I feel emotionally destroyed

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been almost 5 days and the only thing that can keep me temporarily from the brink of tears is reading about others that have experienced the same. It is frightening in both its exactitude and its frequency. I absolutely know this person is unfixable and despite all the truest and most heart felt seeming words to the contrary doesn't have the capacity or ability to love in a true sense. So why can't my heart follow my head ? Why did I not run at the first instance of unacceptable treatment ? How could I still be surprised at the outcome ? I can't even replay our relationship in my mind because if I try I start to lose my composure and again the brink of tears. And I am not prone to crying. Everything is 100% on script as to most every story I've read here and elsewhere. I have never considered therapy or counselling and now I truly think I need help. I can't see ever trusting of loving someone ever again even if I know that person is not borderline. So many flips of the switch from loving to cruel and back again in the space of a minutes. The inability to correctly recall words said or unsaid within minutes as well. The thing that made me end it was long story short she had an ex that is a paralegal. She was to be a witness against a former partner who apparently was abusive. Although she didn't need a lawyer I was supposed to be ok with her having had sex with this paralegal in exchange for his unnecessary legal support. Of course she was super loving and we had sex before she shared this with me. I tried to remain calm but when I messaged the next day that i was not ok with it I received vitriol in return. When phoning her she picked up, wanted an apology and then put this paralegal guy on the phone as she was with him at the time doing what it is she does. I feel like crying putting this down and I need to step away now. I am just messed.

[Bushes]

It's been almost 5 days and the only thing that can keep me temporarily from the brink of tears is reading about others that have experienced the same. It is frightening in both its exactitude and its frequency. I absolutely know this person is unfixable and despite all the truest and most heart felt seeming words to the contrary doesn't have the capacity or ability to love in a true sense. So why can't my heart follow my head ? Why did I not run at the first instance of unacceptable treatment ? How could I still be surprised at the outcome ? I can't even replay our relationship in my mind because if I try I start to lose my composure and again the brink of tears. And I am not prone to crying. Everything is 100% on script as to most every story I've read here and elsewhere. I have never considered therapy or counselling and now I truly think I need help. I can't see ever trusting of loving someone ever again even if I know that person is not borderline. So many flips of the switch from loving to cruel and back again in the space of a minutes. The inability to correctly recall words said or unsaid within minutes as well. The thing that made me end it was long story short she had an ex that is a paralegal. She was to be a witness against a former partner who apparently was abusive. Although she didn't need a lawyer I was supposed to be ok with her having had sex with this paralegal in exchange for his unnecessary legal support. Of course she was super loving and we had sex before she shared this with me. I tried to remain calm but when I messaged the next day that i was not ok with it I received vitriol in return. When phoning her she picked up, wanted an apology and then put this paralegal guy on the phone as she was with him at the time doing what it is she does. I feel like crying putting this down and I need to step away now. I am just messed.

[Panshekay]

Welcome, I'm happy you found this site!  How long were you together?  As you know you are NOT alone.  There is such great support here and excellent advice. Take a deep breath, it's going to be ok... .I know it doesn't feel that way currently but you can and will get through this. Keep  reading and posting.

[hopealways]

Hi Bushes
It took me a long time to get here but hopefully you will too.
Where is "here"? It is a place where you realize it's not about them, it's about why we chose to be with someone so irreparably disordered.  I stopped a while ago replaying why she did this and that, what I could have done to make it work etc. Believe me: it will never work with a BPD.
Now I am focused on why I ever stayed. I stayed because the toxicity of the relationship and the constant unsafe warzone I was in precisely replicated my childhood at home. The lack of true love was familiar to me. So I stayed.
YES I am emotionally destroyed as well.
YES I feel empty.
YES I had amazing times with her that I have yet to replicate with another.
But we need to clear the weeds in a garden before we plant new seeds to grow.

[Bushes]

We were together just over one year. Even though I can't see it now I'm sure eventually this feeling has to fade. It's just so confusing to the point of the surreal

[Bushes]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think I always knew in some way that it would never work with such an extreme case of BPD. I need to follow suit and stop replaying everything or trying to make sense of it. I am trying to understand I am not dealing with someone who is relatable. So convincingly expressing their love does not translate to an understanding of what that means or a capacity to actually truly feel it. I see now that the words were not in step with the actions. I do see how I fell into it and I will not let that happen again. Thing is I had a wonderful childhood. I am sure there are issues I need to identify and resolve moving forward. I've never felt the love for anyone I felt for C.  Having said that I have I now clearly see been involved with other BPD relationships and am trying to understand why. I just feel emotionally ruined , lost , and left like trash on the curb. And questioning every single thing I thought about who I loved so very much.

[Outoftheshadows]

Go Bushes,

You're only five days out and I know how difficult this time is and how difficult it will continue to be. It does get better, much better in fact however, you will not heal in a matter of minutes, days it weeks. It's going to be a long proccess so make sure you're well equipped for the battle ahead. Refrain from consuming alcohol or anything that will be detrimental to both your health and sleep pattern. Also remember to eat. It is imperative that you do not get in the habit of skipping meals or missing out on sleep. It really is a tough road Bushes and it has destroyed greater men than you or I, of that I'm certain. Like other posters have conveyed, it will never work with a BPD disorded individual. Hang in there, take care and if you need therapy take it. You will heal, the tears will stop and one day you will realise the beauty in life, for the everyday beauty in life, from the changing of the seasons to the smile on a child's face will, one day, eclipse the perceived beauty of your ex.

[Bushes]

Thank you I really do hope to be in a better place eventually. I am still having a terrible time trying to get sleep. I can't get more than a few hours only when I reach the point of exhaustion. No matter how tired.

[Bushes]

Well as expected she is perfectly ok. I'm embarrassed almost to say I simply needed to know she wasn't in the hospital or worse. As of course we all know is how she wanted me to feel. I did keep it to 10 seconds or less when she did finally pick up. I simply said so you are alive , that's all I needed to know , bye. I do believe knowing that for certain will help me to let go and move on. My commitment is to cease any contact moving forward and I do firmly believe I will follow through. I do know completely I deserve so much better even though I feel the most bitter of sadness. For myself and the future as I thought it would be but also for her. I am completely aware it is a cycle she is destined to repeat time after time after time and will never be in a loving and mutual relationship as whenever faced with that the cycle is doomed to repeat. She may wish she had the capacity to love those that love her but wishing will never make it a reality. Reminding myself every 5 minutes that this is the reality I am faced with is a tool i plan on using along with the fortitude to exit at the first signs of this terribly ruinous disorder if ever I cross paths with it again. Upon much reflection I must admit this isn't the first BPD relationship I have been involved in but it is a thousand times over the one that has caused me the most pain. I still can't imagine ever loving a person as fully as I did C. And believing that as strongly as I do may yet and even likely keep me from even leaving myself open to the possibility. But there is more to life than a relationship with a loving partner and my thinking right now is to return to those other aspects of life much more fully than I have been able to while living this lie. That may sound harsh but it is the best I can see myself doing. Perhaps that feeling will hangs given enough time. I hope so but I am extremely doubtful that it will. But the very first step is to embrace the severing of contact which I now feel fully capable and even I dare say looking forward to doing successfully. To be honest hearing the tone in her voice for those 10 seconds or less and the complete lack of understanding as to why I would be worried in that tone really did help my heart align with my head. I'm even hopeful I may get a few hours of sleep tonight which I haven't been able to do since this drama of the surreal began so few days ago. I can't express how helpful the comments and shared experiences people have shared with me have helped and I'm quite sure will continue to help until a time I am able to feel somewhat like myself again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the chance to start to heal.

[Bushes]

This is a reply I made to a very helpful person that when things started to flow really brought me to a better place. If only one person can gain any insight from it then I thought it would be worthwhile to post here. Going through this without any sort of thought beforehand and letting it come helped me so far and I am going to hold on to these realizations and keep them close so I can get on with a much healthier and happier life as a result.

Yes the rage disgust even embarrassment shame gullible naive so many feelings at once it's hard to hold it together. I just keep telling myself she doesn't possess the capacity to love and that the longer I avoided the BPD the worse it would feel at the inevitable end. And a close call I had. I mean we were engaged and the number of times she said she wanted to have a baby with me and actually and actively tried to make that happen is frightening. She claimed she has had problems in the past with failed pregnancies and told me once she lost our baby just around the two month mark. Now as to what I believe at this point or don't believe who can say. I don't actually think I can believe it when she said hello at this point. In any event she would get angry , of course, if I pulled away before well you know what. So I guess I am lucky depending on the point of view. To be married with a baby and then to have this happen would be more than I could cope with I'm quite certain. If that had been the case I think I would've just given up on any sort of happiness and just let things fall apart come what may. Would you believe the night that started this theatre of the surreal she actually did everything you could imagine to improve her chances of becoming pregnant. And then of course almost as if it were nothing went on to relay the little story of how she had exchanged services for paralegal support however she justified it in her mind. And I was in a state of shock. Not only did she expect me to be ok with that she then went on to say I have something for you then cut a lock of her hair and gave it to me as a gift. Then tucked me in and cuddled up as sweet as you please. I was in such a state of shock I basically just shut my mouth til the morning. She then was super loving as I left for work, texted all sweet numerous times. When it was apparent I was a little down she texts why are you not feeling so great may i ask. Stunned. Told her. And not cruelly somehow. And now here we are. Getting this off me chest is actually making me angry which is a nice change from emotionally destroyed tbh. And now I should be grateful she replaced me , not only doesn't care but doesn't even occur to her to think of me at all I'm certain.  And now it's someone else that gets to be in my spot in a year or so give or take. And you know the wise man being oh so very taking care and looking out for her when he was put on the phone I actually have no sympathy for. He was sitting right there when she cries and yells at me that she had told me about what happened with him and then we had sex so I'm being such a jerk arse. When in fact she told me after that happened which of course now I have to get tested. Point being this guy is sitting there, hears this and then tries to play some kind of mature daddy act. It's just so sickening that I'm going to do my utmost to remember this anger at the pure , again, cold surrealness and nonsense that it truly is. I don't know if this rant has helped anyone. I hope it has in some way because it certainly has me. Thanks for giving me the forum to let it out and for listening. I hope I can hold on to this feeling of how ridiculous it really is for us to feel emotionally ruined because of these antics. When the anger subsides I am going to try to transition it to pity which is what these folks deserve. Our pity. That's the one feeling I am fine with having. And I'll tell you why. Because it's the one and only appropriate feeling to have. It's not as if I have lost a loved one who loved me deeply and was unfairly taken from me. Now that would be a tragedy. This is more comedy than tragedy. And I feel like that is something I can remember that rings much truer than  anything that was ever said or felt by C.  And I think I just may be able to sleep tonight having realized the sheer nonsense of it all and thinking it more as a bullet I have dodged that came better late than later.

[Bushes]

So I'm assuming the replacement had far less understanding than I. I assume this as I got a text message this evening with her saying how she is sorry she was rude the last time we spoke which was when I called her numerous times until she picked up as I was worried she may had done something rash as she has in the past. Typical behaviour in that she went on to say after sorry that she does have a reason and if I care to hear it to let her know sooner rather than later. As she misspelled sooner then corrected her spelling mistake I'm fairly sure she is a half bottle or more into her regimen and has no replacement to listen to her rants and stories. I have taken to turning my ringer off so it was 90 minutes or so until I saw it. I did feel ok with no response. I did however elect to reply briefly that no apologies needed , the last contact I did find she was ok so my mind was put at ease and said I hope you are well. Very very short, to the point and I do believe getting across the point that I will not be joining in this circus any longer. And that is that. I'm sure she has a roster of potential replacements and that she is working through that list at this very moment as she didn't reply. Or she is passed out drunk. What an additional coincidence that this is also the day after blocking her on Facebook and ensuring all posts she had tagged me in through or time together I deleted. I had removed her as a friend there on day one of this debacle but I suppose the thrill of her short lived replacement had kept her occupied so as not to react to that. I have honestly been feeling better every single day. To think at my lowest so very recently I would have most likely went right back to engaging with her as if I meant anything at all to her. The one thing she apologizes for after the avoidance period of pretending I didn't exist was her being rude when I was sick with worry. And then almost taking that back with her mysterious reason and giving what I would take to be some kind of fear of loss ultimatum that I'd best phone her toute suite. Which makes me think she has been fully aware of the complete emotional breakdown she had put me through. I truly believe she thinks I am still the emotionally wrecked person I was so very recently. And had expected I would be thrilled at the precious contact. After having had my emotional epiphany that I posted here a few days ago I am so very happy to say that that is not the case and my insights have not only stuck but strengthened. The coldness and calculating between the lines of that message only underscored that which I only too well realize to be the truth. I would expect at some point either side of two extremes. The anger being strong enough that I will not engage that she takes on any replacement within hours and I don't hear from her until that implodes. Or the message filled with crocodile tears. I feel almost a sense of detached curiosity to see which way it goes after learning so very much about the patterns of behaviour related to BPD. Thank you everyone here this group of people has been a godsend and I would not have reached the point where I am without it.

[Panshekay]

I'm glad to read you are doing so well.  Remember to  stay strong. This is a process.  In nursing school I learned what I called DABDA... .so I could remember it. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. This has come in handy many times especially with all BPD can do to a family. Keep posting, you are smart... .just keep on doing what you have been doing and remember you deserve so much more than what she can or will give you.

[Bushes]

Thank you so much, I can feel my heart accepting what my mind fully understands. I think once the shock started to wear off a bit and I was able to recall our relationship clearly and in full without being influenced or distracted by the constant emotional manipulation that had become the routine I feel almost like I have awakened from a bad dream. And the predictability of the BPD message earlier after such cold heartedness only served to reinforce what I already know. I could see right through the motivation through so few words it just blows my mind a person could put another through all that over the past few weeks and then think the other would even care about what may have caused them to be rude over a 5 second telephone conversation. But I also realize the pointlessness in engaging much less attempting to explain that to her. And to be completely honest I really don't seem to care anymore if she gets help or finds happiness or not. As long as it doesn't involve me I really just. Don't. Care. And I don't feel bad about that even a bit. If a fear or inability to attach due to her BPD caused her to destroy all respect and love I fully had for her well that's one problem she no longer has to deal with. At least not from me. Mission very much accomplished on her part at eliminating this particular case of attaching emotionally. I would actually bet after not getting what she was after with me this evening she tried the manipulation with the replacement. And I bet she was even successful in her desperation. I've been there. I won't be again though.

[Bushes]

Well I have made great progress after a month or so. Around 2 weeks ago I did get a text saying how she was sorry she hadn't returned my belongings and that she has been trying hard and possibly she could return then to my house over the weekend. I replied no need to be sorry about that. Thinking to myself of all things that is what you apologize for ?  I then said just toss the stuff and do not come to my house. Ever. After her saying how she does certainly love me etc and she is sad this is happening and let's talk later I did reply saying please let's talk never and how I am not able to believe a word so there is no point. I did voice some truths after being drawn in. Long story short, next day as I was deleting all messages ever sent as I had explained I would I sent one message prior to hitting delete in response to her question as to in what way was she ever cold , cruel or mean. Very short. She replies to stop harassing or she will call the police. I'm talking two sentences , long after I had blocked all social media etc. She had made another profile after I did that with 4 friends and some creepy stuff but I won't get into all the details. I just figured right on script and continued to delete all history. Then a few weeks later as in yesterday I see a text from her. Saying how the birthday balloon I had got her in February is still floating, and how she knows I don't care but it still going and floating makes her feel better sometimes. That is now the one and only message I have from her. I didn't reply and don't plan on doing so.  I just remind myself that not replying is the only way to get any sort of message across. And I'm not proud of myself but hey after the ignoring stage she pulled when this all began I can't say I'm not more than happy to return the favour. See how it feels to be on the other side of that. Although more likely than not she has already painted me even more black and received the attention she was looking for from the replacement or some other person in some other stage of the cycle. Perhaps in a few more weeks or months I will see another message show up under unknown contact and hopefully I don't have a moment of weakness and send any sort of reply before then. I just did mostly think after last contact and the truths I laid bare to her around her past actions with little candour that I wouldn't have heard back. Combined with her fictional harassment story. It boggles the mind.