Being ignored

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have figured out that most of the pain I've felt comes from her going NC after we broke up. I'm in T but thought I'd post this here. I think the fact that she is ignoring my attempts (haven't made an attempt for 3 months) was the source of my pain. Has anyone got any perspectives on what to work on when being ignored causes so much pain? I'm going to bring this up with my T next week but just thought someone else who has been doing some inner child work could giver their perspective.

[drummerboy]

I have figured out that most of the pain I've felt comes from her going NC after we broke up. I'm in T but thought I'd post this here. I think the fact that she is ignoring my attempts (haven't made an attempt for 3 months) was the source of my pain. Has anyone got any perspectives on what to work on when being ignored causes so much pain? I'm going to bring this up with my T next week but just thought someone else who has been doing some inner child work could giver their perspective.

[anxiety5]

I had this happen to me. I was cheated on. Tried to work things out but the relationship ended. We lived together. I found out she was seeing someone else, but I did not want to give her a validation moment by flipping out. I was calm. I helped her move her stuff and I left. When I came home I sat here on the couch, my life in shambles. Feeling lost and alone. She text me and thanked me for helping her. I tried calling her that night but she didn't pick up. I found out later she was out and hooked up with some guy. THE DAY SHE LEFT. A day I helped her move out. It was then I decided, I'm not going to call her, text her, etc until she does first. I felt like I was a tough guy for a split second. Big bad me grew a back bone. (so pathetic I was) I'm not contacting her until she contacts me!

7 months go by... .

Yep. 7 months. And I get a happy birthday message from her. Those 7 months were a hell I hope to never feel again. My soul which was hurting was ripped out, shredded and destroyed. I was angry all the time. On edge. I rarely slept. I gained weight, I spiraled into and out of depression. I found the negative in everything. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my job. I hated her. Anger consumed me. At night, the facade would crack and I would feel lonely, and hurt beyond words. That's when the real pain was felt. I would think through things. I would try to work things out in my head. What hurt me, so intensely was not us breaking up. Not her cheating on me, and not how fast she moved on. It was the fact I heard nothing from her for 7 months. It destroyed my sense of self worth. If you aren't in love with me? fine. If you don't want to be with me? fine. But after everything I did for her, after her cheating on me and devastating my life, after me trying to forgive her for that. After me trying to always do the right thing even at the end by helping her move, boom. Just like that, she forgot I even existed. I was thrown out back like an old tire. Useless. Broken. How could she not even wonder if I'm simply doing ok? How could she not wish me a merry christmas? etc etc. This destroyed my life for 7 months. I could not comprehend it. I could not move past it. It consumed me.

When you grieve for someone that was and is no longer there and it's sudden and cold, the loss is no different tan grieving a death. To me, she had died. Here, present all the time. In my life for 3 years daily and in the course of a 3 hour window, I did not hear or see her at all for 7 months. It was like grieving a death. A loss without answers.

I ignored her text. So she emailed me. I ignored her email, and there she was at my door one night in May. Back from the dead. I answered and almost had my heart stop. She comes inside. I looked at the ground, I could not even make eye contact. She asked what was wrong. I looked at her and felt the tears welling. I said, I don't know. I guess, I thought you'd wonder how I was doing or something. Maybe have said hello from time to time. This has been real hard for me. She lost it. She cried for 5 minutes without words. She apologized to me. She said that she wanted to come see me so many times but was afraid. She said apologized for hurting me. She said she realized she is the problem. She left my house that day and I never spoke with or have seen her since. That day I was able to close that chapter of my life. I appreciate her apology but I think it was more of a personal cleansing than it was about me. Regardless, I finally felt I could move on. I realize I was lucky. I was actually given some closure. But it came after facing the gates of hell for 7 months.

Looking back I would offer myself (and you) the following advice through what is now a gained wisdom:

Love yourself. You are special. And you deserve to be happy. Repeat that to yourself as much as possible in your head. Every morning, and every night.

Do NOT isolate yourself. Talk Talk Talk. Reach out to a good friend. Preface it with humor by saying, look I'm gonna be annoying and probably ramble about this person a lot but I need you right now to just let me do that, and I need you right now too. Be around family.

Allow yourself to feel the pain. Allow yourself to cry. After a week start to limit it to an hour each night. Learn to compartmentalize it but give yourself an hour to dwell, to sulk, to cry. After a few weeks, cut this to 30 minutes and so on. It's important you don't ignore your pain, it's the only way you can really heal. But don't let it consume you. You need to stay in control.

Work out and eat right. Sleep. A sound body = A sounder mind. Build yourself up. If you have never done so, build realistic goals. Anyone can create a healthier physique. It just takes time and commitment. And if you do this, you will build healthy self confidence through achievement. It's very powerful and helps relieve the stress too.

Seek counseling if you aren't feeling better in a couple months. It's ok, sometimes we don't have all the answers. Do whatever it takes to feel better.

DO NOT cyber stalk or pry. Nothing good will come of it.

As you start to feel better it becomes addictive to GET better. It's really important at this time to have a strategy in place to deflect them if they do call. One of the most liberating things you can do, change your number on your phone. It takes away all the heartache of them not reaching out to you when you know there is no way they can.

Your goal is acceptance. Your goal is to have an hour pass, then a day, then 2, where that person does not come into your mind at all.

Sometimes through our own darkest moments we are left with the pieces of our soul. But it's not always bad because it gives us the opportunity to rebuild a stronger, better, wiser, version of who we were.  And I can tell you if you can do these things you will have an inner strength, a feeling almost like surviving a battle or war. Where you realize you are stronger than you thought. This helps in the future. This traumatic time eventually can and will become a time when you are feeling weak or distraught in the future, you think back to in order to recall how damn strong you really are and that memory helps you survive whatever battles lie ahead.

It's up to you though to make that happen. You just have to decide when, and get started. And as the saying goes, if not now... .when?

[going places]

I have figured out that most of the pain I've felt comes from her going NC after we broke up. I'm in T but thought I'd post this here. I think the fact that she is ignoring my attempts (haven't made an attempt for 3 months) was the source of my pain. Has anyone got any perspectives on what to work on when being ignored causes so much pain? I'm going to bring this up with my T next week but just thought someone else who has been doing some inner child work could giver their perspective.

Being ignored, is abuse.

Silent treatment is abuse.

You two are no longer a couple.

For some it is easier to 'ignore' an attempt, than to say "not interested" (or worse).

Saying 'not interested' (or worse) open up dialogue; and maybe she does not want to converse.

If you or your needs were ignored when you were growing up; if you were in a traumatic situation and the outcome was you being ignored, then it will be harder for you to handle her not responding.

I personally have found my relationship with Christ fills that void, and soothes the ache of being abused with silent treatments and being ignored.

[going places]

double post... .grrrrr internet.

[lm911]

Same her. She was ignoring me until months ago I said something manipulative to make her speak and she spoke- after the converasasion was over it was then that I understood she has BPD. So the conclusion is that this is a defence mechanism and deeply inside her she is very hurt, empy, angry , confused, guilty.

[Deeno02]

I had this happen to me. I was cheated on. Tried to work things out but the relationship ended. We lived together. I found out she was seeing someone else, but I did not want to give her a validation moment by flipping out. I was calm. I helped her move her stuff and I left. When I came home I sat here on the couch, my life in shambles. Feeling lost and alone. She text me and thanked me for helping her. I tried calling her that night but she didn't pick up. I found out later she was out and hooked up with some guy. THE DAY SHE LEFT. A day I helped her move out. It was then I decided, I'm not going to call her, text her, etc until she does first. I felt like I was a tough guy for a split second. Big bad me grew a back bone. (so pathetic I was) I'm not contacting her until she contacts me!

7 months go by... .

Yep. 7 months. And I get a happy birthday message from her. Those 7 months were a hell I hope to never feel again. My soul which was hurting was ripped out, shredded and destroyed. I was angry all the time. On edge. I rarely slept. I gained weight, I spiraled into and out of depression. I found the negative in everything. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my job. I hated her. Anger consumed me. At night, the facade would crack and I would feel lonely, and hurt beyond words. That's when the real pain was felt. I would think through things. I would try to work things out in my head. What hurt me, so intensely was not us breaking up. Not her cheating on me, and not how fast she moved on. It was the fact I heard nothing from her for 7 months. It destroyed my sense of self worth. If you aren't in love with me? fine. If you don't want to be with me? fine. But after everything I did for her, after her cheating on me and devastating my life, after me trying to forgive her for that. After me trying to always do the right thing even at the end by helping her move, boom. Just like that, she forgot I even existed. I was thrown out back like an old tire. Useless. Broken. How could she not even wonder if I'm simply doing ok? How could she not wish me a merry christmas? etc etc. This destroyed my life for 7 months. I could not comprehend it. I could not move past it. It consumed me.

When you grieve for someone that was and is no longer there and it's sudden and cold, the loss is no different tan grieving a death. To me, she had died. Here, present all the time. In my life for 3 years daily and in the course of a 3 hour window, I did not hear or see her at all for 7 months. It was like grieving a death. A loss without answers.

I ignored her text. So she emailed me. I ignored her email, and there she was at my door one night in May. Back from the dead. I answered and almost had my heart stop. She comes inside. I looked at the ground, I could not even make eye contact. She asked what was wrong. I looked at her and felt the tears welling. I said, I don't know. I guess, I thought you'd wonder how I was doing or something. Maybe have said hello from time to time. This has been real hard for me. She lost it. She cried for 5 minutes without words. She apologized to me. She said that she wanted to come see me so many times but was afraid. She said apologized for hurting me. She said she realized she is the problem. She left my house that day and I never spoke with or have seen her since. That day I was able to close that chapter of my life. I appreciate her apology but I think it was more of a personal cleansing than it was about me. Regardless, I finally felt I could move on. I realize I was lucky. I was actually given some closure. But it came after facing the gates of hell for 7 months.

Looking back I would offer myself (and you) the following advice through what is now a gained wisdom:

Love yourself. You are special. And you deserve to be happy. Repeat that to yourself as much as possible in your head. Every morning, and every night.

Do NOT isolate yourself. Talk Talk Talk. Reach out to a good friend. Preface it with humor by saying, look I'm gonna be annoying and probably ramble about this person a lot but I need you right now to just let me do that, and I need you right now too. Be around family.

Allow yourself to feel the pain. Allow yourself to cry. After a week start to limit it to an hour each night. Learn to compartmentalize it but give yourself an hour to dwell, to sulk, to cry. After a few weeks, cut this to 30 minutes and so on. It's important you don't ignore your pain, it's the only way you can really heal. But don't let it consume you. You need to stay in control.

Work out and eat right. Sleep. A sound body = A sounder mind. Build yourself up. If you have never done so, build realistic goals. Anyone can create a healthier physique. It just takes time and commitment. And if you do this, you will build healthy self confidence through achievement. It's very powerful and helps relieve the stress too.

Seek counseling if you aren't feeling better in a couple months. It's ok, sometimes we don't have all the answers. Do whatever it takes to feel better.

DO NOT cyber stalk or pry. Nothing good will come of it.

As you start to feel better it becomes addictive to GET better. It's really important at this time to have a strategy in place to deflect them if they do call. One of the most liberating things you can do, change your number on your phone. It takes away all the heartache of them not reaching out to you when you know there is no way they can.

Your goal is acceptance. Your goal is to have an hour pass, then a day, then 2, where that person does not come into your mind at all.

Sometimes through our own darkest moments we are left with the pieces of our soul. But it's not always bad because it gives us the opportunity to rebuild a stronger, better, wiser, version of who we were.  And I can tell you if you can do these things you will have an inner strength, a feeling almost like surviving a battle or war. Where you realize you are stronger than you thought. This helps in the future. This traumatic time eventually can and will become a time when you are feeling weak or distraught in the future, you think back to in order to recall how damn strong you really are and that memory helps you survive whatever battles lie ahead.

It's up to you though to make that happen. You just have to decide when, and get started. And as the saying goes, if not now... .when?

Well said. Im kind of a baby to all this, 21 days NC, 34 days break up, and so far she has not reached out at all. Probably because either she really hates me and/or taking up her time with the replacement, but I dread the day she does. Not alot of choice in it since she coaches my son in volleyball... . I dread being around her in that capacity, but, when it does happen, I will be the most aloof, carefree guy she ever saw. I want her to see that Im not suffering(even though I am) and I will not be taken for granted. I wish nothing but the very worst for her and her life and I hope the replacement guy crushes her soul so she can suffer like I have both during the relationship and after. I hate her guts, but still love her. I pray dailey for her love but dont want it.

[anxiety5]

Some advice, don't be too aloof. That's a sign that you are hurting too. Like the stereotypical person who is mad and turns the other direction everywhere you are or won't look at you, but instead looks past you or beyond you.  My advice, be very very laid back and relaxed. Smile a lot. And when you see her say hi first but casually. "Hey. how are you" smile and if she starts talking to you don't say much. "I'm doing good. Hanging in there. Work is busy as heck." Don't ask her how she is doing back though. So many subtle things. Being relaxed and calm = she will understand she isn't keeping you sleepless at night. Being pleasant = you've accepted things and that means are moving on. Don't really ask much about her = you don't really care how she's doing. And you also don't give her the stage to tell lies about how she's soo much happier, etc.

It's a game unfortunately. But you have to play it until you really are this way, whole, for real.

[Octy]

Just looking for some wisdom in older posts. My exBPD actually warned me to "try me one more time", meaning outing her lies and cheating. Silence from her side since.  Of all the blame I take upon myself(and I still take my share, just less than when I  first was out) my dignity loss shows what a hurting cowboy I was. Can you even be ready for such a relationship? My heroes are people who have had yrs of their life and their finances made GONE in any relationship, yet went on like the stoic I thought I once was. Then I think that these same people would have walked away so much sooner. Maybe. Maybe not.  

 I even saw myself in all her exes at the end. She laid to waste to them and talked negatively of each one. Left broken and taking everything she could dish out.

(anxiety5, second post on thread is what prompted this) 

[Turkish]

You mention "inner child." If you grew up in a home where you experienced neglect,  this may be something to explore. This may sound obvious. However,  growing up in such a home,  children may develop coping mechanisms which can result in the child being unaware on a logical level that they were neglected. It's why a fair number of us here end up in these relationships,  searching for that which we lacked.

[bus boy]

drummerboy, the silent treatment or the n/c from our ex partners is painful to say the least. My Xw has been gone for 2 years, sometimes I feel great with her n/c and sometimes the silence crushes me. For me I look at it as the stages of grief. Last week I was crushed, this week I feel better. I get baffled at this about me, after the horrible emotional abuse I suffered while we were together, the way I was heartlessly discarded, the horrible vicious way she talks to me now, I should relish the silence but it does hurt. On the other side of the coin, it shows us how normal we are, the BPD/NPD tells us how horrible we are, how horrible we treated them, they turn around and have a new partner in 2 shakes of a lambs tail. Normal people with emotions and empathy need time to heal before moving on, they don't have to bc it is nothing to them. They are emotionally sick, equivalent to children.

[JaxWest]

drummerboy, the silent treatment or the n/c from our ex partners is painful to say the least. My Xw has been gone for 2 years, sometimes I feel great with her n/c and sometimes the silence crushes me. For me I look at it as the stages of grief. Last week I was crushed, this week I feel better. I get baffled at this about me, after the horrible emotional abuse I suffered while we were together, the way I was heartlessly discarded, the horrible vicious way she talks to me now, I should relish the silence but it does hurt. On the other side of the coin, it shows us how normal we are, the BPD/NPD tells us how horrible we are, how horrible we treated them, they turn around and have a new partner in 2 shakes of a lambs tail. Normal people with emotions and empathy need time to heal before moving on, they don't have to bc it is nothing to them. They are emotionally sick, equivalent to children.

Yeah, the silent treatment can hurt more than the arguing. I agree, sometimes the NC feels good, but then other times it really hurts. There is no closure, just gone. She restricted me on facebook, but had access to see my stuff. To me, that was the slap in the face, because I was the one giving her a chance and willing to talk about things. She labeled me, then just discarded. My friends/coworkers got thrust into this more than I would have thought, because she sought them out. In some cases, that was more embarrassing, but they are friends for a reason. Because of this, it actually helped. I had confirmation. I had people telling me that they were worried, because she was just "off". I still do not know if it is BPD or not. Sometimes it feels more like something in Cluster A. As you said, normal people need time to heal and cannot just jump into something. My friends have seen this and have said that from the beginning everything she has done has been inappropriate. They kept encouraging me to just cut all contacts and not let her back in. So, now, I have her blocked on facebook. I have her blocked on my phone. If she reaches out to me about work, I forward it on to my boss so I do not have to deal with it. There are only 2 people that I can say this about. I will remain amicable with all ex's, other than the BPD and this one. I have even been cheated on by somebody, but I am amicable toward her. These two... .I just can't.