Wife is threatening to leave/divorce

[methodius]

My wife and I have been married for nearly six years.  We have three children.  I've noticed and kept track of many BPD traits over the years to try to see if it matched anything I could find online; after I opened up recently to a friend about what was going on, he encouraged me to look into BPD and see how things lined up.  After doing a bit more research and reading Walking on Eggshells, I've noticed that there is a great deal in common between what I'm seeing and what I'm reading.

In the last eight months, my wife has started to seriously threaten to leave the relationship because she wants to get away from me.  In many conversations she's explained that it's nothing that I'm doing and that she can tell I'm trying hard, but she just doesn't want to be around me any more.  There is an element of emotional/verbal abuse, and in the past there has been some physical abuse.  Nothing has been directed toward our children, but I'm worried that there might be a time when she goes into a rage after one of our children does something aggravating, and without me there she'll vent it at our kids.

I really love her, and I want to save the relationship.  When she's in her brighter moments, she's sometimes wiling to admit there's a problem; but a brighter moment can quickly turn to a problem if I encourage her to see a counselor or share some of the research I've been doing.

I've been trying to set boundaries in conversations, and I'm getting mixed results.

Success: Two nights ago, I had been having a conversation with my father-in-law and playing with my oldest child while she was in a meeting; when she came out, she demanded why I hadn't changed our son's diaper, and I explained that I hadn't thought to change it yet.  She railed into me for not having thought of it, and called what I said an excuse.  I explained that it wasn't an excuse, just what happened, and refused to talk about it further.  I took my oldest on an evening drive to get him to sleep and by the time I got back she had calmed down.

Failure: (Not a minor problem, but the reaction I think was accentuated by BPD.) Today, a program I'd written for my wife delivered incorrect results for pay stubs.  It resulted in an embarrassing situation for my wife at work.  She called me during a meeting, and railed into me for not checking her data before she put it in to make sure the program was working correctly.  I explained what usually happened when there was an error, and offered to fix it.  She demanded an apology for not double checking her data, and when I explained what happened (I had to add a new employee this morning in the 3 minutes before I left to work; I added the employee, fixed an error where another employee had "" hours instead of "0" hours, and left to work without looking at the remainder of the employees) she called it an excuse, the reason why she hated me, she wanted to divorce me, couldn't wait to be rid of me, and insists that she is no longer talking to me.  I'm more than willing to fix the problem, and I did not push the blame back on her for inputting data incorrectly (because, honestly, while it's likely, it may not be the actual problem so I didn't want to make a call on that), but she refuses to let me help.  I anticipate that when I get home from work, I will be blamed for everything, there will be insults (useless, inconsiderate, selfish, lazy, etc.), and she'll demand an apology--all in front of our kids.  My plan is to be willing to fix the program, but not to apologize, unless it was a problem with the program and not the data (because while the program was written by me and I fixed an error, I think the data being entered incorrectly was not my responsibility).  Update: I've just been told that we will not be having a good weekend, and that she's done with me this whole weekend because she consented to let me look at the program and fix whatever issue is going on.

Most immediate short term goal: I'd like to get to a point where she doesn't threaten divorce every time she's upset.

I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time, and that an incorrect word or phrase can lead to another fight (for example, if I call today a bad day--related to the problem today or not--that will ensure it is so).  She's assured me that she hates me, and will remind me every day if necessarily, as painfully as necessary, until I believe her and consent to a divorce.  I do believe our relationship can come back, especially on a good day.

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[stayingsteady]

Hi methodius,

Welcome to the family.  There are a lot of people here who are working on their relationships just as you are, so you are in good company.

It can be extremely disheartening when someone you care about is unable to feel the love you continuously try to provide them.  It's a pain many of us here have felt. 

When we begin setting boundaries it can really affect an individual who has symptoms of BPD.  For this person it can feel like they are losing all control and that danger is imminent.  This can cause a fear based response to occur in hopes of protecting themselves from this perceived danger.  This (new boundaries being set) could potentially be a contributing factor to your wife's behaviors.  This doesn't mean we shouldn't set boundaries.  But an understanding on why the behavior occurs can help us develop a more natural empathy for our loved ones.

One of the most common fears of an individual with symptoms of BPD is a fear of abandonment.  In addition an individual with symptoms of BPD often feel as if they aren't good enough and are undeserving.  They also don't enjoy feeling this way and try to avoid it, and counteract it, as much as possible.  One way this is done is by "hitting first".  For example:  If she tells you she hates you, can't stand to be around you, tells you she wants a divorce and then leaves you, she could truly be afraid that you leaving her is inevitable and that she will be abandoned sooner or later by you.  So, rather than being abandoned she will hit first, or leave you before you leave her. 

It seems your wife is in an extremely sensitive spot.  Unfortunately, just doing the things she asks you to do more than likely won't correct these behaviors, they more than likely will reinforce them, and could cause these behaviors to get worse.

One of the best ways of diffusing the situation is to use Positive Behavior Reinforcement.  It's the second lesson on the right hand bar "Tools: communication validation and reinforcement of good behavior".  Positive Behavior Support has a lot of scientific evidence supporting it's use and is a primary tool used in both public and private behavioral trials.  By reinforcing the positive behaviors the negative behaviors can begin to go away.

One key piece I try to use is to give 10 positive statements for every one negative one (I like how you... ., that is a really nice... ., I was really impressed when you... .).  I literally count them secretly in my head.  When so many positives are given many of the fears can subside.  When the fears subside it becomes a lot easier to work together.

I hope some of this information can help,

- Staying Steady

[Meili]

Staying Steady gave you some good advice.

Another thing that might help in the situations that you described is to not JADE. When we start to justify, argue, defend, and explain, we are telling the other person that their feelings are not justified.

As I'm sure that you've read in your research on BPD (and as Staying Steady pointed out), people who exhibit traits of the disorder can struggle with the fear of abandonment, this is often triggered by rejection. Being told that your feelings are wrong can lead you to feel rejected. This, in turn, triggers the abandonment fears.

There are some basic tools in the sidebar to the right that may also help you communicate better with your wife and reduce the number of conflicts. You need to do that in order to work on the relationship. Also, reading the threads of others will provide valuable insight into what it takes to have a relationship with someone who presents BPD traits.

I look forward to hearing more of your story.