Random encouragement via texts, good idea or bad?

[hopeful356]

Please bear with me as I'm trying to navigate the site and find my way . I have posted with some background info to my situation with my brother and to save my life I can't find the posts now, Lord help me  

Here is my question, I am just now learning about validating and splitting and keeping things calm and so much I just don't know. My communication with my brother is 90% via text. ( as he lives 3 hours away) sometimes I want to just randomly tell him things like... . I hope your day is good, you deserve it! and have in the past sent messages like, "I'm so glad you came into my life" Often times, I get no response or just and "mmkay". Is it wasted effort? Since he has shifted to very little talk, I find myself questioning all communication because he is not the person I knew before and I know I'm still in and out of the desperate state of keeping what little we have.

On a good note (I think, because honestly he keeps me confused and guessing quite a bit) we had a phone conversation last weekend and his defenses were down. For the first time I was able to discuss BPD with him and feel that he trusted my instinct and believed I was not passing judgement. Now whether or not he recalls the conversation and twists it later, Idk I did mention that I was ordering a book or two that I wanted to read and pass on to him. I stressed to him a few times that his faith in God and determination when he puts his mind to something, are such great indicators that he could change his quality of life tremendously with some learning tools etc about BPD. He was quiet and just listening and I feel was receptive at the moment.

Anyway, Ive kind of wandered off point but I'm just glad that this place exists for all of us who need some direction and validation ourselves for what we are feeling and experiencing. Any quick tips on communication dos and don'ts. I have read some workshops on here and I will continue to reread until it makes more sense and I can apply it when needed.

[an0ught]

Hi hopeful356,

Here is my question, I am just now learning about validating and splitting and keeping things calm and so much I just don't know. My communication with my brother is 90% via text. ( as he lives 3 hours away) sometimes I want to just randomly tell him things like... . I hope your day is good, you deserve it! and have in the past sent messages like, "I'm so glad you came into my life" Often times, I get no response or just and "mmkay". Is it wasted effort? Since he has shifted to very little talk, I find myself questioning all communication because he is not the person I knew before and I know I'm still in and out of the desperate state of keeping what little we have.

these are good intentions. But not all good intentions lead to good results. So lets look at the details:

1) Random messages. May be good, may be bad. The good thing is - you are pacing the frequency - he is not in control. Also good - you maintain the connection. The bad is you don't know what mental state he is when he receives them. The latter makes it hard to know how to validate him.

2) Sending positive messages like "I'm so glad you came into my life" should be done sparingly. Most pwBPD are somewhat depressed at not getting along well with the world around them - which is the result of their actions but I digress here. So your positive note hits a guy with the blues. Obviously invalidating. It may be better send middle of the road or even better to mix some negative stuff and positive stuff (in that order) in the message. Sometimes SET can also be a useful pattern.

[P.F.Change]

sometimes I want to just randomly tell him things like... . I hope your day is good, you deserve it! and have in the past sent messages like, "I'm so glad you came into my life" Often times, I get no response or just and "mmkay". Is it wasted effort?

I think what this boils down to is why you want to send these messages--what is the goal? If you know the goal, you can better evaluate whether the means are an effective way to achieve it.

For instance, if the goal is to simply tell your brother that you are thinking of him, and it is not important to you that he gives something in return (such as reciprocation or gratitude), then those texts are probably effective.

On the other hand, if the goal is to change how your brother thinks and feels or to elicit a response from him that impacts how you feel, then it is possible that the messages you are sending may not be as effective, because it adds another variable that you cannot control--him. Does that make sense?

Are you wanting a particular response or result when you think about sending an encouraging message? How do you feel when he does not respond or says "mmkay?"

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Elfie]

I think what this boils down to is why you want to send these messages--what is the goal? If you know the goal, you can better evaluate whether the means are an effective way to achieve it.

For instance, if the goal is to simply tell your brother that you are thinking of him, and it is not important to you that he gives something in return (such as reciprocation or gratitude), then those texts are probably effective.

On the other hand, if the goal is to change how your brother thinks and feels or to elicit a response from him that impacts how you feel, then it is possible that the messages you are sending may not be as effective, because it adds another variable that you cannot control--him. Does that make sense?

I agree with the above - sending occasional "good thought" messages here and there for his benefit (not because you want a certain response) can be helpful.

My mom sends such texts to my brother, and sometimes it seems he appreciates them, sometimes he ignores them. I think trying not to read too much into responses/non-responses is best.

[hopeful356]

Thank you so much, you bring up a very good point. Thinking of it in that sense does help put perspective on my motives. Sometimes I want to say those things because i just want him to know I care. BUT other times I know I am fishing for that little strand of hope that he will reciprocate like he did when we were first united.

Logically, I know that he was mirroring? (is that the right term?) what he thought he needed to be to get my love. But my heart keeps saying, where did he go? I miss him, I need him. I want my brother back, I want to laugh and joke and share stories like we used to. I realize that is my needs and my grief but I really do grieve for his unhappiness and how sad his day to day life is. Especially compared to how happy he was before.

This journey scares me to death because my heart really overpowers my life and always has. I have trouble making decisions and always have due to logic being 2nd after my heart almost always. Some days aren't too bad and other days the pain of the loss feels unbearable. I begin to question if I can ever let go of what used to be.

I feel like I'm crazy for feeling this intertwined with someone I've only known less than a year. But I guess it makes sense, even though he's not my lover and and just a brother but I felt like we were twins separated at birth and finding him made my life complete. Now I have this huge hole in my heart and feel so lost without our bond  :'(

I really am on a emotional roller coaster that I need to get control of. Thanks for the input and as always thanks for listening.