Hello - first time posting and seeking some advice on how to salvage relationship with my daughter.
She is involved with someone who has BPD.  (she also has bi-polar and it has been well-managed for quite a number of years).

After she split from her ex, she almost immediately became involved with "Joe".  When the family first met Joe for a Thanksgiving celebration, we were all a little uneasy about him but couldn't put our finger on what was bothering us.  He was on his phone 95% of the time and everyone thought that was so rude, especially considering this was his 'first impression' and 'let's meet the family'.  At this point no one knew he had BPD.   He was also very involved with my grandson, who was 5 at the time.  He would overrule anything my daughter said.  She said yes, the little boy can do this, and Joe would say no... or vice versa.  He just seemed to over-rule anything she said, and this was all very odd as well considering he'd never had a child of his own.  All of a sudden he was the master expert on raising HER child.  When I had time alone with her, and mentioned this... she said "Ya, it's his way or the highway."     Bothersome, but she is an adult and this was a choice she made, choosing to be with him.

Fast forward, within a very short time of knowing each other, she becomes pregnant, and they  have a child together.  Because of her bi-polar, and  hormonal changes after giving birth, I went to stay with them for a little while to help her with the baby.  I did most of the night feedings, and at the start would get up a 2, 4 and 6 am.   After a few nights of this, realizing Joe wasn't going to work in the morning.. I offered to "tag team" with him.   He was happy to do this and was very good with the baby.
Throughout my stay with them, I noticed how controlling he was with my daughter's little boy and spending time with him, to the point where the little guy actually preferred Joe's company over his own mom's.    Joe was constantly pushing my daughter's buttons... why wasn't she doing this.. why wasn't she doing that...  They were constantly arguing and she was in tears quite often.   She broke down at one point with me saying she felt she made a huge mistake with him.  I tried to reassure her it was a tough time for her right after having a baby, and thing would get better.  However, Joe's rages were disturbing to me.  Anything could set him off and he would repeat things over and over when re-hashing something that he didn't like.    At one point, my daughter got a phone call from the police who were looking for Joe in respect to a road rage incident where he allegedly threatened someone with a knife.  When Joe got home, that 'conversation' turned into a heated argument and he just didn't understand why his behavior was not acceptable.   He denied the knife bit but acknowledged he got out of his car and "called someone out" on their stupidity.    Later, when I was talking to him about it, he acknowledged he needs to get better control of his anger, but not even 5 minutes later, maintained he was correct in how he responded to the other driver.  I only share this because it's an example of how he is a ticking timebomb and can explode at any slightest thing.

Near the end of my stay with them, yet another heated argument that turned into a screaming match.  A juice pitcher got knocked over... In fairness, it may have happened accidentally, but this was like a final straw for me, watching my grandson, my heart breaking for him.  I asked him if he was frightened and he wouldn't answer me.  I asked him if this happened alot, and he said yes.  I asked him if he'd like me to take him to his dad's place for that night.  (not far away from where my daughter lived)  He said yes, he'd like to go there.

This is where things got crazy.  All of a sudden I'm the bad guy because I took my grandson to his dad's place.  Did I react?  Yes.  Was I out to hurt my daughter and Joe?  No.  I was only thinking of that little boy when they were not.  

When they found out what I had done, Joe freaks out and threatens to leave because "he can't bear for my daughter to lose her son".     My daughter freaks out and tells me we can't let him leave because he is suicidal.  So I help her to calm him down.  He is sobbing  and being very apologetic and by this point she had already told me has BPD, and I'm getting that he has a mental health issue, but i've learned this rather quickly.  Although I've done lots of research on bi-polar in the past, I know very little about BPD.
She calms him down and then the 2 of them go into another room.  When they come back out, they are both calm  and Joe accuses me of drinking the night before.  (??!!)  I had been out to visit a girlfriend the night before  (a needed break from the atmosphere).  I had A glass of wine, followed by dinner and coffee.  By no means was I "drinking", but all of a sudden the tables were turned and he's accusing me of drinking the night before.  My daughter said this was all very awkward, and she asked me to leave.

Since I've been back home, I've apologized for how things played out, but not for taking her son to his dad's place.     I've NEVER done anything like that in my life EVER.  In all the years of caring/babysitting my grandchildren (we have a few), I've never taken them anywhere their parents' didn't know about. This situation was so different... In my heart, I felt it was the right thing to do for my grandson at that time, and if my daughter is honest with herself, she must know that too.  I feel like Joe is manipulating her and she has asked me to stop reaching out to her,.

I'm heartbroken that I may never see her, nor my grandchildren again.   I worry for her.  Do I just hang back until she reaches out?  I just feel at a loss on how to deal with this situation.

Yes, sorry if this wasn't clear. Staff meetings with my immediate co-workers are fine. But some other meetings can feel uncomfortable.

In divorcing with these concerns, you might have several options. 1) Request a parenting/custody evaluation as part of the custody action. The person evaluating might require a mental health evaluation as part of the action. In any case, the involuntary mental health hold should be introduced.
2) You could request a GAL (guardian ad litem) to represent the infant's best interests. This could also end up with various levels of interviews and evaluations.

My soon-to-be ex-husband suspects he has BPD. He had had some rage outbursts before but, during my pregnancy and in the last two months, they escalated to the point that he blew up our marriage. His final episode centered around a delusional belief that my father (my daughter’s grandfather) had abused her. Without getting into details, this is categorically untrue (and not just that I don’t believe it, my ex’s version of events was, literally impossible to be true). It escalated to the point he threatened to break my father’s legs, was abusive to me and my elderly mother, and essentially took my daughter hostage for 12 hours, called the police on me and my father, and was eventually detained under a mental health hold. My daughter was returned to me, a CPS safety plan was put in place and we are now going through divorce proceedings.

Due to his fear of losing his daughter, he is now claiming that he is mentally fine. He is very smart and high functioning.i am terrified the court will believe his lies and he will be given unsupervised access to her (he currently only sees her supervised for a few hours a week).

I don’t know what I expect from this post but I guess I just want to know if anyone has experienced something similar and how it turned out.

Can I safely coparent with someone with untreated BPD. I want my daughter to have her father in her life but, given his behavior I do not feel safe around him and I don’t trust him around my daughter

I feel very alone

Tangled mangled,
I wish I did not have so many financial and legal interests with this group which require me to stand up for my interests. I am glad you are able to distance yourself from disordered people you have to do meetings with.

I have a long road ahead of me to distance myself from these long standing relationships. I am heartbroken that the only way to distance myself forever from these relationships may be for me to die. If I were to take the long road of cutting financial and legal ties with this group, it would be extremely expensive and I might end up broke in addition to all the emotional turmoil that it would involve. I ended most of my financial and legal ties to my sister with NPD; it was heartbreaking, took many years, and the legal expenses were horrendous. These people are not close family members so that does help though they do have many ties to many of my disordered family members.

I do have some friends in this community where I have to attend these challenging meetings. The difference is that my friends do not like these people that I have these challenging legal and financial ties to. I am very proud of the fact that my friends have decided this from their own experiences with these people not through a smear campaign launched by me. This group hates it when I disagree with them, no matter how tactful I try to be and how often I thank them for contributions that they make or show that I care about sad things that happen to them like deaths in their family. It so different with my friends. I was with one last night, and we discussed how we disagree on so many things, especially politics, yet we enjoy the company of each other. I like to have friendships in which we help each other grow as people, we respect that we are two separate people, have many shared interests, and have many lively challenging discussions that few people are able to have these days without getting torn to shreds.

I feel grateful for the few genuine friends that I do have. I have some work to do on being more detached from being disliked by this group, which is what happened with most of the members of my large extended family who made me a scapegoat since birth. I think this group needs a scapegoat and the people in it need to feel superior to others to feel good about themselves.

I think what hurts the most is being told by different people that everybody dislikes me in the group. I happen to know that there are a few people who actually like me. I seem to be a real threat to some people as I am quite naturally a very authentic person and have a hard time being superficial.

This is my first post here and idk how this works. I split on my boyfriend of 2 years last night after he rejected me all weekend and made me feel undesirable and unwanted. I said some pretty mean things to him, I never meant anything I said or did. I honestly don’t even remember alot of it. But I do feel horrible about it because he didn’t deserve it. I’ve split on him a couple of times before and we’ve always been able to work it out. But I think he’s getting tired of me and the way I am. I do my best to fix myself and to work on things but sometimes I can’t control it and don’t realize what k have done until the aftermath and I start receiving consequences and punishments. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I can’t lose him, he is my best friend my soulmate. Please help.

Notwendy,
Did you mean to say that you are fine in some of these meetings and other meetings don't feel so comfortable?

Also, in my experiences I've learned it is rare to have only a very serious addiction problem.  I have known people that are wonderful, and admit their addictions and it is their primary affliction, but mostly people with long-time serious addictions that affect work, family, and friendships, are suffering from some form of a mental health issue and/or personality disorder.

I've been seeing a man for 4.5 years, and have known for some time about his splitting and BPD symptoms.  He returns to abusing Xanax which makes his mood swings and symptoms worse.  He thinks it helps him sleep or perhaps he finds euphoria in it when taking a lot, but. unfortunately this is a terrible drug to abuse in general, and especially when mood swings happen from the BPD and then the withdrawal of the xanax causing mood swings and physical symptoms. 

Yes, this is a familiar feeling- like this difficult relationship is due to me. I used to fear that if people knew about my mother, they would not like me. I think this is also reinforced by my mother blaming me and not taking accountability for her own behavior and others assuming she's a loving mother and so, I must be a problem child.

There was an elderly woman in our community who we used to visit. She had two daughters. We never met them and don't know if they visited or not. It was easy to assume that the daughters were selfish and not visiting their mother. I didn't assume that. I know that my mother can be wonderful and charming to others and how she acts with me when nobody else is around. However, if someone has not experienced this, they don't know that.

Other people will judge but the way I try to manage this is that I too believe there is a higher Judge and that's the only one that matters. This goes both ways. God made my mother exactly as she is and while I may not completely understand the whole picture, God does. So I try to not judge her personal morality but I still can assess her behavior. I don't need to allow anyone to be hurtful to me. I also can decide that if she acts a certain way, I don't have to behave that way.

I try to walk my own line of morals and values with her. Admittedly, it can feel like walking a tightrope and I fall over frequently. Still, I try to act with good intentions towards her and if she can't perceive that, I believe that God can see that I try.

The word is "honor" not obey, or love, or keep happy. Ideally, with a loving parent, these words all go together. When it's an emotionally abusive situation- separating them is a challenge. One way I rationalize it ( and you will need to work this out within your values) is that I honor their higher self. If I were to enable my mother to be abusive, that would not be honoring her best potential. So I have boundaries. Also, if a parent asks us to do something that isn't moral- we should not obey. If my mother asked me to rob a bank ( she didn't do that) I would not be honoring her by robbing the bank.

An example of acting in someone's best interest is refusing to give in to a toddler's request to have cookies for dinner. The toddler is likely to tantrum. But we know it's not in their best interest to only eat sweets even though we know they will be upset with us.

Enabling isn't honoring someone but we all have to work out how to manage this in our own way. I would encourage you to speak to your own clergy about how to manage "honoring a parent".