Being love bombed

[RedRose15]

This is where I find it so confusing.

A couple of weeks ago I was ready to leave when things were bad, the usual ups and downs, and now he is being so loving to me and has put me back up high on the pedestal, again, and I somehow forget everything bad that's ever happened between us and I think he is the most loving man in the world... . until, the next time, I stop being his perfect girl, again... It's like love amnesia or something.  He seems to have this power over me.

Today at work I found myself daydreaming about how great and how lucky I am to have this man adore me like this, bring me flowers to work, cook dinners for me, massage and rub my feet etc... . and I was trying to figure out why?  what am i doing at the moment to make him love me this much, because whatever it is, i will keep doing it... . but the thing is, i cant figure out why? I think Im more docile at the moment, due to other stuff happening in my life... . maybe it's because I'm like a cut-out doll to him, pretty on the outside and not saying anything to trigger him... as soon as I have an opinion, I'm argumentative... . apparently... .

I feel like I'm the BPD because he is on my pedastal as well... . at the moment... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MidKnightsun]

You are correct, it has more to do with what you are not doing (not triggering) and what phase of the cycle he is in. Eventually, his own mind will conjur up a reason to panic (like I'm getting too close). I found that the best / closest times with my exBPD were always followed my a pushback/break-up. I became fearful when we had too good a trip, time together etc. . I knew the storm was coming. No way to live.

[ziniztar]

I hear you (both). After the first break-up cycle things all of a sudden were perfect again. You lay low because of the shock I guess and are happy with what is left.

The past few weeks were so wonderful that I started wondering where the tipping point would be. I noticed a change in his behaviour since Sunday which I mentioned to him. Less texting, more depressed phone conversations. Acting in a very de-attached kind of way. I hope we'll be able to smother it, I have no energy for a break-up cycle now.

RedRose, what is it that makes you stay?

To me a few things.

1) I believe people can change, and he's in therapy

2) I believe people are allowed to make mistakes

3) I can do everything so I can have a BPD rs and make it work.

That last one is tricky. And difficult to admit. But it's there in the back of my mind, and ti's helping me to learn healthy coping behaviours as well.

Remember that you always have a choice. No matter how stuck you may seem, you always have a choice to walk away, from the conversation/mood. That accounts for extremely positive moods as well. I had to protect myself from his idealization because he was already looking into housing for the both of us.

Stay centralized, don't let his mood/day determine yours

[Banshee]

I had my exBPDbf do this to me midway through our relationship for no good reason. As a matter a fact I was choosing to not go to his house that friday evening but he talked me into it.

WELL I have no idea what crawled up his behind, maybe the love bug but he was the nicest person ever... It was so different that I asked him what was going? Was it going to last? Was it just a phase? He said he didn't know but for me to enjoy it and not ask questions.

It was on Friday when it started and it lasted till the next Friday... I went over there that Friday evening with my laptop... I was sitting in the floor in front of him , he looked sad and said your not touching me and loving on me like you've been doing... (I was on the laptop looking up something for him) shortly after he  walked out back on the deck ,I followed. I sat in front of him and was touching and smiling at him, reassuring him that I was the same as I have been for the past week.

This is something I will never forget... he looked at me ,with his head slightly turned ... with a small  smile mixed with a confusing look.The best way I can explain the look is it seemed as though he was actually trying to fight "the dark side"

After that he went right back to his old self ... I've never seen anything like that  before ... I have to admit it was sad... it was the first time that it really hit me that this man is really ill and how hard it must be at times.

[letmeout]

It is good that yours has such self control though. My ex would get so out of control in his rages he sometimes would start flailing around like he was having a stroke. But 10 minutes later he would snap out of it, and be all happy. Weird stuff this BPD is. I can't imagine having to live my whole life that way!

Oops, wait... . I almost did! I was married to my ex 35 yrs, watching that disorder play out day by day was worse than having had BPD myself.

[Banshee]

I had not seen a rage at that point ... he just went from super sweet and  loving back to the flaw finding over criticizing guy he was before... I kept telling him "I want the "other" guy back now please ,go find him!

Of course the rage came months later... I can't imagine 35 years but then in a way  I feel I was weak and couldn't be strong enough like you all that hung in there.

[letmeout]

You really have to have the patience of a saint to deal with it. I got that all the time from friends and family. "You have the patience of a saint to put up with that crap!"

Nope, I was an emotional caretaker to someone who's disorder made them an abuser by nature. I was abused and brainwashed into "putting up with that crap".

Sometimes I wonder how I could handle it if I could go back in time. Was there anything I could do different to change the outcome of his behavior? I think not.

He is what he is, and the only good advice I ever got from the psychologist I took him to 20 yrs ago was to run like hell. Or slip Xanax into his beer to try and keep him calmer.  I'm the one who ended up taking the Xanax in order to live with him!

[RedRose15]

Thanks for all your replies, it's good to know there's people who understand the huge ups and massives downs involved in a BPD relationship.

ziniztar - I feel the same at the moment.  Things are going along so perfect right now, and I don't want to spoil it by doing anything to trigger him, but looking back, I've been here before and I know that something minor trigger the end to him loving me this much, and because he's passive aggressive, I'll probably never know what it is... . it can be a look i give him, an innocent comment that he takes the wrong way or anything really... . but I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts... .

The reasons why I stay:

1... I love him

2...   Like you, I believe people can change, although mine is not in therapy, but he can be self    aware at times... .

3.   The highs are worth the lows, because I've truly never connected with anyone they way we do with each other... .

4... . I think I'm addicted to being his addiction.

Banshee - there are times I have seen that same sad/confused look.  It makes me feel sad when I see him struggling so hard to make sense of his emotions.

[Banshee]

RedRose,

You ought to keep a journal of these love bombed days? Maybe you can see a pattern or what triggers him "IF" or when he goes  back to his old self.Even if it doesn't seem that important still make a note of it... might really do some good

[lemon flower]

You are correct, it has more to do with what you are not doing (not triggering) and what phase of the cycle he is in.

indeed! at the moment I am keeping a weekly contact with my ex-uBPDbf on a  friendship-base and I have been on the pedestal for almost 7 months now, I can't do anything wrong in his eyes and I am the most lovely and beautiful girl walking around... . If I wouldn't have learned about the disorder I would have thought fairytales existed  

I think the love-bombing is based on these three things:

- he wants to express to me that he can be a very good, caring and loving person (this comes from the guilt he still feels because he thinks he ruined our past r/s)

- after one week of missing me and spending time with his "horrible" family-members in a very stressful environment he truly is always very happy and relieved to see me back, I can litterally feel him relaxing and calming down after a couple of hours, so this part of his affection is very real and comes out of relief and de-stressing, this is also the part of him that constantly wants to hug me and massage my feet, he loves massaging because he knows he 's very good at it and he is sensitive enough to notice that it relaxes me but at the same time I know the action in itself is also very soothing to him

- third thing is more about my own role in this game: as I am now very aware of his disorder and I am doing my best to help and understand him, I have changed my own behaviours and therefore I no longer trigger him that much, hence he is happier and less dysregulated in my presence than 6 months ago

[Narellan]

This is something I will never forget... he looked at me ,with his head slightly turned ... with a small  smile mixed with a confusing look.The best way I can explain the look is it seemed as though he was actually trying to fight "the dark side"

After that he went right back to his old self ... I've never seen anything like that  before ... I have to admit it was sad... it was the first time that it really hit me that this man is really ill and how hard it must be at times.

WOW Banshee, that just triggered a memory i had of my ex BPD. The way you describe that, with the head tilt... . Scary stuff. I saw that too. Not often only a couple of times. Once he had already gone there and when i looked at him again i didnt recognise him. Something about this memory makes me go cold.

Another ttime when we were making love i looked uo at him and was shocked to see the look on his face at that time too. He looked crazed. Mad. I had blocked that out. Probably good to unblock those memories now, it will help me detach.

Now as i type these memories im physically feeling sick. Anxious and sick to the stomach. I think its fear.

[Banshee]

Narellan, Wow that does seem pretty scary while being intimate

There was nothing really scary about his expression, it was just a look of not being sure of what he was feeling, it was like he could feel his self going out of the idealization phase and was trying hard not to or trying to understand why his feelings were shifting... . It was very sad to witness  :'(

[Narellan]

Yeah I saw the lost little boy look a few times. The other scared me in a way that my whole body was on alert. I was like that a few times. I think I've always had a fear factor Inmeshed there somewhere. Something bad happened between us early in the relationship and I had a feeling he was trying to harm/ kill me. I pushed that aside but I think now that it's over a lot of my anxiety about him coming to my door is around what he might do to me. Jokingly he said a couple of times about killing me. That sounds bad but it was in a humorous context, but something about it now screams alarm bells. Now that I know about BPD and now I've been painted black I really have no clue what he might try to do. That sounds a bit paranoid. But I don't know him and don't trust him anymore. I'm uneasy about those conversations now. It's good to listen to my gut feel over this. I won't be having contact with him and will always be vigilant about my safety.

[hergestridge]

When I started to see "love bombing" pattern (basically the push/pull thing) I stopped responding to the "love bombing". That's when the ___ really hit the fan. To my BPDw it made the rs pointless and unfullfilling.

She used to have full control of the "weather" in our rs, and she's losing that now. I'm not sure our rs is working out, but I can't have it like we used to - living in fear of her emotions.

[SweetCharlotte]

In some cases, like mine, the ups and downs even out over time. It's been almost nine months since we have had a real push-me-away or paint-me-black episode. Of course, I haven't been on a pedestal either, which I kind of miss. But then I remember the flip side.

Hence, I would put in a good word for riding the bucking bronco. As you note, not triggering (which can mean not JADE-ing, for example) helps a lot. As long as the push-away part of his cycle doesn't include unacceptable behaviors (physical abuse, infidelity, drug abuse, binge-spending, etc.), then you may be able to stay with your loved one until he eventually stabilizes. Even without treatment, many do get better if they are high-functioning to begin with, as yours seems to be.

[letmeout]

A psychologist told me that 90% of BPD's improve as they get old and 10% get worse. I don't  know how accurate those figures are, but my exBPDh was one of the 10%.

[Narellan]

I would have thought it was the other way around ?

[letmeout]

From what I read in other posts here, it seems that it is the other way around!

They all seem to get worse the older they get.

[hergestridge]

If the "getting better" comes from some kind of clinical study it most likely refers less hospitalization, self harm and suicide attempt and nothing else. That is what "getting better" means when they talk about effects of DBT.

What we're probably dreaming about is them suddenly developing interpersonal skills. Propably quite rare.

[ziniztar]

From what I understood the getting better comes from life experience. When you age you start to care less about what other people think of you. Even though with pwBPD it will never get to that level as non's, they do tend to lose some of the sharp edges.

However, it depends on the pwBPD of course how this manifests itself. Some get bitter. Others build more self esteem.

[hergestridge]

When you age you start to care less about what other people think of you.

True! And that can both a good thing and a bad thing.

Many people on site also describe partners that have had their rage under some kind of control UNTIL they reach middle age, and then it's like they couldn't give a flying ___ who they take out their anger on and what the consequences are.

[letmeout]

Many people on site also describe partners that have had their rage under some kind of control UNTIL they reach middle age, and then it's like they couldn't give a flying ___ who they take out their anger on and what the consequences are.

Wow, that explains a lot! My BPDexh went totally out of control when he hit middle age!

[ziniztar]

It makes sense; these are times/ages when non's evaluate their lives as much as pwBPD. Apparently the BPD behaviour of my bf became a lot worse in the last couple of years, as:

1) he now lives on his own without his mother taking care of him

2) all of his friends are graduating and 'accomplishing' things, whilst he is stuck with a lower degree (partially due to his ADHD) and feels incredibly incompetent.

Every time I accomplish something (new job, new appartement) or his friends do (move away, finish their masters degree), he starts rambling in his head how he is a failure. It evokes feelings of abandonment, as he is afraid he will get left behind when all of his friends and family continue to grow.

A little bit further down the road there are other checkpoints of course, in your late thirties (do I manage to keep a relationship / live together / get children), in your fifties (the plain old midlife crisis). If I look at how much it hurts my 33 year old brother that his relationship failed, and his chance of getting children in the near future has vanished, how would a pwBPD even react to this?

I think it depends on the level of self awareness how a pwBPD responds. pwBPD that do not know or acknowledge their illness will have a hard time to turn those self-loathing thoughts around and will probably blame everyone around them.