Eye opening experiences

[who_knows11]

We just went on a family trip to the beach last weekend.  For once I decided not to babysit her feelings while we were there.  It made for the best trip I've had with the family since we've had kids.  The boys and I had a blast and did much more than we normally do as a result of not being concerned of whether or not something was going to make her mad.  I know this was to be expected as it is what everyone on here often mentions.  She, however, still had her normal issues.  Cycled through all the usual emotions.  I've become this way in many more aspects of my life.  Been reading stop walking on egg shells and as a result have decided to do this just to see what would happen.  Hasn't made our situation any better but has kept me from being concerned about the consequences of things.  In other words, it means I don't care how she feels anymore, and I'm not sure that I'm ok with that. 

I realized just a few moments ago what bothers me the most about situations.  I don't care that I might sometimes have to make decisions that are not exactly what I want in order to compromise with the thoughts and feelings of my wife.  That is what marriage is about.  The problem is that I'm never actually able to make a decision because of her feelings.  The feelings make the decision for us.  If I ever contemplate making a decision that goes against her feelings then it triggers the whole "you're selfish, don't care about my feelings, don't love me, always do what you want" reaction.

Not sure why I'm posting this other than taking out some frustration.  My mood is not very good at the moment because we are dealing with a separate issue this morning and I'm on the verge of losing it on someone

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi who_knows11 Good to hear you and your kids enjoyed the vacation. If you liked eggshells, then Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist may be a good follow up. Many of us here have gone through the same transition. It may temporarily get worse, but I've found the long term benefits well worth it.

It's a kind of special needs relationship as I'm sure you've realized. This article summarizes some things to keep in mind.

[15years]

I relate to this very much!

It's an almost impossible balance between caring about oneself and being selfish. I guess this is part of FOG which they talked about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. Maybe you just have to trust that you have good motives with this change. You're not perfect so you may even be a bit selfish sometimes. But if you realize that you indeed was selfish, maybe you can apologize. But I know it feels good AND bad to not care so much about how they feel. But maybe it is that you don't care so much about her immature emotions, in other words you should be able to expect her to take care of her own basic needs. Compare this to how you feel when children are angry at you, at least I don't have the same amount of guilt surrounding their emotions.

[PeteWitsend]

I relate to this very much!

It's an almost impossible balance between caring about oneself and being selfish. ...

That's a false choice in a normal/healthy relationship.

A non-disordered partner won't lay a guilt complex on you for taking care of your own needs, and will understand without needing to be told, that you have needs and those needs must be met if you want to have a happy coexistence.  

and also that taking care of your partner's needs is an obligation if you want to be in a relationship... it's not a reward for good behavior.

It's not "one-sided" all the time.

[who_knows11]

I relate to this very much!

It's an almost impossible balance between caring about oneself and being selfish. I guess this is part of FOG which they talked about in Stop Walking on Eggshells. Maybe you just have to trust that you have good motives with this change. You're not perfect so you may even be a bit selfish sometimes. But if you realize that you indeed was selfish, maybe you can apologize. But I know it feels good AND bad to not care so much about how they feel. But maybe it is that you don't care so much about her immature emotions, in other words you should be able to expect her to take care of her own basic needs. Compare this to how you feel when children are angry at you, at least I don't have the same amount of guilt surrounding their emotions.

I indeed expect her to be able to take care of her own basic needs.  However, I also know she CAN'T take care of them.  I don't feel any guilt about it anymore.  That's the part that scares me.  In order to feel guilt about some things making her mad I would have to still care about things making her mad.  Scary situation for me because I can't say that I have ever felt that way before

[who_knows11]

Hi who_knows11 Good to hear you and your kids enjoyed the vacation. If you liked eggshells, then Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist may be a good follow up. Many of us here have gone through the same transition. It may temporarily get worse, but I've found the long term benefits well worth it.

It's a kind of special needs relationship as I'm sure you've realized. This article summarizes some things to keep in mind.

Those things in the article seem to be geared toward people who are aware of their BPD and wanting to seek treatment.  Am I incorrect in that statement?  My wife's situation is undiagnosed.  No wanting to get better because in her false reality I have the problem, not her.

[who_knows11]

That's a false choice in a normal/healthy relationship.

A non-disordered partner won't lay a guilt complex on you for taking care of your own needs, and will understand without needing to be told, that you have needs and those needs must be met if you want to have a happy coexistence.  

and also that taking care of your partner's needs is an obligation if you want to be in a relationship... it's not a reward for good behavior.

It's not "one-sided" all the time.

I think I understand what you are saying and agree.  What about the emotional needs that a person can only meet and fulfill for themselves.  I think these are inherent to all people.  However, for the BPD they think that those needs must be met by someone else when they can't be.  They don't have the self belief required to fulfill those needs for themselves and just assume it's someone else's fault that they are not being met.  Does that seem accurate?