How good were you at communication..?

[fizzingwhizbee]

I have a question for people on here ... how good at communicating were you with your Ex?

I'm beating myself up about not being good at communication... and thinking it could have produced a different outcome.


My ex and I broke up a few months ago. It was a strange break up, kind of mutual... although I had a very different view on why we were breaking up initially.

Things had been going downhill for 6 months and I was fully walking on eggshells trying not to upset him. The thing is, I'm not a great communicator in relationships - it comes from my upbringing whereby no one in my family really discussed 'feelings' or addressed problems head on, and I struggle to describe my own feelings... so i'm probably avoidant in some respects. I told my ex this upfront at the beginning of the relationship, and said to him that I would need him to be patient with my communication - he seemed fine with this, although i suppose I can't really say how he really took that... I had no idea about BPD at the time. He's either undiagnosed or just didn't tell me.

My ex was definitely a quiet borderline... and by the end of our relationship - the last two months, there was basically no real, meaningful communication, although i tried to the best of my ability. He was trying to pick fights and aiming snippy comments at me (he was never outright insulting - more the silent treatment, resentfully glaring at me type)

He slumped into full on depression, and we ended mutually because I thought he was going to 'work on his issues' 'get into a good routine, and have space' as he led me to believe. (I really had no clue about personality disorders)

He jumped into a relationship immediately after... I'm not sure if he kept me hanging around initially (we were going to try to be friends) to see when he could hook up with somebody else.


The one thing I'm struggling with, and beating myself up for is - if i'd have been a better communicator would we have had a different outcome?

There was a point where he seemed to just close off completely (It was after i got back from a holiday with friends that had been booked prior to the relationship). But the actual breakup didn't happen for 3 months - and even though we both new things were bad, he kept telling me things like -
'I won't break up with you because it's not really what I want',

and 'I don't want you to doubt that I want to be with you'

'It's not something you're doing wrong, it's me. My brain is messed up'

I don't get it, and I'm beating myself up about not being good at communication. I'd say that's the thing that I'm struggling to let go of this relationship for - thinking things like, If i'd have just been clearer when I expressed myself, it would be different

Thoughts?

[Mutt]

Hi fizzingwhizbee,



I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. I’m glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to others that are in a similar situation as you and can offer you guidance and support. How did you happen to hear about BPD? Did a T ( therapist ) suggest that your ex had BPD? Did you Google it?

Don’t be hard on yourself about not thinking about BPD, we’re not doctors, we do t have the schooling that it takes to diagnose complex mental illnesses. Only a professional can diagnose what we can look at are traits.

How long have you been broken up? Don’t blame yourself for the end of the r/s ( relationship ) there are probably a number of reasons from both sides, a r/s takes two people, two equal parts. I hear you about communication I’m in the same boat, that being said it sounds like you’re thinking a lot about what caused the break up, you probably miss your ex and a part of you wants them back.

If you think that you have a problem with communication then that’s something that you can work on for this r/s or future r/s’s. Are you done with this r/s?

[fizzingwhizbee]

How did you happen to hear about BPD? Did a T ( therapist ) suggest that your ex had BPD? Did you Google it?

My friend who's a doctor suggested it after we broke up. She suspected he was borderline before we broke up because of certain things i was describing about the relationship - she didn't tell me until after the break up though because she though it probably would have freaked me out... she's right, it probably would have. I hadn't heard of it until she said it, and i googled it and it just seemed to make everything about the relationship that was confusing, make sense.

I think my ex presents all of the 9 symptoms to a degree - although he definitely focuses inward. He's definitely quiet. I really couldn't tell what was going on for him a lot of the time.

How long have you been broken up? Don’t blame yourself for the end of the r/s ( relationship ) there are probably a number of reasons from both sides, a r/s takes two people, two equal parts. I hear you about communication I’m in the same boat, that being said it sounds like you’re thinking a lot about what caused the break up, you probably miss your ex and a part of you wants them back.

We've been broken up 4 months. I would say logically, I know that it was for the best, and that I don't want my ex back. But yes, probably a part of me still does want him back somehow. Part of me keeps wondering if my ex is being the perfect boyfriend for the new girl, and she's able to cope because she's better at communication...Some people on this board have managed to have really long relationship with their partners with BPD. It hurts that he jumped straight into a new relationship - it feels like our relationship never mattered.

If you think that you have a problem with communication then that’s something that you can work on for this r/s or future r/s’s. Are you done with this r/s?

Yeah - it's something that i'm working on with a Therapist already, so i feel positive about that.

[Turkish]

My ex called me a "bad communicator" near the beginning, and tried to send me to a couples' communication class by myself.  When I told her about it, she said,  "good luck with that." I was crestfallen. She joined me and said that she liked it. 

Good communication isn't just "bumping the gums," and she was good at that, and I was good at listening and validating... Until I shut down, which isn't good ombination either.  That was a poor combination of communication styles in the end. 

[incognitoMe]

I've struggled with wondering about my ability to communicate as well.  I was dumped yesterday, and I think she is really leaving this time.  I personally came from a family where there was a lot of conflict and shouting, so I avoid angry confrontation. I like to have controlled calm settings for working out problems. The majority of my relationships have had few fights, yet she tried to convince me that the fights were because I didn't have communication skills.  Her former relationships included lots of fighting, and her getting "kicked out" by her ex frequently.  She admitted physical violence on both sides with her ex.

It took 6 months to get her into couples counseling, and for the 3 months of it we did, she mostly used it as an opportunity to air out grievances rather than learn how to better communicate. She would spiral out and before long she began arguing with the counselor (a professional communicator) every session. She realized through the process she had BPD (with all 9 symptoms including the scary suicide threats, self harm, and violent rage).  She has thrown objects such as a potato peeler, and a mid-sized vacuum at me, and even punched me when I tried to stop her from banging her head on the wall. She said she was trying to give herself a concussion.  She once seemed to be trying to provoke me, and then screamed "Why won't you hit me? If you had any passion for me your would!"  I was appalled, and should have left after that.

This week we were playing with her cat, and he tried to bite my hand. I pulled my hand back and it lightly smacked her cheek. I immediately hugged her and apologized for the accident. She used that against me later for false equivalence and suggested her clear violence was the same as accidents during a play time with her cat.  Its all projection.  It is used to normalize her violence, and inability to communicate.  The final fight started after she screamed at me for suggesting she go to urgent care as she was complaining of body pain.

What I am realizing is that her need to convince me that I am bad at communicating was her way of avoiding her own issues, which were extreme. I should of course be trying to be a better communicator. We all should, but I was getting worse at communication around her because I was so afraid of her reactions.  If we get emotional we lose the ability to be kind and rational. In the long run it may be the case that being with a person with such poor communication skills will make us worse communicators as we get conditioned to expect and fear the type of conflict they inflict. 

I'd say we should both work on our communication skills, but for ourselves, and not harm our feelings of self-worth by blaming ourselves for other people's behavior.  Replacing you with a new lover is quite possibly a manipulation tactic.  You are not seeing what his current lover is going through.  It may be a nightmare on the inside, or at least will be soon.
 

[once removed]

it probably wasnt a lack of knowing the communication skills that was the catalyst for the breakup, specifically. it sounds like there was a lot going on, some with you, some with him, some between the two of you, and that there wasnt a great deal of trust in the relationship.

when youve invested a great deal in a relationship and a person, and they jump into a new relationship, it can really compound the feelings of rejection you may already be experiencing from the breakup. it happened to me too 

It was a strange break up, kind of mutual... although I had a very different view on why we were breaking up initially.

what was your view? what was his?

[fizzingwhizbee]

there wasnt a great deal of trust in the relationship.

Up until we really started to go downhill I would say I did trust him... I was confident in the relationship, he seemed unhappy from about 6 months in… I put it down to it just being a rough patch, and us still figuring each other out. I thought we'd work through it. Mostly he explained his unhappiness was due to his work situation (and in his defence, he did have an unsettled time at work the whole time we were together.)

One theme that started about 3/4 months into the r/s was, he kept saying he felt like he wasn't good enough for me - but I took that as just low self esteem and tried to reassure him from that angle... it never really seemed to work.

It was a strange break up, kind of mutual... although I had a very different view on why we were breaking up initially.

Well..  When he really got depressed we had discussed that it was depression that was the issue... and while i was trying to see what else it could be (googling, asking a doctor etc.) bpd never came up. So although it didn't seem to quite fit entirely, I just accepted that was it - he was depressed, and I  excused all of his behaviour because of that (he was generally being passive aggressive and mostly looked at me like he hated my presence).

There was only one time I really tried to address his behaviour with him, he got to the point where he wouldn't let me even touch him, but would flinch away from me in a really exaggerated way... so when I got him to actually sit down and talk I asked him did he want to be with me - he said yes, he asked if i wanted to be with him, I said yes.

Once we'd cleared the air things were fine for a couple of days... at least, I thought. Throughout this whole period he blamed himself for his behaviour and really seemed ashamed. He would say things like 'I can't even be nice to those I'm supposed to love' (He was also not being v nice to the one family member who has stuck by him)

During this time he said he needed space to get himself together, to sort himself out, and... because none of my suggestions or encouragement seemed to be working I was like 'ok, cool - if thats what you're telling me you need, then I support you, whatever you need’ So we agreed he would move out.

Then, before he had a chance to move out, and him still being sullen etc, he messaged and said that he felt that the main problem was that he didn't feel good enough, and that he didn't know what to do to change his self esteem, maybe it would change after he moved into his own place and got back to good routines like exercising etc, but it was stressing him having me hanging around waiting for him to get better. I suggested maybe we could go on a break - get back together once he felt he was on the right track, but he said that would be no different.

He said he expected we would still talk the same amount, see each other the same amount regardless if it was a break or a breakup. So I said ok, if that's what you want - I will always be there in whatever capacity he needs. Neither of us explicitly said 'ok, we're broken up'... and in my head, I thought he was just going to get a bit of space and we'd get back together.. I guess i was very wrong about that!

The last proper message exchange (when he actually messaged off his own back being nice so I thought) was to tell me I am a fantastic person through and through... and he was so sorry for everything and that he really blamed himself and was beating himself up about it - I said I didn’t blame him, so he shouldn’t. It wasn’t his fault he was unwell.

Then he went and jumped straight into the next relationship.

At first, I didn't know about the new relationship - I was messaging him thinking he was still depressed, and wanted to be supportive (I also didn't know about the bpd at this point, and didn't find out about the new r/s for a month and a half)
I guess he found his replacement then, because 1 week after our breakup chat he phoned me reacting to one of my messages he misread, and started saying we couldn't be friends he needed closure and to move on with his life, he never felt good in our r/s, he never felt good enough, should never have asked me out etc etc... like it was all my fault.

My reaction to that besides shock was to ask him 'what did I do to make you feel that way during our r/s'... He couldn't tell me - it did stop the tirade in it's tracks though and he choked out that it was his issue, the problem was with him.

I can't really tell you what his thought process throughout this whole timeframe was... the whole scenario is massively confusing for me. Clearly he decided sometime that we were not going to work out...but then why string me along? The whole timeframe for this was 3 months, and he kept saying he didn't want to break up with me because it wasn't really what he wanted.

It hurts a lot. I’m still struggling to process it really… it’s hard to accept and detach. I really thought we could work things through. Since learning about bpd though... logically, I do know that we aren't really right for one another. I guess the answer I am still looking for is, did he really love me? He said he didn't really want to break up with me...

He definitely seems very quiet bpd there was so much he was keeping under wraps... I only really saw glimpses when he lost his cool.

I think he does suffer with it though I realise I'm not a professional, but my medical professional friend suggested it, and I feel like I saw all of the symptoms at certain points looking back, other than self harm. He had suicidal ideation for sure - That he would tell me about and message me about constantly, black and white thinking, push pull... I think 'I don't feel good enough' was code for don't leave me, unstable relationships with family and friends, lack of sense of self - he once told me when he was in the depressive depths he ceased to exist... etc etc.

[fizzingwhizbee]

What I am realizing is that her need to convince me that I am bad at communicating was her way of avoiding her own issues, which were extreme. I should of course be trying to be a better communicator. We all should, but I was getting worse at communication around her because I was so afraid of her reactions.  If we get emotional we lose the ability to be kind and rational. In the long run it may be the case that being with a person with such poor communication skills will make us worse communicators as we get conditioned to expect and fear the type of conflict they inflict.

I found this too. I was aware that I needed to work on my communication before going into the relationship - that's why I was upfront about it straight away. But I found the longer we went on, the worse I became... I just didn't want to upset him.

I'd say we should both work on our communication skills, but for ourselves, and not harm our feelings of self-worth by blaming ourselves for other people's behavior.  Replacing you with a new lover is quite possibly a manipulation tactic.  You are not seeing what his current lover is going through.  It may be a nightmare on the inside, or at least will be soon.

Yeah, for sure. It was an issue I had going into this r/s and I don't want to keep carrying it around with me to the next! I also realised from this I'm codependent and I lack boundaries - so these are more things I can work on for myself.