how to go no contact with BPD mom?

[BeARiver]

Hi Everyone,

Deep breaths. This is my first time posting to a group like this. Here's the back story... My mom has all the behaviors of someone with BPD and NPD. My therapist thinks she has both. I agree. I'm 46 and only now understanding why she has tormented me my whole life. I'm an only child that grew up with my mom and grandmother. My grandmother protected me from my mom as much as she could until she died when I was 14. After that, I was made to feel responsible for my mother and her happiness. I did everything for her. If I expressed my own wants and desires they were met with screams and rages and accusations of me being a horrible and ungrateful daughter. She had such control over me and the emotional abuse and manipulation was off the charts. I always knew she was wrong for acting like she did and I hated her for it. But I didn't understand it. I am beginning to understand now. I went no contact with her when I was 30. She blew up at me and raged in an endless email because I canceled dinner plans with her because I was sick. It went on and on about how horrid I was and how great a mother she was and then ended with "You aren't my daughter. I don't love you." Those words are burned into my brain. That was it. I cut her off for 12 years. I lived abroad ( got as far away from her as possible). But then 3 years ago, I moved back to the states. She's now elderly and the guilt started to rise that I wasn't there for her along with the hope that maybe things could be different this time. Maybe she'd be different. This is before I knew she had BPD and NPD. Now I have no hope that she will ever change. The first 2 years I was back she seemed to be trying to control herself. I found myself fall back into the role of caretaker. Mom, let me get you a maid, mom, let me take you to dinner once a week, etc. Not everything was just my idea of course. She has her ways of manipulating me into getting what she wants. This past year (year #3 of being back) she has felt more secure with our relationship and she is back to being a full blown nutcase. Sorry to use that word, but the one I wanted to use was much worse. She insults my boyfriend in an underhanded way even though she says she loves him. She even insults his son (who is 5 and a sweetheart) because she is so threatened and jealous of anyone else that I'm close to and she sees them as taking me away from her. We had a recent blow up over me not returning her phone call the same day. It was an endless rage and rant about how awful I was, heeps of guilt "One day you'll call and I'll be dead" and craziness. She also ignored my calls for 3 days so I would "see how it feels". This is a 78 year old woman! I calmly wrote her that it was time for me to seek professional help to see if we could have a healthy relationship. Of course she saw that as a threat and the attack emails went on until she said "Maybe we can't have a healthy relationship. There's too much bad blood there." Fine with me! I started seeing a therapist who has helped immensely in validating my experiences with her. I have never really opened up to anyone about her because of society's enduring love and idolization of mothers. I now have blocked my mother's number and am considering flagging her emails as junk mail. I am DONE. I feel like I gave her a solid second chance. I feel sick when I'm around her, my stomach drops when she calls and I have to have a drink or an edible before I see her just to be able to be in her presence. I have so much stored trauma in my body. I hate her. She destroyed any natural love I had for her by emotionally abusing me my whole life. She fell on the floor and threatened to kill herself screaming at the top of her lungs when I said I needed to move out from her house when I was 24! She had told me that I couldn't make it out there in the world without her, so I needed to always live with her. I am SO sick of being the one that tries to make this work. I am SO resentful that it always falls on MY shoulders to be the grown up and rise above her B.S. I feel so strongly about this. I KNOW how I feel and yet I am riddled with deeply ingrained guilt which just pisses me off even more! Obviously, I need to work through my anger with my therapist. My question to all of you is - what is the best way to go no contact? Just block her? Write a non emotional email explaining that we can never have a healthy relationship? Or do I tell her what she has? I'm sure she will never accept it, but should I do it anyway? I feel the need to express everything to her (finally) and yet, it may cause her to have a dangerous emotional reaction, which I don't want. I really want the most peaceful, permanent way of doing this.Thanks so much for reading my rant. It is so helpful to finally know that there are others dealing with this. I wish I had known years ago.

[Methuen]

Hi BeARiver  

Oh my goodness.  Yes this has been a lot of craziness - so much drama.  You have a family here BeARiver.  We get it - all the drama you have described - we get it all.    

Thanks for sharing your story.  It helps us to understand you better, and be supportive.  I'm sorry you have had to suffer all this emotional pain.  

I wish I had known years ago.

I hear you.  Communication skills, healthy relationship skills, and mental health facts are life skills that I think would be useful skills to teach in a rudimentary way in the schools.  At least alert young people to potential yellow flags, and resources that are available if problems ever arise, so that it doesn't take a lifetime to find them.  I found this site last summer and I'm 57, and also an only child, with an elderly BPD mom (lives 10 min away from me).

It went on and on about how horrid I was and how great a mother she was and then ended with "You aren't my daughter. I don't love you."

Yep.  Sounds familiar.  It's the disease doing the talking when she says stuff like that.  BPD's feel a deep sense of worthlessness, and fear abandonment, and when you cancelled dinner because you were sick, that probably triggered her sense of worthlessness, and she struck back with those raging destructive words, which then ironically causes us non's to want to go NC.  Typical BPD - they behave in a way that causes the abandonment they fear so much - the behavior is all based on their emotional dysregulation, and is completely irrational and abusive to a healthy person.

She's now elderly and the guilt started to rise that I wasn't there for her along with the hope that maybe things could be different this time. Maybe she'd be different. This is before I knew she had BPD and NPD.

Of course you had hope things could be different.  This is a totally normal hope for anyone to have.  BPD is a terrible disease because it destroys the potential to have a healthy relationship.  
 

It was an endless rage and rant about how awful I was, heeps of guilt "One day you'll call and I'll be dead" and craziness.

Ick.  My mom has said this stuff too.  It feels aweful because it's such an emotional betrayal of what a mother is supposed to say.

There's too much bad blood there."

Holy these are my mom's exact words.  What's with that?

I feel sick when I'm around her, my stomach drops when she calls

This is a big red flag. NC will be helpful to get back to a baseline from this feeling.

She fell on the floor and threatened to kill herself screaming at the top of her lungs when I said I needed to move out from her house when I was 24! She had told me that I couldn't make it out there in the world without her, so I needed to always live with her.

So this is the disease again.  It's called projection when she accuses you of what she is fearing or feeling herself (in this case that she can't survive in the world without someone to hang onto), but because she's in denial, she rages these fears on you.  It's irrational, and destructive, but it's the scared damaged little child in her.

what is the best way to go no contact? Just block her? Write a non emotional email explaining that we can never have a healthy relationship?

I wouldn't do this.  Right now it would probably be hard to be non-emotional about it.  I would keep it short and simple - don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) anything.  

Eg.  "I'm unwell right now mom.  I need some time to look after my own health, and I need to do this by myself.  I will be in touch when I am healthy enough to contact you again."

Everything there is the truth.  And it sets a boundary.  It tells her to leave you alone, and you will contact her when you are ready.  And it's non-emotional.
Once you tell her that, you can block her.  She will try to draw you in to drama.  Ignore the text, or if on the phone say "I have to go now mom, good-bye" and hang up.  Don't let yourself get drawn into JADEing.  It will end badly.

Or do I tell her what she has?

No.  This will go worse than badly.

I feel the need to express everything to her (finally) and yet, it may cause her to have a dangerous emotional reaction, which I don't want.

I would resist this urge to express everything to her.  Nothing good can come of it.  More harm will be done.  Better to express it here, and with your T, where something good can come of it.

I really want the most peaceful, permanent way of doing this.

Awesome.  This is the route I took too.  It's do-able.  Be patient and kind to yourself.  Time for you to take care of yourself.  

We're here for you

[BeARiver]

Methuen, thank you so much for your support and everything that you said. It helps so much, as I'm sure you know. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow night. I got an email from my mom last night. It was all emotional manipulation to get me back. Of course she took zero responsibility and told me that I was the one who over reacted. I was physically sick all night from just reading it. I had to do breath work to calm down. I hate that she has so much power over me, even just from an email! I really appreciate everything that you said and it helps so much to know that I have support out here and am not alone. I really like your advice on how to word the email to her. Make it about me and my health. But should I say that I'll contact her when I'm ready even if I don't want any contact with her in the future? Is it ok to leave it open like that but then block her? Can you share your process of how you did it?

[kma79]

BeARiver- I relate to so so so much of what you are going through. I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this with your mom. I am going through something so similar right now. I’m just starting to see a counselor for the first time in my life and have decided to go NC with my mom who very likely has BPD and NPD. She does the same threats if I don’t respond how she wants. She threatened to kill herself if I didn’t visit her on Thanksgiving without my husband and kids. She had a nervous breakdown because I moved to a different state. She actually blamed me for it since I “abandoned her.” At a different time, she told me I was disgusting and said “I divorce you as my daughter.” This was because we had my in-laws coming for a visit(I think?). She wonders why I don’t invite her to visit anymore, but when I have in the past, she will say things like “everyone looked good but you.” After I spent the day making Thanksgiving dinner for her. She also does the guilt trips like “someday you’ll miss me.” No amount of love or attention seems to please them. Just like you said, I feel that stomach drop feeling every time I see a text or call on my phone. I feel for you so much! I hope things start to get easier for you soon. It’s comforting to know that we aren’t alone in this.

[Imatter33]

Hi Beariver, (love your name)

I think Methuen gave some totaly awesome advice already but I wanted to share my story, or a tidbit of it that may help.

Make it about me and my health. But should I say that I'll contact her when I'm ready even if I don't want any contact with her in the future? Is it ok to leave it open like that but then block her? Can you share your process of how you did it?

Everyone that goes NC (no contact) may arrive there a little bit differently, but I have been on this board a while now and I think it almost always boils down to some form of communication breaking down, and leaving the non-BPD (you) feeling sick and tired of the same old same old. I have learned that in going NC it breaks the status-quo of how things have "always" gone in your family system. I read that this is not your first time going NC but that you did it for 12 years right?

My story was that my mom and I were texting like normal and I communicated a boundary that she pushed back on. My baby was 3 weeks old, and when she stated some mean things in text to me, I was wiped out! I had a light bulb go off in my head that I deserved respect.

The exact wording of "I'll be in contact again when I feel like it" was not used but implied...and its been almost a year and there is still NC. I then blocked her number, took her off of fb and we do not email.
 
So it is entirely okay to block her, because this is your time and your life, and we all support your chance to get your own needs met.

[BeARiver]

Hi Kma79,

Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through this too! It sounds like we are very much in the same boat.Thank you so much for your support and sharing your story. It really does help so much to know that we are not alone in this. Have you gone NC yet? I feel that's the only way for me too. I just can't take the toxicity any more. And why do they get to keep treating us like this, disrupting our lives and making us sick? Giving birth to us doesn't give them a pass to torture us our whole lives, right? But ugh, the guilt. Thank god for therapy. Your mom sounds horribly destructive and mean. Why are they SO mean? I started calling it Asshole Disorder. Interesting what your mom said about divorcing you when your in laws were about to visit. Mine is jealous of my boyfriend's parents as well. Anyone that she thinks may take my attention away from her. It's so sick. Are you starting to delve into how growing up with her has affected your overall personality? I was horribly shy as a kid. BEYOND normal shyness. I now know that it was because I was afraid of people because of her. I thought anyone could lash out in a rage over nothing. We survived though! I think we have to constantly remind ourselves that we are not responsible for them. They were responsible for us and they failed. We owe them nothing. They are adults and can take care of themselves just like we need to take care of ourselves. Sending you lots of support!

[kma79]

BeARiver- Yes, I just started NC. I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, so I started seeing a therapist really recently and she advised NC. It’s only been a few days of NC so far. On Sunday I didn’t return her call within a few minutes, so she texted that she would call the police to come to my house (since we live in different states). She didn’t end up doing that, but she has called other family members to see if they will tell me to call her. She has been abusive to all of my extended family, so they aren’t close with her either. I agree with you that we should keep reminding ourselves that we aren’t responsible for them. We need to be good to ourselves. I’m 43, and I don’t want the rest of my life to be so full of guilt and abuse. It starts affecting our health if we are in a constant state of anxiety. I’ve definitely been thinking about how this has affected me growing up, like you were saying. I was also extremely shy. I was afraid of speaking up for myself, and if I did, my mom would make me regret it. She wouldn’t keep any secrets I told her. I couldn’t trust her. She hated all of my and my brothers friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and let them know it. Sorry for rambling on. It feels good to vent about all this. I wish you the best with however you go forward. I’m so glad to have heard your story too. We are definitely not alone going through this.

[BeARiver]

Imatter33, Thank you so much for sharing. Wow. It just blows me away to hear all these stories. I feel for you. Good for you for going NC. It helps to hear that others have done it. And it makes me feel better about blocking her too. We have to protect ourselves and you're right - it is our time and our lives! I love your name too! You DO matter!

Kma79, Wow. She called your whole family to hunt you down and have you call her? It's amazing what they do when they feel they are losing control. My mom has alienated her extended family too. And all of her friends. Even the neighbors! Not surprising that you were shy too. We were taught to keep our mouths shut. So sickening. My mom hated all of my friends too. She badmouthed all of them. They'd call and leave a message with her and she wouldn't tell me. She'd flirt with my boyfriends and coo over them cuz she's also a narcissist. But then she'd tell me they were losers. Vent away! We all need to get this stuff out to people who actually understand! I'm 46! Another similarity. Like Imatter33 said, it's OUR TIME and OUR LIVES! Time to stop worrying about these toxic people and focusing our energy on our healthy, loving relationships. I love this forum!

[Turkish]

BAR,

Has your therapist brought up this concept?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

What do you think?

Over 30 years since I moved out, thinking " this, I'm done,"  I still think maybe, no, kind of? I'm the single child of a single mother. 

My mom was more the acting inward type,  rather than overly guilting as your mother sounds, and my mom found others in her life to engage with in drama, themselves dramatic.  

[BeARiver]

Hi Turkish,

Oh yah, the emotional incest was full blown with my mom. I had to parent her and be her emotional support. She confided WAY too much in me (sexual stuff too - gross) and made me feel completely responsible for her emotional well being and happiness. Mine didn't matter. It was always all about her. I'm an only child too. I haven't gotten to the emotional incest yet with my T. We are just getting started. Soo much to cover. Have you been NC for 30 years? I wish I hadn't connected with my mom again after 12 years of NC. I should have left it alone. It isn't worth the reconnect. Especially when you know they are BPD cuz they CANNOT and WILL NOT ever change. Cuz it's never their fault. It will always be our fault in their twisted minds. Try not to question yourself. I'm sure you made the right choice.

[Turkish]

Low to medium contact since 1989. I still called her when I lived out of state in the late 90s. She found other "project people" to focus upon in the interim.  After I moved back in 2000, that included a transient family who tried to get her property. My mom told me she might legally adopt a 30 year old mother. They validated her. She reached out to me to evict them from her 5 acres eventually.

I moved her into my house in the city in 2017. That lasted maybe 5 months until she started making false accusations of elder abuse demanding to be taken back to her to her filthy hoard, threatening me with a lawyer. I was investigated by APS for stealing her money.  She accused my little kids of stealing from her. No way. I'm done. You don't target my pups!

She called the sheriff on me after I took her back. I was acquitted of that and also by APS after they went to her bank to investigate my supposed theft of her money. 

Members here have been so supportive, helping me deal with my guilt for abandoning my mother, yet I needed to do it. To protect myself and my kids.

[PeaceMom]

Turkish,
I had to hop in here and just comment on how incredibly hurtful this sounds. You’ve always been so kind and compassionate on this website. I’m so sorry for this abuse. I was talking w/T yesterday about the book “Why Zebras don’t get ulcers” describing how they immediately return to baseline once the lion threat is over. I asked why we don’t return to baseline so quickly and remain hyper vigilant (which obviously causes illness). She said it bc we don’t fully believe we can protect ourselves. That’s the piece I’m looking for (trickier when your abusive LION pwBPD is your kid who lives w/you 24/7). You’re example of protecting yourself and your kids from your LION are spot on! Very empowering to me. Thanks for sharing

[Turkish]

Thanks for the kind words PeaceMom. I can take a lot, I did,  but a line is crossed when minors get targeted.

BeARiver,

It sounds like you were also forced into a role of Parentification, where a child is forced into the role of Parenting... Or I suppose these days we would say "Adulting" for a parent.  I think my experience leaned more towards this rather than EI as such (my internal jury is still out on the latter).

A latchkey kid, I was also responsible for waking my mom to go to work.  She'd get angry if I didn't. By 8, I realized that she didn't respond to "Mom!" So I started waking her by calling her by her first name.  That got a response. Good thing I could take care of myself. I was a kid who played with matches, too. Good thing I didn't accidentally burn down the house...

By 13-14, I was taught to drive, living in a rural area. I drove my mom at night over a hour to work in the valley for her night shift. Repeatedly I was tasked to do this. One night, I looked over to make sure she was asleep, and kicked up the Ford Fiesta to 90mph on the deserted expressway. It could go no faster. My mom drove back the next morning. Less than a week later, the engine was blown.  Ford should have put a rev limiter on that peppy engine.  That's what happens when children are unleashed.

Those times were dangerous, but as a teenager, they were truthfully awesome.  Well, those parts at least. As a parent now, I'm horrified. 

[lakeaffect]

I am new to this site and am just learning about being the child of a BPD.  I am reading this thread with amazement at how similar all our stories are.  You can truly be made to believe that you are the problem and are ungrateful and unloving.

One of the most difficult parts of all this is that other people don't really believe you, or insist you are exaggerating.  My own friends have told me I need to love her while she's here and forgive transgressions.  They don't understand how toxic and hurtful she is, and that the hurtful behavior is not only in the past but happening every time we interact. 

I have felt a knot in my stomach and general sense of anxiety since our conflict five days ago.  It sounds like this is normal too, along with my guilt over the whole mess.

[Methuen]

BeARiver

Eg.  "I'm unwell right now mom.  I need some time to look after my own health, and I need to do this by myself.  I will be in touch when I am healthy enough to contact you again."

Everything there is the truth.  And it sets a boundary.  It tells her to leave you alone, and you will contact her when you are ready.  And it's non-emotional.
Once you tell her that, you can block her.  She will try to draw you in to drama.  Ignore the text, or if on the phone say "I have to go now mom, good-bye" and hang up.  Don't let yourself get drawn into JADEing.  It will end badly.

But should I say that I'll contact her when I'm ready even if I don't want any contact with her in the future? Is it ok to leave it open like that but then block her?

Well I crafted the sentence "I will be in touch when I am healthy enough to contact you again" so that she leaves you alone when you text/phone or have this conversation in person.  If you don't give her something like that, she's probably going to cling to you and escalate towards conflict, because she's going to be terrified of being abandoned.  But if you re-read the sentence, it doesn't say you will contact her, it says you will contact her when you are healthy enough to do so.  If you never feel emotionally safe enough to contact her again, then you aren't obligated to, because you're not healthy enough.  The sentence is still truthful.  It leaves the door open for you to do what is best for you, without closing it to her so that she snaps another BPD rage at you.  Does that make sense?

 

I got an email from my mom last night. It was all emotional manipulation to get me back. Of course she took zero responsibility and told me that I was the one who over reacted. I was physically sick all night from just reading it. I had to do breath work to calm down.

Zero responsibility is the disease.  It's her survival defense mechanism to not take responsibility.  When I accepted that my mom would never accept any responsibility or ever apologize for anything (i.e. radical acceptance), and stopped expecting these things from my from my mother, I felt more at peace.  I  have no expectations of my mother any more.  I just decided it was a waste to keep wanting what I was never gonna have.  It was my way of resolving the dilemma.  But I wasn't able to do that until I hit my bottom.  I was 57 when that happened, and yes it was after another crazy conflict of her making.

Breath work is a great strategy BeARiver.  I've learned that one too.  It works.  I sometimes do it with a few simple yoga stretches to give me something active to focus and do while I'm breathing, which has a side benefit for my aging body.  But different people will have different strategies.  The important thing is to find what works for you.

When you say you were physically sick all night, I can relate.  I've spent chunks of my life the last 15 years like that, and for me, night-time is the worst.  I've got a great meditation app that I use now to get back to baseline.  It was recommended by my T.  I really find it helpful to keep my emotions and thought processes in check.

Cheering you on to take back your life!