Struggling to understand adult daughter - May be BPD?

[fantuinn]

Daughter has had somewhat volatile relationships since adolescence but nothing like current situation. At the start of 2020 she became increasingly angry at me, With her texting and calling to detail my innumerable parental failures/demanding that I acknowledge my behaviors and apologize. Much of it was out of left field, but she was so upset I began trying to do as she asked - to no avail. She had begun seeing a therapist about 3 months prior to all these sudden changes and out of the blue, she began saying her therapist felt I had a mental illness; maybe BPD. She inundated me with videos and magazine articles about it, and when I said I felt that was inaccurate and inappropriate, she stated her feelings were concrete and if I did not seek counseling then we could not have a meaningful relationship anymore. After her ultimatum, things seemed to reach some sort of fragile balance for a little while. Then she and her husband had a fight and a few weeks later, She was accusing her spouse of serious abuse, and threatened to file a police report if he doesn’t agree to all of her demands regarding support and $$. She was apparently badmouthing me to her coworkers & friends all throughout this time, as well to her brother and to her brother’s spouse. My daughter in law, who sees this as a #metoo moment, 100% supports EVERYTHINGmy daughter says, which has caused major problems between my son and I and casts a shadow over my relationship with my grandchild. At this point, I have stopped any effort to talk or text with her (beyond sending  “I love you” type messages)  but she continues to sporadically reach out to me. Each time it is the same - w/in minutes she is irate and circling into the same furious loop of haranguing me about how I ruined her, didn’t support her, was a terrible mother etc. N the beginning I was angry and defensive, but I always acknowledged that I am not perfect and have made mistakes. I have written and said I hear you, I’m sorry 1000s of times even though many of the things she says are utterly fabricated. But nothing I say matters. She sends messages to her father , referring to me as “your wife” and saying I’m mentally ill. Yesterday she “accidentally” called me, but since I answered, she vented to me angrily for a solid 12 minutes and then said I am toxic to her and she cannot talk to me anymore. I am shocked and gutted by this. Without exaggeration, only a few months ago we were talking about her yard and sharing plants and movies and funny memes and suddenly my family has totally been blown apart. We struggled in her younger years, but she has become someone I do not know. I am a high functioning alcoholic, in active recovery for 17 years (over half her life). I had a difficult childhood and struggled w/my own mother so I felt I tried extra hard to be aware and do better for my daughter... but obviously I did not succeed. I’m devastated and desperate. I know my daughter must be suffering terribly, and as wounded as I am, my whole heart goes out to her because I truly believe that hurt people hurt people. I’m hoping someone here can suggest things to help her or myself. I saw and will read the materials made available here and I guess just wait to see if my experience resonates with any other people here. Thank you for the opportunity to reach out here, and to those who take the time to read this.  - fantuinn

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome Fantuin,
It is without doubt that some therapists do blame parents ( in my case, the mother in particular).  However, the important thing to remember  is to try relinquishing control of the dialogue between your daughter and her therapist. Some considerations:
~ Your daughter may not be telling the whole truth to you, or hearing it right  as it has to get filtered through her thinking process.
~ Even if it is true about the therapist, the reality is this is a convo between 2 adults and pretty much nothing you can really do or say to defend yourself.  Unless  your daughter invites you to speak with her therapist yourself, there is nothing you can really do.
~ This is counter intuitive, but what I am learning (painfully ) is that I have to help myself first  as I have no control over my adult BPD son.  The  lies, cursings, rants are that- shocking.  However, these are coming from a sick place and a distorted reality.  Please try not to let yourself be defined by what your daughter yells.  
~  You did not cause this.  Read up all you can on BPD, there are suggestions in the Library here.  try starting with  " Stop Walking on Eggshells"
~ Maybe a boundary on her calling you would be  most helpful:  Don't answer her right away, let it go to voicemail to give yourself a  buffer and some space.  
You are not alone.