Ridiculous advice on weight and dieting

[Sappho11]

Hey everyone. I just had a thought that I wanted to post here, maybe some of you can relate.

I've known at least four people suffering from BPD, three of them formally diagnosed. And I realised that all of them were constantly dishing out diet advice, despite being in poor shape themselves.

I'm not perfect, nor a health nut. I just work out, eat sensibly, consistently hold a good weight. Like most people, sometimes I fall off the wagon, but I always get back on it with resistance training, cardio, monitoring macros, the lot.

For some reason, experience or knowledge means nothing to people with BPD. They think they are the authority on everything even when they are patently not.

BPD#1 probably had anorexia and always told me I was fat. I could never eat anything around her without her making disparaging comments on how it was making me "uglier" etc.

BPD#2 was very athletic and always told me I was weak. However, when I put on some muscle, she'd say I was looking "too bulky". She was addicted to painkillers so not exactly an authority on healthy living.

BPD#3 had a problem with my 3x weekly gym habit and tried to get me off it by any means necessary – first by asking, which I declined, then by starting arguments before my scheduled sessions, finally by shadowing me and following me wherever I went – including running after me during a jog in winter even though he didn't have exercise clothes. Yeah. He literally looked like a random crazy guy chasing after a young woman jogging. He'd also order tons of junk food, then complain how unhealthy this was.

BPD#4 was the man who pretended to be my father (he's recently made a reappearance but that's for another time). He was morbidly, morbidly obese – to a degree I had literally never seen before. Coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, he had the lot. He unironically thought that putting one instead of three tablespoons of sugar into his tea counted as dieting. When he once learnt that I was temporarily dieting, he went completely ballistic, told me that this was "dangerous", that I "didn't know what [I was] doing", and that I would "ruin my health or even die". I tried to explain to him that I was in good health precisely because I did know what I was doing, and I was literally following a doctor-approved, medical-grade plan of meals and exercise. To no avail. In his eyes, he knew better than the past 50 years of biochemistry and sports research combined. Whenever I visited, he tried to sabotage my efforts. Seven or eight meals a day, all junk food, and huge portions. "You're going to starve, eating like a sparrow." Eating huge lunches to the point of nausea one hour, followed by cake the next, followed by ice cream one hour later, and so on. It was insane. I tried to be polite and eat a little of everything. At some point I said "I'm sorry, I just can't eat any more" and he promptly flew into a rage about how "ungrateful" I was. But I digress.

I also remember a couple, one of whom might have been BPD, and both were similar. Undisciplined, wasteful, both obese, but they never tired of criticising me for my weight. Always telling me what to do, without doing anything themselves.

My step-parents were the same. Constantly telling me I was fat and pointing out all my physical flaws, while they themselves were medically obese (I was still at a normal weight though at the high end of the range back then). Any healthier eating or exercise I attempted was ridiculed until I stopped, or downright forbidden if I didn't. Asking for a portion that wasn't oversized at dinner (always junk food)? "Don't be ridiculous, you have to eat properly." When I finally escaped and moved abroad at 17, I lost 20lb in five weeks. 20lb that never came back.

Since personality-disordered people love to tear you down, give unsolicited advice, and generally think themselves holier-than-thou because they have zero self-awareness, I was wondering how common this was in other people's experience.

Perhaps we can even get a laugh out of it? Share the most ridiculous diet advice you've received from your disordered relative(s).

[Notwendy]

My BPD motherwas always dieting and then eating later when by herself. She was generally petite - she didn't have weight to lose. In middle age she put on some weight but overall was very tiny.

I recently found a family picture. I was in my teens. I was average size- not too big, not skinny- an average size kid and on the shorter side. I would not have ever thought that child in the picture would need to lose weight but by then, my mother had been telling me I was too big. She even would joke about it saying I would play football in college.

What stood out in the picture was that my younger sibling had not started to fill out yet and was skinny and my mother was about the same size, very skinny. Too skinny. Yet she was always on a diet and her telling me I was too big must have been projections. I struggled with that because, by comparison, I was larger than she was. I also did some sports and had more muscle, but I was the size I was supposed to be.

[CC43]

Sappho,

That sounds like projection to me.  As you probably have experienced, people with BPD are typically hypersensitive.  They are probably dissatisfied with their own dietary habits and general well-being (or lack thereof).  This criticism and preoccupation is weighing on them excessively, so it's re-directed towards you.  I'd say that they are dissatisfied with themselves, feel overly upset about it, and perhaps feel powerless to change, because the victim mentality is prevalent with BPD.  So they try to convince you that you're unwell and possibly idiotic for trying to take care of your health, in an ill-conceived attempt to feel better about themselves and their inaction.

When I'm the subject of unfounded criticism, I typically remind the person who is commenting that I'm responsible for me, and they are responsible for themselves.  If the criticism is founded, then I might surprise them and say, you know what?  You're absolutely right.  Let's get on a regime of healthier habits (or helping with housework, or reducing screentime, or whatever), together.  But if I do it, I expect you to do the same.  Right?  Because we are equals:  the rules should apply to both of us, not just to me.  That usually ends the conversation (at least for a few days)!

[Notwendy]

As an adult, I can see this as projections. I think I was about 10 when BPD mother started this with me. I didn't realize then that she is the one with an eating disorder. I was just a regular kid. 10 is about the time girls begin to fill out and start puberty and it was distressing to hear her tell me I was getting too big for what was a normal growth process.

Add to that - the media message and the very skinny fashion models that were celebrities. Genetically, I wasn't destined to look like them. I had a wrong impression growing up - I thought I was too big but I wasn't.

While I realize it's projection now, it has had an affect on my confidence.