Finally over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my bro got back the last of my stuff she had been holding onto and gave her back hers ... .He told her everything he and my family and friends thought about her over the course of the r\s and how she had treated me used , cheated on and discarded as well as

tried to destroy me as she left ... .

I'm surprised she even had the cheek to meet him face to face .


Its been six months and I feel rotten this is a hollow "victory" I feel empty and I miss her I'm actually shaking

But hopefully this is over now I can't see her ever trying to reach out after she knows what my family and friends think .

[dobie]

So my bro got back the last of my stuff she had been holding onto and gave her back hers ... .He told her everything he and my family and friends thought about her over the course of the r\s and how she had treated me used , cheated on and discarded as well as

tried to destroy me as she left ... .

I'm surprised she even had the cheek to meet him face to face .


Its been six months and I feel rotten this is a hollow "victory" I feel empty and I miss her I'm actually shaking

But hopefully this is over now I can't see her ever trying to reach out after she knows what my family and friends think .

[LonelyChild]

Telling her stuff has no effect. Just realize she's not even a person, just a physical meatsack driven by a broken AI. She will never get it. EVER.

I always held on to this fantasy that one day my gf would "wake up", open her eyes and realize how much I cared and how much love should could get from me if she could just work on the r/s with me. It doesn't happen. Ever. There's no hope. Maybe their behavior can be adjusted somewhat after years of therapy, I don't know. But consider if you correct the behavior at age 25, or even 20. That's TWENTY YEARS of emptiness. You can never heal from that to the point of being whole.

[dobie]

Telling her stuff has no effect. Just realize she's not even a person, just a physical meatsack driven by a broken AI. She will never get it. EVER.

I always held on to this fantasy that one day my gf would "wake up", open her eyes and realize how much I cared and how much love should could get from me if she could just work on the r/s with me. It doesn't happen. Ever. There's no hope. Maybe their behavior can be adjusted somewhat after years of therapy, I don't know. But consider if you correct the behavior at age 25, or even 20. That's TWENTY YEARS of emptiness. You can never heal from that to the point of being whole.

I hear you bro thing is she reacts with anger or tears so it must have some resonance on an emotional level ? My x had BPD traits high functioning not sure she was full BPD never diag just her behaviours actions etc

Selfish , immature , paranoid , empty low mood , anxious , resentful , etc , early idealisation followed by devaluation inability to accept criticism low empathy , victim mentality ,

[LonelyChild]

Telling her stuff has no effect. Just realize she's not even a person, just a physical meatsack driven by a broken AI. She will never get it. EVER.

I always held on to this fantasy that one day my gf would "wake up", open her eyes and realize how much I cared and how much love should could get from me if she could just work on the r/s with me. It doesn't happen. Ever. There's no hope. Maybe their behavior can be adjusted somewhat after years of therapy, I don't know. But consider if you correct the behavior at age 25, or even 20. That's TWENTY YEARS of emptiness. You can never heal from that to the point of being whole.

I hear you bro thing is she reacts with anger or tears so it must have some resonance on an emotional level ? My x had BPD traits high functioning not sure she was full BPD never diag just her behaviours actions etc

It absolutely has emotional effect. But there's no context. She only thinks "something said something bad, it hurts, I'm angry." She doesn't reflect on it like a healthy human being would: "someone criticized me in a hurtful way, what did I do wrong? what could I have changed in my behavior to not hurt the other person?". That doesn't exist in her world. If it had, you wouldn't be here right now.

It's like when a dog becomes aggressive if you try to take away its food. It doesn't think "next time I'm going to hide my food" or "why is he trying to take my food, do I not deserve it?". It's just "food. mine. GO AWAY *grrr*". That's what's going on in her broken mind.

[dobie]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

[dobie]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I wish I knew for a fact she had BPD , what I do know is she is never happy as she said "I can't let myself in case things go wrong " .

Apparently her happiest time was being at a bon jovi concert that's what prompted her detachment I was not there she had a great time with her gfs

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

Wow, that's sad.   Do you think you recreated similar types of chaos in your adult life because it felt familiar? I'm coming to realize that, unconsciously, I've done that as well.

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

Wow, that's sad.   Do you think you recreated similar types of chaos in your adult life because it felt familiar? I'm coming to realize that, unconsciously, I've done that as well.

I didn't create it, I accepted it. I'm passive. I believe I accepted it because it felt familiar, and I believed that the chaos and drama she created was love. Because my father taught me that's what love is. Which I realize now, it absolutely is not.

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

Wow, that's sad.   Do you think you recreated similar types of chaos in your adult life because it felt familiar? I'm coming to realize that, unconsciously, I've done that as well.

I didn't create it, I accepted it. I'm passive. I believe I accepted it because it felt familiar, and I believed that the chaos and drama she created was love. Because my father taught me that's what love is. Which I realize now, it absolutely is not.

My bad... ."created" was a poor choice of words.  "Chose it" would have been better, "accepted it" is probably the best way to say it. Did you come to your realization about what love is and what it isn't through this last r/s?

[dobie]

My bro told me she felt bad for the way she broke up with me and even said she couldn't see or speak to me in case she came back in the early days

He got her to admit I was not the problem for her sadness as well though she did try and blame me for xyz and bring up stuff from years ago

I'm shocked she even accepted any responsibility or accountability .

She knows as well she admitted she would find it hard to find another man like me and she does respect me


She said our constant fighting was what drove her away and that we drifted apart .

That she still cares about me .  my bro said she was chicken to see me but she was shocked at how well I handled the BU like a man .

My bro said her skin looked awful full of spots etc

[LonelyChild]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

Wow, that's sad.   Do you think you recreated similar types of chaos in your adult life because it felt familiar? I'm coming to realize that, unconsciously, I've done that as well.

I didn't create it, I accepted it. I'm passive. I believe I accepted it because it felt familiar, and I believed that the chaos and drama she created was love. Because my father taught me that's what love is. Which I realize now, it absolutely is not.

My bad... ."created" was a poor choice of words.  "Chose it" would have been better, "accepted it" is probably the best way to say it. Did you come to your realization about what love is and what it isn't through this last r/s?

Yes. Through this r/s, which almost made me commit suicide, I realized many things.

My father is severely disordered. My ex gf is severely disordered. Love is not hitting, being abusive, etc. Love is not needing and craving, it is about giving, and healthy love is there by choice, not because you feel anxiety if you lose it. My upbringing has been hell, and was absolutely not normal. These things I've realized through my r/s with my exBPDgf, which is also my only real r/s ever.

[LonelyChild]

My bro told me she felt bad for the way she broke up with me and even said she couldn't see or speak to me in case she came back in the early days

No, she's saying that because she wants you to be around, in case she ever needs you again. pwBPD do not feel bad for things they have done. If they had, they would reflect on their behavior and adjust it over time.

[jhkbuzz]

I feel sick broken and hurting I just wish I'd never met her this has been the most painful experience of my life  :'(

Yes, I understand. I almost killed myself over it. You WILL get better, but it's going to hurt like f for a while. I PROMISE you that the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to how you would feel if this r/s lasted for another 10 years before crashing, or the anxiety you would get if you were to stay with her for life.

Read the stories. There's no hope. She will not be happy with someone else. Ever. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good looking enough, have a big enough d***, not muscular enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, or anything else. You could be a billionaire model with 10 Ferraris and 15 inch d***. It still would not be enough. She's broken to the core. She's not a real human being, just a body with an AI.

I don't know what an "AI" is - but she is a real human being, for sure. More than likely a mentally ill human being. I understand your anger and pain... .I've felt it myself. But dehumanizing her isn't the answer for you.

An AI is an artifical intelligence, ie machine intelligence.

No, they absolutely are not real persons. I don't have any anger - I love my exBPDgf. Somewhere, DEEP inside of her, there's a tiny little fragment that remains from when she was a toddler. Everything else is just bs to fill things out. pwBPDs are not real persons. They do not have a sense of self. They are zombies acting on input. Like pavlovian dogs. It is incredibly sad and depressing, but that is the reality of it.

I've read your posts. She is clearly a very, very damaged human being.  If you can accept that, understanding that her behavior wasn't personal to you, if you can move through all the stages of grief (including anger) and begin to focus on yourself, your life will improve.  Get the focus off her and ask yourself the hard questions - why you were willing to stay in the r/s for two years when your boundaries were being crossed all over the place?

Thanks for taking the time to read them. I have accepted that it's not my fault. The process has been fairly quick, perhaps because she's so sick. My life is improving. I'm finding myself.

That doesn't change the fact (mild variants of BPD may differ, I don't know) that pwBPDs, absolutely the low functioning ones and probably many of the high functioning ones, do not have a self. You can never get to know them, because there's no one to know. They are trapped in a lower state of consciousness. It must be absolute torture for them to be forced into a society that requires high-level reasoning skills and a high level of coconscioussness. I empathize with that. But you need to treat them for what they are - not persons, but rather pavlovian dogs acting on input and emotions, not ruminating, not reflecting on things, not considering context, not considering other's way of looking at their behavior. It must be ABSOLUTE HELL to be so lonely in the world, lost in a fog of semi-consciousness.

And an answer to my question?... .

My father has severe BPD. I realize now how insane my childhood was. This is the reason I could take the abuse. My father abused me (actually the entire family) throughout my childhood.

Wow, that's sad.   Do you think you recreated similar types of chaos in your adult life because it felt familiar? I'm coming to realize that, unconsciously, I've done that as well.

I didn't create it, I accepted it. I'm passive. I believe I accepted it because it felt familiar, and I believed that the chaos and drama she created was love. Because my father taught me that's what love is. Which I realize now, it absolutely is not.

My bad... ."created" was a poor choice of words.  "Chose it" would have been better, "accepted it" is probably the best way to say it. Did you come to your realization about what love is and what it isn't through this last r/s?

Yes. Through this r/s, which almost made me commit suicide, I realized many things.

My father is severely disordered. My ex gf is severely disordered. Love is not hitting, being abusive, etc. Love is not needing and craving, it is about giving, and healthy love is there by choice, not because you feel anxiety if you lose it. My upbringing has been hell, and was absolutely not normal. These things I've realized through my r/s with my exBPDgf, which is also my only real r/s ever.

Those are some amazing realizations. And there were times I felt suicidal too, so I understand.  Not that I came close to acting on anything, but more that the pain was so intense at times that it would be easier to just be gone... .yanno?

Thankfully it passed - 7 months out and I'm feeling much, much better.  I started seeing a T and am beginning to get to the root of why I chose to be in the dysfunctional r/s I was in, and why I put up with so much for so long. Lots of FOO issues to think about.

When you feel ready, consider re-framing the story of this r/s in your mind... .you can choose to do that, you know.  I know you're hurt, angry and upset at your ex's behavior - with good reason.  But instead of feeling that you are a victim of her BPD, perhaps you can start viewing it from a more empowering lens.  You chose the r/s, and it had many powerful (albiet painful) lessons for you - about love, about life, about what you want for your future.  You likely needed to think about these issues because of your painfully dysfunctional childhood. How can you use what you've learned moving forward?

[JohnLove]

Telling her stuff has no effect. Just realize she's not even a person, just a physical meatsack driven by a broken AI. She will never get it. EVER.

I always held on to this fantasy that one day my gf would "wake up", open her eyes and realize how much I cared and how much love should could get from me if she could just work on the r/s with me. It doesn't happen. Ever. There's no hope. Maybe their behavior can be adjusted somewhat after years of therapy, I don't know. But consider if you correct the behavior at age 25, or even 20. That's TWENTY YEARS of emptiness. You can never heal from that to the point of being whole.

Hi LonelyChild... .verrryyyy interesting perspective you have there. Many aspects do seem to fit.

[LonelyChild]

Those are some amazing realizations. And there were times I felt suicidal too, so I understand.  Not that I came close to acting on anything, but more that the pain was so intense at times that it would be easier to just be gone... .yanno?

Thankfully it passed - 7 months out and I'm feeling much, much better.  I started seeing a T and am beginning to get to the root of why I chose to be in the dysfunctional r/s I was in, and why I put up with so much for so long. Lots of FOO issues to think about.

When you feel ready, consider re-framing the story of this r/s in your mind... .you can choose to do that, you know.  I know you're hurt, angry and upset at your ex's behavior - with good reason.  But instead of feeling that you are a victim of her BPD, perhaps you can start viewing it from a more empowering lens.  You chose the r/s, and it had many powerful (albiet painful) lessons for you - about love, about life, about what you want for your future.  You likely needed to think about these issues because of your painfully dysfunctional childhood. How can you use what you've learned moving forward?

Yes, I know what you mean. The pain was absolutely horrible. It felt like it would be less painful to kill myself.

It's only been a couple of months here. But I'm healing fast. Also seeing a T. I'm not angry anymore. She's absolutely broken. There's no hope for her. I can empathize with that.

I have reframed the r/s in my mind. I have realized it was all just lies on her part. That's the truth. I learned much from it though.

How can I use what I learned? I finally am developing a sense of self, which I've been missing much of my life. BPD and codependents are very similar, but still opposites. I think we're broken in the same way. But we act in opposite ways. BPDs put their ___ in others. Codependets let everyone put their ___ in them. So it's a "perfect storm" if you will.

[dobie]

My bro told me she felt bad for the way she broke up with me and even said she couldn't see or speak to me in case she came back in the early days

No, she's saying that because she wants you to be around, in case she ever needs you again. pwBPD do not feel bad for things they have done. If they had, they would reflect on their behavior and adjust it over time.

I'm not sure maybe if she can accept she played a role in the BU she is not BPD ?

Its not like she was gushing with remorse and regret she was still trying to blame me for xyz ... .

Not sure she wants me as a friend either , she is two scared to face me

[dobie]

So she said early in the BU she wanted to be friends


My bro text her thanking her and telling her I have no bad feeling towards her and could I just send her an email as there's some stuff I want to say to her in private and she has blanked my Bros text

Arghh

[LonelyChild]

So she said early in the BU she wanted to be friends


My bro text her thanking her and telling her I have no bad feeling towards her and could I just send her an email as there's some stuff I want to say to her in private and she has blanked my Bros text

Arghh

If you get back with her, the rest of your life will be like this.

[dobie]

So she said early in the BU she wanted to be friends


My bro text her thanking her and telling her I have no bad feeling towards her and could I just send her an email as there's some stuff I want to say to her in private and she has blanked my Bros text

Arghh

If you get back with her, the rest of your life will be like this.

She won't take me back even if I wanted she has just said her piece to my bro and I'm back to be forgotten and discarded .

She is still angry /resentful I just wanted to send her an email and end it nicely with comppasion and friendship but no that's too much for her

"So I feel bad for trashing his bday and how I broke up with him"

"I respect him and think he is intelligent "

"I had to go NC early on so he wouldn't bring me back for a year "

" I realise he is perhaps not responsible for making me unhappy "

And then blam blank good bye blocked ignored my bro

[dobie]

OK she has accepted my email I offered friendship and placed no blame it will be interesting to see how she responds I told her the truth I miss her as a friend and I miss the intellectual stimulation we shared and that I'm not trying to rehook up with her

[Infared]

For me personally... .after all that I went through... .I find it humanly disturbing that I miss her.

Why do I feel that way?

It's like missing a car crash, or a terrible bout with the flu.

I don't think that I will ever understand that part.

I know the is no chance of there ever being any kind of adult understanding between us. Not possible. I would never willingly put my head in that guillotine again for any reason.

Good luck with that.

[jhkbuzz]

For me personally... .after all that I went through... .I find it humanly disturbing that I miss her.

Why do I feel that way?

It's like missing a car crash, or a terrible bout with the flu.

I don't think that I will ever understand that part.

I know the is no chance of there ever being any kind of adult understanding between us. Not possible. I would never willingly put my head in that guillotine again for any reason.

Good luck with that.

I still miss the GOOD characteristics of my ex... .that really doesn't surprise me at all.  After all, I'm not a black and white thinker... .there are all kinds of shades of gray, and there are definitely qualities about my ex that I miss.  The problem is that she is also emotionally immature and destructive in r/s's - and being with her requires my acceptance of that ENTIRE package - which I can't do. So I miss her sometimes - but there's no longer a temptation to recycle.

I had a dream the other night, and in it she was talking about giving our r/s one more chance.  I don't remember how I replied, I just remember my reaction being an unequivocal noo!

I woke up feeling pretty good! 

[dobie]

For me personally... .after all that I went through... .I find it humanly disturbing that I miss her.

Why do I feel that way?

It's like missing a car crash, or a terrible bout with the flu.

I don't think that I will ever understand that part.

I know the is no chance of there ever being any kind of adult understanding between us. Not possible. I would never willingly put my head in that guillotine again for any reason.

Good luck with that.

Saw my T today, he said it was a form of me punishing myself and no good will come out of a "friendship" or a relationship with this women I need to let her go .

So hard , so so hard