Friends new relationship full of red flags & is triggering

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a friend who has recently broken up from a lengthy (non BPD) relationship which she took pretty hard. Last week she met the "perfect man". Handsome, wealthy charming etc. he wants to spend all his time with her, tells her he is the luckiest man in the world & has never felt this way before - all in less than a week 

I have sent her some links to info & have talked about my own experiences. But it is all triggering me really badly. I feel resentful that I had to deal with my own BPD breakup essentially in private but that she had lots of support during hers (I know this is not fair to her). I think I need to say that I am there for her but I can't enmesh myself in the details of this new romance because it is too close to the bone for me. I feel like I'm raining on her parade! Could it be that I'm just jealous? Have others had to sit by and watch friends become attached to potentially very damaging relationships, dreading that you may have to help pick up the pieces when you are still struggling to deal with your own issues on a daily basis?

[Wooddragon]

I have a friend who has recently broken up from a lengthy (non BPD) relationship which she took pretty hard. Last week she met the "perfect man". Handsome, wealthy charming etc. he wants to spend all his time with her, tells her he is the luckiest man in the world & has never felt this way before - all in less than a week 

I have sent her some links to info & have talked about my own experiences. But it is all triggering me really badly. I feel resentful that I had to deal with my own BPD breakup essentially in private but that she had lots of support during hers (I know this is not fair to her). I think I need to say that I am there for her but I can't enmesh myself in the details of this new romance because it is too close to the bone for me. I feel like I'm raining on her parade! Could it be that I'm just jealous? Have others had to sit by and watch friends become attached to potentially very damaging relationships, dreading that you may have to help pick up the pieces when you are still struggling to deal with your own issues on a daily basis?

[lockedout]

It sounds like you may be pushing the cart before the horse. It's possible that anyone you don't know can turn out to have just about any kind of a mental or personality disorder. He could be genuine and a genuine match for her too. There are many hypothetical possibilities; he could be a player, he may be out of a relationship of his own and also in the early stages of healing. He may be genuine and what he's saying hold at face value.

I would wait until you see some negative signs in him - we all know that they always come out at some point.

[Wooddragon]

Yes thank you - this is very good advice. And I think for my own sake I need to back off. Also there is probably an element of "what about me" in my feelings. She was back into an active social life pretty quickly whereas my Saturday nights are spent at home with my 9yo daughter. I feel like a social pariah with no friends & no support. I know this isn't true but our relationships ended at about the same time & I feel as though I have suffered very much alone. She has suggested a couple of people I should "shag". No idea of where I'm at emotionally.

I really hope this new thing does turn out well for her because I'm afraid that I won't be much help if it doesnt :'(

[mango_flower]

Food for thought (and please don't take this the wrong way!)

Is there an element of jealousy that she's getting the amazing honeymoon period?  Like, in some ways, you miss what YOU had back at the start? (I don't know your story so this may or may not be true!).

I dunno - I know I miss my honeymoon period loads and it would hurt to see somebody else getting similar. xxx

[lockedout]

Maybe you should consider your friend's advice... .   There's a lot of discussion as to when someone is ready to date after a failed relationship of any kind. how long you were together, how long you've been apart, your personality, the extent of what went wrong; all play into it. If you can separate "dating" from "seeking a committed relationship (not everyone can do this), one can start fairly early on, the other could take years, if ever. To quote someone else on here:

A new partner isn't the cure. You've got to find the cure inside yourself.  But a healthy new partner can also be part of what drags the cure out of yourself.

And if you can remember a movie from 20 years ago:

Well if anything's going to happen, it's going to happen out there. - Captain Ron

[Wooddragon]

Mango flower - yes indeed - jealousy about her honeymoon  & juxtaposed to that imagining my ex is saying/doing all the same things so renewed sense of loss

Locked out - I'm 7 weeks from finally ending it & NC. Im terrified of feeling anything for anyone at the moment & too risky to shag someone & invite the possibility of emotional attachment on my part. I think I may be currently very vulnerable to another unhealthy relationship. Also I see disorder everywhere!

[lockedout]

Whether you date or not (7 weeks is probably a little early), don't let your fear of seeking out new and healthy friendships and relationships be your ex's legacy. Church or activity groups are generally a safe place to start. Support groups if you can find one that applies to you in your area. When you are ready to give dating a shot, don't take it seriously or be afraid to tell those you date that you are "rebounding" and not seeking commitment. You may lose a few along the way but hopefully you'll learn that there are plenty of healthy people out there.

[HarmKrakow]

Its indeed likely we might be over sensitive to anyone around us, who might show the littlest sign of BPD and straight away 1.54x million alarm bells go ringing in our head.