Fear of abandonment

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My father left our family for someone else when I was five and apart from a couple of fleeting times I never saw him again. I remember my mum’s pain at the time and looking back it still makes me cry for her. I’ve been thinking that maybe I might have some sort of fear of abandonment because of this although I can’t see it being a problem in my previous relationships. However, my ex’s fondness for push/pull behaviour felt excruciating to me. One minute being the love of his life and the next his arch enemy. One minute wanting to be with me forever then telling me he hates me. It was the most painful experience of my life and I’m just wondering if this triggered some deep seated fear in me associated with my family. I hope it doesn’t mean I have BPD!

[Larmoyant]

My father left our family for someone else when I was five and apart from a couple of fleeting times I never saw him again. I remember my mum’s pain at the time and looking back it still makes me cry for her. I’ve been thinking that maybe I might have some sort of fear of abandonment because of this although I can’t see it being a problem in my previous relationships. However, my ex’s fondness for push/pull behaviour felt excruciating to me. One minute being the love of his life and the next his arch enemy. One minute wanting to be with me forever then telling me he hates me. It was the most painful experience of my life and I’m just wondering if this triggered some deep seated fear in me associated with my family. I hope it doesn’t mean I have BPD!

[woundedPhoenix]

In short, a borderline push pull is nothing more then swinging between fear of Engulfment/Intimacy and fear of abandonment.

It feels like this high intensity love relationship but it has more to do with fear of love then love itself.

It's always when things go to smooth that conflict arises, my ex in retrospect had lots of tools in place like subtile triangulations to prevent things ever going too well.

And when things went too far down hill the sorrys and make-up behaviour arose, the "victim of herself" look pulled me back in all the time.

In a way i see my relationship now more as a boat that was constantly being rocked in a big test to see if it would ever tip.

It didn't tip, but the rocking eventually wore the boat down so that it finally broke in a million pieces.


And yes, to stay in that boat, you probably have some abandonment fears yourself, or you are afraid to jump out and swim on your own.

The beginning of a BPD relationship ussually sooths these abandonment fears cause the BPD goes out of its way to comfirm their everlasting love and admiration to you.
And exactly when you become confident you will never be abandonned by this person, their push pull will start to play into exactly this abandonment fear you thought you shouldn't be afraid of in this relationship.

Ironic isn't it... .

[Meili]

Hey Larm,

I have a very similar experience with my x and the push/pull and my own abandonment fears as a result of my FOO.

Because I have the opportunity to actually talk to my x about many of the things that have happened between us, she's been able to give me some really good insight into how she sees the dynamic. Now, I'm not saying that our situation is 'norm' for a BPD r/s, so please take it with a grain of salt (or a truckload, or whatever).

Her push would generally start with something that she saw as a perfectly natural reaction to a situation. Things like frantically crying and criticizing me because I have not done something that she expected (without asking) me to do, my not saying the thing that she wanted to hear right then, or my saying something in the wrong way.

This would trigger my fear of rejection. I would push her away in an effort to mitigate the damage I was receiving and prepare to run to prevent myself from being hurt.

This would cause the whole thing to get worse. If I didn't push though, it would get worse anyway.

When things would get too intense, I would push so hard that I'd push her away completely to try to stop the pain. She would rage at that point and frantically try to retain the attachment. When I would agree, things went back to the honeymoon many times until it started all over again. As WP noted, this "rocking of the boat" finally caused it to shatter into a million pieces.

Like you, I couldn't see my abandonment issues playing a substantial role in my previous relationship (well, all but one, but she treated me much the same as the current x). The more that I learn about myself though, the more that I can see that it did. It just manifested itself in different ways.

My x is also recognizing my push/pull when we talk now. She has been doing a stellar job of telling me to stop and reassuring me that while we may never reconcile, she's still here and has not abandoned me. She doesn't see the her part in the push/pull dynamic when we were a couple however. All that she sees is my getting upset with her and pushing her away. She feels justified (although embarrassed) in her frantic, raging attempts to maintain the attachment. But, again, our situation is unique.

So, all that being said, our FOO issues can creep up in ways that we don't expect. They can also manifest themselves in a number of different ways that can be hard for us to recognize at first. It may or may not be true for you that you did things in prior r/s, but it is probably worth investigating further as you continue on your journey to figure out what got and kept you in a r/s like this. It certainly won't hurt.

[gotbushels]

Lol Larmoyant I'd consider avoiding labelling yourself   

Piece by piece with patience. Everyone has family issues to some extent. Repairing Cinderella's glass slipper is not a rush job--I encourage you to treat yourself how you would a good friend.

We can have beliefs that don't work with our relationship lives. When a child observes specific behaviours from parents, sometimes critically overextending the meaning, these undesirable beliefs may result.

E.g., "A good relationship with a stable spouse is a key part of my mum/dad's happiness, mum seems to do whatever it takes to an unhealthy level to keep it together, therefore I believe that a partner (man/woman) must hold the key to the other person's (my own) happiness."*

If the pain is so severe to be as memorable as you describe Larmoyant then I encourage you to investigate this in your questions to yourself for Personal Inventory. It can strengthen the recovery process by increasing what good you take away from it. Piece by piece with patience 


*Ten Beliefs; Belief #1 discussion thread (includes members discussing FOO).

[woundedPhoenix]

Her push would generally start with something that she saw as a perfectly natural reaction to a situation. Things like frantically crying and criticizing me because I have not done something that she expected (without asking) me to do, my not saying the thing that she wanted to hear right then, or my saying something in the wrong way.

This would trigger my fear of rejection. I would push her away in an effort to mitigate the damage I was receiving and prepare to run to prevent myself from being hurt.

This would cause the whole thing to get worse. If I didn't push though, it would get worse anyway.

It played out in much the same way in my r/s here.  :)idn't know back then a lot of what she was throwing at me where actually projections that had very little to do with me.

We pulled back because the accusations and rages made us feel uncomfortable, unworthy or on the brink of rejection, and there was very little to be done about them. Validating emotions sometimes helped, other times just flared up the conflict of blind rage, whatever kind words you would use, her brain would turn them into something hurtfull... .

I guess i felt very similar when i was young. Being unable to identitify as a kid that i was actually emotionally neglected due to my mothers personal problems in her backpack, you always look to yourself as the cause of trouble.

In the end, wasn't it normal that we pulled back? That we rather isolated ourselves then to sustain the unjustified hurt?

[troisette]

Hi Larmoyant

Like Meili, I also have fear of abandonment due to childhood FOO events and my experience of push/pull is similar too.

My father died when I was three, too young to understand the concept of death and interpreting it as abandonment because I wasn't a good enough child. I think your experiences of abandonment by your father when you were five have probably caused trauma for you that's worth investigating with a therapist.

"Ambiguous losses" such as ours are endings without proper closure or understanding and especially painful when you are a child without adult reasoning. I'm also wondering whether you took on the role of emotional caretaker of your mother when your father left? Sorry if I'm wrong.

Good luck.  

[Meili]

In the end, wasn't it normal that we pulled back? That we rather isolated ourselves then to sustain the unjustified hurt?

Well, I would think that "normal" would have been to remove ourselves from the situation completely. But, yes, "normal" for me was to pull back to mitigate damage.

Each of us develops our own coping mechanisms and learns to deal with things in different ways. To expand on what GB touched on, as young children, when we are learning how this thing called life works, we sometimes misinterpret what we experience. In Larmoyant's case, her father's leaving, mother's pain, and her only seeing him a couple of times thereafter. In mine, an alcoholic mother who would lock me in a room rather than deal with me and a father who traveled for business so was gone a lot and when he was home, his attention was focused on my mother.

Now, I won't pretend to project what Larmoyant feels/felt regarding her father's leaving, but my mind learned all sorts of "bad facts" about what love is and isn't, how people in a loving r/s treat one another, and what I should except from others as far as how I'm going to be treated.

What's interesting is that when my x would start with her perceived abandonment or rejection cycle, rather than giving her the very thing that I would want to be given, I would get triggered and brace myself for impact. I ended up treating her as I expected to be treated rather than how I wanted to be treated.

What did you experience in your push/pull situations Larmoyant? How did you handle it?

[JerryRG]

Not sure this applies to this topic but here's one incidence that comes to mind about my exgf

Her nephews came to my place to visit one afternoon along with my son and his mother. I live right next to a city park and took the nephews there to fly kites. When it started getting dark my exgf asked me to go home to get my telescope so the nephews could view the moon. I said no it isn't worth the trouble because the moon wasn't in a good phase for viewing but she insisted so I walked way back to my place and gathered all the lenses and scope and walked back to the kids.

I lined up the moon while the boys all eagerly awaited for me to calibrate the scope and focus and finally they took turns looking at the moon. About 5 minutes into them having fun my son started crying about something and since mom was there I kept trying to entertain the nephews because I was asked to.

The exgf gets upset and takes off with our son down the hill we were on without saying a word, angry I was ignoring our son? Having my hands full entertaining 3 boys all trying to take turns looking at the moon.

The exgf goes back to my place and pouts and later chews me out for ignoring our sons cries and throws in the fact she slipped pushing him down the hill in his stroller and injured herself.

I am thinking this is a no win situation and this apitimized our whole relationship, her childish tantrums and unfair expectations and demands of me made it clear she not only didn't love me but she had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever.

So when I kicked her out of my life last November it was my answer to her daily disgaurd of me and my wellbeing. She was impossible to please and downright mean and cruel on her best days.

Whether I left her or she left me it doesn't matter, she was never mine to begin with, I gave, she took, I loved, she used me. There never was a relationship to begin with and there never will be for her. We are just objects for her pleasure and to fulfill her emptiness. I get that now.

Any healthy man would run from her as fast as he could.

That's what made me decide I'd had enough. She is truly sick and I can't help her.

I offered her the solution, she's just to sick or to cowardly to face her truth.

[Larmoyant]

Warning! long, possibly boring post. Apologies, but wow do I feel a load has been taken off.

In answer to Meili's question: "What did you experience in your push/pull situations Larmoyant? How did you handle it?”

I think the push/pull changed as the relationship went on probably something to do with my reactions to it. He stopped outright ending the relationship, but still pushed me to my limit threatening the stability of it. Like some sort of test. I ended up finishing it. It was destroying me.

At the beginning it was basically: I love you. Mood switch. I hate you. Relationship over. Phone call. Let’s try again. Reunion. Ok for day or two, sometimes only minutes and I am not kidding. He once told me he was moving to a different State 10 minutes after wanting back.

Another example, all was apparently well, blissful even, discussing our future together, then he’d start looking for flights announcing he was going on a holiday by himself. Walking the puppy on the beach discussing where we were going to live then suddenly angrily being told that the puppy isn’t mine, would never be mine and he can’t see a future for us. Again, after a lovely night together he’d call me on my way to work to tell me it was over.

I remember feeling incredibly confused, anxious and I would cry and retreat. He’d watch me cry seemingly ‘satisfied’, with himself. I recall it as sadistic treatment. He’d then date other women. This scenario played out over and over.

Then there were the rages, along with accusations, insults, nasty insinuations, attacks on my loved ones, public humiliation, leaving me stranded. I’d increasingly react angrily, defend myself and fight back leaving me feeling defeated and exhausted.  Chaos. A couple of times it got physical and I was hurt. Still clung on, but I didn’t handle it well at all. I became anxious and depressed, dropped the ball on my life and ended up losing my job and career.
 
Next, feeling tossed around like a rag doll, and feeling increasingly helpless I started reading, discovered PDs. It fit, traits of NPD/BPD/ASPD. Still, I held on, but tried to get some clarity. Did he want me or not? What could I expect going forwards? It was a battle and he wouldn’t give me straight answers, just more of the same only he now stopped short of completely ending it. I took over that role (!) and was often at the end of my rope.

Distrust, insecurity and fear were now firmly established. During our ‘breaks’ he’d dated others and I became suspicious and scared. He fuelled this. I turned into a spy! I was frightened, no trust and the anxiety was horrible. I found what I was looking for, texts arranging dates with others, activity on several dating sites. I shamefully admit to reading private correspondence between him and his last gf discovering that he’d overlapped us. He’d threatened to expose her for some legal matter. She threatened to call the police/his employer if he ever contacted her again. She said he had deep seated issues and needed to see a psychiatrist.

I still clung on (now makes me feel very angry at myself) wanting to believe his excuses and promises. Still chasing the good times and by now, I couldn’t bear the thought of any more losses. The idea that I’d thrown my life away and for what? I believe this thought kept me there, along with ever depleted self-esteem, futile hope, and denial.

But, I started to try to protect myself. Found a therapist. Tried to set some boundaries. If he raged I would leave. I was leaving every week. Still he’d persuade me to go back, but more and more I just drove on home crying and feeling broken. I became less and less tolerant of his outbursts, texts wars, devaluation and started to stay home. He began to accuse me of push/pulling him. I need to think about this as I have difficulty seeing my side of the push/pull.

He then pulled out the big guns and asked me to marry him. Unsurprisingly, his actions didn’t match his words. Enough was enough. I ended it, but put the record on again. He pursued me, wanted to reunite, only this time I hesitated, needed to think. It was incredibly sad and at times he was so desperate my heart ached for him. However, I became the sole source of our problems and was told if I wasn’t careful I would lose him forever. He would be forced to date other women. Starting to feel unbearable, destroyed.

Then, my beloved mother was diagnosed with cancer and I was devastated. He offered support and wanted to talk, was missing us, loved me. I held back, but feeling vulnerable and after much persuading on his part agreed, but when I suggested a time was told that he was having dinner with his ‘daughter’ or seeing his ‘uncle’. Of course he was   He’d got me to talk (pull) then sabotaged it (push). The realisation hit me strong and hard. All trust was gone. I was in incredible emotional danger here and needed to be strong for my mum. I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. That was all the information I needed.

Reflection. It felt like a war and I’m badly wounded. I handled it the only way I knew how. I cried, fought back, defended myself, tried to understand, tried to cope, but retreated and finally left. It crushed me and ruined my life. I clung on to someone not capable of having a secure, loving relationship. It feels like the most painful experience of my life, but I wonder. Back to my original post did his behaviour trigger my abandonment fears? I now have no doubt it did. How could it not? I remember feeling sick, anxious, fearful, wanting him to come back. Maybe this is how I felt as a five year old whose beloved dad had just left her. Maybe I clung on hoping to right the wrongs of the past. Add to this the insidious devaluation and rages leading to devastating loss of self-esteem on perhaps an already fragile sense of self-worth. It’s no wonder I’m so depressed, but at least I’m still fighting. I can’t quite get up yet, but I will.

[Herodias]

My father left our family for someone else when I was five and apart from a couple of fleeting times I never saw him again. I remember my mum’s pain at the time and looking back it still makes me cry for her. I’ve been thinking that maybe I might have some sort of fear of abandonment because of this although I can’t see it being a problem in my previous relationships. However, my ex’s fondness for push/pull behaviour felt excruciating to me. One minute being the love of his life and the next his arch enemy. One minute wanting to be with me forever then telling me he hates me. It was the most painful experience of my life and I’m just wondering if this triggered some deep seated fear in me associated with my family. I hope it doesn’t mean I have BPD!

You are not BPD, maybe a bit co-dependant if you want a label. My Dad left when I was 18 and didn't see him much any more. I talk to him twice a year- Lately I make the effort to talk more often. My sisters and I all have issues with him. He had his own issues growing up and was an alcoholic. I told myself if I could just get the love from my dad that I was missing, I would feel better... .not so much. I told myself if I could just understand why I feel the way I do, I could feel better about relationships and abandonment... .not so much. I think it helps to know this about ourselves and there are therapists that will tell us to resolve the issues with the past and we can become better. But I think that being left alone after a breakup flat out hurts. These relationships with pwBPD are worse. Breaking up hurts... .fear of being single again and never finding someone we felt we were so in love with is the problem. If we were BPD we could just go find anyone, mirror them and pretend to be happy and all is well for awhile. We want more than that. We were in it for better or worse to our own detriment. We deserve better.

[Meili]

Thank you for your reply. I must have been hard, or at the very least, weird to write some of that. I hate it for you that he treated you that way. I have some experience with that myself (on both sides actually), so I know how maddening and painful it is.

I can see how you relate the experience to losing your father. As children, we learn to deal with or think about some things a specific way. Unknowingly, we can carry those things over into our adult worlds. We may not even know that they exist until something happens one day and then WHAM! we are struck by them. Suddenly something that should make sense no longer does and we find ourselves saying/doing things that in a rational state we wouldn't. It's just because we've never learned how to deal with that particular situation with our adult minds.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but my therapist has me imagine myself at the age of the traumatic experience. She has me pay attention to all of the details; the smells, what I'm wearing, how I look, what's going on around me, what I am feeling, every detail that I can pull back. Then, she has me take the little me and hug him. She has me do what I think that an adult should have done at the time to soothe the situations. It may sound silly, but each and every time that I've gone into an emotional meltdown, I've been able to hug and care for that little me. I've felt better each time.

I'm still working on the abandonment. Fears however. Little Meili is still terrified even when I'm holding him, so it isn't instantaneously foolproof, but it has helped.

Has your counselor had you do anything like this? If so, what were your results?