call from my exgf

[Haddock]

Hello,

i visit this forum for long time, and it gave me some good informations. I am from germany, and we not have such a good forum here. I read many threads, and it comfort me a bit if i know i am not alone in this world with my problem.

i just get a call from my ex-gf.

Official we not stay together anymore since last december.I want to spare this part, as it is similar to many other storys here. But we still saw us one or two days a week. At these times we acting like a normal couple, holding hands, many i love yous, and also some bed-time. I always avoid some topics to not have a bad time with her. We stayed almost four years together, i had the full experience behind me, like honeymoon phase, Idealization and devaluation, push pull, physical and psychical abuse, extreme black and white thinking, outbursts at home and in public, and many more. I read books and a million websides about BPD. I tried different approaches, nothing helped. Impossible to talk about my feelings. If i start to talk about there were always two reactions from her. 1. she start to cry, and immediately she start to talk about how bad she feel, or 2. she get angry that i try to blame her for something. So my concerns are gone, and it was again only about her. At the beginning we went also many times in holiday together, which was really my best time in life with her. But also this was not forever. We could have the best romantic holidays in the world, but after a few days something came up, wrong joke, wrong words, sometimes even a wrong look, and hell brake loos, and all the nice experience busted. And whatever happend, it was exclusively my fault. In some rare moments she said she is some monster, but she forget this always quickly. Every story and timeline was twisted and she had another reallity then me, so i really start to belive that something is wrong with me. I went into therapie, after a few sessions my shrink told me that it is better for me to stop this relationship. At the end i literally walked on eggshells and always talked with my sweetest voice to comfort her. I really love her, i supported her where ever i could, and i would had done everything for her.

Long story short. Last tuesday we see last time. Again it was nice, met her best friend and we had dinner all together. We huged, we kissed, and her best friend mentioned what a sweet couple we are. On Friday morning she send me a message and told me she will be busy in the next weeks, and she will not be here for valentine day and for my birthday, which is next week.

I was shocked-two days ago she told me how much she still love me, and now she left! A few weeks ago she told me she met somone, but only talked together, not sure face to face or online. So it was clear for me where she will stay in the next time. Last sunday i send her a message and asked for a call, and that i want to see her one last time, to say good bye and make our peace together.
She answerd she not have time, and she will think about it. I asked her also if she start to see this new guy already, she answerd only sometimes. On Sunday i went crazy and called her in the evening, she said she not have time now but will be home in two hours and call me. So i drove to her place and waited for her. Two hours later she calls, and said she is at home now. I said really, i stay in front of your place, but you are not at home...silence from her side..then she said she is not at home, she is far away, but she will not tell me where she is. Then she start to cry, feeling so sorry about everything, it not had worked out with us, coz i never try to understand her, and so on. Yesterday we exchangend some more messages, she asked me how i am, and she feel so bad, that she hurt me, and that i was the best bf she ever had, and she wish i will find a new girl which can make me happy. And that we will go together trough this, as it is both difficult for us  She also wrote me that i am her family, what make me a bit confused. She still have Mum and Dad and a brother, and they all have a good connection.

But i couldn´t stop thinking about where she is, i even start to be worry about her. So i asked her best friend today if she knew something. She replyed, she didn´t know also, but 5 min later my phone rang, and it was my exgf. I picked up, she was already a bit in tears. I asked her where she is, i am worry about her. She still not want to tell me, but i forced her softly to do, so she told me she is in another country far away where she visit this guy she met online at the beginning o this year. She want to have just a good time and relax. And then she start to cry more and start to talk herself in range for exactly 30 minutes,and she let everything out. 30 minutes is was only about me, how bad i am, how selfish i am, how i never take care of her, that i never listen to her, i only make her feel bad, i make her to freak out, and after she have to feel bad about herself but only because i provoke her, , that i will always decide where we go, never lsiten to her wishes, that i never look at myself how bad i am, that we are not a normal couple because we always fight, i never reflect something and so on and so on. She said she not understand why i try so hart now to get her back, and that it is to late now, i should thought about that before when we still stay together.

 I just listend and been quiet. She mentioned not one time her part in all of this, everything was 100% my fault. At the end she calm down a bit, and told me how much she loved me, and how much she care about me and the only reason she still talks with me as i have such a good heart.
Then we said take care to each other and it was the end of the call. She said she will contact me again when she is back and we can talk about this all. I sit on my bed and didn´t know what to think anymore. I thought may be it is true what she said, but i thought also everything what she is accusing me, is exactly what i accusing her. I have know idea what i should make now out of this conversation. Please can a third person share some opinon abot this.


Thank you

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[once removed]

hi Haddock, and

ouch.

it sounds like youve been through a lot recently. i remember the anxiety i went through when my ex and i broke up suddenly, and she jumped into another relationship. this is really hard stuff, especially when it all feels unresolved.

im glad you found us. the most important thing i had when i was going through it was a strong support system that helped guide me when i was at my worst.

i think that the best thing, but perhaps the hardest thing you can do right now is give her space.

tempers are flared. theres a lot of resentment.

if that goes much further, its likely to end completely, and traumatically, for both of you.

her new relationship is something of a respite from all of that. and if the two of you have any further conflict, all the more so.

so as hard as it is, the best thing you can do is let their relationship play out, and stand or fall on its own, without being a part of the equation. it will look strong and attractive too, if youre able to do this.

i would not bet on her reaching out like she said she would, at least not soon. shes distracted, and that would be a conversation that would be hard to have. and as hard as that may be, i encourage you to be patient.

because while shes distracted right now, no one wants a relationship to end this way. she may have some anger toward you, but if you play it cool, that is likely to dissipate. when a relationship ends badly, people tend to want to revisit things, and at the very least, end on a better note. its human nature.

so i dont mean to suggest you wont hear from her again. im suggesting it may not be as soon as you hope, but that if you play it cool, and dont chase, it will likely happen, and youll be in a stronger position to have that discussion.

right now, let the ice thaw.

[Haddock]

thank you for your answer...yes, this is what i will do know, if more contact it only will become more worse.
Anyway, even if we see again, it will never become good again. I can never forgive her this action, and i will be her trigger for everything and forever.

As hard as it is, i have to find a way to move on..