Lost in a world of pain and darkness. Struggling in Afghanistan

[LMNO]

New to the boards. Thought I'd share my story. Not sure if my ex has BPD or is a Narcissists . Seems to be a combination of both, although I am just recently discovering both PD's.

So- I'm currently working in Afghanistan. The love of my life , who is also my sons mother left me a few months ago for another man. I came here to give the 3 of us a better life, and am now extremely depressed and distraught, at times not knowing how to move forward. As if it wasn't bad enough in this place... .  

So I met her 10 years ago or so. I was 19, she was 26. We met as a result of mutual friends. Relationship didn't start as a normal one should. Lots of drugs and alcohol involved. She put off a lot of red flags from the start, but me being young dumb and naïve, I didn't go with my gut instincts, and continued on the path of what I thought was true love. To be quite honest I was head over heels in love, infatuated, obsessed... .   all of the above.

From the very start, as much as she said she loved me, she never once showed me an ounce of respect. I was treated like her little puppy dog most of the time. She would leave town to party in vegas, stay with male friends out of town with whom I was lied to and told they were merely long term old friends(I eventually found love letters from them proving it was more than that), sneak around with older friends(supposed friends) of mine who obviously wanted to hook up with her behind my back, and lie to me about all of it. Of course when she was called out on any of it I was blatantly lied to, or it was turned around on me making me the bad guy.

I mentioned there where drugs and alcohol involved. I consider my use of both at the time merely experimenting and kind of coming of age sort of deal, as most teenagers of this day and age usually do. She told me a lot about her use of drugs that where not something I would even contemplate doing. She was also clearly an alcoholic(drinking first thing in the morning, at work... .   ). I eventually grew out of most of this, other than drinking most weekends. With somethings she had told me about her past, I knew I should run the other way, but stupidly did not.

She eventually got pregnant("forgot" to tell me she stopped using her birth control). Me being an idiot, but wanting to man up to my actions, and thinking this would help to make her love me more, and help us be the family that I so wanted to be, talked her into it. She claimed she wanted an abortion, but agreed to have the child. Broke up 6 months after our son was born. I had to get an attorney and take her to court because she denied me seeing him. She was very vindictive in court, got caught in numerous lies by the court, attempted to get a bogus restraining order put on me. The courts saw through her act, and I at this point had gotten my act together and wanted nothing but to be the best father I could be. I got a lot of what I asked for in court, and this only enraged her more.

Once that was all said and done, 3 years later she  contacts me to reconcile. She continued to party throughout those 3 years, and had many failed relationships. She knew I still loved her immensely, and it would be easy to suck me back in. My childhood wasn't the greatest with my father not around, so I wanted to give him what I never had and what I think is best for him.

We were together for another 3 years or so before I came here. Those 3 years were not so great. She is extremely manipulative, and emotionally abusive. She pretty much turned me into a person I never was before her. I became really insecure and untrusting. I began to look through her phone at times, and every time I did I'd find she was texting/flirting/sexting with other men, having coworkers attempt to hook her up with other coworkers, having naked pics of other men emailed to her and so on. I was the bad guy of course. She'd kick me out and wed break up numerous times. Id attempt to move on while we were apart, yet other woman just made me realize how much I loved her even more. I was/am obviously a co-dependent as I now know and am trying to get past. I at times did my share of not great things as well, that I now see where a result of the alcohol I again started using heavily to cope with my intense feeling of hurt and abandonment.

Came here for a great paying job, so I could buy us a house(we were together again) and move on with our lives. She was extremely unsupportive the entire time, breaking up with me multiple times, playing the field while I'm here, and looking for the next best thing. Id come home for leave and there where obvious signs of her being with others while we were supposedly together, and yet it was all just " my insecurities".

Well, she has seemingly now found a guy that is willing to put up with her "issues", and has given me the boot once again. I'm completely devastated, as much as I know I shouldn't be, and am in an extreme state of depression. This guy is now around my son, and she makes it a point to rub it in, and tell me her hopes of having him replace me in my sons life. Im stuck here for a few more months, and cant seem to stop thinking about her, the new guy, my son, my blaming myself, and so much more.

Does she sound like she is a narcissist or has BPD? what can I do to move on and get over this pain I feel inside? Any thoughts or insight is greatly appreciated.

[Leaf]

Hi LMNO, Ten years is such a long period of time to be under the influence of someone like your ex. That it started when you were quite young makes it even more difficult. And to know your son is in her care while you're far away in Afghanistan, that must be so hard. I feel for you.

My exbf is BPD (w/NPD traits) and your ex might be a combo as well, maybe a little more on the NPD side. I've read 'Narcissistic lovers' by Zayn/Dibble and the book says the N views us as mere objects, is not capable of love in the traditional sense. She needs others for 'narcissistic supply', to make her feel special, to promote her 'false self', her facade. But like a drug the current supply eventually loses its potency, so they're constantly looking for new partners. According to the book old partners can never give them that rush a new partner gives, but when they're low on narcissistic supply they try to get some from old partners to tie them over until they find new supply. It's not a pretty story.

You sound very strong, responsible and trustworthy, and that might be why she was drawn to you initially, as they look for people with strengths their true self lacks. I'm so impressed that you went to Afghanistan. I really admire that.

I stayed with my ex longer than I should have and put up with things I never thought I would. This website taught me that this might be 'Stockholm syndrome' and 'trauma bonding'. Reading books and understanding what was going on (why I felt such a strong bond with him, why I kept going back although he did unforgivable things) helped me detach and find myself again.

LMNO, after all those years and all you have invested in that relationship and her constant betrayal you might be trauma bonded as well. 'The betrayal bond' by Carnes is a book about all that. It's also about what trauma does to people in general, PTSD etc. It also contains excercises some of which I found very useful, helped me get to the root of the problem. But a book is hard to come by in Afghanistan. Here's a link to an article and posts about it on this board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.msg1503448#msg1503448

[Mightyhammers]

Hello mate, well its stories like these that just make mine seem insignificant! Emotionally abusive and manipulative are ( Ive learned ) common traits in BPD. I take it you are still in contact with her while on duty out there? Have you thought of getting sole custody of your son when you get back?

[LMNO]

I appreciate the kind word's leaf. Unfortunately I'm so lost right now, I don't seem capable of seeing the good in my life or myself. Its very hard to be dealing with this here, with no one to talk to, in a place where men aren't supposed to have feelings like this or show emotions.

I don't know what kind of bond we have, but I know at least on my side it is immense. It sounds so ridiculous when I even think it, but I honestly just don't how or even if I can go on without her in my life. I have tried soo many times, to no evail. I can not understand why as bad as she has always treated me(and I take full accountability for what I have done as well), and never cared for me as deeply as I have her, why do I feel I'll never love anyone but her? In our times of being broken up, I have been with some really great women, and with my baggage and love for my sons mother, I've pushed them all away, and never really gave them a chance. I honestly feel like I'm doomed for the rest of my life. I will def be seeing a therapist as soon as I get home, which is long over due.

Mightyhammers- I cant really say that I'm in contact with her so much while I'm here. I call to speak with my son everyday. Its kind of a game to her whether or not she'll answer, and she def wont when shes with her new man. I may get to speak to my son, and I may not. She however likes to keep anything relevant to our son to herself, as she knows that it pains me. She is that person, that no matter how "happy" she may be with someone else or not, she does everything she possibly can out of spite to get under my skin, and continue inflicting me with pain.

I don't necessarily think she is a bad mom, although I do know my son's best interest's are not usually her first interest's. The court issue is a whole other battle. She is a very good actor. Ill have to cross that bridge once I'm home again. That is my ultimate goal though.

[Leaf]

I'm glad you get to talk to your son. It's good to have a sane father who thinks of you.

I can not understand why as bad as she has always treated me(and I take full accountability for what I have done as well), and never cared for me as deeply as I have her, why do I feel I'll never love anyone but her?

Sounds like trauma bonding all right. People bond deeper in the context of danger or risk, so you 'miss' something when you are in a healthy relationship. You miss the intensity, but intensity and intimacy are two different things. I had to learn that. Compared to you I've had a short relationship with my ex, less than three years, but I felt the same as you. I couldn't imagine I would ever find anyone else that attractive, I thought everyone would pale in comparison. I broke up with my ex three months ago and I've been reading a lot and now I'm breaking free of the bonds. It used to feel as if that would be quite impossible.

Your bonds are a lot stronger than mine, but you'll break free from them in the end. You come over as very intelligent and you describe everything so clearly, so once you gain more knowledge about BPD (w/NPD traits) and why you're susceptible to people with those disorders you can't remain 'lost' for too long. Time alone doesn't do it with trauma bonding as you have found out. There's work to do, otherwise we might make the same mistake again.

The court issue is a whole other battle. She is a very good actor. Ill have to cross that bridge once I'm home again. That is my ultimate goal though.

I've learned from another book ('In sheep's clothing – understanding and dealing with manipulative people' by George Simon) that it's best to create a win-win situation if you want something from a covert-agressive personality who is a good actor. They win, you lose, is what they want, but if they can't get that win-win is second best. Maybe when your son gets a bit older and more independent, your ex will find it inconvenient to have him around because that gives her less freedom to hang out with new men. It would be ideal if there was some way to let her think she manipulated you into taking care of your son.

[catnap]

Leaf mentions Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome, I thought you might like a link to this article: b]Why we stay:Traumatic Bonding,Intermittent Reinforcement,Stockholm Syndrome

[LMNO]

I greatly appreciate the links and references to the books. I have been reading lots about NPD over the net and a book called Narcissistic Lovers .BPD is something new that I just stumbled on when coming to this site. Will def check out the other books mentioned.

Reading all of this makes me feel crazy, even crazier then I have for the last 10 years for loving someone like her as much as I do. I always wondered every time her family members would tell me "We all know how she is. Were surprised your still around." It's all coming together now... .  

[GreenMango]

LMNO just wanted to say hi and welcome you aboard.  We are glad you found the site.   

[Leaf]

By the way, LMNO, I found this test and the results also helpful. Gives insight to your own personality. Very entertaining as well. It's weird to do a test and then get a fairly accurate description of your own personality. Maybe you also have traits that give you stamina in an abusive relationship. In case you haven't done it yet and have a little time to spare:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60827.0

[LMNO]

Thanks GM, much appreciated.

Tried that link Leaf... .   says its unavailable to me? Thanks anyways.

[AnalogGuy]

Oh Man,

I feel for you, I really do.  I was 20 when I started dating my BPDex.  We were together for 12 years, 10 of those married.  Obviously you're in really deep, like I was.  I know what it's like to recognize that you're being abused and still not be able to get away.  

It's hard to say if she sounds like a BPD or an NPD but she certainly sounds disordered.  You know, as hard as it is for you, I think she's doing you a favor by giving you the boot.  I know it hurt, I really do.  But here's the thing, it's not going to get better.  Just worse.  You can't fix her and you can't give her what she needs because it's impossible.  She's got a hole in her you aren't ever going to be able to fill.  

I bet you think you're doing right by your son by sticking with her (or trying to stick with her).  In my opinion it's not going to do him any favors to have a messed up relationship as a role model.

I felt the same was as you about how I thought I would never love anyone like I loved my Ex.  But when I finally got the guts to break away (it was REALLY hard, and she made it a lot harder) after maybe six dark months it started getting better.   That was five years ago and let me tell you, this past year has been the happiest of my life.

I gotta be real with you.  She's giving you a gift.  A way out.  Take it.

[Leaf]

Tried that link Leaf... .   says its unavailable to me?

O, it's been moved to L6 and you need more posts to enter or something. Outside link: www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

[LMNO]

Deep down I know your right AnalogGuy, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier... .  

When it comes to my child, that's one thing I've never been able to make my mind up on. I tell myself if we didn't have one I would have never talked to her again in the past ten years, but then I really cant make up my mind. The love I have for her just runs so ridiculously deep.

At times I feel like I was kinda brainwashed or something. Being 19 at the time, I don't necessarily think I was ready for something as deep as I got myself involved in, or the emotional abuse I've been put through. I def see that I wasn't capable of establishing boundaries in our relationship, or actually following through with what I new I should have done, which was leave her. I do see that some issues from my childhood greatly effect the way I have handled things, and why I find it so hard to break away with us being parents together.

She was my first and only love till this very day, and I'm about to be 30. Just hard to imagine my life without her after shes been a part of it for all of my adult years. Anyways... .   I cant make excuses, and really don't ever know what to make of the discombobulated mess that is my thoughts when it comes to this woman.

The results on that test are quite interesting Leaf, although my distraught mind state make deciphering the results a bit challenging. Thanks for tracking down the link

[AnalogGuy]

LMNO,

You could be writing about my own experience, except we never had a kid.  She was my first love, and we were married 10 years.  I loved her *so* much, I mean I had to in order to accept the abuse.

I think you are brainwashed in some sense.  Like you're not thinking really clearly.  I was the same way.  I know how it feels and I can guess the kinds of mistakes you're making in your thinking.  I bet you're always thinking if you had done this or that differently she would have been different and everything would be OK.  But I've learned it would never be OK.

Believe me I know what it's like to have muddy thinking about the woman you've loved your whole adult life.  I was there, I know pretty well what you're feeling.  I know how much it sucks, and how much it hurts, and how you'd give almost anything for her just to be nice and to respect you and love you the way you love her.  I know it.  

I personally think your life would be better on your own.  But you can only do that when you're ready.  I was on this website for 4 or 5 months before I finally made my move.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done but also the smartest move I ever made.

I know all about the mess of thoughts you're thinking.  I was there.  It took years for clarity to come.  Looking back I can see how much time and pain I wasted fighting a battle already lost.  You have to come to that place on your own, but you can get a lot of support here from people who really understand.

I'm sorry you're in such pain right now.  But I promise you, you deserve and are capable of a loving, positive relationship.  I have one now and let me tell you life can be sweet and bright, it really can.  

Also, don't blame yourself.  Your childhood issues didn't cause her to emotionally abuse you, or make your life a living hell.  It's not your fault.  No one makes all the right decisions all the time, you're human.

Some people have some success establishing boundaries.  I didn't.  At any rate, you're in a position where she probably expects you to try to win her back and accept all blame for everything.  Then the cycle will repeat.  :)o you really want that?

[LMNO]

You couldn't be more right on all that was said in your last post AnalogGuy. There is some solace in knowing I'm not alone I guess... .  

[optimismandlove]

Hi there LMNO

You are one brave, kind, compassionate man.

You obviously have a very strong sense of responsibility and service to others.   Being in Afghanistan is testament to that!

After 3 years I am slowly extricating myself from the control I unwittingly let my BPD partner have over my life.

The defining moment for me was having my 9yo son witness one of his rages.  Fortunately we have separate homes, unconventional but the only way I could have endured 3 years.  Had to have a safe place to return to and replenish my self.

I see a psychologist and took my son along and it came out very quickly how angry my son was for not standing up to my uBPD partner, bith for myself and also for him.

It really hit me.

I undertook not to take any more abuse or disrespect and my son understood things may get worse before getting better but was prepared to see it through with me.  My son is mature and insightful.  We did a role play and he got to act out me and my partner in a scenario where my son was being ignored, ridiculed and devalued.   

It was very powerful.

I am somewhat ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be duped by my partner.  I was completely smitten, he was the love of my life, the one Id been waiting for, we completed each other.  I forgave his bad behaviour because of his childhood trauma.  Lost myself completely.  Forgot I was actually a survivor myself of a messy childhood

The "love" is so exquisite, intense, they are so attractive, we feel so special they chose us

They are a drug, they intoxicate us, we are under a deadly spell, our own self esteem becomes poisoned

It is only after really distancing yourself in your mind from them that it becomes clear

You start looking at yourself through clear eyes and wonder how did such a strong, intelligent, articulate person become so lost

You are a born survivor.  You are strong. You are a wonderful father.

Focus on your son and what is really the best for him.   That is you, not her.   

He deserves you and you deserve him

Make him your focus and feel like you are gifting him by resisting the toxic spell she has cast over you

Resist becoming romantically involved with another lady for now.

Only when we have truly given our heart and mind space from the bewitching can we start to see things really clearly

I really feel for you but know that you are definitely not alone.  You have come to a wonderful place of support and understanding

Love yourself.  Love your son

Stay safe

Optimism

[AnalogGuy]

The defining moment for me was having my 9yo son witness one of his rages.  Fortunately we have separate homes, unconventional but the only way I could have endured 3 years.  Had to have a safe place to return to and replenish my self.

I see a psychologist and took my son along and it came out very quickly how angry my son was for not standing up to my uBPD partner, bith for myself and also for him.

Listen to this LMNO.  This is powerful.  Think about it for a while.

[Vegasskydiver]

Welcome LMNO.  I almost did exactly what you are doing... .   took a job in Afghanistan.  I am an Air Force Veteran and work for the Gov't, so the opportunity came up for me to take a position in Afghanistan.  It was during out first major break up last year.  I was so close to taking the job.  I wanted to get away from Vegas and was my exBPDbf out of my mind, and then I got sucked back into the whole mess again only for it to blow up in my face Jan 2013.  I wish I would have left.  Do you find peace in being far away?  I know that you have children, so that part is difficult.  My r/s lasted three years, sounds like you have so much more invested.  I am so sorry that you are hurting.  Sometimes it feels like I will never love another.  The boards have helped a great deal.  Reading everyone else's experiences makes me feel that I am not alone.  I never knew that so many others have suffered from partners who have BPD.  It's a long journey that I have only just begun.  I have been N/C since Jan and have been very strict about it.

If you need to vent, I will gladly listen, as will others on this board.  We are here to support one another and yes, it relaly helps!

[LMNO]

I am very happy to have found this board, and to meet so many other people willing to share their stories and words of encouragement. It def does give me a bit of hope.

I'm sure I will be posting here often, as everyday is a struggle for me. Cant say I have found much peace here really, although I'm sure its a bit easier here then if I was at home right now.

Every phone call home to my son is met with hurtful, hateful, spiteful words from his mother which are used to degrade myself and my spirits while here even more. It's hard for me to understand why, if she has a new boyfriend that supposedly makes her so happy, does she still have to be such a evil woman. I guess it's time to stop trying to understand her, as if I don't by know I obviously never will.

Anyways, thanks again for all the kinds words. People like you guys really do make the world a better place.

[optimismandlove]

Hello again

To your wondering if you will ever understand her, I would say probably not.

If you are anything like the rest of us rescuers the not being able to understand is the hardest thing.

It must be dreadful for you having to hear her rant when you call YOUR son

Brace yourself when you call your son, focus on a photo of your son and let her words just flow past you.  No engagement.

Is there any way you can write letters to your son or get email to him.  That way he can savour every word you say.

My 9yo son only sees his dad a few times a year but he hangs on absolutely every word and moment of what he shares with his dad.  That bond is very strong and will remain strong and grow even stronger as he grows up.

He absolutely loves getting letters and little parcels from his dad.

As you begin to release the grip she has had over you you will discover more energy and time for yourself and your life with your son.

Here for you

Take care

[HarmKrakow]

I'm not really sure what to tell you, the story fell quite heavy to me .

I seriously wish the best for you man, your story just reminded me again of how sick this disorder is.

[Thyrsos]

I really feel for you, brother... .  

I know what you are going through, and I understand your worry about what is going on back home.

But right now you have to focus at the task at hand!

You have to keep your wits about you and don't let your mind wander of to much.

I don't know your specific mission but there are probably people relying on you down there, in the sandbox.

You can't affect her and what she is doing, she is sick and her actions are only for her self!

And the guy she is with now is just being duped and manipulated, just like you have been, don't blame him or think less of him.

I know it's hard right know, but you will get through this, and soon you won't belive how you ever could have cared for her as much as you did/do now.

She is not worth a moment of your time!

I met my exBPD when I was fresh home from Afghanistan.

I was still struggeling with my nightmares and PTSD, otherwise I would never have fell for her bull~ and lies.

I'm a lot better now. Still have nightmares and a bit of hypervigilance but not that bad, it doesn't really affect my life that much anymore, I've learned to live with it and appriciate it even.

And she rearly crosses my mind nowdays. I even saw her a while back and I just smiled and said hello, she on the other hand looked like she had seen a ghost and looked really ashamed!

You will get there in time, if you just hang in there, I promise!

If you're going through hell, keep going!

Stay frosty, brother!

[LMNO]

Much appreciated Thyrsos. Thank you for your service

I really feel for you, brother... .  

I know what you are going through, and I understand your worry about what is going on back home.

But right now you have to focus at the task at hand!

You have to keep your wits about you and don't let your mind wander of to much.

I don't know your specific mission but there are probably people relying on you down there, in the sandbox.

You can't affect her and what she is doing, she is sick and her actions are only for her self!

And the guy she is with now is just being duped and manipulated, just like you have been, don't blame him or think less of him.

I know it's hard right know, but you will get through this, and soon you won't belive how you ever could have cared for her as much as you did/do now.

She is not worth a moment of your time!

I met my exBPD when I was fresh home from Afghanistan.

I was still struggeling with my nightmares and PTSD, otherwise I would never have fell for her bull and lies.

I'm a lot better now. Still have nightmares and a bit of hypervigilance but not that bad, it doesn't really affect my life that much anymore, I've learned to live with it and appriciate it even.

And she rearly crosses my mind nowdays. I even saw her a while back and I just smiled and said hello, she on the other hand looked like she had seen a ghost and looked really ashamed!

You will get there in time, if you just hang in there, I promise!

If you're going through hell, keep going!

Stay frosty, brother!

[whereisthezen]

LMNO,

Except for having your son away from you, I think that you being in Afganistan is for a REASON. No matter what you need to focus on you and your son. You are MAKING a good life for him. Even if you are there a year or two, you will be in a better place emotionally and financially to take care of him even with shared custody. Kids are resilient. Let him know you love him, can you send videos to him telling him you love him, miss him and things that make you think of him, that yourproud of him? Even if a family member cares for him apart from his mom, its good to have any/ all access to him by bonding with him as much as you can. You can't control things even if you were closer but you can strategically show him and give him love with technology and other family. Your time in the desert is helpful to your path, I think you can focus on you more without interference. After a BPD r/s focus has to return to you, your life, goals and parenting abilities. Head up!