved that treatment, etc. That they had sabotaged the relationship on purpose. They said they didn’t think we could be friends because it gets “too intense and codependent”, and they don’t have the capacity to talk everyday with someone. I hadn’t suggested I wanted to talk every day, so I’m unsure where that came from.

I suppose I feel a bit frustrated with the situation, still - they ended things with me for reasons they admit were in their own head, and now they still don’t want to be friends. I have been sitting with my feelings and I realise that I still have feelings for this person, and feel a sense of unfinished business and also frustration... even in our last phone call, we got on well, which the person admitted to, too. It feels as if there isn’t an actual reason that this person keeps rejecting me. It’s not as if we had started to argue or become distant with each other, which has happened to me in other relationships.

Sometimes I want to contact this person and say all of this, but I find that they sometimes (intentionally or not) misread what I’m trying to get at - for example, getting angry at me wanting to talk, they view it as me being persistent or “melodramatic”. I personally feel it’s fair to just say look, actually, this is how I feel about this situation?

They’re also really unpredictable - I might be ignored, blocked, or even insulted - which has happened in the past when I’ve even just asked to talk! I’ve literally been insulted for just asking to talk. Like, it’s hard to even approach this person. I’ve said “hey, how are you?” and been blocked, too. I’ve been blocked for no reason at times, also.

I’ve been accused of being “spiteful” when I tried to reach out to to ask why I was being treated badly, despite my emails being very carefully and rationally written. I actually found one of the emails I had written - it was very compassionate and patient and calm. No spitefulness at all. This also seems to be something this person does - say something rude/untrue/blunt as a reason for not wanting to be with me, they have done this before.

The content of the emails seems to have been totally ignored - I was often overlooking my own emotional pain and being VERY patient and kind to someone who had hurt me.

They also seem to have new friends and have dated other people, so I feel a sense of embarrassment about getting in touch with them. But, I’m running out of ideas as to how to feel better about the whole thing, to be honest. Sometimes I feel healed, other times I have days where I feel as if I am back at square one.

I feel that the main thing is general disappointment that I believed I had found someone who I got on with and who I could spend time with, and there doesn't seem any way to get back to that place. There isn't a tangible problem that could be addressed or worked on, and the person I was spending time with seems to have disappeared completely. I feel frightened that I will feel like this forever.

It's just all very painful, really. I wonder how people get through something like this.

[karrimor]

- can't edit the post, but just wanted to say I know it doesn't have much of a point or request for advice, it seems to be more of a rant. I guess I just feel frustrated at the way my ex hasn't truly understood how hurt I've been, and has just called me "spiteful" when I really haven't been, and the loss of someone I thought I got on with, really. When speaking to ex, it seemed that they acknowledged the 'connection', but just went on to reject me again, even though they said some nice things about me on the whole (which surprised me). To admit that they sabotaged things, but still doesn't want anything to do with me, and said things that weren't true about me, it just all hurts, and I feel like it's something I'm really struggling to get over.

[forevermagenta]

Hi karrimor,

I can relate so much to what you are saying - trying to make sense of the person’s behaviour and reactions and “breakthrough” to them.

I had similar -what I saw as- compassionate, understanding, level -headed emails to my ex. His would respond immediately with a barrage of insults. It was a big realization for me to see (in the exaggerated BPD form) what  I say and mean and what THEY hear are worlds apart. Everything is filtered through the the lens the disorder - so they probably see /feel enmeshmemt and need to revolt and abandon you before you abandon them. 

I can relate to the unfinished business, but my experience and my understanding of the disorder is that if you keep looking to them for closure, it will never come. The push /pull dynamic could continue as infinitum and completely make you lose your sense of self. Maybe others more versed here can pipe in. The more understanding I gained about the disorder, the more I realized the futility and heartache in this and that the best thing for everyone was to walk away and make sense of why I was so available for this unhealthy type of engagement and kept coming back for more.

[Lucky Jim]

The more understanding I gained about the disorder, the more I realized the futility and heartache in this and that the best thing for everyone was to walk away and make sense of why I was so available for this unhealthy type of engagement and kept coming back for more.

Nicely said, forever magenta.  Figuring out why one got in a BPD r/s in the first place is a worthwhile inquiry, in my view.  Hint: Usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  I was particularly susceptible to manipulation (through F-O-G) as well as getting drawn into BPD drama.

LuckyJim

[karrimor]

Hi karrimor,

I can relate so much to what you are saying - trying to make sense of the person’s behaviour and reactions and “breakthrough” to them.

I had similar -what I saw as- compassionate, understanding, level -headed emails to my ex. His would respond immediately with a barrage of insults. It was a big realization for me to see (in the exaggerated BPD form) what  I say and mean and what THEY hear are worlds apart. Everything is filtered through the the lens the disorder - so they probably see /feel enmeshmemt and need to revolt and abandon you before you abandon them. 

I can relate to the unfinished business, but my experience and my understanding of the disorder is that if you keep looking to them for closure, it will never come. The push /pull dynamic could continue as infinitum and completely make you lose your sense of self. Maybe others more versed here can pipe in. The more understanding I gained about the disorder, the more I realized the futility and heartache in this and that the best thing for everyone was to walk away and make sense of why I was so available for this unhealthy type of engagement and kept coming back for more.

It's true. The conversation my ex and I had was what I thought was a 'closure' conversation, but it didn't solve anything for me, and gave me new things to question/be confused over - which left me with the need to reach out again to clarify/correct things that were said (I didn't reach out, though). So yeah, it could just continue again and again, as you're saying.

[karrimor]

Nicely said, forever magenta.  Figuring out why one got in a BPD r/s in the first place is a worthwhile inquiry, in my view.  Hint: Usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  I was particularly susceptible to manipulation (through F-O-G) as well as getting drawn into BPD drama.

LuckyJim

It is very worthwhile to do this, I agree... I've done a lot of self-reflection, and know about all my childhood trauma, FOO, etc. I think, for me, knowing is fine - but then what do I do with the information? Like, OK, this is where my issues stem from but what do I do next? If that makes sense, .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Karrimor, What you do with that info is up to you, of course, but I would suggest that recognizing the pattern allows you to choose whether you want to go down that road again.  That choice frees you up to pause and decide what is right for you.  Does that make sense?

LJ

[karrimor]

Hey Karrimor, What you do with that info is up to you, of course, but I would suggest that recognizing the pattern allows you to choose whether you want to go down that road again.  That choice frees you up to pause and decide what is right for you.  Does that make sense?

LJ

Hey,

Now that it's been put like that, it makes perfect sense, yes. I suppose it felt like a lot of information to handle and quite upsetting, at times. It's so hard to understand and realise that there are people out there who would just love/like me as I am, and that I don't have to work so hard for someone's approval.

[Lucky Jim]

It's so hard to understand and realize that there are people out there who would just love/like me as I am, and that I don't have to work so hard for someone's approval.

Right, there are kind people out there who will love you just as you are.

No, you don't need to work so hard for someone's approval.

Suggest you be your authentic self, for a change.

LJ

[Baglady]

Hi Karrimor,

I think that you have really hit the nail on the head in terms of realizing that likely what lies at the heart of why we non's end up in these relationship - a basic mistrust of the idea that we are lovable just for being exactly who we are.  So much of our entanglement with BPD partners is directly related to issues with our FOO.  I'm three years out and it's really taken this long to turn the absolute focus to me instead of my ex.  I grew up so "other directed" due events in my FOO (survival mechanism) and it's really hard (but necessary!) to steer that ship toward myself for once!

Somedays it feels like reorienting the Titanic 

Hang in there...you are having great realizations early in the recovery game.

Warmly,
B.