Wife of 12 Years is Done

[Nerd_Dad]

Hi All,

This is my first post here, and I'm looking for advice, support, anything at this point as I have not felt more abandoned then I do now.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 13. My entire adult life has been with her. We have two kids together now, two amazing kids that she is a wonderful mother to. We were young passionate people so the fighting was always there. It felt like a few times it would be on the brink but we would always bring it back together, better afterwards (or at least I felt so).

She was honest with me early. She had been diagnosed with depression so I let her know I had as well. But she felt she had more and we both dismissed her getting help. She did share with me about the traumatic occurrences in her childhood and the suicide attempts. And I quickly found the self-harm (cutting herself) and alcohol abuse, but for the most part things carried on with her getting therapy here and there after "episodes."

A couple of years ago she went off the deep end. Hated me more than she ever had for no reason, her flirty personality went to an entirely new level with other men, and she very clearly tried to hurt me a couple of times. She had already been diagnosed Bipolar at this point, but this time three separate specialists diagnosed her with BPD as well.

Before that, I did not do well to handle the BPD, or even the bipolar. I even dismissed my own depression at times. But over the past 18 months I had tried to better understand how I can be around her and in certain situations to make things better (wit the hardest being the detach from personal attacks of course).

Now I am a controlling person and I am diagnosed with high-functioning depression, both making this worse. But over the course of our relationship I felt we have made each other better. I have become less of an ass (don't have to call out the elephant in the room), her and the kids have helped me move forward with anger and patience concerns. She even pushed me so much to chase dreams that I am the happiest I have been professionally.

But this year is where we saw a nose dive... .

Last winter she very much betrayed my trust. We went from a very honest, all-access relationship with each other to her on "lockdown" with me eventually finding everything from sexting, to lying about where she was, and countless secrets. She began to build a wall and refused to let go of the relationships that were poisoning ours. Her manipulation and distortion of reality became even greater (example: last fight she told me she resented me for three different things, and then next day told me I made it up). She verbally abused me frequently, even a couple times pounding on my chest until her rage was out.

The year continued and the trust never came back. I found more lies, secrets, and she never brought down which we have named "the wall" that separates us.

Throughout it, she painted me to be this terrible person that was never there for her even though I had never left her side through all of that, through the hospital stays, and more. She constantly told me how paranoid I was and how I had betrayed her. When my therapist encouraged me to sit down with her and non-confrontationally share concerns of trust, she would throw back how I betrayed her for twelve years (with no examples) and how terrible I was to her and the kids (again, with no examples).

In all of this she has called it quits a couple of times. Including right now.

But the past few times she needed space in the end. She did say absolute ending at the beginning but quickly adjusted to needing space from me controlling her and all the things I've done wrong to her. But this time is different. She told me she's already past the "mourning stage" at the day of breakup. And a few days in she seems to be going through the motions of life just fine while I'm sitting here barely breathing. She seems unscathed and her only talking points on it are how she needs time and space from what I've done to her.

We are still living together; financially we can't make a change. So even if this is it, at least until next summer we're in the same space. We have two kids together and twelve years of history so I can't follow all my friends' (and even some of her friends' advice that I need to be done with it and move on. I love her too much. And it's even more difficult reading that she probably has already moved on and seeing actions that might confirm that.

I'm all out of ideas because I can't chase her, she wants it so then she can tell me I pushed her away. I can't talk sense into her, because our conversations get twisted and distorted. I can't even face her without her telling me how much I manipulate and control her.

The only resources I find online are surviving a breakup, not finding ways to save a relationship with BPD. And if this was ten years ago, no kids, then yeah... .that's the advice I would need. But even reading all the things about people with BPD possibly not being in the relationship no matter how long and amazing, after twelve years I like to think differently even if that means I am in denial.

Anyways... .that's my situation in a nutshell. It goes much deeper and there is plenty more of course. I'm sharing because I guess I need a place to share with people that understand. I'm tired of judgmental responses that don't understand the situation. I'm tired of hearing I need to leave or I'm valiant for sticking it out. I just want to find a way to make this still work, with of course her getting better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Method]

Thanks for sharing Nerd_Dad, and welcome to the boards.

I am fairly new here myself, but this all sounds too familiar. It does sound like BPD. Other, more experienced members will be able to point you to resources to help you, I can quickly share some info and things that have worked for me. There is a lot going on here.

Insecure/Poor self-image: People wBPD tend to think very low of themselves. A lot of them think their physical/sexual traits are all they bring to the table. This also is the cause for the need for attention. They constantly need to be reassured they are beautiful and wanted.

Shame: They know what they are doing is wrong, but they can't admit it, doing so would cause them to feel shame. They can't handle shame. So they deny, project, lie, and get aggressive.

Fear of abandonment: They get rid of you before you get rid of them. People wBPD have a "gift" of being able to completely emotionally detach themselves at the snap of the fingers. It is a defense mechanism that they use that helps them cope with the pain right now.


Skills that have worked for me that you should look into: Listening with empathy, stopping the conflict, Validation or more important don't be invalidating.

I would also look into codependency for yourself. A lot of times our jealousy and control issues stem from our codependency.


Good Luck with everything, it can get better, but it will take time, a lot of effort from you, and patience.

[Inquisitive1]

That sounds like a really painful situation.

I get what you're saying about leaving not being so easy when you take into account children and the financial situation. I've been in that situation and actually wanting to leave but realizing it wasn't really feasible.

Bipolar and BPD are frequently confused. I used to think my wife was bipolar, this misdiagnosis didn't help me. Then I learned she was BPD, I learned about BPD and things I can do to improve our communication. This really helped me.

I suggest you start learning about BPD and things you can do to improve communication. Lots of good stuff to read on this site. I really like the Workshops:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Find a good therapist if you can.

Given how bad things sound, you may also want to start considering the possibility of life without her.

 

[Meili]

I think that we can all relate to the need to find a place to share and not be told how wrong we are for following our needs to stay with our commitments. It's amazing how so many people think that a relationship should be thrown away because of the problems. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to minimize any of the situations that any of us have experienced! I know how hard all of this can be and that the problems are not insignificant. But, these relationships can be saved and they can be sustained. It just takes different efforts than other relationships.

Method and I1 have provided you with some good suggestions about places to start. I would add that it's oddly comforting to read the threads of others. You'll quickly realize that you're not alone. We all understand. Besides, there are some real pearls of wisdom lurking in there too. It also may help to keep posting, even if it's just to vent. Getting out the emotions can not only be cathartic, but it can also help you focus on you; and that's where the focus needs to be.

[Stolen]

ND,

One comment you made stood out to me "... .how terrible I was to her and the kids (again, with no examples)."

I experienced my xW not only painting me black, but creating a cross-generational coalition (Childress covers this well) with my two daughters. My xW clearly did not want to be alone in her delusional victimhood, so she did a very, very good job of wrapping my children into it with her.

Focus on the kids.  If the wall gets erected between you and them, it will be very hard to surmount.

[Woods77]

What a difficult situation.

Looking from a neutral point of view. You could think what do you want yourself now? What's best for you.

In the meantime if you look into BPD more yourself, validation is a massive help in helping BPD and BPD is helped with DBT therapy.

I've experience of bipolar and BPD and BPD for me is far more difficult to deal with mentally yourself, it affects your mind as the person with BPD will affect how you deal with situations and you will question your own mind, or at least I did. Bringing up the past seems common, I've lost count of things brought up that had no meaning to me but were deep in their thoughts forever. Don't take it personally, they can't regulate how intense it feels. For me, I take everything personally.

Take care and try focus on yourself if you can.

[Mutt]

Hi Nerd_Dad,



I'd like to join everyone and welcome you. I'm sorry that you're going a difficult time. Someone mentioned invalidation, its not helpful when people are judge you and I think that it's condescending to be told what you should do.

Its your marriage and your r/s is mit anyone else's business, some people are just trying to help and they may not know what to say but I think helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I understand how your hands can be full when your partner is diagnosed with BPD.

I also wanted to add that it's important to take care of yourself and find things that you like to do. What do you like to do.for self care? How is your support network in real life? I notice that you said judgmental, do you mean that family and friends are invalidating you? Do you have someone that you can confide in that is non judgmental?  I also agree that it helps to work with a T concurrently with a support group.

Throughout it, she painted me to be this terrible person that was never there for her even though I had never left her side through all of that, through the hospital stays, and more. She constantly told me how paranoid I was and how I had betrayed her. When my therapist encouraged me to sit down with her and non-confrontationally share concerns of trust, she would throw back how I betrayed her for twelve years (with no examples) and how terrible I was to her and the kids (again, with no examples).

A pwBPD see the world and the people in it in black and white and don't see someone as an integrated whole. A good person has qualities and a bad person has good qualities. Someone mention a pwBPD feel a lot shame, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder and when a pwBPD flounder the person will blame shift or project their negative feelings on someone else.

I can relate with how confusing counselling can be when your partner changes reality in therapy. I don't know about you feel but I sounded like i was a bad partner because I couldn't recollect what my ex was talking about. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

The dynamic that was being played out was a Karpmann drama triangle and a pwBPD cast you as persecutor and cast themselves as victim and sometimes rescuer. I don't think that it's constructive in therapy when a partner wants rescue from the T.  

Last winter she very much betrayed my trust. We went from a very honest, all-access relationship with each other to her on "lockdown" with me eventually finding everything from sexting, to lying about where she was, and countless secrets.

This is a hard question. Do you think that she's having an affair? Triangulation is not always but bad but when there's a lot of pressure in a r/s and it's difficult to cope, sometime people will seek a third person to relieve the pressure on the main r/s.

[Nerd_Dad]

Thank you all for the kind words and feedback.

To answer/address some of the things that I picked up from your posts.

Friends aren't necessarily judging me. But they, including some of her friends, think I need to call it over. So it's not so much judgement but them seeing an abusive relationship and telling me to get out when I see a wife who seems to love me most the time battling with something more making it hard for me to say I'm out.

As for the kids thing. The oddest thing about this all is that she is a great mother no matter where she is in her mood. The worse I ever saw it was when the medication was wrong so both the Bipolar and BPD were playing a role and she was just there... .not doing anything. But she never tries to draw the kids away from me and she goes out of her way to make sure our fights and discussions are nowhere near them. Her feedback of me as a father is positive when things are right, but she knows I never feel like the best dad because I have spent most of our time together working a lot (Something I have resolved the past two years), so she picks at that insecurity when she wants to get at me.

In fact, she's a master at jabbing enough to hurt me, and then knowing what to say to stab me in the heart so that I'll finally fight back.

As for what I like to do, it sounds crazy but work. I've finally transferred my side work into something I've wanted to do for a long time; creating and writing comic books. It's going really well and I've been writing like crazy this past two weeks through this most recent phase.

Regarding the painting me as a terrible person. That's always been the case in the fight. I always was worse than what I was. Even was told I was yelling when I wasn't, said things that actually she said, and then attack those insecurities. She can never be wrong, which I know is a huge BPD thing, and it makes it really hard when she does something like reach out to other men inappropriately and I am the one who betrayed the trust for finding out and calling her out on it.

My therapist has been great through this too. We are tackling things about BPD together and he's calling me out for where I am not helping. He has labeled me the white knight and that's something she wanted then but doesn't want now. So something I've been trying to work on is being a husband and not a hero.

But at the end of the day, she's already playing the back-and-forth game. Asking me to do a charity thing with her this weekend, asking if we can watch some tv tonight, making sure I see that she's wearing her ring. This back-and-forth gives me severe anxiety (which I have medication for).

My dialogue to myself each time this happens is we've overcome the odds by making it this far, most of it untreated, and I see that as love really being there. So I have to ask myself is this her really disconnecting and being done or is this just episodes because of the year we've had and underneath is still this amazing woman that I love.

Again... .thank you all so much. Just talking/typing it to people that understand means a lot. And yes, I've been reading the threads. I've been reading the site for much of this year too. I am hopeful with some help that either we take the right steps forward or I at least find the confidence to be my old self again that felt capable of taking on the world.

[Woods77]

I don't know if it's possible but could you or your therapist look at talking about self esteem? You may both have low self esteem and in any healthy relationship it's important to do things on your own. Ie she goes out to a class or you go out and see a film on your own or with friends. Or even just walk on your own.

If you can both gain some independence this would help BPD and you too.

Also if I were you I'd take a step back and say have we ever got a second opinion over diagnosis? As medication does not help BPD, thats why it's so bad. Look into DBT therapy, which is learning new skills and ways of thinking which combats BPD. We had 3-4 diagnosis and all of them said DBT therapy for BPD, normal therapy is not specialised enough.

[Nerd_Dad]

UPDATE

I don't know what to do anymore.

After a few days of giving her the space she asked for I caught a virus that hit me so bad I ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. She came home from work to take me, showed up with the kids and blew up the staff for not taking care of things, went out of her way to lay on the bed with me and rub my legs.

Tonight, my first night back home, I'm laying on the couch watching tv and she's sitting next to me. And she brings up plans two weeks down the road. So I have to ask, "what are we? You're asking about two weeks when you just told me we are through." So she proceeds to tell me how she wants it. Just to hang out like nothing happened and move forward but not be in a romantic relationship together. So after twelve years married, just put a smile on our faces and move forward as roommates that still are there for each other when needed.

How the ___ does one just do that after twelve years? I can't just flip a switch and be fine.

I feel like I'm caught in a nightmare right now. I told her it was impossible for me to do that. I told her that I can't just move forward immediately like that after twelve years, especially when I don't think there are any grounds for her to be separating with me.

I don't know if I'm asking a question here or just venting. I'm just caught again wondering what the hell is going on in my world and now questioning everything because she can just say that's that and be fine.

[Meili]

It's ok to just vent. 

It may help to keep in mind that pwBPD can dysregulate when emotional subjects that stem from questions like "what are we" are brought up. Right now, that may be too much pressure for her to cope with in a manner that would make sense to you. Just hanging out and being friends may be all that allows her to feel safe right now.

Is it possible for you to allow any relationship talks to start with her bringing them up instead of you? I don't mean that to sound quippy, but it may give her the breathing room to let her guard down.

[Method]

Nerd_Dad,

I can understand how this would make you feel like you are caught in a nightmare. It can all be very confusing. I sigh as I read this because I JUST went through 2 months of this with my BPDw. I urge you to really learn and practice some skills that are on this website. Listen with empathy, don't be invalidating, set boundaries etc.

Before I go into all of this, I will remind that being in a r/s with a pwBPD is not a fair relationship. It will take more effort out of you to make it work. Are you willing to do that?

My analysis based on what you've shared. You have to go with your gut on this. By her caring for you while you were ill, by her wanting to be with you still and not just leaving, shows me she still loves you. However, her emotions are currently dis regulated. What she is doing is push/pulling aka Splitting. pwBPD have many defense mechanism, this is one of them. Most of their defenses are not constructive for relationships, but it gets the job done for THEM.

Listen with empathy: You've really gotta listen to the message she is trying to convey, not focus on the words she is saying. My translation is: She loves you, but she is having a hard time fighting the urges she is having to flirt, engage in "inappropriate" conversations, maybe even have a fling with other people. Why? Most likely she is feeling unwanted, not enough attention, extremely insecure(insecure can be physically or insecure about the r/s).
She doesn't want to hurt you(more proof she loves you) and feels shame, deep down she knows those interactions are wrong, but as I mentioned in my previous post, they are unable to cope with shame. It is easier for her to just end the monogamous r/s, keep you in her life as just roommates, and giving her the freedom to engage in these interactions without feeling shame, problem solved.

Now, if she does have BPD, then she is the one that is ill. However, how can you help? You have got to start with taking a look at yourself and fixing yourself. There isn't anything you can do to "fix" her. You can't reason with her, you cant convince her. All of that will just push her away. Trust me.

Take a look at yourself: People with BPD want to feel safe and secure. They need reassurance. Put yourself in her shoes and look at yourself. Are you insecure or confident? Are you emotionally strong/stable? Are you co-dependent? Would you be attracted to you, if you were her?
Working on yourself is the best place to start.

Setting Boundaries: This is important, but it is very important to learn how to set them in the correct way.

I told her that I can't just move forward immediately like that after twelve years, especially when I don't think there are any grounds for her to be separating with me.

Did you tell her this? if so, you invalidated her feelings of wanting to separate. Her feelings are her feelings and we have to accept that she is feeling that way, regardless if we agree with it.

Something like "I'm sorry that you feel that way. I can understand how difficult being in a r/s can be. I love you AND I am still committed to this r/s".

You can even add a boundary here but, are you ready for her to call your bluff? Because they will, and are you ready to do whatever it takes to honor yourself/boundary? Don't set a boundary you aren't ready to fight for. Take this very seriously. "Honey, I am not going anywhere. I love you, I am still committed to this r/s AND living together as just roommates isn't a viable option for me"

I don't know if I'm asking a question here or just venting. I'm just caught again wondering what the hell is going on in my world and now questioning everything because she can just say that's that and be fine.

As I mentioned in my previous post. They have the "gift" of disconnecting their emotions. They can feel all or nothing. Another defense mechanism.

Sorry for the extremely long post. Feel free to PM me if you have anymore questions. I also don't mind sharing here so others can read and it just might help them too.

-Method

[Nerd_Dad]

Thank you further for the replies Meili and Method.

Meili, you shared a great point of putting it on her terms. It is something I did today. I am working from home due to illness and she came home and wanted to say some things. They were valid things, most of them, but of course all on me. Instead of arguing, which I've been doing again the past couple of weeks. I was able to get back to that listening place today. It's really hard when you want to defend yourself sometimes after being blamed for everything and painted black.

Method, thank you for the callout on the invalidating feelings. You don't always realize it when you do it, because even in a healthy relationship you sometimes throw your feelings out there first without thinking of the others. When I felt trampled and that this demand was unreasonable I spoke out and did dismiss her feelings. Something I need to be better at.

Overall I do not know where we stand at this moment, but she did have a conversation with me that was more level than in a while and it was more positive than negative. It was, as mentioned, all about my need to change, but I took what was true about what I was doing, confirmed, validated, and asked questions on what I could do better.

I know the thought of splitting is tearing me up enough that I'm willing to keep trying.

I think with the many realizations I've had this week, today's lesson for me was in order for her to get better why don't I start by making me better. That way if she isn't, I'm still working on the things I need to, and if she reacts positively to that it could be great. We will see I guess.

Thank you all again. I say thank you ten million times because when you talk to others they don't understand some of the things it takes.

[Icanteven]

Throughout it, she painted me to be this terrible person that was never there for her even though I had never left her side through all of that, through the hospital stays, and more.

Cool Story Bro:  Two weeks before my wife ghosted our family, my MiL sent me a very touching thank you card relaying how grateful she was that I had hung in with her daughter through the trials and tribulations of the preceding six months and how wifey had told her over and over again how she couldn't have made it without my love and support.  

But, after she walked out, my wife told me I had never supported her.  Wifey had gone out on FMLA, been hospitalized, and could no longer perform several aspects of the Activities of Daily Living, leaving me to support our children and household alone, but I didn't REALLY support her, because my lack of support was the reason she could no longer function.  

Then, a few months later after she left she conceded that I had always been her #1 cheerleader, and that I had been - though imperfect - her "rock" during the hardest time of her life.

Finally, the last time we spoke she had reverted to the mindset that I NEVER supported her, despite the fact that I continue to clean up messes she makes (I would let her make these mistakes for herself if it didn't affect our family in such dramatic ways - financially, emotionally, even physically - if I didn't) and serve as a road grader for obstacles she encounters along the very windy, not-yet-obvious path to recovery.

Your description sounds eerily, painfully familiar.

she would throw back how I betrayed her for twelve years (with no examples) and how terrible I was to her and the kids (again, with no examples).

You covered your efforts to validate in a separate post, and I had to learn (and continue to learn) those skills myself, so you're ahead of the game.  With that said, I've asked my wife for something - ANYTHING - that would serve as an example of the handful of (beyond not supporting her)  behaviors she accused me of that caused her to leave and was met with either silence or complete projection.

For example, I was accused of calling her a B* during an argument a few weeks prior to her leaving.  This is important because, hand to god, verbal abuse has NEVER entered my relationship to my wife, and it hurt A LOT for her to throw that out as an accusation.

ICE: "When did I call you a b*?"
Wifey: "You did it during our last argument.  It was only once but once is once too often."
I: "Are you talking about THAT night?"
W:  "Yeah, we were arguing and you'd had too much to drink at your work dinner and you got mad and called me a b*."
I: "Okay, three things:  I didn't have a work event that night as I was home with the kids while you were out with your girls - so drinking wasn't a choice;  YOU were the one who drove home drunk and continued drinking when you got home, and; you called me a motherf*cker and a worthless SOB and stormed off to the guest bedroom."
W: "Well you made me feel like you called me a B*."

Granted, I was very invalidating with my response, and the fact that she felt like I was implying I thought that are bad outcomes for sure, but when I'm not getting silence when I press for examples, I get projection and blame-shifting, to say nothing of a complete and total lack of accountability for her actions.

And a few days in she seems to be going through the motions of life just fine while I'm sitting here barely breathing. She seems unscathed and her only talking points on it are how she needs time and space from what I've done to her.

When wifey finally did reach out, it was as if it was perfectly naturally that she had left, in the same week that she and I were discussing whether or not we should have more kids (she told me she wanted to get well and try) and reassuring me that I was "the love of [her] life" and "the best man [she] kn[e]w.

Never mind that the children and I needed immediate therapy.  Or, that I had to take a little time off work to avoid a nervous breakdown of my own while endangering my job security.  Or that it wasn't especially clear that this wasn't some prelude to her ending her life.  Nope, I deserved it and the impact on our family was laid squarely at my feet.

Sounds like you're doing just about the best you can, and I only relay all this to say, hey man, I don't have any earth-shattering advice to give you, but you are not at all alone and I (and many, many others) know this music.

Goes without saying, but take care of yourself and the kids the best you can.  :)o whatever you can IRL to stay healthy and grounded, and use this site in whatever way you feel appropriate to move forward.

[Nerd_Dad]

Thanks Icanteven. It sounds rough and a lot of familiarities. I never have called my wife names and she continues to do so when our conversations aren't going smoothly (did multiple times tonight even), and then denies saying certain things.

I'm at a crossroads right now. Do I stay here with the kids and hope to tip-toe through her current therapy and slowly try to find some ground again or do I call it what it is. It's really hard, because even though she turned a switch so fast it's impossible for me to give up after 12 years married, and even longer together.

If we're just in this "not in a relationship, relationship" she has so vaguely defined and I keep my distance and just act as her roommate she's completely fine with me. As soon as I go in for a hug, or try to talk about things at a deeper level, or share my feelings it's all bets off again. Enough to where the jab comments, name calling, and hateful comments come at me like crazy.

But I can't help but fear the day that I get comfortable and think things are looking like they are going to get better and she does permanently drop me, or even worse, moves on without dropping me.

It's like chasing the white whale right now; is my hoping for a return to happy and united marriage just a fantasy I'm chasing? It feels so much like it is. I sit here in a zombie state telling myself to break this cycle of me letting this happen right now, but I can't gain control and make the change. Party because I don't want to, I just want her, but partly because I've lost any faith in myself to be able to move on.

I would say why do we love the people we love, but I know exactly why I love her. And knowing that it's not just her being hateful to me, and the problems appear to be related to something deeper, makes it even more difficult because (going back to previous post) she still shows so many signs of loving me.

But I digress. Thank you, and the many others for sharing. As terrible as it sounds, it's sometimes nice to hear how not alone I am in this.

[Nerd_Dad]

Well, an unfortunate update.

We've been kind of co-existing for the 3+ weeks since my original post. I have picked up a book on listening with empathy and really focusing on ways I can better support and react less. Have done it. She's tested me through it all with jabs and comments seeing if I would react so she could tell me how I'm unstable and untrustworthy. But I didn't. I talked to her nicely through painful moments, I walked away from conversations turning south, and I supported her when she needed it although there was no chance she was going to be there in any moment for me.

Then the last couple of nights... .good stuff.

I had been sleeping downstairs but I slept in the same bed as her because last night we had a progressive night. The past couple of nights she had been honest and said she was falling out of love with me but she's seeing hope and progress and couldn't imagine being with anybody else. She's still not 100% sure about us but she can't truly see life without me.

Then, bam. Today.

She wakes up and starts hitting me with a pillow, I thought playfully. Then she actually punched me a few times. She proceeds to tell me she's upset because she let us get to close last night, then immediately afterwards undresses and lays on me. OK, so I go to embrace her and she yells at me for it. She then gets dressed and goes and lays down and starts punching herself in the face. I ask her to stop and she won't so I actually pull out my cell phone camera and she goes "making sure you cover your ass?" and well, yeah I kind of was but I was also wanting there to be video evidence to show her when she leveled out (don't know if it would be a good idea).

She heads down to the kitchen to make the kids breakfast, and she tries to hug me and I don't respond. I want to back off because she clearly needs space and to level out. That obviously pisses her off. So we go work out. As soon as we get to the gym she decides she doesn't want to be there and is going to walk home. I finish working out and then pick her up near home while she's running.

I get ready to take my son to his game, and she tells me she needs some time alone this afternoon. I make the mistake of asking of clarity. "What does that mean?" "Would you like to get groceries on your own and I'll hang with kids?" ":)oes alone mean away from me or actually alone?" That sets things off.

She corners me in the room and tells me "that's none of your F-ing business. Don't provoke me today because I will bite back hard. I will cut deep and hurt you. And I will go somewhere and turn off my phone and drop hints that will make your imagination run wild on what I am doing."

What the heck?

I go drop my son off and come back to pick her and my daughter up to take to the game and I say to her, "look, we've been stepping forward and you're having a back-and-forth day. If I react in a way that is not perfect please understand I am trying and don't villainize me for it." Her response, "That's it. I'm done. For real. I can't be with you anymore, I'm going to find another place to stay."

The conversation continued that she would go stay somewhere and I asked where so she decides to say she has a boyfriend in a town over that she sees as much as possible and that's where she'll stay (she doesn't, she was provoking me). She then even says staying under a bridge would be better than staying with me.

I make the mistake to try and ask some more questions. I didn't respond in anger and didn't react in a way that I have in the past but I did ask how did it go from hope and me for the future to this. And it just led to more hate. I further created issue by trying to talk to her some about it, but I finally back off.

Now, she's driving somewhere... .if I map her I'm sure it'll be to a place that provokes me as she told me she would do that.

I think I have to learn to let go here and I don't want to. But this time I don't think she's coming back from this; I've felt that to be the case for the past few weeks.

Anyways, not sure if there is advice to be given or if I just needed to put this out there somewhere. As always, I appreciate the board.

[Stolen]

God Bless you - I rode that spiral down.  Stay close to your kids, they need you. 

[motherhen]

Hi Nerd Dad,

Is she manic? When mania is present you have to treat that before you are going to get anywhere with the BPD behaviors. If you look at past mania episodes, you will find that there is a pattern that repeats itself. This looks a lot like dysphoric mania which is different that euphoric mania and the most dangerous and unpleasant of the BP states.

People experiencing dysphoric mania have an internal war going on. There are no good feelings present. They will leave their relationship (or job, or location) as that is something they can control externally and they are unable to control their state of mind. They lash out at their loved ones in an effort to relieve their own pain. It's hell both for the family and the BP.

It's incredibly hard to use reason in the face of mania, but if possible do try to let her psych know if you suspect mania. A small dose of an antipsychotic can bring them back to earth so that you can begin to work on the BPD stuff.

[akanobody]

Hey, I understand your pain.  I am going through similar situation.  I have been in therapy with my BPD husband for years.  Please see a therapist who specializes in BPD.  Our therapist has been my only anchor on which to survive.
Rules and boundaries should be set.  Although this doesn't mean they will follow them. **Read my post**. Our therapist told me that anyone with BPD rarely change their behavior and it has to be a choice they make. 

[akanobody]

Cont... .  my husband is a perfect example if a BPD.
Nothing is ever his fault, it's all in MY head, cheating has made him a better husband and father...   I don't believe a BPD can get better.  It is very rare.  Save yourself.  Save your kids.  It is best to emotionally detach and don't play her games.  She is baiting you.  Seeing how far she can push you and how willing you are to be used by her.  The texts etc. that you know about is a teaspoon compared to the mountain that you don't see.

[Kelli Cornett]

Been going through some of this myself, for the past 9 months. I read about all the right things to do, tried most of them, and she still cycled through her hurtful and radical behavior patterns just the same.
Finally I came to the conclusion that the only people who I could save were myself, and our kids. Only she can save herself, nothing I did helped long term (sure, some of the things made things better for a day or two), and I needed to establish firm boundaries and remove myself from her craziness as much as possible.

In the end, I just couldn't let her behavior destroy me and our children any more than it already had.