Give back engagement ring?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD broke up with me for the thousandth time, but this time was completely different.  He did not rage, he was not drunk, and it was not a reaction to something I said.  Looking back, he's been distancing himself from me for the last few months. 

We have been together for 13 years, though we do not live together.  He bought me a very nice engagement ring 7 or 8 years ago.  It has been a few years since I've worn it or considered myself engaged to him; his rages and push/pull behavior has been so frequent and rampant that I knew I could never marry him. 

However, I still loved him and it was always me who begged to get back together whenever he broke up with me.  Despite how he treated me, it was hard for me because I guess I have a fear of abandonment.  Unfortunately, once I figured out he has BPD, it was even harder for me to get angry at his emotional abuse toward me because I know, on some level, that he can't help it.

Back to the ring.  One of the frequent attacks against me is his belief that I have never contributed to the relationship.  He feels he does everything for me and I've done nothing for him.  Yes, he has put an extensive amount of time and effort into working on my house.  I think he enjoys it, and I appreciate it, but I always wanted him to work less and spend time with me rather than the house.  He does not know how to relax.  Now that he's broken up with me, he wants the ring back so he doesn't feel used.  The ring has been a source of contention in the past.  I never gave it back to him before because I always had hope that we would stay together and I'd did not want to sever the relationship.

But things seem different now.  I am fearful of him hating me if I don't give it back.  While I know I don't have to, I just want him to not hate me.  And if I'm honest, I feel that giving it back is the only chance I have to get back together.  He says he will finish the current project at my house if I give it back.  Frankly, I would rather get back together, but he seems resolute this time. One of my friends says to wait, as I'm not thinking rationally at this time and only thinking emotionally. 

[Pinksunset]

My BPD broke up with me for the thousandth time, but this time was completely different.  He did not rage, he was not drunk, and it was not a reaction to something I said.  Looking back, he's been distancing himself from me for the last few months. 

We have been together for 13 years, though we do not live together.  He bought me a very nice engagement ring 7 or 8 years ago.  It has been a few years since I've worn it or considered myself engaged to him; his rages and push/pull behavior has been so frequent and rampant that I knew I could never marry him. 

However, I still loved him and it was always me who begged to get back together whenever he broke up with me.  Despite how he treated me, it was hard for me because I guess I have a fear of abandonment.  Unfortunately, once I figured out he has BPD, it was even harder for me to get angry at his emotional abuse toward me because I know, on some level, that he can't help it.

Back to the ring.  One of the frequent attacks against me is his belief that I have never contributed to the relationship.  He feels he does everything for me and I've done nothing for him.  Yes, he has put an extensive amount of time and effort into working on my house.  I think he enjoys it, and I appreciate it, but I always wanted him to work less and spend time with me rather than the house.  He does not know how to relax.  Now that he's broken up with me, he wants the ring back so he doesn't feel used.  The ring has been a source of contention in the past.  I never gave it back to him before because I always had hope that we would stay together and I'd did not want to sever the relationship.

But things seem different now.  I am fearful of him hating me if I don't give it back.  While I know I don't have to, I just want him to not hate me.  And if I'm honest, I feel that giving it back is the only chance I have to get back together.  He says he will finish the current project at my house if I give it back.  Frankly, I would rather get back together, but he seems resolute this time. One of my friends says to wait, as I'm not thinking rationally at this time and only thinking emotionally. 

[Herodias]

Either way you will not do the right thing in his eyes right now I'm sure. Next time he asks, ask him if he really means it and if so, give it to him. Why make it an argument to always have. If you aren't setting a date for marriage, then why be engaged. Besides, I would seriously reconsider marriage if you think he is BPD. Look in the divorce section and see all the hell you go through when you want out or they've up and left. It's not worth it. Im still battling my ex after 2 and a half years. I honestly don't see the need for marriage much any more after this experience. I'd rather come up with our own document to sign with an attorney over property and health issues and not have to deal with divorce lawyer. You can call yourself married. If you give it back, expect to be berated over your not loving him that he's not good enough for you or him wanting you to have it back. It's all push - pull, let me be in control... .Good luck.

[marti644]

Hi Pink,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. So sorry. If the ring is his I suggest you give it back to him if he asks for it. It seems from what you have said the ring is a source of the push and pull dynamics of your relationship. Something I have learned about being in a BPD relationship that has really helped me is learning to set strong boundaries. Maybe you should set clear boundaries around the ring, explain that you do not want it to be a focus of argument anymore.


Communicating with someone with BPD is very tough, but stepping outside the gas lighting and manipulation is the first step to setting the boundaries of a healthy relationship. Putting aside their wants and needs and focusing on you helps much more in developing a better relationship with them or someone else. Focus on you Pink you are not responsible for his actions.

Take care, marti

[roberto516]

After my first BPD relationship I asked her for the engagement ring back. She refused. Eventually I gave up and just stopped. Would it have been nice if she gave it back? Yeah. The money would have helped me at that time. But looking back? What do I care. She probably pawned it anyway and got money for it like she did wit her exe's stuff when she dated me. As time goes on it means less and less. I had actually forgot all about it until you just reminded me with this.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey pinksunset - I am really sorry to hear that things have been so difficult. This sounds like a really difficult time and I really feel for you 

I understand completely how an engagement ring can become much much more than a piece of jewelry. As marti644 observed, the ring seems to have become a part of the push and pull. You're in a position now to decide if you want to keep it "in play" (for example, give it back to try and solicit another "pull" cycle), or maybe do something else.

If you could set aside the fear and anxiety around him hating you, what would you REALLY want to do about the ring? Would you want to keep it because it has some value to you? Would you want to hand it back to him without any further expectation place on either of you? Something else?

[Pinksunset]

I wrote earlier about an engagement ring.  I gave it back to him last night, since he was so resentful about doing all of the work on my house and nothing in return.  I asked if we could try again and just go slowly.  He agreed.  I thought he was giving us another chance. 

I called him today and he did not want to talk to me.  I'm too needy, I'm not going to change, we are a bad combination, etcetera.  Then he sent me a text saying it's over, he needs a clean break, I should date, and that he has a friend visiting and he's going to go out with her.

I picked up the last of my things from him and cried in front of him.  I'm embarrassed now.  Sent him a text saying so and he responded that he wished things were different, and then he blocked me.

That's probably for the best, because we've been doing this for years.  I just feel really lost, and sad, and kind of pitiful because I'm not strong.

[once removed]

im so sorry Pinksunset. to say the least, thats an awfully cold way to be treated by someone you love and shared a life and dreams with.

That's probably for the best, because we've been doing this for years.  I just feel really lost, and sad, and kind of pitiful because I'm not strong.

it takes strength to know how and when to ask for support.

after my breakup, loved ones told me "youre stronger than you think." it felt kind of invalidating, because, well, i felt like i was dying, and i certainly wasnt emitting a lot of "strength"; it just made me feel worse. i wont turn around and tell you the same thing they told me, but i will tell you that you have the power to survive this, and go on to thrive.

right now i can imagine how lost you feel, it can all be so overwhelming, you may not be sure which way to turn, and you may not have the will even if you did.

do you have loved ones, friends and family that you can lean on? surround yourself with people that love you. see the goodness in you reflected in their eyes and the way they treat you. and with the ones that are good, sympathetic shoulders to cry on, lean on them, cry to them, whatever it takes.

friends and family likely havent had the same proximity to this person as you have, and a lot of members find that their loved ones struggle to understand, or eventually run out of words to say. i really encourage you to see a therapist to help you process.

and of course, as you are able, maintaining routine and building on it will really help. count the small stuff, all of this will help give you a sense of normalcy and accomplishment.

im a big fan of the lessons, skills, and tools here - they really cover the grieving process, the questions that race through our minds, information about BPD and relationships involving someone with BPD... .theyre a great roadmap to recovery.

and lastly, lean on us. we are here to support you 24/7, and we will help you get through this.

[Pinksunset]

Once removed, 

Thank you for your kind words-you have no idea how your words and compassion make me feel a little less alone right now. 

I do have friends who love and support me and they have been great through this.  I just feel bad about leaning on them so much.  They have been telling me for years that this relationship was bad and they knew I wouldn't break it off.  I just feel dumb that I couldn't break it off and that I felt sorry for him when he raged because I excused it as his BPD.  I knew it was abusive but it was hard for me to remain angry at him.  I just never thought he'd break up with me for good. 

[Herodias]

" I just feel dumb that I couldn't break it off and that I felt sorry for him when he raged because I excused it as his BPD.  I knew it was abusive but it was hard for me to remain angry at him.  I just never thought he'd break up with me for good."

I can totally relate... .I am so sorry. It is for the best though... .try and not get sucked back in. He may try. Try not to try and get him back either, I did that and I was embarrassed for doing so. He cannot be alone, so he will be with someone else faster than you can imagine. It's really painful. You just have to realize he was projecting the things he blamed you for. It's not your fault. xo

[once removed]

I do have friends who love and support me and they have been great through this.  I just feel bad about leaning on them so much.  They have been telling me for years that this relationship was bad and they knew I wouldn't break it off. 

just a bit of advice: be upfront about your needs to your loved ones. tell them how they can best support you. if they cant do that, lean on someone who can, and just enjoy the company, and whatever else you enjoy from those who dont quite have the words.

i didnt think that my ex would leave me either, and when she did, it was devastating. it can create serious feelings of rejection. be very kind and gentle with yourself at this time.

[hopealways]

I wrote earlier about an engagement ring.  I gave it back to him last night, since he was so resentful about doing all of the work on my house and nothing in return.  I asked if we could try again and just go slowly.  He agreed.  I thought he was giving us another chance. 

I called him today and he did not want to talk to me.  I'm too needy, I'm not going to change, we are a bad combination, etcetera.  Then he sent me a text saying it's over, he needs a clean break, I should date, and that he has a friend visiting and he's going to go out with her.

I picked up the last of my things from him and cried in front of him.  I'm embarrassed now.  Sent him a text saying so and he responded that he wished things were different, and then he blocked me.

That's probably for the best, because we've been doing this for years.  I just feel really lost, and sad, and kind of pitiful because I'm not strong.

IN BOLD: This is exactly what lack of empathy in a BPD looks like. When you are down they insert their sword one last time into your soul and leave, when all we needed was a hug.

[Skip]

I picked up the last of my things from him and cried in front of him. 

This is sad just reading it. It's very human and very sincere to cry at a time like this. 13 years iss along time. You need not feel embarrassed. You need to be true to your feelings.

[DaddyBear77]

Pinksunset, I am so sorry things have taken this turn for you.

I'll simply echo what others have already said - feelings are what reminds us that we're human beings, and they come from the very core of who we are. When we express them, we're expressing our humanity. We sometimes fall into the trap of trying to conform to what others expect - "don't cry about that", "don't let someone see your weakness", and worst of all, "don't feel that way." This isn't being true to our human nature and limits our experience of life.

I say this as someone with experience. My breakup happened after 7 years, 4 of which I was married. I tried very hard to hide my emotions, only to have them overwhelm me when I least expected it. Denying my emotions meant I never grieved the loss and, more importantly, never looked at the deeper reasons why I would stay in a relationship that was so toxic for me. It's only now, 10 years later, that I'm finally allowing myself to process things, and it's much more complicated.

We're here for you. We've been there and we support you. Please keep posting. We're here to help.

[Xeonrebel]

I think its a way to get back some power and not to keep enabling all the bad things they do. I ask my ex gf the engagement rings (2 rings... ) after almost 2 months of silent treatment and learning that shes looking like a desperate woman for a replacement. All of the times i asked for the ring either she said that she will return them or would stayed quiet. I believe she wanted to keep them for some reason. Anyway, i asked her mother for the rings, i sent the money so there wouldnt be more excuses, And i received them a few days ago. I'm still getting the silent treatment and i'm pretty sure she will keep looking for replacement but now knows (or doesnt, honestly i dont care anymore) that her actions have consequences . Only the time Will tell if she learned or not.

[dazedandconfuzed]

So sorry you're going through this. I was literally about to buy mine an engagement ring. She even asked why I had so much cash in an account and didn't I realize it was wasteful and that I should invest that money.