Wanting a baby?

[jbmom]

My 14 yr old is adamant about having a baby. She and her 13 yr old BF concocted this crazy plan to get her pregnant. He has been grounded for life and then some after entering our house in the middle of the night to have sex with DD.  DD has major restrictions in place, due to her mental state we haven't gone in to complete shutdown as her BF's parents have because we know she would not be able to cope with it.

Radical Acceptance - she will have sex and we will be unable to stop her.

What I can't radically accept -- is her becoming a parent at 14.  She had crazy ideas of how they would get pregnant (ie running away for a month so they can be together and have sex to make this baby. We got her to assent to BC and will start next cycle (about 2 weeks).

We have had numerous conversations about what it would take to make raising a child successful at 14, she gets frustrated and walks away. OTher times we just get blank looks about the things she hadn't thought of.

Has anyone been through this? If she was 17, 18, 19 yrs old it would be different -- but she is still in middle school. We find her intent to do this alarming. No great advice from the T or P except get her on birth control and keep an eye on her.  W

I am not so sure she wants the baby but the attention from the shock value of having the baby at such a young age.

Anyone been through this with a young teen?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Justadude]

I've seen this on teen mom and Jerry springer. Maybe you should have them watch teen mom and have a few conversations? Maybe get a doll and have her carry it around.

[js friend]

Jbmom I would advise you to get your dd on birth control... .  and something like an implant would be good because she cant forget to take it.

or another thought would be to arrange for her to do some babysitting if you think she is capable enough... .  having said that My dd only babysat a few times and didnt enjoy it each time. She got so frazzled by the crying and not knowing what to do that she just couldnt handle it. Both times she babysat in our home so I was there to help her out... .  because I knew she couldnt do it by herself so she didnt get the overall experience of looking after a child on her own really.


Now she is dd18 and currently pregnant wtih her 1st child and never spoke about wanting a baby but one of her favourite shows were teenmom and 16 and pregnant.She could literally sit and watch them back to back for hours. Now she is preganant  I still think that 18 is too young because dd is very immature. She hasnt done anything with her life other than sleep around. After leaving school she hung around with girls who were all sleeping around and having babies so I guess it was inevitable that it was going to happen, and it didnt shock me in the least. When she asked me if I was upset I told her No, I wasnt but I was disappointed that she hadnt done more with her life before getting pregnant  

With due respect to Justadude I dont think that  looking after one of those dolls would have prevented my dd from wanting to have a baby... .  because im convinced she did it because she wanted to kep her b/f who was on the verge on breaking up with her.She had her mind set on it and loves the attrention that being preganat has brought her. Once her mind is set on something it is hard for her to be disuaded from doing it. I think that is the part of BPD known as concrete thinking.

[heronbird]

This is so difficult isnt it, you feel helpless.

One thing that just came to mind, can you talk to her easily? if so, then ask her to write a list of pros and cons for when she has the baby.

I did have that a bit with my dd, she used to say it for a few days then said nothing for a few months. Dont know why she waited until she was 18, shed gone and got an implant without us knowing, so sensible eh. They are so good.

Does your dd realise that they may take the baby away from her, what will that do to her, its not normal to have a baby at this age, let alone sex, just too young arent they. What about money etc.

Im talking like its going to definitely happen, but be aware that pwBPD are always dreaming and saying stuff they dont mean, tomorrow is another day, well not just tomorrow.

When my dd announced that she wanted a baby back in May, I panicked and I rang her care coordinator saying, we have to try to make her see sense, if she has the baby they will take it away from her, I dont want it, she isnt emotionally ready, we know nothing about the bf, she had only known him about three months. The care coordinator told me to calm down, stop over reacting (nice eh) and he said that if dd gets pregnant then she gets pregnant theres nothing anyone can do. He basically told me to shut up, I have complained about him but thats another story.

So my situation was very different in that dd was 18, much different but I was still so worried.

Please keep us posted, its so hard and I hope it changes for you soon.

[Justadude]

j's friend: good feedback. i didn't know they had implants so they can't get it out.

[js friend]

Hi justadude~ love the name btw , yes the implant is like a small rod that is inserted in the skin of the arm and lasts for aprox 3 years.

I took my dd to the GP and she got hers inserted when she was 15 and she first started going off the rails. They advised her to keep it in for at least a year if she had  no side effects, but she could insist on having it removed anytime she liked really as it is her body ... .  so Im assuming that she must have had it removed early last year

[heronbird]

Our psychiatrist told me that she was going to get intouch with the clinic to tell them not to take my dds implant out because the medication she is on is so dangerous if she gets pregnant.

[jbmom]

DD glorifies teen mom and that stuff.  We have had discussions, dialogue -- many. What we finally got to... .  blank looks, after a lot of validating yes you want a baby, but what about that baby will make you happy/content? Blank stares. My response -- until you can answer that question... .  no baby.

We also had to have the hard conversation that no nurse would allow a 14 yr old to walk out the door with a baby and no parental support. DYFS would be called in. and I had to explain that whole facet to life.  DD was removed from her family at age 5, so i brought it up. She knows best how horrible it is to be removed from your family. Do you really want that for your child? Do you want a child who you don't know where they are? Again -- blank stares.

Psych and I have both spoken with her. The medication she takes for depression are not safe to a growing baby. Does she understand that? Not really.

We also had to have the tough reality talk this past week.  The deal is, she has been hospitalized for mental health issue, has been excused from school 2x ( 2 diff schools) for pysch eval.  takes 3 medications, sees P and T.  No court would rule against us if we tried to get custody of her baby.  Then where would she be?  Growing up as the big sister to her baby? Having the two people she tries so hard to hate (but can't always) raise her child. And that is forever, not just until she is old enough.  Is that what she wants?  This conversation halted the talk... .  but I know she is still planning with BF.