How to write to DD in jail about finding somewhere else to live

[DreamGirl]

Hey qcarolr,

Been silently following your story - rooting for you and yours.  

Rachel Raskin-Shoot, PysD (author of An Umbrella for Alex) just came out with a book that might be of interest for your GD. I know that you are always looking for any resources to help you in this. It's intended for any kiddos who have experienced trauma:

In My Corner on the Moon

It's probably above her reading level (11yo), but I think it would be good for one you could read together.

 DreamGirl  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Dreamgirl - I will check out this book. Thanks.

DD called today when her commissary order came. They did not give her everything because there was not enough money. She said "you don't care, you did not put money in".  I did, last night at 9pm. She was talking to jail staff while I was on phone. Said there was only 41 cents left. I was angry too. I think she got that my intense voice was towards the jail and not her.

I took special trouble to call up booking to be sure there were no fees on her account before I put the small extra amount in to cover her order as she had asked. They said no, we only show the pay out from last week. So I called reception and asked them to check the deposits I had made (they are done at an electronic kiosk in the lobby). She showed my deposits PLUS TWO FEES TOTALLY $35. I asked when they were charged. It was at almost the exact same time I made the deposit AFTER TALKING TO BOOKING.

Well, oops. They found the fee they forgot 2 minutes before. I can see why DD gets so frustrated. She is trying really hard to ask for what she needs, says they just don't care. Hard for me to believe, but seems to be true.

The receptionist initially said 'we can't be doing this from you. your D has to deal with this via written kites inside'. I told her I had called booking, they said there were no fees, I could not just keep putting money in. Dd had gotten a bunch of food items she had not ordered last week because none of the personal items were in stock due to the flooding. Now she was not getting them because they forgot about the fees. So she actually looked up these payments and charges for me. Then she said if DD cannot get her needs met talking to the jail staff, she should go overt their heads and write to the food service (ie. the food she did not order) or write to the commander. Guess I will let DD know this next time she calls.

You know I just want to hug her to me and tell everything will be alright. And I can't do this. She is all grown up now and in charge of herself. But I still feel the pain tonight. Just want to cry.

And DD said please don't get rid of my stuff... .I have nowhere to go. It is nearly unbearable for me to imagine her being released from jail with no one to meet her and nowhere to stay. This was the picture back in Dec 2009 when I had a RO against her and dh picked her up from jail with a backpack of her clothing etc. and dropped her off at the homeless shelter. We imagined she would get connected to a program for homeless and get off the street. Get help. Get treatment. SHe became a homeless person - part of the clan. And in so many ways she still is - this is her friend group.

I was reading in  Porr's book, "Overcoming BPD" today. It so much about how the family adjusts themselves to accomodate the needs of the pwBPD. Always with the idea that treatment will become a reality. This so pushes my heart buttons, and actually increases my guilt feelings. That I have done things all wrong so DD does not choose treatment. Puts my thinking all backwards, filled with my needs, expectations and desires for DD's outcomes. Hanging on , not letting go. I am sure somehow I am misreading this. Esp. pg 259 on 'Balancing Priorities and Demands'.

Can someone help me interpret this?

I KNOW DD cannot live in our home. THis is about what gd needs. I also know that I am an emotionally driven intellectual that is very intense -- push DD's buttons as she pushes mine and this puts gd in way for fear and trauma. I do share some responsibility with this.

I fear that writing to the judge about DD need for release to a residential situation will have a negative impact, not a positive one. And there are very few residential options that are funded in our county - or very low cost. And she really needs the mental health piece of the outpatient PACE program.

Why can I not let this go? I am mired in this housing question all day. Not tied to DD's call today.

I am so tired of my own roller coaster ride. Not thinking clearly at all today.  Discovered that  had my new weekly pill box backwards this morning -- took my evening meds this morning. So maybe this is part of my mental lethargy today -- blood presure med and higher dose of lamictal in error this am. So I took the morning ones at dinner.

Just a big vent here. THanks for listening.

qcr  

[Reality]

qcaroir,

Weave your emotions into your thinking.  Weave your love into your words.  Stick very close to your own life, your reality.  Listen to your body.  Let it have its say.  Forget abstract concepts. 

Your dd is truly loveable.  When I read your posts, I can see why you love her so much. 

Your gd is developing a very wise mind.  Your dh is there for you all. 

I can also see how ridiculous the 'systems' are.  Nonetheless, that is our world.  Not too rosy, in many ways.

Your dd needs to figure out what she needs.  Ask her questions.  What do you think is best, dd?  What are your best options?  Which store would be a good place to work?  How are you going to live in a healthy way every day?  Do you really think your friends are helpful?  Why is that?  The drugs are a problem, IMHO.  Do you think so?  The drug world just doesn't fit with our values.  I mean, I love my medications, but street drugs are a bit different.  Can you see why? 

Your dd is very resourceful, loveable.  She needs a calm staying point to regulate herself.  That is her family of origin.  She also needs a daily job, good nutrition, exercise and one true good friend. 

IMHO, you need to be honest about your own role in the past, when you talk to your dd.  As in, "OMG, dd, I can't believe how ridiculous I was that time."    Then, step right into the present, vision the ideal mother for your dd, that is you.  Live the vision. 

You need to say honestly to your dd that your home is not a safe place for her.  She can't make good choices there.  Her friends do not seem like a safe choice. 

Like the author of The Buddha and The Borderline, your dd needs a few kind people in her life, who will truly care for her.  Your dd needs to figure out how to find one or two good people, who will truly help her and give her the support she needs.

Where?  A church?  Samaritan Village?  A nice fellow.  Someone who doesn't use substances and who is kind.  Where are those people? 

I am just musing and hoping that your dd will somehow meet one good person, who truly cares.  Now there's a prayer.

Reality

[Reality]

Thursday's Loretta Lynn comes to mind as a possible vision. 

Fierce love and no nonsense.

Reality

[ilusa26]

"Weave your emotions into your thinking.  Weave your love into your words.  Stick very close to your own life, your reality.  Listen to your body.  Let it have its say.  Forget abstract concepts."

I need to keep that in mind all the time 

[lbjnltx]

qcaroir,

Weave your emotions into your thinking.  Weave your love into your words.  Stick very close to your own life, your reality.  Listen to your body.  Let it have its say.  Forget abstract concepts. 

Weave your emotions into your thinking.  Skill= wisemind

Weave your love into your words.  Skill= mindfulness   

Stick very close to your own life.  Skill=value based boundaries

Listen to your body Let it have it's say.  Skill= Radical self care through mindfulness

Great advice Reality

[qcarolr]

qcaroir,

Weave your emotions into your thinking.  Weave your love into your words.  Stick very close to your own life, your reality.  Listen to your body.  Let it have its say.  Forget abstract concepts. 

Your dd is truly loveable.  When I read your posts, I can see why you love her so much. 

Your gd is developing a very wise mind.  Your dh is there for you all. 

I can also see how ridiculous the 'systems' are.  Nonetheless, that is our world.  Not too rosy, in many ways.

Your dd needs to figure out what she needs.  Ask her questions.  What do you think is best, dd?  What are your best options?  Which store would be a good place to work?  How are you going to live in a healthy way every day?  Do you really think your friends are helpful?  Why is that?  The drugs are a problem, IMHO.  Do you think so?  The drug world just doesn't fit with our values.  I mean, I love my medications, but street drugs are a bit different.  Can you see why? 

Your dd is very resourceful, loveable.  She needs a calm staying point to regulate herself.  That is her family of origin.  She also needs a daily job, good nutrition, exercise and one true good friend. 

IMHO, you need to be honest about your own role in the past, when you talk to your dd.  As in, "OMG, dd, I can't believe how ridiculous I was that time."    Then, step right into the present, vision the ideal mother for your dd, that is you.  Live the vision. 

You need to say honestly to your dd that your home is not a safe place for her.  She can't make good choices there.  Her friends do not seem like a safe choice. 

Like the author of The Buddha and The Borderline, your dd needs a few kind people in her life, who will truly care for her.  Your dd needs to figure out how to find one or two good people, who will truly help her and give her the support she needs.

Where?  A church?  Samaritan Village?  A nice fellow.  Someone who doesn't use substances and who is kind.  Where are those people? 

I am just musing and hoping that your dd will somehow meet one good person, who truly cares.  Now there's a prayer.

Reality - every point you make has great value. This helps me to get into a more compassionate place while still holding fast to building safety in all our r/s.

DD needs very structured place to live when released from jail. Needs to be exposed to others with motivation to stay clean/sober. She really needs a mentor. She knows this - we have talked often about this. And there is a wall here for her to find the place to connect. So I am praying she gets released from jail into a structured, residential program --- that she will not want to be in at first. Because the rooms are overcrowded which pumps her panic/anxiety up over the top. She has pushed away, with her actions/behaviors, those clean friends she had. Being homeless stigmatized her with them. Being released into homelessness will lead to her failure. She cannot be in our home. We will not pay for an apartment before she has built some new supportive r/s in treatment - will not support a homeless 'flop' house, which is what it would be.

Thinking more and more that I will write to the judge with my considerations on the value of a safe, structured living situation for DD. She can walk away, violate her probation again, and return to jail.

Hard to keep on my own track here. Only then can I be any kind of positive influence for DD - offering those opportunities for her to regulate and think.

qcr  

I am working on all the skills lbj lists. Reaching out for my own healthy support - T, womens group(starts today again), dh, 12-step group at church. Has taken 18 months to find connections here, and still have lots of discomfort to overcome.

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I can understand your frustration with the commissary and your dd not having the money in accounts.  I can recall my dd waiting two weeks.  I put the money in via my debit card.  Also, put in kiosk at jail, as my dd said that is the fastest way.  It didn't matter.

Also, can understand the pain in your dd not being able to reside with you.  You know that is not good for anyone in house, but that does not help the pain.  It must be so heartbreaking.  I can recall moving my dd out of her apt. in projects while she was in rehab.  I wanted her out of there, as drug activity going on.  I just complicated matters, and my dd, guess where she went all the time!  So, the next time she got an apt. in a not so good neighborhood, I said, oh well she hangs out in neighborhoods.

My dd was helped by a group funded by Catholic Charities.   They gave her a furnished apt. to live in.  She was obligated to go to life skills meetings.  And, a utility bill was paid in reward for going.  Win win.  My dd's case manager arranged for her to get into program.   That was something that really helped, as  my dd was not eligible for public housing at time due to criminal background.  After   6 months, she was eligible for housing.

Hoping that your dd can get into some housing after jail.  After being in jail, and knowing your house is not an option, perhaps her standards will change.  In my area, there is also housing for those with mental health diagnosis.

Sending you love.  Will continue to pray for you and family.  

 

peace

ps just saw your recent post.  I agree that letter to judge would not hurt.

[six]

HI QCR

I am recognizing myself in your posts in the sense of being totally caught up in my head, constantly processing what would work and what wont work, and not being able to focus on any of the good stuff going on in my life because I am obsessing about the problem. 

What you are going thru is clearly up there on the list of one of the most traumatic things a parent could experience.  So many of us here on the board are reading your posts and praying for a good outcome for you and DD. 

What has worked for me, when i find myself in the midst of BPD misery, is to step back, get out of my head, and realize that this period will pass and we will move on to something else, hopefully better and calmer.  Wishing you at least a few moments today to enjoy your blessings.

-6

[raytamtay3]

qcarolr - My heart so goes out to you. Reading your struggles makes the reality of what I'm sure to encouter in the future with DD14 all too real.   Hang in there.

[vivekananda]

I am recognizing myself in your posts in the sense of being totally caught up in my head, constantly processing what would work and what wont work,

I agree 6. I think it's our logical response to so much illogic around us.

Thinking things out in the abstract is a luxury when there are no crises to come to grips with. If it ever gets in the way of a healthy routine, that's a time to focus on mindfulness and take are of ourselves.

My first rule is to care for myself, then I can care for others.

thinking of us all,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Here is my letter to DD to be mailed today. Hope she gets it before the weekend. Only a start to repair our r/s and try to give her encourgagement. Not sure if validation in here yet. The first paragraph is right out of Porr's book - Acceptance Acknowlegment Declaration (pg331).

Dear DD,

I never knew how much pain you sere in . I never knew how much you suffered. I must have done and said so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to imporve our relationship?

I am putting another $40 in your commissary account today. Even though booking took thieir $30 fee out on Sunday - this is why you did not have enough. The jail receptoinist was kind to me when I called to explain what happened. She also said if you need help getting your needs met you can write a kite to the Commander if the jail staff are not responding.

We are commited to keeping your stuff safe. We would like to clean the carpets in the basement. I will be gentle in sorting your things into tubs. Then it will be ready for you when you need it. We are aware of some transistion optoins and hope they are offered to you for your consideration. We are committed ot helping if you need help paying for this up to $50 per week.

We love you. Keep asking for what you need from the jail and then the community when you are released. I know you have the intelligence to keep working toward your goal of independence. With all that you have within you.

Call me and I will listen.

Love, mom

I had a really good session with my T yesterday. She is helping me to focus on today, to find space and time to meditate in prayer and listen for guidance. To be able to ask for what I need too and not always what I can give. I was sharing about the parenting books I have read in the past year - there are a dozen - and how they are synthesizing in my thinking and pondering. I am very attracted to the concepts around attachment. Memories came up for me from very early, pre-verbal childhood that may contribute to my own needs not being met. I was given the best care possible in a loving family. Yet there was still a disruption before I was even a year old that still needs to heal. I have been aware of this before -- hopeful that can continue to find my path to feeling like a more whole person. I realize my needs here interfered in so many of my r/s throughout my lifetime. Most especially with looking to my DD to meet these needs instead of my being present to meet her needs. I cannot reparent her, but I can put all the skills I have gained into making my contacts with her positive. I can take care of myself, and then be available to love her with no strings attached. Boundaries in place  - listen and validate her feelings, avoid validating invalid actions and behaviors. This is hard work every day for me.

qcr  

[Rapt Reader]

I realize my needs here interfered in so many of my r/s throughout my lifetime. Most especially with looking to my DD to meet these needs instead of my being present to meet her needs. I cannot reparent her, but I can put all the skills I have gained into making my contacts with her positive. I can take care of myself, and then be available to love her with no strings attached. Boundaries in place  - listen and validate her feelings, avoid validating invalid actions and behaviors. This is hard work every day for me.

Hi, qcarolr... .I think your letter to your daughter is good; starting with that Acknowledgment is a good thing (it's worked for me in the past with my uBPD D-I-L and younger son who has "fleas"   ). It sounds like you are getting to a better, healthier place, for yourself and your family. The quote above sounds really monumental to me, like a big step in your healing and growth as a person and a parent. I've found that when I have needs that are tied into my childhood, and they can't be met by anyone else, I try to get into "wisemind" and become the loving parent/adult to my little girl self in order to self-soothe and move on to some better place in my heart and soul. It sounds like you are learning to do that, too? Obviously we can't expect our children to parent us, and with all we've been learning the best parent for our little girl selves would be us... .Lots of times when I'm feeling "off" I ask myself: How would I treat my loved one who feels this way? And, then I comfort myself that way 

[lbjnltx]

That is a very nice letter qcarolr!

I wonder about using the word "intelligence" given your daughter's self image issue regarding her learning disability... .would she be more open to the terms strength, resourcefulness, determination, drive, etc... .all those qualities that have made her a survivor... .

Just a thought.

 

[Reality]

Dear qcaroir and dear lbjnitx:

I like the word intelligent for qcaroir's dd.  It is a little grain of mustard seed of visioning for qcaroir's dd, who surely is intelligent and capable of making good choices.  Hope comes from very miniscule changes.  Over time.

Reality

[qcarolr]

I did ponder the word "intelligence". This is a statement of fact to her. She is very smart. Her LD is all about processing speed and coding ability (not really sure what that means?). So often it is others impatience and mis-perceptions that lead to her 'feeling stupid/retarded'.

Only her response to this letter will let me know if this word conveyed the message intended.

qcr  

[Thursday]

Good job on the letter. You are such an earnest person!

Only her response to this letter will let me know if this word conveyed the message intended

I think your letter conveyed the message intended and her response might not be what you expect... .which is the general problem with expectations!

I do hope that your daughter will be able to hear what you have put so well. And it sure looks like you are paving a path to a better relationship with your efforts.

thursday

[qcarolr]

DD called yesterday. Don't think she got letter yet. Had her PACE assessment (dual dx probation program). T that did eval gave her SWOE book [Stop Walking on Eggshells]. DD was saying I needed this book as it described me exactly! I told her I have this book. Maybe I can read it again. Now, do ya think this is blaming the mom. Wonder what the T really thinks. Can see DD pursuing PTSD treament. They do have access to evals. with BPD dx from 2009 - at least I hope lawyer passes these on to court. I do have hope. If this allows DD to connect to someone in her probation/treatment program this is good. It is a required 2 year program that has to be court ordered.

I called the PACE office today to verify DD comment that she was told there is absolutely no housing options, esp. since the flood. 1800 houses lost within 30 miles of DD. The only opening is at the homeless shelter 'First Step' program. There are homeless in program - this makes it so much harder to stay clean/sober. If we could find a way to help DD with housing, there are risks of her failing probation and us being stuck with lease. They do home checks on regular basis. We are not willing to take the financial or legal risks of renting for her.

An opportunity to buy an investment property plopped into my lap this week. It has a seperate 1 bedroom apartment, seperate entrance, attached to a 2100 sq ft 3 bdroom house. Could potentially get enough rent on main house to cover costs of ownership. Allowing DD to live in the apartment with agreement for rent when she has a job or disability benefit would give her the stability she needs to have an opportunity for success in probation/treatment.  This apartment is within walking distance to everything, including park n ride for public buses that go everywhere. There is grocery, fast food, etc. Very good location.

So we are going to put offer on it this weekend. It will be owner sale - the owner is my insurance agent and his realtor wife. It just went on market 4 days ago and they already had one offer they have now turned down.

I am in awe. This is answer to prayers. Now to cope with our risk aversion. Will wait until get money for closing - Dh has to get approval from family trust for this amount, and will take some time to convert to cash - to talk with DD about this option for her. So keep on praying.

Also, since we are landlord, we can allow one of the dogs to live with DD, if she cleans up after it. Put that in the lease. Odds of renting quickly are good, given the flood housing impacts. Seems the timing is right and dh has wanted an investment property for a long time.

I could ramble on. Need to keep my hopefulness in perspective. Do not have any control of outcome with DD. Peace in my home, dd safe in her own place working towards her independence goals.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Update: I am a little crazy, and very impatient. Dh gives me pause.  We talked with his sister, that is the trustee for the family trust, and this additional info. has allowed us to slow down. Buying an investment property could not happen on the timeline that would give DD a place to live. And she really needs the space to figure this out for herself.

It is, again, really my need to stop my own pain. And dh's too.

The counselor at PACE did offer that DD will have an opening for the transistion program at the shelter. It is up to her to choose this or choose homelessness. She has to choose to put her whole self into this program for it to be successful. I REALLY HAVE TO STAY OUT OF HER WAY.

So I appreciate my SIL's caution as the trustee. And this gives us all time to ponder all the options. Maybe this could work out later when DD is showing some progress - has a job to pay on the rent first.

qcr

[TopsyTurvy]

So glad you have slowed down and taken another look at this. You are an awesome mom and I know you have a strong desire to step in and rescue your daughter. Your commitment is admirable and an inspiration to me and I am sure many others on this board.

I am glad you are stepping back and giving your daughter the opportunity to make the choice! I hope she makes the right one. Either way, I think it is important for both of you that she remains in control of the outcome. Like you said "she needs the space to figure this out for herself". Wise words from a wise woman. Stay strong!

 

[vivekananda]

qcr,

I am glad your SIL gave you cause to think again. I am glad you are able to say to yourself:

I REALLY HAVE TO STAY OUT OF HER WAY.

Cheers,

Vivek  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I am starting a new thread before this one reaches 4 pages and gets locked. Difficult for me to know how to be validating when DD calls. Please visit my new thread. qcr