Partner wBPD Suddenly Doesn't Know What They Want - Lack of Sense of Self?

[ninthofdecember]

Hi!

I was wondering if anyone could share any information about BPD's lack of sense of self?

My ex-partner wBPD who came back into my life recently told me that they (rather suddenly) don't know what they want, which is why they have been distant for the past few weeks. They also said that they don't want to lead me on "just in case" things don't turn full-on romantic, though they still might, but would still love to spend time with me.

The first time we saw each other and reunited, things were perfect. Super romantic and in love. That same day after leaving, they started to pull away (we've always had a very push/pull dynamic). As usual, I started to thought spiral about the "what if's" but I am trying to not blame myself because, as I have learned, seldom a time does it really have anything to do with me.

Can this have anything to do with an unstable sense of self? It seems very odd to all of a sudden not be sure of what you want when you knew for such a time. Though I suppose it might be common if you aren't quite sure of who you really are. This happens often... .impulsive behavior, the sudden anxiety or changing of the mind... .I'm wondering if there is a connection.

Thanks a ton for any offered insight 

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[justsomeone87]

Hi,

pwBPD do not have a stable sense of self. Instead, their 'self' is heavily fragmented, and they need subjects to mirror to make themselves whole. This is why they have so much trouble being alone, even momentarily. They have issues with object permanence and lose their sense of self when alone. Since their sense of self constantly changes depending on who they are with, their aspirations also quickly change.

And this is just my opinion based off my own experience, but your partner may have just lost a relationship (or feels they are about to lose one) and is trying to keep you on a string in case they end up alone and need to recycle the relationship with you to avoid being alone. More likely is that they may also have a second possible partner that they are grooming to see if he/she will take the bait for a r/s, after which they will ditch you like nothing happened - a new toy is much more fun to play with than going back to an old toy, but they want to keep you on reserve just in case. Basically they are just keeping their options open.

Do not blame yourself as you are correct that it has nothing to do with you. My only advice is to look into why you are willing to jump back into a r/s with him/her, because unless they have made serious efforts in therapy, the same problems from before are likely to rise up again.

[livednlearned]

Hi ninthofdecember,

That must feel very confusing  to have things be so romantic and close, followed by distancing.

Were you able to slow down the relationship when things picked back up? How were the boundaries?

People who don't have BPD can also feel cold feet or change their minds in relationships  

Is your pwBPD still in treatment?