My (pathetic) attempts at detachment - a 5 month retrospective

[bestintentions]

Yesterday marked 5 months since my wife moved out.  In some ways, today, I am back to square one.

July was fraught with agony, panic attacks, withdrawal, lies and revelations of things previously unknown during my 25 year relationship.  I remember little else other than pain.  After this time, I instituted a NC/LC approach and only dealt with my wife where matters pertained to our children or divorce.  It worked very well.  I also began taking Lexapro and felt stronger each day with hope for the future.  Sleep became normal, work became more productive and others were seeing it in me.

Less than a month ago - out of the blue - I received a text from my wife blaming me for the loss of communication with our children, S19 & D22, and a veiled suicide threat - "Thank you for pulling the trigger".  I showed it to them.  They told me to ignore it.  I sat on this info for a few days.  Concern started taking center stage so I decided to visit her, as I know she hasn't been working and no one might really know if she did harm herself.  She was hesitant to see me at first but our talk eventually turned into many hugs, tears and apologies from her.  There was even an admission that she has BPD.  I left her apartment that night to head to dinner with a psychologist friend of mine as hopeful as I'd ever been for my wife.  Beaming with hope.  Filled with love for this person I've shared my whole adult life with.  She actually asked me for information on a local clinic that offers a DBT program.  The next night we had dinner together, made love and started talking about reconciliation, DBT and couples' therapy.  I thought that a corner had finally been turned.  That she was finally self-aware and humble enough to want to change her behavior and repair our marriage.  It was after sex that I found out about my replacement (it appears it took 10+ sexual partners to find the next acceptable caretaker).  He does not live in the area.  Push/pull ensued for two weeks culminating with me seeking therapy from a new therapist.  The therapist asked to see us both less than a week later.  My wife agreed.  We talked for hours and decided to request a 90-day stay of the divorce just this past Tuesday night.  Our court date was the following morning.  We laughed and joked like old times and started to plan our new life together.  Court opened session and we sat down.  The judge asked my wife what she wanted to do and she said "I want a dismissal".  I was floored.  My response was "We didn't discuss this."  The judge asked us if we wanted to step outside and talk about it for a few minutes.  I told her I wasn't going through this again and asked her if she was certain about this decision.  She said yes.  We walked back in, stated our intentions and and the judge threw it out as if this didn't happen.  We had a happy breakfast together and she was to break things off with the replacement when I left for work.  I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, which was a huge red flag. 

In the middle of the night I awoke to find a phone message that my wife left me from the county mental facility.  She was "involuntarily detained" but didn't tell me why and phones were shut off by the time I got the message.  I had to wait until morning to get a call from a nurse at the facility explaining what happened.  She drank, took several Percocet and cut her wrist, sending a picture to the replacement.  Apparently he called the police and she was cuffed and transported by ambulance, none of which she remembers.  When I was finally able to speak with her later that day, she said wanted to be with me.  My reluctance was growing so I asked her for further proof by allowing me access to her cell phone account password so I could call the replacement and get the truth out there and verify what had actually been transpiring.  He seemed a gracious and kind man, as I had expected, and is a widower who had taken care of his sick wife for a year while she slowly died.  My heart went out to him for his suffering and for his future suffering with my wife should they choose to be together.  He was oblivious to the fact that we were seeing each other again and thought he was being monogamous with my wife as she had told him that she would "never" be with me again.  During visitation hours I visited her this past Thursday night, with her still insisting she had made a huge mistake with cutting herself and that she wanted to be with me.  I told her I would pick her up after work on Friday to which she agreed.  Again, I was deceived as she had taken a cab home upon release and went to her apartment to call the replacement.

When I arrived to see her, I was subjected to what I have read is called transient sociopathywww.lovefraud.com/2008/03/27/the-borderline-personality-as-transient-sociopath/ which pwBPD can exhibit from time to time.  I have seen it before, the last being when I was discarded in July.  It's a cold, dark place to be and inhuman.  Amidst my pleas and crying for sanity, she plucked eyebrows and took a bath.  All the while blaming me for being controlling and that she needed nobody in her life.  Devastating to witness.  I have not spoken to her since and have not heard from the replacement.  I have offered to be there to answer questions for him and to see her together if he so desired to help get her into treatment immediately.  My guess is that they have reconciled and he will eventually suffer greatly.

I am not writing to the board tonight looking for pity, sympathy or empathy but to, instead, write myself (and anyone else who cares to read this) a blunt reminder of how awful this illness is to pwBPD and anyone and everyone surrounding them.  Of how awful it is to follow what you think their actions are over their words and yet have it still not bring peace to your life but instead suffering on a scale even a non wouldn't think possible.  I have no idea what I'll do next except start the divorce all over again.  It's also my belief that antidepressants may have given me a false sense of security and insight into what my wife is still capable of.  The benefit is keeping the lows manageable. 

The small flame of hope still burns for her in a crazy fantasy world where she's recovering and wants to have a healthy relationship with a loving partner with a mostly incredibly enjoyable history.  The rational me is tired.  Tired of the lies, tired of the false hope, tired of the insanity and the uncertainty.  The only thing I can rely on with her is pain.  I know I must move on but words are easier than actions.

Best wishes to all and thanks for reading,

bi

[rfriesen]

Hi bestintentions,

That sounds like a painful series of emotional rollercoasters, and I admire your ability to hold onto your compassion while also not turning away from your wife's hurtful actions.

25 years is a long relationship and it seems only natural to hold onto a flame of hope that there will be a happy ending to the whole wild story. Maybe it's possible to bracket the happy ending for now -- I mean, do your best not to focus on it -- and instead, if you still remain in contact with your wife, focus on small manageable steps? For instance, consistent attendance at therapy sessions, a series of conversations between the two of you without major arguments or emotional volatility, and other such stable interactions that would lay a foundation of stability for whatever kind of relationship you might have going forward.

Asking for dismissal of divorce proceedings out of the blue, deciding to reconcile and pick up where you left off with the highs of the relationship, demanding access to all that's on her phone ... .these are all big dramatic steps that seem likely to trigger some of her personal demons. It sounds like big gestures in one direction trigger fears and anxieties in your wife that produce a predictable counter-gesture in the opposite direction. And then you get the horrible emotional rollercoaster you've been riding that leaves you hurt and exhausted.

It can be very difficult to walk away from that rollercoaster, because when we're brought very low, it can seem that the only cure is to fall into each other's arms and reveal all the pain and hurt and how we long to fix it all ... .i.e. it can seem like the only cure is a dramatic rise back to the top of that rollercoaster. If you do maintain contact and some relationship with your wife, best to make a real effort to lay down some smoother tracks. That means giving up on a sudden, miraculous turnaround. But it's likely the only way to lay down a real foundation and avoid another major crash.

[bestintentions]

rfriesen,

Thank you for your ever-thoughtful response.

I was never expecting a miraculous turnaround.  I was expecting bumps, but my one main boundary was that she stop all contact with other men of her own free will because she wanted to work things out with me.  I didn't think that was much to ask based on what's happened, and seemed like a logical first step to regaining trust.  It doesn't appear it will happen.

bi

[love4meNOTu]

Hi bestintentions -

I read your post very early this morning, and could not stop thinking about what you've gone through. I know you weren't looking for any sort of advice, but I am 3 years post-divorce from uxhwBPD and wondered if I could offer some support based on my time/ distance from my ex/ and the divorce. I guess you could say I exited the FOG some time ago.

When I look back now at the behaviors that at the time left me shaking my head with incredulity, I now see those behaviors as obvious signs of mental illness.

If I may go back to your story as an illustration:

Your soon to be ex sent you and email/ text with suicidal threats, accusing you of separating her from her children. Your children are adults, but yet YOU are to blame for the lack of contact between your ex and her children.

1. Your ex feels abandoned by the children, feeling the loss of connection and swings wildly from accusation to accusation, trying to find somewhere to put the shame or desperately trying to feel some sort of connection with someone, anyone, even you - the person she has painted black.

2. You respond to that plea/ threat. (Check - threat of attachment coming to an end has gone away)

3. You come over and convey your concern over her welfare (Check - threat of attachment coming to an end has gone away)

4. You allow your self to be honest, reveal yourself to her, hear the things you've always wanted to hear from her... She convinces you of her sincerity and you both agree to dismiss divorce. (Check - threat of attachment coming to an end has gone away - and here comes engulfment)

5. Your wife begins to fear engulfment due to the closeness you achieved during your reconciliation. (Check - Back to Push/ Pull) and becomes so ill she tries to hurt herself. (Suicidal ideation - black / white thinking - what she feels NOW is what is TRUE).

6. Your wife then tries desperately to find some sort of attention (the other man/ men) and comfort. (Check - needs to reinstate some sort of attachment).

It must be like having third degree burns to live that way. Such terrible pain and trying to seek a way to stop the pain... anyway you can.

I wonder if you can find some pity for her someday, I definitely see and admire the amount of compassion and love you have for your wife.  I am truly sorry for all the pain you have gone through and I wish you clarity and peace.

I hope you proceed with divorce and now that you know the depths of her illness realize that she cannot help herself, she is mentally ill.

I will admit to you that I still have anger towards my x - but it lessens as the years go on.

LC

[bestintentions]

love4meNOTu -

Wow.  I appreciate your advice very much.  Very well articulated, and perfectly stated.  I agree.  It really helps to see this in black and white and an eerie calm came over me when I read it.

bi

[lovenature]

Hey bi, 5 months is a very short time apart when you were together for 25 years. I would recommend you continue reading, learning, and posting, while maintaining as much NC as is realistically possible. When you do have to communicate with her keep it as boring, non-emotional, and to the point as possible. Remember that a PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment; ALWAYS go by their actions, NEVER their words.