Our relationship with Conflict

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One of the things I have realised about myself in the process of healing from BPD abuse is that I may struggle more broadly with conflict in general. I do everything to avoid it and take it very personally when it happens. I never know when I'm in the right.

But all of life is conflict... .Any drama on TV, negotiating things at work, compromising, debating, managing a diary.

When major conflict arises in my personal life I go to great lengths to restore the peace. Even so far as not holding my position or defending my boundaries. I want a win: win outcome and feel very uncomfortable when that dies not happen.

So my question is this: does a BPD break up only decimate because it represents a conflict we never get to remedy? And is their rejection if us (discard) only painful because all communications channels to state our case are slammed shut and we are left stuck in conflict?

Bb12

[bb12]

One of the things I have realised about myself in the process of healing from BPD abuse is that I may struggle more broadly with conflict in general. I do everything to avoid it and take it very personally when it happens. I never know when I'm in the right.

But all of life is conflict... .Any drama on TV, negotiating things at work, compromising, debating, managing a diary.

When major conflict arises in my personal life I go to great lengths to restore the peace. Even so far as not holding my position or defending my boundaries. I want a win: win outcome and feel very uncomfortable when that dies not happen.

So my question is this: does a BPD break up only decimate because it represents a conflict we never get to remedy? And is their rejection if us (discard) only painful because all communications channels to state our case are slammed shut and we are left stuck in conflict?

Bb12

[Surnia]

  bb12

The way how we are dealing with conflicts is certainly a huge factor in all our relationships and connections. And I think its very important to have some awareness about the own patterns.

I want a win: win outcome and feel very uncomfortable when that dies not happen.

I am not sure if I understand you here correctly. Is a win for you a restored peace? Or something else?

[fromheeltoheal]

Some people are good at adversarial situations, some aren't.  I'm with you bb, I avoid conflict and don't feel comfortable with it, mostly because I take things too personally, find it hard to separate me from the issue, and it's me that's being attacked.  Funny though, I don't do that with some external thing like a work issue, especially when I'm right, partly because I know the other person is working towards a solution just like I am, and partly because it's external to me.  I think we can get better at it though, especially in personal relationships which are the hardest, by building and enforcing boundaries and maintaining a stronger sense of self.  It's a work in progress... .

A relationship with a borderline, someone with a serious mental illness, is a completely different issue though.  My borderline was never working towards a win-win situation, mostly because to her we were not two people; the two of us made a whole person, and her goal was to push all her negative opinions of herself off onto me, her good side, which is what I represented, while she was the bad side.  That's what mirroring was in the beginning; she wasn't only reflecting the good she saw in me back to me to affect an attachment, that was only part of it, the main reason is she was assimilating the good she saw in me as her own, to combat the bad, which continued as she projected that bad onto me.  There's no winning in a win-lose situation with someone who can only focus on themselves, constantly flailing against the disorder and the chaos; if she was to take responsibility for anything, she'd have to take responsibility for everything, and her world would collapse.

I did win in the end though.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and when she finally pushed it too far, I left without a trace, which is the most severe pain you can inflict on a borderline.  I did it to preserve my own sanity mind you, and I was very pissed off, but I gotta admit knowing I hurt her where it hurts most felt good.  That's the only victory and closure we're going to get, and closure to me has been to learn, heal and grow, so I'm not susceptible to someone like that in the future, and that I thank her for.

[myself]

So my question is this: does a BPD break up only decimate because it represents a conflict we never get to remedy? And is their rejection if us (discard) only painful because all communications channels to state our case are slammed shut and we are left stuck in conflict?

Yes, and there is also the denial of the struggle for control. Some will be more affected by these factors than others. The lack of closure, meaning the resolution is that there is no resolution, does keep the wound open in many ways. We can heal ourselves, but the scars we've taken on of what's unfinished may still be there, it's true.

[redkong]

This is a great question. I personally also hate conflict and avoid it as much as possible.  I actually have some residual PTSD from a car accident and it gets triggered by yelling, crashing (e.g., things being thrown and broken), etc.  My strong aversion to conflict ultimately motivated me to leave my BPDexgf much sooner than I would have otherwise.  I eventually hope to develop a more balanced set of emotional skills around conflict, but right now I feel "saved" by my own dysfunction.

[bb12]

I am not sure if I understand you here correctly. Is a win for you a restored peace? Or something else?

Hi Surnia,

I guess what I am saying by win:win is that despite a conflict occurring, any animosity about the issue is reduced before saying our goodbyes. Not that we each win our argument, but that we each feel we have been heard and that any ill will is gone.

I don't think I shy away from conflict per se, but definitely try to ensure the relationship is ok despite a disagreement. I think pwBPD can leave things open-ended and keep that ill will alive... .that they don't necessarily need to restore the peace.

bb12

[bb12]

The lack of closure, meaning the resolution is that there is no resolution, does keep the wound open in many ways. We can heal ourselves, but the scars we've taken on of what's unfinished may still be there, it's true.

Perfectly put, myself!

[Surnia]

bb12

Thank you for clarifying the "win" for me. I can personally relate with it btw.

Being heard is such a great thing, in relationships and in other situations like work.

In my past marriage like we didn't got to this point neither. So one "unheard" conflict was behind the next, it was like a huge mountain of stinky conflicts in the house... .

It may make all detachment harder. What I learned is: I cannot force someone to this kind of conflict management. And sometimes I am/was doubting my communication skills. ("For me / I felt"... .was heard like "you did it wrong".)

[Gidget]

I was great at avoiding conflict I called myself the PEACEKEEPER what I realized the conflict was never resolved. I was only that way with my daughter because I felt everything was black or white good or evil love or hate. I questioned my own sanity. I usually am the type especially with my husband I address the conflict I find solutions for the conflict or where no agreed solution can be found I try to compromise. Yet with my daughter her conflict and the silent or explosive rage I just went with what I had to do to keep the peace