I suspect my husband has BPD. I want to help but I don't know how.

[Alrischa]

I am feeling emotional and don't feel like articulating in paragraphs so if I may I'll use bullet points. They may not be in order or relate to each other but I'll try my best to provide enough context.

A bit about myself and the relationship overall:

• married but separated for 2 years, living apart
• still see each other from time to time
• lived together for 6+ years, argued a lot about many things (will touch on some below)
• I have considered leaving the relationship but cannot bring myself to do so because 1) I still care a lot and don't want him to lose the only support he has (he is estranged from the rest of his family), 2) I think I have a controlling personality/anxiety and need to help him fix the situation, 3) I genuinely want to see him succeed and overcome his difficulties regardless of whether I help him or end the relationship or etc.
• I have seen counsellors in the past for depression and low self-esteem
• I am afraid of him -- his reactions, what he thinks of me, etc. (this is echoed by coworkers recently and it was this parallel that first got me thinking about BPD
• he continually accuses me of being attracted/look at/flirt with other men -- I have never had an affair, don't intend to start one, and his comment is very hurtful and makes me feel like he doesn't trust me
• I feel he always seeks validation from me that I love him I a reverse psychology kind of way ":)o you really think this haircut makes me look good?"

About my husband and why I think he has BPD:

• he has anger issues
• he can get aggressive (but he has never been physically abusive) but sees it as him being assertive -- this is based on my experience, as well as that of coworkers
• he does not believe he has a personality disorder, I have not suggested to him that he has BPD but I think I tried to suggest a different type of disorder years ago and he got so livid he had to leave the house to "calm down"
• his immediate reaction to any difficult situation is to leave the situation and not face it head on
• he is a little obsessive with cleanliness and it needs to be done his way -- he even wanted to dictate how my parents should clean/make their house presentable and this is caused a lot of conflict between him and my family
• he job hops frequently and always attributes it to the fault of the company one form or the other -- problems with coworker, being bored, coworkers ganging up on him -- I don't have the full context behind a lot of these, mostly of his account so I don't know all sides of the story
• he is extremely passionate about his ideals and beliefs; I have felt him being insistent if I try to disagree and he sees it as I am being stubborn or looking to fight (but I will admit that I am stubborn and won't step down easily so I could have had a hand in this without knowing it)
• he has admitted to not being able to get along with a lot of people
• he dislikes spending a lot of time with people and this is hard when his job requires him to work in teams
• he sees negative criticism as some sort of "betrayal" of trust -- he quit from a company that is very open about giving feedback, and when his whole team individually concluded to the same faults, he got upset and when HR tried to broach the subject with him he read it as being "thrown under the bus" (HR did not intend to fire him, but he reacted poorly to a "warning"
• he expects demands to be met or it's an ultimatum from him -- this got contentious at work
• he has suicidial thoughts from time to time throughout his adult life -- I recently had to talk him out of suicide
• he has admitted to having depression but I don't think he has sought help/treatment for it
• he does exercise regularly and participates in competitive rowing, he says it helps to partially alleviate stress
• he feels unaccomplished and I feel that he feels defeated
• he has had a traumatic childhood; he was abandoned by both parents and was raised by grandparents who did not treat him the most kindly either
• he has dared me to leave him on a few occasions

This is all I can think of at the moment. I have not yet spoken to him about BPD. I want to do my research first on how to approach this or test if he has BPD. I makes me very sad to see him in a continual spiral of ups and downs but I don't know how to help and/or deal with this. I feel bad and sorry for having so many negative opinions. My current thought is to want to get him counseling help. I have seen the LEAP video on this website and know that telling him upfront that he has a problem and needs to seek help will only be met with hostility. Help and advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

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[Mutt]

Hi Alrischa,

I just want to start by saying that I'm sorry for the long delay. I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it has to be heartbreaking to see that he's sick but rejects it.

• I have seen counsellors in the past for depression and low self-esteem

I can relate with you, how did you find the counsellors? Did you find that it helped?

• he does not believe he has a personality disorder, I have not suggested to him that he has BPD but I think I tried to suggest a different type of disorder years ago and he got so livid he had to leave the house to "calm down"

I can relate with this too Alrischa, but I told my ex that she had BPD and it was not well received.

His reality is as real to him as yours is to you, he may not know any differently because his benchmark is from his personal experiences. Obviously not everyone that is mentally ill don't know that they are, some reject it, some don't know and some are aware and get help.

We're not doctors and cannot diagnose, only a professional can do that, what we can look at are BPD traits, I agree with you I think that he has BPD traits and probably OCD and depression. BPD has the most comorbid mental illnesses and experts aren't sure why.

Usually there's and underlying clinical mood disorders, depression, anxiety,PTSD, other personality disorders. BPD carries a heavy stigma, it's unbelievable that it's 2017 and it's still that way but we have to accept things as they are. On the flip side we have depression and anxiety that is widely accepted in society, usually that is treated first so that helps with the BPD symptoms, you suggest that you think that he suffers from depression and anxiety and that could be the catalyst to get him to go seek help?

[once removed]

hi Alrischa, i want to join  Mutt and say

im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. youve given us a pretty good picture of the conflict in your marriage and how we can best support you.

have you had an opportunity to read through the lessons to the right of the board? while we work through the more urgent and pressing stuff, the lessons are there to provide you with a big picture of what it takes and what can be expected in a relationship with someone with BPD traits, tools to navigate that, communication tools, and strategies to keep your cool when all else fails.

can you tell us what led to the separation and who initiated it? what would you like to see happen as far as next steps go?

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Why are you living apart? 

How often o you see each other? What is the basis of your relationship?