Went to SD16's extracurricular on Saturday. I do recognize that I've been on high alert, scanning for any clue or sign that might give me a hint of what to expect.

H and I got there first, then Mom and Stepdad showed up, plus a guy with Mom I'd never seen before -- a huge burly guy. He didn't seem to say anything or interact with anyone that much. Stepdad jumped right into volunteering, making friends with the refs/coaches, laughing really loudly, asking if anyone needed anything, taking long videos of SD16, etc. It felt performative. Both Mom and Stepdad took time to play with/hang out with B11 in front of H and I. Later, Mom's "friend" (girlfriend? person who went with Mom to SD16's school play) showed up, and apparently did not know Burly Guy.

SD16 did great, so that was fun to watch. She's really good at what she does. Her coach said she might be good enough to take the team to nationals. Super proud of her 

SD16 didn't ignore us or pretend we weren't there. She said Hi during halftime to both groups (us and Mom), and was fine with coming back with us after the event (no protest behavior or "I'm just too tired, can I go back to Mom's). We even had to swing by Mom's place later to get some of SD16' stuff, and again, she didn't try any "well I'm here already, and I kind of decided I just want to stay here" moves.

Even though we missed a chunk of our weekend with her (4pm Fri to ~1pm Sat she was with Mom), maybe she is trying the best she can? And it does seem like when she misses time with us, it is for social/peer interaction, vs "I just want to be with Mom". We're supposed to be together this Friday but she wants to do an out of town thing, so we won't see her at all. But it's with a peer aged friend, not with Mom.

I have no idea who the burly guy is and it's bugging me, likely because there is a history of weird stuff happening out of nowhere and catching me off-guard. I want to know what the deal is so I'm not blindsided. H and I didn't ask SD16 who the guy was and she didn't offer the information (which is appropriate).

A little part of me is now wondering if he's a parenting supervisor? Like if Stepdad ended up agreeing to a safety plan with CPS involving supervision? I have no idea. He left the event with Mom, not Stepdad. It's all really weird.

I need to see if I'm up for calling the hotline and asking for an update on the report.

So, so true Augustine, thank you.

BPD behaviour, at least that of my ex, is literally just that... dichotomous. And it is so hard to resolve in your head. Because my brain doesn't work that way.

As I work towards more security in myself and my thinking, I feel confident I'll see it much clearer and feel a stronger resolve to step completely away from the madness and feel okay about there being some unresolved things between us. But I think the work then becomes dealing with the pain I feel from buying into the dream that he sold... and dissolving any type of hope that he could ever follow through with any of those promises.

As my psych said, everyone has hope and the ability to heal to some degree. But I'm the least likely person he's going to change for now - because he tried and it failed, multiple times... so I need to give up hope that even if we tried again, it would be any different. He's already laid down deep tracks of disrespect, betrayal and lies with me... so it needs to be a new person, someone he doesn't want to risk losing... coming back to me just keeps him stuck in his patterns... and it does look like he's trying to reconnect with his ex before me (the dangerous, abusive narcissist he monkey branched to from me and then back to me)... so it's clear he's not ready to face any of it yet.

Will definitely keep you updated as therapy progresses.

How does she tell you these things? I.e., via email, phone call, text, in person...?

Email was my H's kids' mom's preferred method, followed by in person and text. Phone calls basically never happened. Occasionally we would hear things about ourselves from others, and it seemed likely that Mom had talked to those people.

Minimizing your exposure to the wacky things she says could be helpful for reclaiming some peace in your life. Some members have friends or family screen incoming communications and filter out anything not related to the kids.

Thank you everyone for your responses!!  It feels better just knowing that I’m not alone and that this is clearly extremely common. Had no idea but I do now!!

She is absolutely projecting. And yep, I’ve been called, abusive, cruel, neglectful to her and our child, and so on. She’s even said I have magical thinking. Which I found out is an NPD thing. And I was like “wait, she’s the one with these traits…..”. Kind of a Mind F that she does these things.

I took an NPD quiz (not a medical diagnosis of course but it gives an idea) and nope, lowest range of it. I took the BPD quiz too for fun and same thing.

She is incredibly abusive and manipulative and exhausting. And our daughter is now showing these traits..Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!!!!!

Gigi,

If it's true your daughter has BPD, then my inclination is to think that her mental faculties aren't impaired to the extent that she actually believes she's had a baby--that she buys into her delusion--though she clearly wants to believe it, and for everyone else to believe it, too.  It seems to me that her problem is that she's a pathological liar, as implied by the title of your post.

I tend to agree with the others posting that trying to confront her outright about the lies might backfire, just serving to anger and destabilize her.  I've seen this issue with my diagnosed stepdaughter.  She will cling to her version of events--that she was traumatized and abused--like her life depends on it.  That's because she has to be the victim, and others are the enemy.  Admitting that SHE was the abuser and/or liar would be too painful for her to bear.  She'd rather change the details of the story or stop the conversation completely than to admit any wrongdoing.  Usually this meant cutting people out of her life.  Then she would become isolated and alienated, and her "exit" strategy had to be a suicide attempt--an extreme cry for help.  I think this was because of the intense shame and self-hatred she felt for her past behavior, made worse by the alienation.  But it was suicide attempts, not an admission of lying or any apology, that ultimately got her treatment.

I imagine that your daughter knows she's lying, but she's compelled to keep the delusion going, because she wanted her ex back, and she wanted the attention.  Maybe she thought she might be pregnant at the beginning, and she wanted to believe it so badly that she started with a lie that snowballed on her.  Admitting she did anything wrong would be too painful for her, so she had to keep the fiction going.  And now her "exit" is probably saying the baby died, having some sort of memorial, and maybe even a fundraiser.

Even so, this could be a prelude of an actual cry for help.  Only she can decide when she's ready to receive help.  If you challenge her lies, maybe she has a breakdown, while blaming you for provoking it.  Maybe she "confesses," but I tend to doubt that, given the lengths she's gone.

I don't know.  If you try to take stage an intervention or take her to a hospital, she could see you as the enemy.  That's what happened to my stepdaughter.  I think she has to feel ready to get help.  Maybe she faces a crisis herself with her housing situation.  If you don't let her move in with you, or pay her bills, thereby "enabling" a dysfunctional lifestyle, she might decide she's ready to change.  But if she's comfortable (others are paying for her upkeep, she's getting attention because she's a new mom, etc.), she probably has little reason to change or seek therapy.

There might be a way to coax her towards the truth, by being a compassionate listener.  But she'd need to trust you, and she'd need to be calm.  You might open a conversation asking about how she felt when she first thought she might be pregnant--the excitement, a chance to get back together with her ex, the joy of bringing a new life into the world.  And then you might gently state that losing those hopes and dreams would be devastating.  It would be understandable to cling to the idea of a being a mom and having a happy family.  That's a dream come true for many women.  You'd understand how awful it would feel to lose that dream, and how hard it would be to tell others about it.  Then maybe she confesses?

This touches upon the crux of the matter.

BPD cannot exist in a world without dichotomy, and we cannot occupy that same space with them without injury.

By definition, BPD-in its dichotomous universe-doesn’t invite resolution, and whatever consolation we seek has to be self-prescribed.

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble, and the sculpture.”

I can intellectually accommodate the nuances of BPD, but emotionally resolving the behaviour(s) is still something that I live with daily.

It would be invaluable if you could share your thoughts as you progress through therapy, and I wish you every success.

Hello Bdx4365 and a warm

"Fortunately", no diagnosis of your partner is necessary to join here and learn new tools and skills. I've mentioned this in a couple of other posts here, but the issues we have aren't what the label or diagnosis is, it's the behaviors -- no matter what the behaviors are or aren't called.

A broad support structure and willingness to try new, unintuitive approaches can be key for trying to make changes in your relationship. And, "fortunately" again, you don't need your W's cooperation, approval, or agreement, for you to start learning about better ways to relate to her.

I hear you that she wasn't interested in MC... do you have an individual counselor of your own?

How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do any of them seem aware of the conflicts?

And would you say that the main issue for you is the constant stream of criticism, or maybe something else?

Fill us in -- we're here to walk alongside you.

I didn’t so much as run into it as it ground into me like grousers on the tracks of a Caterpillar.

It was so incongruous that it was like she was doing a read-through as Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

There’s no denying that her internal narrative was a perpetually looped film of The Perils of Pauline, with me as the maniacally laughing moustachioed villain tying her to a set of railway tracks.

Yes, it’s such a common feature that it’s absence is would make me second guess a great many things.

Hi jj0804 and

That would be really disappointing, to start to have hopes for a future together, and then to feel like things kind of fell apart. I know that hurts.

How long were the two of you in a relationship, before the "big event"?

Could mean a lot of things -- probably at some level, it's about whatever is going on inside of her, and her trying to get her impossibly deep emotional needs met, while coping with wildly varying and often harmfully intense emotions.

If BPD is involved, then a key part of the acronym to remember is that it's Borderline Personality Disorder -- so the ways pwBPD try to get their needs met won't necessarily "make sense" (disordered thinking).

A big question for you would be -- no matter why she does what she does, are you OK with having that kind of behavior in your life? You're in the driver's seat for what you choose to let in.