Long-time lurker sharing his story.

[Quintessence]

  Hi. I will try and keep it short. I'm a 30 year old male. I was with a girl for six years (she is 28), but I did not know that she had BPD. Hell, I did not know about BPD at all, let alone that she had it. Red flags were there, I admit, but I interpreted them differently due to lack of experience and being in love. Out of the blue, close to the end of the sixth year, I was dumped like I meant nothing, even though I had built my ex from the ground up, so to speak. I was given several excuses for the BU - lack of compatibility, smothering her etc. I was her longest relationship by far. All the others, save for one, were shorter than one year.

 Within a week I was replaced by someone who had been kept on the side. The replacement was nothing like me; he was a local criminal and a drug dealer. However, this new relationship was very short-lived. My ex dumped the replacement after a month, then proceeded to block me on facebook out of the blue, after months of no contact! As for the dumped replacement, very soon he had a serious car crash.

 Three months into the BU, while trying to make sense of it all, I came across BPD and EVERYTHING that did not make sense during the relationship finally started to make sense. And I do mean EVERYTHING. My ex is undiagnosed as far as I know, but I firmly believe she has BPD (probably with some NPD thrown into the mix). I could list all the reasons why I believe she has BPD, but for the sake of keeping it short I won't.  

 Nine months have gone by since the breakup. During the first five months I was subjected to blocking and unblocking on facebook (blocked three times and unblocked three times by her), even though I did not try to contact her or harass her in any way. I chose not to react to these blocks, but they did hurt me and shocked me (at that time I did not know about BPD). Close to the end of the fifth month I was permanently blocked and the block remains till this very day.

 Why am I writing all this? What do I hope to gain from posting this? Well, I've been lurking on this forum for a very long time and I thought I could repay it by posting my story. That way I could add my story to the collective knowledge of this place and help someone else. Also, today I saw a photo of my ex's male friend wearing a similar type of ring she gave me during the first year of our relationship. The design of the ring is very similar to the one I got from her. This made me think they might be together and hurt me a lot. I think there's a good chance they are. I should not have stalked the friend's profile, I should have stayed away, but it's too late now - the damage has been done. I did block all of her friends after seeing that ring (I could not block her though, as she already has me blocked, remember).

I'm still trying to claw my way out of this bog. Nine months have gone by since the breakup but I am still stuck. At times I ask myself 'who am I'. At times I dwell on those wasted years. At times I love her, hate her, and pity her. At times I can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe BPD is real.

Thank you for reading. Hopefully I will find enough strength to stop being a lurker and give something back to this place that has been so good to me.

Q.            

[iluminati]

First of all, don't sweat it.  Thursday was my 6th anniversary on this site, two days after I was told my now ex-wife's diagnosis during a psychiatric hospitalization.  (I would have done it the day I learned, but the site was down for maintenance.)  As I've evolved from someone married to a person with BPD to someone who has since gotten a divorce and moved on with my life, I've appreciated the support while I made the effort to make my marriage work to living life as a single man. 

I'm glad you're grateful for the resource, and I make the point to give back every so often.  Glad that you like it too.

[Quintessence]

Thanks for sharing your experience. You seem to be on the right path. I hope to be there too, one of these days.

[Mutt]

Hi Quintessence,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. I'd like to join illuminati and welcome you, thank you for deciding to join the discussion after being a long time lurker.

Don't be hard on yourself. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose but we can look at traits of the borderline personality type.  BPD is an invisible disorder, a pwBPD cannot maintain a adult emotional intimacy in a relationship, intimacy triggers the disorder. Personality disorders are a specialized sector in psychiatry, how are we suppose to know? That said.

Our members can relate with feeling bogged down. It helps to talk with people that can relate with you. Are you taking yourself in the last 9 months? Are you seeing a T ( therapist ) ?  How is your support network with family and friends?

[Quintessence]

Hi Mutt. Thanks for welcoming me.

I envy those on this forum who discovered they were with a BPD person while in a relationship with them. I myself discovered it much later, when it was too late. Not having known myself, I could not understand her constant push pull behavior during the relationship and thought she was just not into me, only for her to go from severe push to hard pull and prove to me otherwise. This hot/cold behavior messed me up. I always thought I was not good enough. This torture went on for years – with me trying my best to be a better person, thinking things would change.

As for your questions regarding my recovery, I am doing everything in my power to get better. In the past nine months I’ve moved into a new apartment – became independent. I started a new job. I even went to a few trips abroad (alone). I keep going out to concerts (alone); I go to the gym and try to stay active; I go out from time to time; I go to the movies. So you might say I’m taking care of myself. However, many of the things that were ME before I met my ex are still dormant – the hobbies I had, reading books, watching movies and TV shows. I still love these things, but my heart is not in it. Needless to say, the triggers are everywhere. This does not help, either.

As for friends, I have very few of those. This is why the breakup hurts so much – she was my closest friend, and for a time I was her closest too, until she replaced me in that department. Since I don’t have a lot of friends, my support group is my weakest point. My family is there for me, to be sure, but they can only do so much. I miss having friends.

Finally, you asked me about therapy. I don’t go to a therapist. My family spent a lot of money on therapy two years ago while trying to save my brother from another very serious mental illness. We spent years in therapy. Although the end result was positive, after that financial endeavor I simply refuse to burden my family with a new one (I myself cannot afford a therapist on my salary).

[once removed]

hey Quintessence and

im glad you reached out to us for support. please dont feel obligated to give something back - we are here to support you  .

i think a lot of members arrive here with a heavy sense of isolation. these relationships can be intense and volatile, and take up huge portions of our lives, and when they end, often suddenly, it feels very difficult to rebuild.

from one member to another, i felt pretty isolated myself, and my relationship ended similarly, although mine was only three years. i certainly wasnt healed at nine months; i wouldnt expect you to be. it is good to see that youre taking steps to take care of yourself, thats a good chunk of the battle. as far as your heart not being in it with your hobbies, do you think youre experiencing depression?

Depression: Stop being tortured by your own thoughts 

[Mutt]

I envy those on this forum who discovered they were with a BPD person while in a relationship with them.

I'm sorry that it hurts. once removed gave you a good link on depression.  You don't have the means to get a T. Have you talked to your GP about feeling low?

You suffered a loss. What do you mean by envy? Do you mean that if you had known about BPD maybe you would of had a chance to save the r/s?

[WoundedBibi]

I envy those on this forum who discovered they were with a BPD person while in a relationship with them. I myself discovered it much later, when it was too late. Not having known myself, I could not understand her constant push pull behavior during the relationship

As you, Quintessence, I didn't know my ex could have BPD (as far as I know he is undiagnosed) during the relationship. Would I have wanted to know about it if someone would have asked me "listen, there is something wrong with your bf's mental state, do you want to know what it is?"? Yes. Because like you (I'm filling in here) back then I would have thought knowing about it would have made a difference. But it wouldn't have. Not really.

Knowing about it, I could have adjusted my responses and triggered him less. BUT, giving better responses to whatever he said or did would not have changed that he has a disorder.

Giving 'better responses' to specific behaviour probably would only have provoked other BPD behaviour. Because a BPD still needs to alleviate their anxiety, their primal fear. If you 'block' them from getting rid off it via road A they will probably just choose another road. The other road can be different behaviour or a different person.

Remember that anything can be a trigger for their fear. A look, a word, just your presence, or the fact you are in their life. The closer you get the bigger of a trigger you are.

Trying to avoid being their trigger, you would have to be an emotional contortionist. Bending in whatever way you think would prevent a trigger. So you can never be you. You have to walk on eggshells ALL the time. You cannot come home tired or meet up slightly stressed about something or have something else on your mind, because you would not be focused enough to avoid saying the wrong thing, making a wrong gesture, breathing in the wrong way.

Knowing about BPD at the beginning can make the relationship last longer, but IMO cannot make it last. And the longer the relationship lasts the bigger the damage to your psyche.

You couldn't save her. With or without BPD knowledge. You still can't.

Even if you would have known, that doesn't mean you could have convinced her to get help. People get help because they want to, not because you want them to.

We have all tried to be emotional contortionists with our BPDs. Adjusting our ways to what we thought they wanted or needed, or just to avoid their anger. It doesn't make a difference for their disorder in the end; it is still there.

It has made a difference for us. We have lost ourselves and having tried to bend in every direction we could possibly think of we have made 'our bones and muscles' hurt in ways we didn't thought were possible.

[Quintessence]

  Once Removed, thanks for responding and for sharing your story with me. I’ve read many of your posts while in my ’lurker’ phase and found them very helpful. What you just said, about not expecting me to be healed in nine months, brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Most people around me can’t understand how I can still be suffering after nine months, so I often feel under pressure to get better. I know they wish me well and can’t stand to see me suffer, but if I could flip a switch and make it all better, I would do it in a heartbeat.

  As for your question about depression, yes, I think I’m experiencing depression. The link to the text you posted was helpful; the text only confirms my suspicions. I think the roots of this depression go back to the relationship itself (the push pull behaviour was so damaging, slowly eroding my self-esteem, consuming most of my thoughts and leaving little room for the person that had once been Me). Now, with the relationship over, I get up and for a time I accomplish what I set out to do (chores, working out), but then I stumble and find myself back on my knees. It’s funny, I recall a time before my ex when I had even fewer friends than I do now, but I remember it being a time of great accomplishments, a time of inner peace and overall content. There were no great highs like during my relationship, but no great lows either. Just this peace and content – me immersed in books, hobbies, daily activities. Now it’s chaos all around. My emotions go up and down. I spiral into anger, rage, sorrow, longing – all wrapped in a veil of disbelief.

  Mutt, I rarely go to my GP. I don’t even have one (on a regular basis). The public health system in my country is not very good. Everything we did regarding my brother’s recovery, we did via the private sector. Once more it comes down to money, I guess.

  Mutt, WoundedBibi, when I said I envy those who discovered during their relationship that their partner had BPD, I did not say it thinking I could have saved my relationship. I said it because I’m sure that my ex’s actions would not have hurt me so much had I known their true origin. Since I didn’t know about her disorder, I spent five years thinking I was not enough. I was made to think something was wrong with me. I was made to think I was not enough. Had I known about BPD back then, I would have suffered less and the damage might not have been so severe. I know this because, like I’ve said, parallel to the toxic relationship I had to deal with my brother who suffered from another mental illness. Contrary to my relationship and my ex’s weird behaviour, my brother’s destructive behaviour hurt me far less once I learned that his abusive actions were grounded in his disorder. Even today, when he does something disorderly, I know not to take it to heart.     

[iluminati]

I envy those on this forum who discovered they were with a BPD person while in a relationship with them. I myself discovered it much later, when it was too late.

Even having a diagnosis in hand and discovering this site is no guarantee.  The boundaries I threw up created a reaction that no longer made the relationship tenable.  My ex wife couldn't deal with a relationship where she had to respect someone else's needs, so she went and found someone else more amenable to her demands.  Along with her resistance to treatment (her stance could be broadly stated as believing she wasn't that bad and a misplaced loyalty to her family of origin), that ended the relationship.  Still, I was able to rebuild and move on.

Regarding therapy, are you close to any teaching hospitals?  They're often willing to work with you financially, as they have to train their own clinicians.  They have sliding scale programs for therapy that are regularly used.

[Mutt]

  I know this because, like I’ve said, parallel to the toxic relationship I had to deal with my brother who suffered from another mental illness. Contrary to my relationship and my ex’s weird behaviour, my brother’s destructive behaviour hurt me far less once I learned that his abusive actions were grounded in his disorder. Even today, when he does something disorderly, I know not to take it to heart. 

A relationship with a family member is different than a romantic relationship. Hang in there.

[steelwork]

My family spent a lot of money on therapy two years ago while trying to save my brother from another very serious mental illness. We spent years in therapy. Although the end result was positive, after that financial endeavor I simply refuse to burden my family with a new one (I myself cannot afford a therapist on my salary).

Quintessence and everyone else, here's a public service announcement about affordable mental health care.

If you live anywhere near a major hospital or university, see if you can find a postdoctoral training program for therapists. They usually have sliding scale prices (as low as $10) and take medicaid (free). The therapists are already credentialed and are getting additional training. That means they are 1. vetted, because these are competitive fellowships; 2. supervised by experienced training therapists. Also, these programs tend to provide coordinated care with prescribing psychiatrists, psychological testing services, and opportunities for group therapy.

The therapist I'm seeing now is the best therapist (for me) I've had, and there have been many. And it's free. I availed myself of a similar program years ago when I lived in a different city, and that one was great as well.

[once removed]

What you just said, about not expecting me to be healed in nine months, brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Most people around me can’t understand how I can still be suffering after nine months, so I often feel under pressure to get better. I know they wish me well and can’t stand to see me suffer, but if I could flip a switch and make it all better, I would do it in a heartbeat.

i can almost assure you that they do mean well. i explained BPD to those closest to me (who were pretty familiar with the dynamics of my relationship anyway). i felt like they understood as much as i needed them to, but when for example, id say "i miss her" i might hear something like "i think you miss the idea of her/the companionship/whatever". though well intentioned, folks can say some pretty invalidating stuff. we do feel pressure to get better, and we pressure ourselves, and it only really serves to invalidate ourselves. grieve. youre entitled to heal at your own pace and healing is not linear. when i understood that, a big load was lifted. folks here do understand  .

As for your question about depression, yes, I think I’m experiencing depression. The link to the text you posted was helpful; the text only confirms my suspicions. I think the roots of this depression go back to the relationship itself (the push pull behaviour was so damaging, slowly eroding my self-esteem, consuming most of my thoughts and leaving little room for the person that had once been Me). Now, with the relationship over, I get up and for a time I accomplish what I set out to do (chores, working out), but then I stumble and find myself back on my knees. It’s funny, I recall a time before my ex when I had even fewer friends than I do now, but I remember it being a time of great accomplishments, a time of inner peace and overall content. There were no great highs like during my relationship, but no great lows either. Just this peace and content – me immersed in books, hobbies, daily activities. Now it’s chaos all around. My emotions go up and down. I spiral into anger, rage, sorrow, longing – all wrapped in a veil of disbelief.

"normalcy" is a funny thing. i was at a similar place when i went for my ex. few friends, but making some strides in my life and overall content. i think unknown to me, the chaos of my relationship was actually quite appealing to fill a void i wasnt really aware of. can you relate? on the other hand, i remember after the breakup, suggesting to my mother that i feared a future of empty normalcy. as i said, these relationships can occupy so much of our time and thought, we invest, often times, more than we have to give. when they end, not only is it hard to rebuild, but even while rebuilding, it can feel very empty, like life has lost its meaning. i think thats normal, and i dont think it lasts forever. we have to build on the routine we create and fill our lives with meaning again - theres an element of rewiring to it all really. the good news is youre taking great steps and you can have a fulfilling life; dont put too much pressure on yourself to feel it, its not something we can force. but i will bet that if you look back over the past nine months, you can point to some progress. a lot of healing looks that way - retrospect.

Mutt, I rarely go to my GP. I don’t even have one (on a regular basis). The public health system in my country is not very good. Everything we did regarding my brother’s recovery, we did via the private sector. Once more it comes down to money, I guess.

i dont know your country or their public healthy system but it might be worth a visit. i only had to make one. there are lots of things we can do to alleviate depression though. hows your sleep schedule?

 Mutt, WoundedBibi, when I said I envy those who discovered during their relationship that their partner had BPD, I did not say it thinking I could have saved my relationship. I said it because I’m sure that my ex’s actions would not have hurt me so much had I known their true origin. Since I didn’t know about her disorder, I spent five years thinking I was not enough. I was made to think something was wrong with me. I was made to think I was not enough. Had I known about BPD back then, I would have suffered less and the damage might not have been so severe. I know this because, like I’ve said, parallel to the toxic relationship I had to deal with my brother who suffered from another mental illness. Contrary to my relationship and my ex’s weird behaviour, my brother’s destructive behaviour hurt me far less once I learned that his abusive actions were grounded in his disorder. Even today, when he does something disorderly, I know not to take it to heart.      

i understand the feeling. my ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and i would pretty much chalk any "off" behavior to that, and didnt take the rages personally. i think it made a difference during the relationship, but not much in terms of how devastated i was by the breakup. the good news is you do have that knowledge now. has it made a difference with your healing?

[Quintessence]

The advice about teaching hospitals is good. Thank you. I’ll make sure to look into that and see what I can find.

  Once removed, I think I can relate to what you’re saying about chaos being used to fill the void. In those troubled years it seems like one chaos substituted another, thus consuming the whole of me and leaving no room for anything else. Prior to that I was a very accomplished individual, and my accomplishments left no room for a void in me. But then chaos came and became my life. Now, when the source of that chaos is gone, I do feel sometimes like life has lost its meaning. I’ve never had a normal relationship (introvert), so the desire to have one is strong.   

  My sleeping regime is mostly ok, though I’ve had days when I sleep way too much, especially during the day. I attribute this to depression. 

  Knowledge about BPD helped with my healing, yes. At times I wish I could plant that knowledge into my ex as I’m sure she does not know about BPD. I did something similar with my disordered brother; he would not accept what I was telling him about his disorder, but I do believe that by bringing his attention to it, I had planted a seed that bore fruit later on and was crucial in his recovery. My ex knows something is wrong with her but does not seem to know what, she said that much to me. However, sweeping it under the carpet seems more preferable than facing the demon. I don't think I'll ever get a chance to plant that seed. It is not something that makes me lose my sleep. It's just something that I sometimes think about.

  I'm ashamed to admit, at the moment I'm still struggling with the photo of her male friend wearing a similar ring to the one she gave me. Why do I obsess over it? I mean, I KNOW what people with BPD are like. I know they cannot be alone. Even before seeing that pic I kept telling myself that she's probably with someone, but seeing the face of that someone made it all too real. Now I can’t erase that photo from my mind. This kept me awake all night last night. I know it’s a stupid thing to bring to this board, but at the moment it’s really my problem, so I needed to share it. I just wish to process it and digest it, but it’s resisting. 

[once removed]

I’ve never had a normal relationship (introvert), so the desire to have one is strong.

 

same here! i think a lot of that informed my decision making - what i was attracted to, why, how, my ideas of reference of relationships and how they should be. by that point, in a lot of ways, the relationship with my ex seemed a lot more normal in comparison. having someone so dependent on me felt like a more secure and close bond. perhaps you can relate. have you had a chance to read our article on healthy relationships? you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

  I'm ashamed to admit, at the moment I'm still struggling with the photo of her male friend wearing a similar ring to the one she gave me. Why do I obsess over it? I mean, I KNOW what people with BPD are like. I know they cannot be alone. Even before seeing that pic I kept telling myself that she's probably with someone, but seeing the face of that someone made it all too real. Now I can’t erase that photo from my mind. This kept me awake all night last night. I know it’s a stupid thing to bring to this board, but at the moment it’s really my problem, so I needed to share it. I just wish to process it and digest it, but it’s resisting. 

 

i dont think its shameful or stupid to bring it to this board - its a pretty common topic actually. for a while i had a hard time resisting looking, and it hurt every time. the short answer is that you obsess over it because it triggered you. and it didnt just trigger you, it reopened your trauma. its actually a very natural reaction that usually involves ruminating and it will pass. that doesnt make it less confusing or painful obviously, but i found it helpful to be patient with my emotional reactions, understand where they were coming from and why, and to expect them on some level. if it is overwhelming you or effecting your functioning (also normal for a time) you might also have a look at  TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations 

[Quintessence]

Yeah. Having no healthy relationship experience to compare my unhealthy relationship to made me an easy prey for someone with unhealthy habits. Many people tell me that there's a lesson to be learned from all that has happened. I don't deny that, but some lessons come with a high price. Too high, almost. I've learned a lot, no doubt about that, but the amount of internal devastation is just mind-boggling. ''Good news, we cured him from the sickness, but he died during recovery from complications. But we cured him from the sickness!''

Sometimes it helps me to summon the faces of all those who, like me, suffered or are suffering at the hands of people with BPD. I feel less alone that way. Whenever I fall into despair, I remind myself "X is suffering too, remember. Z also got dumped.'' It's not a full-proof method. If it were, I would not be here.

Thanks for the resources. They are a good read. The 'files' approach, when it comes to dealing with ruminations, is interesting. I haven't come across it before. Should put it to the test. There will be plenty of chance, I'm sure.